Mimpi Pari

The Burden of Blood

2007-10-21T00:38:00.000-07:00

He was the golden child of the family - his mother's favourite. And yet, at the end of her life, he still broke her heart with his actions.

He always liked acting like a rich fellow - but he's drowning in financial debts, yet unrepentant.

Sometimes, he would take loans under the name of others - and yet not pay the loans - and cause severe hardship to others.

He projects himself as a religious fellow, a Syariah legal expert and goes to the Holy Land for the Umrah every year and several times for the Hajj - but he has forged signatures, embezzled the property of others (including his own mother's) without remorse and regret.

He would insist that he has no money to pay his loans - and yet spend lavishly on himself and his own family - and would willingly let others suffer the consequences of his actions. And he blames everything that happens to him on circumstances - the banks, the economy, the business partners - but never himself.

I've been the victims of his actions several times - too many times. I've even forked out money to settle one of his loans under my name.

And many times, his mistakes have cost me dearly - unknowingly to many people, I've had to live a lifestyle that's significantly below my capacity, because of the burden that he has inconsiderately shouldered upon me. Even though my own financial prudence and standing, is sterling.

I've had to suffer in relative silence - sometimes, giving silly excuses to others, which just makes me look plain bad, as a man. Or perceived to be plain broke - even when I'm not.

And many times, I have found the space to still forgive him.

I keep hoping for change, I keep waiting for remorse and God forbid, an apology for all the hurt and detriment that he had caused to my life.

I keep waiting for a clue - that maybe he does give a damn about what he has done to me.

After 6 years, I think my patience has finally found its limit. And I find myself, unable to forgive any further. I feel stupid, both past and present.

I thank God that Mum is not alive to see him turn into this selfish hypocrite who does not give a damn about anyone else and simply does not take responsibility for his actions. He is for all intents and purposes - financially reckless - and seemingly unashamed of it.

As the Malay saying of that contemptuous lifestyle - "biar papa, asal bergaya" - it is the ugliest of Malay traits, other than hasad dengki.

Once again and for the final time - I shall pick up the heavy burden of settling his loan under my name, so that it will not trouble me again in the future.

Enough is enough - after this, he would have lost my respect as not only a younger brother, but also as a human being.

And I hope he obtains God's forgiveness for his utter disregard of me - because he will not have mine, until he changes for the better. And God help him, should he die the same awful person that he is right now. I will never forgive and I remember everything.

Blood is not always thicker than water. And even in families, love and respect must be continously earned - it is not due by birthright.

Today - you have lost me, Abang.

But don't worry, you will not notice - because you've never valued anything that's important, anyway - just the things that make you look distinguished and wealthy, in society's eyes.

I'm Back, Folks!

2007-10-12T09:39:00.000-07:00

Salam Aidilfitri to all! Syawal's entry marks the end of a blessed Ramadhan, which has been good and therapeutic for the soul.

After a long hiatus from blogging (which in itself, was part of a healing experience) - I'm back again - hopefully much stronger and wiser.

Many things have changed since the last time I wrote - some for the better, bringing much joy, satisfaction and success - and others not so significant in improvement but meaningful, in the degree of acceptance that I've displayed.

My sadness over the last split-up is quietly and gradually seeping away - and due to the focus on the new job, as the new top dog of the Program, as well as the exit from the old job at the NGO - I've not had the luxury of truly allowing myself to dwell on all that's happened - or to show the real impact of it, on me.

The weight of responsibility and the importance of what I'm currently doing in the larger scheme of things - and the fact that I love this new job and the role that I'm playing in it - all these have acted like an emotional shield and therapy, from me taking the time to fully taste the grief of loss and overcome it.

Right now, there's so much that I'm truly blessed with and the possibilities of change in my life and the impact on others are virtually endless - that even if I'm still alone - I don't feel that I have a right to be sad. Truth of the matter is - that aside from the fact that I'm alone - life is really quite good.

I wish that I had someone to share it with - but like all other things that have come with patience, perseverance and persistence in one's belief - I truly believe, deep inside, that all other things will come - when I'm best ready and most deserving of it.

Despite all that's happened - I'm at the stage of my life where I believe that good things can happen - if you truly believe, if you fight off the temptation to be cynical and shake off the fear of repeated disappointments and get on that saddle again, if you accept that somewhere in the larger and grander scheme of things - things are unfolding exactly, in the way that they they should.

And that things can happen, if you make it happen and God has decided that it's your role to make it happen - it's just that you don't know it yet.

It's hard to explain this source of conviction to many around me - it's almost surreal - but I figured that maybe it's much easier to lead and to show the way, rather than to plead for faith in many - sometimes in places where hope seems to be a dirty word, nowadays.

People prefer the comfort of cynicism to the risk of hope and disappointment, I guess. You can't fall, when you don't even attempt to stand or walk anymore and where the fear of standing up, is placed on the shoulders of the big bad world, out there that has traumatized and victimized you.

And beware of despair - it is the most contagious of mental conditions.

I can understand that - it's the fear of being taken for the fool all over again - but it's hard to explain that the ultimate act of foolishness, is to stop believing in the possibility of change for the better - that circumstances can change, that people can change and that mountains do move, if we persevere and wait for the right moment to move it.

That different ways of doing things, bring about change. That different people doing things, bring about change. That not everyone is created equal - with the same sort of drive and passion to change things.

If you can't (or don't dare to) believe big - then believe small. But leave that space for hope.

It will be the single most important act that you can do - for yourself and for others.

Once again, Salam Aidilfitri to all of you - and do enjoy the blessing of forgiveness, family and friends, as the light of Syawal beckons. :)

p.s. I'm getting myself a Volvo S40 for a birthday present, soon. Time to give myself a treat.

Menambat Rakit

2007-08-26T05:38:00.000-07:00

This is one of my favourites from A. Samad Said - it usually consoles me when I'm feling sad or aggrieved - or simply trying to find and chart my way forward.

Play it again, Pak Samad. We never stop learning from you.

**************************

Menambat Rakit

Sesudah demikian lama dicintai,
sukarlah dilupakan,
Inti pengalaman, kepedihan;
akar kerinduan, keresahan

Memang begitu banyak
diperlukan kekuatan. Ke pengkalan
batin rakit ditambatkan,
bara kenangan dikuakkan.

Akhirnya, tak terduga, kekuatan
membuak sendiri. Dan disedari
semua takkan sampai ke dasar inti.

Tiada lagilah bezanya
sama ada hilangnya kemudian
atau tenggelamnya sekarang.

Tiada juga bezanya jika
langsung ia tak datang
atau tiba-tiba terkorban.

Kepiluan yang berlanjut
akhirnya ditenterami
keyakinan betapa dielak pun
takdir,
tetap terbuka pintunya,
bertanya:
Manusia, engkau ini sebenarnya
siapa?

Nukilan:
A. Samad Said
Mac 1985

Of Judging Books and Covers

2007-08-24T04:49:00.000-07:00

Be it good or bad - I've hardly ever cared about how I appear to people.

Don't get me wrong - I'll be the first person to ask whether I've offended anyone and I willingly apologize when I think I'm wrong (and a great many times, even when I don't think I'm wrong - when it comes to the people I love) but I've never cared about how I physically appear to people.

And that's pretty strange considering I'm Kelantanese and it's in-built in Kelantanese men to be as shallow as the next man, if not more. Regardless of how much I try to convince other people and myself that I'm not that shallow - but the evidence would work against me, I think. People would think that I expect my partner to be attractive - and maybe they're right.

But the expectation does not extend to myself, somehow. I've never really bothered about keeping up appearances - of attractiveness, of wealth, or to evidence some form of stature, class or breeding.

Yes, I think that manners and humility are pre-requisites to show good breeding but everything else is a bogus indicator - money, big cars, qualifications, fashion, glamour, lineage, cultural snobbery, jingoistic behaviour, displays of overt religiosity or on the flipside, crass and hedonistic libertarianism, ala Western style.

I've always believed in keeping it real. I grew up rejecting Mum's materialistic fervour - we were not from a rich family, but we were far from poor - because I always felt that there was something unreal about the rich families that we hung around with (some of which were my aunties, uncles and cousins) - something pretentious and insecure and constantly asking for "more", in a material sense.

The extravagance seemed fake to me - I was surrounded by people who measured other people by how much money they had. I was repulsed by it - by how status was defined by what you have, instead of who you are.

People seemed to prefer the illusion of stature than the substance of class. People who seemed clever by their collection of academic and professional scrolls, but are short-sighted and almost always, emotionally or socially retarded. Or sometimes, just plain bad.

********************************

I grew up rejecting crass materialism and blind class-consciousness - because I thought it was fake. They didn't seem to have an identity - they were defined by anything and everything that money could buy.

Why should someone respect you just because you have more money? A bigger house? More posh cars than drivers, in the family? Isn't the real measure of wealth more of how a person utilizes that money to contribute and give to others? Isn't the measure of class, how you treat other people - how polite you are? How humble you are? How intelligent or wise you are?

There are loads of people out there living beyond their means on a credit binge - they've got more clothes and cars, than money and they're crippled by debt overhangs. But many people would see the manifestation of wealth - and think they're rich.

(I should know - my brother's exactly like that. Lebih baju dari badan - and most of the time, the extra cloth will come at someone else's expense)

It never made any sense to me - although I see droves of people who live their lives by ostentation and a material yardstick. So, I rejected it.

Of course, one has to be true to oneself. That's the easy part. The hard part about being true to oneself is when the principles you live by, are not understood by others. And it affects how they treat and perceive you.

I used to think that it didn't matter. If people judge a book purely by its cover - then they're not very intelligent people and there's nothing to lose by not keeping their company.

**********************

But maybe it does matter.

Maybe you can't entirely reject the values revered by your society - simply because they have no other lenses, to look at it from. Just because I decided to be different - doesn't mean that they will understand - or accept it.

No man is an island. All our actions and consequences are inter-related.

I've always been an avid observer and thinker of cause and consequence - constantly trying to understand why people (or society for that matter) are, the way they are.

Everyone is a product of inter-relationships - with family and loved ones, with friends, colleagues, etc - and the experiences that have arisen from them. The only thing that differentiates us, is how we let events (or the people) that happen to us, shape our lives, perceptions and outlook.

And recently, I found out that sometimes, things that we don't care about - may actually come back and haunt us.

For one, I've never cared whether I appeared to have money, to other people. It's a personal matter and none of their business.

Even if I out-earned them, or if I had more savings and investments than them, I had more assets and less debts than they do and even times of big fat salaries or bonuses - I have never let it shape, how I appear to other people.

And where I can financially help, I have helped - to both the deserving, the undeserving and the ingrates.

But I want people to like me for what's inside - for the person that I am, for my interests and passions, for my humour and laughter, for how I treat other people, for the advice and counsel I give them, for the non-judgemental listener when they're in a bad spot and for the times that I've been there, when it counts.

These are the things that matter to me. Not for what I wear, what car I drive, how big my house is, how big a corporate my employers are or how many overseas holidays I take a year. What's that got to do with anything?

But I forgot one thing - you don't change the yardstick of the world, just by rejecting it.

Regardless of how you feel about it - people will still judge you by the yardstick which they've always measured everything.

And your rejection of those values - the only perception that it serves to create, is the wrong one. By totally rejecting those values - you put yourself at a handicap, in the eyes of the world. Sometimes, it's more rational to the world to be financially irrational or to just stick to society's norms. Risk being the exception - and in their eyes, you're either a fool or a charlatan.

If you're financially prudent and you time your major purchases to get the best value possible - they think you're poor.

If you give up a high paying job on principles - you can only be stupid, because the alternative is unthinkable to them.

If you're not showy and you don't stay in a posh office because you believe that it's best to be prudent with your organization's monies - they think you're poor. Or worse, a con man, perhaps hiding in some shady corner of officedom.

If you work from a home office, they think you're a bum - despite the fact that work deadlines are being met, projects are running, tangible results are produced and money's being made for the organization.

If you prefer to work for an NGO and have rejected a five-figure salary job 3 times, because you value being effective and not just being a cog in the wheel - you're either a liar or stupid, or both.

If you don't drive and you take public transport - they think you're poor.

If you have 2 condos and don't drive - they think you're either poor, a liar or must be leeching off a rich family or someone else. Forget economic cycles, easy loans and financial management - it's easier to believe the worst, of someone - rather than find a rational explanation.

If you don't dress well, you don't eat at posh places to be seen, you like your T-shirts and slippers and your home doesn't look like an interior designer has been in it - you must be poor.

These are facts, folks - the cover is a very important of the book.

It's the first thing that catches their eye - and without further perusal - it is the only thing that plays on the emotions, persuading purchase.

And if you choose to have a cover that's not mainstream and is rarely understood or accepted - you will pay the price, ultimately.

Most people will never look beyond the cover of the book, to see what's inside. They've judged you from your appearance and that's all they need to know. They've made up their minds about you.

If you choose to be different - prepare to be left a lonely dusty book on the bookshelf of life. And you have no one else to blame, but yourself - because no matter how you explain it, the world will never see it from your perspective.

They don't know how to.

So, stop arguing with the world and sell out on your freaky individualistic tendencies.

If it takes a BMW to get some decent respect out here, then please go get one - even if you can't really afford one (hell, some of my friends do it!).

And never let an idealistic fool like me, convince you otherwise. Forget the book - the people of today buy covers. You're better off just being a glossy magazine.

Author! Author! (At least for a few pages!)

2007-08-21T00:31:00.000-07:00

I'm tingling with excitement!

This must be how an author feels to see his words in print, immortalized in a book. It's surreal and larger than life.

I was at the grand book launch of Datuk Liberal today. I'm one of his ghost writers for one of the chapters which is combined and co-written with another lady friend, Lady Primera (not her real name).

At least an entire section (and one-third of the chapter, of at least 6-8 pages) was written by me - my words, my points, my arguments. It's great to see my work in print, in a proper book. :) It beats cyberspace, hands down!

Of course, what disappointed me was that Lady Primera and I were the only ghost writers that were not indirectly acknowledged in a footnote somewhere, by Datuk Liberal.

But whatever disappointment I felt on that point was offset by the book foreword written by Tun Never Primus (not his real name), one of my favourite Malaysian statesman other than Tun Mahathir - which complimented and highlighted our particular chapter - and in particular, the section which I wrote.

That was probably the biggest compliment that I (or we) could ever receive. Our thoughts acknowledged by Tun Never Primus - immortalized in the foreword of the book! :) I was overjoyed!

It doesn't matter if no one else knows. I know, Lady Primera knows, our fellow ghost writers know and so do some close friends. No one can take that away from me. :)

Just when I thought that life has ceased to be novel and interesting - something comes along and surprises me and gives me a whole new kick!

And of course, I contemplate the idea - what about writing a book of my own, one day?

The itch is there and the voice echoes in my head - author! author!

Why not? :)

Sunsets of August

2007-08-14T21:36:00.000-07:00

I am by no means, superstitious - but August is usually a month of emotional misfortune for me.

So much so, that I begin to expect something to happen, each time August is here - it's like an August emotional "sunset".

I lost both my parents in the month of August, though 19 years apart - but the date of their funerals are only 3 days apart - one on the 21st and the other on the 24th.

I separated from my ex-wife in August, of a few years ago. I lost my first-ever serious relationship of 7 years, in August too, many, many years ago.

The Program was informally taken over by The Company in August of a few years ago, too.

And by the way things look right now - the August emotional "sunset" is about to repeat itself again.

If I wasn't so used to it by now, the regularity would be disturbing.

But this time, it came with a few more signs - it was foreseeable that things could end with a heartbreak - maybe on both sides.

I even had a dream about it - that I lost both my front teeth (which is usually a dream, warning me about impending death of a close one - an ability I've had since I was a young child, before my father passed away) and when I turned the tooth over to the other side - there was a heart beating there.

I took it as a premonition of the death of a relationship. Maybe it's not fated yet, I told myself - sometimes, men are given premonitions in order to change the outcome of what could come.

But by now, I should know better. The dreams are never wrong.

***********************************

At my age (and with the wealth of experience, I've had in relationships) - post-mortems are a little passe.

It's like revisiting an old playground, trying to find something new, each time - sooner or later, you find that there's nothing new to discover anymore. All playgrounds are somewhat similar in layout and playground toys.

After a while, it becomes all too familiar - you spot a pattern from a far away - sometimes, you don't even have to be looking in the playground anymore, to understand what has happened.

When a kid injures himself in a playground, it's always for the same reasons - they only hurt themselves when they choose to ignore age-old advice on being careful and learning the proper way to climb onto a see-saw or a swing or a slide. There's a natural order that must flow and be understood so that kids don't injure themselves, or other kids, for that matter.

It's when kids ignore these rules - and think themselves superhuman beyond the reach of playground rules and being hurt - that a fall usually happens. And a great big mighty injury, too. A deep wound or gash - perhaps, even resulting in a lasting scar.

And if one day, the kid learns the correct way to be in a playground - he may actually have fun without hurting himself. He must accept that he is not superhuman - his reach is finite, his enthusiasm blinding, his patience, not as unlimited as he thinks.

Otherwise, he will hurt himself. Again and again and again.

***************************

The thing about making (many) mistakes in one's life on a regular basis and learning from them - is that it teaches you to recognize what mistakes look and feel like.

As the mind tries to isolate each new situation to be fair to new people and situations, the heart and the hurt it feels, never lies and never forgets. You never forget how people made you feel. And from it, you learn to recognize general patterns of human behaviour and reactions - by trial and error.

It's important that we learn from past mistakes - to avoid future ones. Yes, our fate is partly in our hands, due to the persuasion of effort - but do recognize what it takes for something to work and whether the correct pre-conditions are there.

Some things fit. Some things don't - and some things will always refuse to fit and remain rigid and non-adaptive, stuck in a worldview that only invites conceit, selfishness and misery.

And over time, due to self-knowledge and awareness - and the understanding and empathy of many other types of human behaviours - you will instinctively know what works, what doesn't and what it takes to make something difficult work.

You understand more and you blame (yourself and others) less - it's not about finger-pointing and winning arguments - it's about thinking as "we" instead of just "me".

Call it survival instincts - you may, in spirit, be willing to traverse through all these mighty challenges and obstacles in your way- but your heart and mind, has conspiratorially decided that it's not willing to take the battle scars, anymore.

And there comes a certain point - when you have to let go - because the situation warrants it and it is beyond your reach.

As you get older and as your lifespan gets shorter - the ability to give up on the wrong path, is just as important, as the ability to persevere on the right one.

Learn it well - for it may save you much grief, in what remains of your life.

********************

August - your sunset is upon me now, again. I am learning your bitter lesson and I shall survive this severely traumatic episode - tired, but hopefully, not broken.

And God - it is Your infinite wisdom that I always look to, for the greater purpose and understanding, of all the sunsets that happen. I don't yet know why - but I have faith, that You know what's best for me.

Meanwhile, God - give me strength and patience for all the uncertain days ahead. And I plead to You for pockets of blessings and happiness, in the journey ahead - until I'm at the place where I'm meant to be.

InsyaAllah.

Of Ambition and Family Work/Life Balance

2007-07-21T01:34:00.001-07:00

What exactly does work/life balance mean to you?

Ask this question of a number of family men (or women) and it is likely that the variety of answers that you get will be in the tens to twenties. Don't ask them a vague question - ask them to break it down into hours of a day and ask them to illustrate where they think the balance lies.

It's simple to see why. It could be the type of job or occupation you're in.

A merchant banker does not have the same hours as a civil servant. An advertising executive has different time and deadline pressure points than a civil engineer. A business owner could end up being more of a time slave to his business than an employee to his employer. Those selling consumer products would have a different business schedule than someone chasing up or lobbying a Government tender.

It could be because you've got different ambitions, priorities and goals in life, within different time ranges.

Some young ones want to make millionaire or retire at 40, some are climbing the corporate ladder, some want to grow a multi-million dollar business, some just want to make a comfortable upper middle-class life though not necessarily wealthy, some just want a simple 9-5 job which allows them plenty of time with the family.

Some want good health and little stress, most want the best quality education obtainable for their children and many want to keep up the status game, despite living a life of negative credit and in a constant cashflow crunch.

The definition of work/life balance differs from person to person.

It's related to what's important to you. It's tied to what you like doing and what you're good at. It's tied to the circumstances or environment of your chosen profession, which perhaps, you have no control over. It's tied to the level of income, wealth and affluence that you see yourself enjoying.

It's tied to what you're willing or unwilling to compromise with regards to yourself, your children, your spouse or maybe even your parents. And sometimes, to lead a more balanced and God-conscious life.

Human wants and needs are unlimited and are never identical.

At most, it is aligned in definition - but the details have to be worked out, especially within the members of the same family.

And most of the time - despite all good intentions, the ideal scenario is never achieved - there will be some point in time (especially with high-achievers and ambitious types) where a compromise has to be made - where the best case scenario is probably what is achievable and not what is possible.

The secret to a happy family work/life balance is to do your best to achieve a common aligned target, but to allow some latitude when you're slightly off-target, due to circumstances beyond your control.

Life is not mathematics - it's not an exact science. Family relationships are almost always a give and take between what is attempted, achieved, missed and compensated for.

At the end of the day, you measure the bigger picture, as opposed to the minute details of what hit and what missed. The question that should be asked is: in the bigger picture of trying our best to be fair to all family members, has the substance (as opposed to form) of balance been achieved?

Sincerity does not lie. Generosity of love and affection shines through even the busiest of people, if they're committed to a family or love relationship.

Appreciation of the effort of others is the greatest key in optimizing the strength of love, family relationships and effort. Empathy makes it a perfect package - when you can put yourself in the other's shoes - and try to relate to a situation that you cannot possibly understand, but may be able to accept.

************************************

While I was in the car with Ervan today, I asked him to give me a time breakdown of what he thought was an ideal work/life balance of of a busy professional family man/woman in KL.

He paused for a while - and came up with this: "Pure focused productive work between 9-5 p.m. Family time with kids between 6-9 p.m., which are important. If the situation really warrants it, work from home between 9-12 p.m. (where you're not made to go back to the office) and make sure you shut down from working, at midnight".

I thought he defined his ideal rather well - he recognized the need for a KL professional to work beyond the confines of the 8-hour day. He allocated the daily quality time for family and if work needed to be done, it should be done from the confines of home.

And this no working beyond midnight rule - it's definitely good for husband/wife relationships - if they were regular hours sort of people, at least, they'd be going to bed (or be in bed) at the same time. Couples need time to relate to one another - even if it be in their sleeping time.

*********************************

But ideal scenarios aside, achieving the family work/life balance always requires a continuing compromise - because almost always, working situations are never ideal.

You are almost always, (even if not subject to your own internal self-esteem needs/ambition/targets) subject to the dictates of your environment - your clients, your business partners, the need to network for business at evening functions, the deadlines set by others, the delays and crisis caused by others (which you have to compensate for or fix), the last minute orders from your superiors, the exams you have to study for and pass, the promotion that you're vying for, etc. All these requires managing, on a best efforts basis.

And it is within this dynamic and constantly shifting context - that family work/life balance tries to realize itself, built on a foundation of love and often, the most noble and unselfish of intentions, for other than oneself.

There will be times when you will feel overwhelmed - and you will feel that everything is working against you - in trying to be the best person/husband/wife/father/mother/provider you can be.

I remember what it was like in my days in the merchant bank - 14-20 hour days, slogging over financial and regulatory paperwork, which never seems to end. Endless days of never seeing the sunset. Coming out of the office mostly close to or way after midnight - often exhausted, and undirectedly angry or upset, at your lot in life.

I remember getting upset a lot (and perhaps, looking down) at other Joe Families who had regular 9-5 jobs. I felt indignant that they were so "lazy". I felt that they were not tough enough, to go what I went through.

And I was constantly upset at people who did not understand my situation and exhaustion - I found them petty and I swear that within a distant corner of my mind - I felt that their work was not as important as mine, in the larger scheme of things. I did not understand why they did not cater to my needs - the needs of someone who obviously works harder than all of them. I felt tougher than them - and at the very least, superior in work rate and effort.

I was being a prat. Make that I was being an ABSOLUTE prat. I was so full of myself - and I took the care and love of others around me, for granted - even the Mum I hardly saw. I was stuck in a job I hated, driven purely by the glamour and the money.

I was unhappy with the circumstances of my life - yet I felt that life (and loved ones) owed me a living, because I was working so damn hard - they probably can't even imagine the exhaustion of the daily grind.

But I missed out on one major point - I CHOSE to be there - no one forced me to. If anything, loved ones and others had to adapt to my choice and they did so, without complaint and extending the lengthiest of efforts to put up with my exhaustion tantrums.

And the truth of it is this - I can now empathize with those who are doing long hours, by choice - I have been there and done that.

Whether it is worth it - is a question that can only be personally answered by each different individual going through such things - we are all different.

But what is apparent is this - family and loved ones puts up with the choices that we make (despite them, not understanding it) and tries their best to be understanding of the situation.

Appreciate them - because they're trying their best.

Appreciate them - because they're not there by their choice, but yours.

Appreciate them - because it is their love for you that makes them endure all of it, for your happiness.

Behind every successful man/woman - there is a family of unsung heroes that has sacrificed parts of what makes an ideal life to them. Recognize them - for no ambitious family man/woman, is succesful on his own, without the collective sacrifice of others in the family.

And THAT is Love. Pure, simple and unquestioningly blind.

Here Comes The Bride!

2007-07-18T21:22:00.000-07:00

Hello folks! Am back from Shanghai - well, actually, I got back close to 5 days ago.

First, the good news, as an outcome from the Shanghai outing - I'm getting engaged in a few months and I'm getting married in the first half of next year! :)

I'm very excited and so is the future Mrs. Stingray. She's lovely - in all senses of the word.

The best things in life are pleasant surprises - when happiness walks in unexpectedly, when you're not really looking. I guess there is no grander plan in our lives other than God's plan, for us. I continue to be humbled by His continuous blessings and grateful for it all.

Yes, married life will bring with it some changes and I guess I'm more prepared now for those changes to happen.

As a wise elderly lady in Shanghai said to me: "As we age, we must move towards goodness and all things which improve us, as a person. We must not let our ego stand in the way".

How true. Although I'm probably one of the most self-reflective people I know, but there have been certain things that I've held on to all these years, which I've been reluctant to let go of. Maybe it's the refusal to age gracefully, maybe it's the desire to hang on to the remnants of a misspent youth.

But many of these things that I've hung on to, in these last few years - have ceased to be meaningful to me. It's like I do it because the repetition makes me feel secure that life will remain the same and nothing upsetting will happen to make it worse.

And I'm ready to give all of those things up for a greater joy, a greater meaning in a greater lifetime sharing that looks very, very promising.

Thank you, Mrs Stingray - for your willingness to share your life with me.

Thank you to your parents and siblings, for their warm and welcoming acceptance, of me - and my future role as your husband.

Thank you, God - for happiness that I've waited for, for a very long time. And for providing a deeper meaning to this existence. Your bounty knows no limits.

And Mum - your last amanat before your passing on, will finally be fulfilled.

Please have no fear anymore for me spending the rest of my life, alone. She's lovely, committed, hardworking and a wonderful companion - you would have been proud of my choice, Mum.
I know it.

So, InsyaAllah - here comes the bride!

Leaving for Shanghai

2007-07-06T02:05:00.000-07:00

Tonight, I leave for Shanghai, with much anticipation and excitement. :)

Love awaits me. :) And perhaps, the future too.

Will be out of touch for a while, folks. Take care and I'll talk to you soon, when I'm back.

Love and Shanghai Awaiting

2007-06-29T21:25:00.000-07:00

Just one more week from now, I will be in Shanghai with (God willing) the future Mrs Stingray and her family. :)

(Before anyone wonders - yes, she is Malaysian - it's a long story)

I won't lie about it - I'm excited as hell! :) Giddy, in fact - am counting the hours! :D

This trip to Shanghai will be meaningful, in more ways than one.

It's a time for us to be together and to plan in detail, for her return to Malaysia soon. And for our future plans, together.

It's a time for me to get to know people, who may become my family members soon.

And as a bonus - it's my first trip to China and I've always been fascinated by the city that has been claimed to be the "New York of The East".

There's much to celebrate and to be thankful for.

Thank you, God.

Despite all the challenges that you've thrown me, in the last few months (and years) - the blessings of love now bestowed upon me, is more than what I could ever expect. She is totally committed and unrelenting in her love - and I'm lucky that she chose me.

See you soon, Mrs Stingray! :) I love you with all my heart.

Why People Hate You

2007-06-29T04:26:00.000-07:00

Most of the time, I know why the people who hate me, hate me.

And that's good enough for me.

Not all human beings are meant to get along, not everyone is aligned in values and outlook in life, not everyone's demeanour is well-matched to make them friends - sometimes, they just simply rub other people the wrong way. Or they're just opposed to each other in all the core stuff that matters.

And that's okay too. I tend to stay away from the people I hate - or those who hate me. It's simple.

Although very, very occasionally - I find someone who pretends to like me, but actually hates me.

Who says nice things to my face and puts me down (in major and minor matters) in front of others. A person who calls me "brother" - but treats me like a villain, in secret.

It's even more puzzling to me, when I've thrown some major growth opportunities his way - and have paved the path for him, should he want to grow as a leader of others.

Maybe even throw him a financial lifeline, when he needed one, because I saw his potential - when others did not (and they constantly question me "why did you pick him?" - and I reply "because he has potential that he doesn't yet know about"). But the truth is - potential is just an imagined thing, unless and until it's actually realized.

Someone whom I've been there to witness some of the major moments in life. Someone whom whenever he organized a function, I would make it a point to turn up, to support it.

Why would someone I have treated that well, like that spit in my face (or worse, to my back?) I'm not expecting truckloads of gratitude, but some decency and due respect, would be nice.

Maybe it was something I did - though I wish he would tell me - although I don't remember a single moment, when I've ever wanted to hurt him.

Maybe it's my nature that he hates - but he could at least, tell it to my face, before he tells the rest of the world.

Maybe I should stop giving the benefit of the doubt, to people who tear me to shreds and who attempt to pour sand into my rice bowl.

Because that's not what friendship is - and it's even further from brotherhood.

As a close colleague once remarked "brotherhood is when we build upon each other" - it obviously is a 2-way street - it must be reciprocal.

You can't be friends - with someone who in essence, by the way he treats you - despises you. No matter what your good intentions are.

You know what the sad part is? - even after I clearly know what he's up to, to damage me - I still don't have the heart to retaliate or to sever ties. :(

And that, objectively speaking - makes me a very big fool. An absolute idiot.

I will not deal with you for your actions, brother - but God will.

When Good Sense Prevails

2007-06-27T18:49:00.000-07:00

Mr Default has been put in his place by the Council members and perhaps, his egotistical power-crazy ways have been curbed.

I must say that I was quite surprised by Council's decision - I had given up all hope and had almost prepared my resignation letter.

But thank God for The NGO, good sense prevailed - and my faith in the collective wisdom of the Council, is somewhat restored.

I was afraid that the courage to stand up and be fair and just, was lacking, by the majority - after all the seat of the presidency is a powerful seat and to gamble against it, would make someone either brave or foolish.

I was wrong - and I've never been SO glad to be proven wrong, before.

There are moments in life, when you remember why you started on this journey and why you continue fighting the good fight, in the stubborn and obstinant way that you do.

For me, this is certainly one of them. It gives me strength to keep on fighting and to do the right thing.

Might isn't always right. Occasionally, right proves to be far mightier than might.

Staking Everything, Again

2007-06-26T08:40:00.000-07:00

Every few corners or so, life throws me a horrid turbulence that challenges me to stake everything I have, on a single belief of doing the right thing.

The first time round, with The Program, I lost everything I had created. I lost my job and a comfortable five-figure salary. I stood on a principle and did not bow, to intimidation or succumb to temptations of promotions offered, in order for me to "sell-out".

It was important not to "sell-out" - at the paramount of my considerations, were the people in the industry we represented - it was an important fight, that must be fought.

I fought the people who had taken away The Program from me, tooth and nail, claws and fangs. Some have paid dearly with the jobs and some, with their reputation.

2+ years later, everything I predicted came true - that The Company would eventually fail, in administering The Program.

The Company had let go of The Program, finally waving the white flag and admitting defeat - deep inside, they knew they had no business taking over The Program - and in fact, under their charge, had brought The Program to its knees. Never ask vultures to take care of a hatchery.

The Program is a mere shadow of what it used to be - as the Malay saying goes "hidup segan, mati tak mahu" and it now lives under the threat of being made irrelevant by a more quantum-driven, market-savvy, albeit inferior, Copycat Program.

Today, The Program has become independent - in all senses of the word. And they are now searching for a new leader. I hope that they will find someone that will drive The Program, to be what it should be.

Maybe then, it would be worth the price of my sacrifice.

****************

Today, I find myself at the same corner - this time with The NGO.

I can see the disaster coming a mile away, under Mr Default.

And in a way, it was my biggest mistake - because I helped put him there. I have found that when it comes to picking leaders (or sometimes, even grooming leaders) more often than not, my choices are wrong. Dead wrong.

Today, Mr Default has not only brought in all the undemocratic values of shutting people out who disagree with him, but he has created an ungentlemanly absolute control environment which attempts to emasculate The Council and The Secretariat. He does it in a cloak of silence, every step of the way.

And for the 2nd time, I find myself risking everything again on point of principle - my job, my salary, my reputation - to fight against the tyranny of one, possibly unwittingly endorsed by the fear of many.

I may lose again - but just like the first time, I know that I'm not wrong in reading the situation. It's just a matter of time, before the collapse sets in.

But I guess the difference is this: the first time round, I (and The Program) was victimized by people whom were not on the same side, as I.

But the second time round, I am victimized by people on the same side of the fence. People who should know better and have a higher sense of responsibility and integrity. People who, like I, represent others - but perhaps, some of them have forgotten.

And this second blow, hurts me greatly. The hurt is perhaps, greater than the first time round.

******************

There is always a price, to believing in something - and more so, when you strictly choose to stand by those beliefs.

And if you choose to stand for something, you must always be prepared to pay the price for it.

The rewards are hardly attractive - a clear conscience, good sleep and the knowledge that you had done your best, to do what's right. No regrets.

And don't forget - the opportunity to lose everything.

It's not everyone's cup of tea, believe me.

If one must climb, it is better to climb a ladder that is leaning against the right wall.

It's not just about climbing - it's also about knowing where the wall and ladder leads, so that you may know where it's going - before you lead others there.

I'm not afraid to put everything on the line again - but some things are worth fighting for, because they bring great benefit to many.

Remember who you are, remember who you represent and remember your responsibilities.

And never break the amanah of the collective, because we're afraid to be impolite to a wayward individual leader.

Leaders: Looking on The Pride Side

2007-06-22T09:57:00.000-07:00

The events of the last few days, within The NGO, have been sobering.

It was foreseeable that it would escalate up to this point, but the twist and turn of events, have been nothing short of shocking.

Since my student leader days till today - I've seen many sort of leaders come and go. But the most regular cause of downfall for a leader, is still pride.

Pride which causes them to "smoke their own dope" or believe in their own hype and illusions. And worse, their own truth and facts - and they refuse to listen to (or even consider) another perspective or point of view.

It's true what Saidina Ali once said: "The loneliest of solitude is conceit".

If you'd like to know how fast a leader will fall, measure his ego and compare it to the level of his humility. That should give you an indication - if the former is much higher than the latter - he's on his way down.

Talent and ability alone is never enough. You need also moral and intellectual integrity, humility, hard work, good instincts and a strong sense of responsibility.

You must be confident enough of your own abilities, but always consider the opinion of others and never forget to question or review your own assumptions - at the very least, occasionally, you must entertain the thought that you could be wrong.

If instead, you let pride be your guide - you will find yourself lost, on the wrong side.

The Joy of Good Things

2007-06-11T13:58:00.000-07:00

She passed her exams today and she's now a full-fledged surgeon. :)

It's all the more special, because it's been a nerve-wracking day for her and she had a feeling that she was going to fail. There's no sweeter triumph than to be wrong, on that count.

I'm so happy for her and so proud of her - no words come close to describing it. I hear the sheer joy in her voice and I want more of good things for her - because she truly deserves it. Sometimes, good girls do win and can have it all.

And I remember saying a silent prayer - that I hope I deserve her. And if I'm not there yet, may God help me, along every step of the way.

I have no idea why her heart is with me - but I'm counting my blessings, that it is. Neither of us know, how we got here - but we're happy. There's a part of me that's afraid to hope - but certainly not afraid to live through this with her.

These are the moments that one should live for - simple, sincere, reciprocal, giving, uncomplicated and almost to a great extent, unconditional.

It's like we're passengers, in a car with Fate in the driving seat - and enjoying every moment, every shred of joy, of that drive. It's probably better than anything we could have possibly planned, on our own.

InsyaAllah - all will be well.

Emotional Fasting - Ended

2007-06-10T02:51:00.000-07:00

The target was for the emotional fasting to last, till after Raya. The bad news is that it won't last that long.

The good news is that I'm in a happy place for now, emotionally and I'm giving up the fast for something that's very promising and holds a lot of potential, for the future.

It's too hard to explain to people - so I shall not. I'll tell everyone after it all sounds a bit more normal.

All you need to know is that I'm happy. Very. :)

It's true what they say - when you least expect it, it creeps up on you.

Patah Yang Tersembunyi

2007-05-31T14:37:00.000-07:00

Tiap langkah ke depan
ku rasa makin sesat
Semakin tua, semakin matang
tapi bagai menggapai bahagia
yang tidak
mungkin

Tiap hari berlalu
aku merayu menahan masa
untuk tunggu,
jangan persiakan mudaku
dalam hanyut hidup
sebatang kara

Tiap minggu berlalu
Dalam tiap kejayaan bermakna
yang terasa kosong,
kerna tiada cinta 'tuk merai
bersama,
Aku patah di dalam

Tiap bulan berlalu
Dimamah usia
dengan hidup lakonan berulang
tanpa arah,
Berlari dari realiti
kehidupan pincang

Tiap tahun berlalu
Aku persoalkan, ya Tuhan
arti ujian dan
takdirMu bagiku,
Aku bagai retak dalam sempurna,
patah yang tersembunyi

Separuh hayat telah ku sampai,
Masih mencari akhir garisan
dugaan Mu,
Dalam sabar terhakis haus,
dipangku bara harapan
yang makin malap

Mungkinkah aku
diantara insan
yang akan ajal semangatnya
sebelum hayatku?
Ya Tuhan,
Aku masih menunggu jawapan.

Nukilan:
Stingrayz
1 Jun 2007

Just Love The Child

2007-05-29T09:41:00.000-07:00

It was a pretty heavy conversation to have after watching Shrek 3 - but I guess both of us were feeling in that mood.

Zelda (not her real name) was pouring out her concerns and worries to me - about being a divorcee with a child - and how she regrets the circumstances that she feels that she's put the child through - not having a father or a constant father figure in his life.

From the way she related the story, it sounded like she blamed herself - even if the divorce was not her fault.

And she felt it a double whammy - being a product of a divorced family herself - and remembering how tough and awkward surviving public perception can be - and the "menumpang kasih" bit, with other people's families - wanting to belong, but knowing that you're not quite "in" the family.

But we did acknowledge that times have changed - and that children are less awkward nowadays (and sometimes, rather cheerful), about telling others about the state of their broken family - perhaps, a sign of the growing acceptance of divorces, within society - especially within the post-Merdeka "baby boom" generation.

*************************************

I pointed out to Zelda that coming from a broken or divorced family (at least, a civil one) may be the short-end of the stick in one sense - but it may be a hidden blessing in other ways.

Children with challenging family backgrounds generally do have a capacity to mature faster and understand more, than adults give them credit for. They empathize better with others and most times, they're less judgemental (unless they've got deep-seated insecurities, which they refuse to acknowledge). They're more resilient and not so easily rattled by the often disappointing nature of ordinary people.

Sometimes, they learn to value the important things more - like love, respect and commitment - because they try so hard to gain, what they've never had. And some make exceptional parents (even exceptional single parents) because of the love and stability they never had.

Of course, there are side-effects - not all products of a divorced family turn out well. Some carry the scars with them, all throughout their lives.

Some have problems trusting or letting go of themselves sufficiently to love, almost afraid to be happy, for fear of being vulnerable to heartbreaks and letdowns. Some just go on a destructive path and not understand the meaning of the word commitment, much less its observance.

Some just choose the wrong man/woman for all wrong reasons, as if compensating and in substitution, for the sort of man they feel they should not go for. And some - choose to be with exactly the sort of destructive man/woman - which ended the marriage of their own parents - almost like a suicidal pattern.

But this is not to say that if you're divorced, your children will end up in a bad way. And there's no reason we should believe so. Many products of divorced families go on to become exceptional lovers/spouses/parents - and it is due to their difficult past experiences.

It's not about quantity of people - it's about the quality of love given. A single parent that is focusedand showers constant love on a child, is better than having a set of parents, that are neither attentive or supportive.

So, this is what I say, Zelda - you're an exceptional person who have survived many challenges and you always want the best for your child. From the way you speak of him, he is the center of your universe, the only blessing from an unfortunate set of marital circumstances.

Just love your child - there's more than enough love there, that he will never feel short of. Perhaps the guilt or regrets never really do go away, but it's not what happens to you (or your child) that makes your life - it's what you make happen, as well.

The Song Playing In My Head,....

2007-05-22T08:36:00.000-07:00

This song by John Mayer, sometimes describes what I feel about Malaysia.

Perhaps, in all parts of the world, there will be those of us who are waiting on the world to change,.....and some of us who are moving the world to change, in our own small ways. To each, his own shoes to fill.

*****************

Waiting On The World To Change

me and all my friends
we're all misunderstood
they say we stand for nothing and
there's no way we ever could
now we see everything that's going wrong
with the world and those who lead it
we just feel like we don't have the means
to rise above and beat it

so we keep waiting
waiting on the world to change
we keep on waiting
waiting on the world to change

it's hard to beat the system
when we're standing at a distance
so we keep waiting
waiting on the world to change
now if we had the power
to bring our neighbors home from war
they would have never missed a Christmas
no more ribbons on their door
and when you trust your television
what you get is what you got
cause when they own the information, oh
they can bend it all they want

that's why we're waiting
waiting on the world to change
we keep on waiting
waiting on the world to change

it's not that we don't care,
we just know that the fight ain't fair
so we keep on waiting
waiting on the world to change

and we're still waiting
waiting on the world to change
we keep on waiting waiting on the world to change
one day our generation
is gonna rule the population
so we keep on waiting
waiting on the world to change

we keep on waiting
waiting on the world to change

The Best Male Friend To Women Award?

2007-05-21T08:01:00.000-07:00

If there is an award that I could probably vie for and comfortably win, it's the award for being the best male friend to a woman.

There are many women who think I'm a great listener. They think I give good advice, despite my own life, being a distinct mess. They think I'm reliable and that I'm there for them, most of the time - especially when it counts. My shoulders have been a crying point, for many.

They say I'm fun to be around. They say I'm nice and a gentleman. They say they enjoy the intelligence, the warmth, the clownish company. A few of them look up to me like a brother figure and some, like a leader figure.

Sometimes, some of them say that any girl would be lucky to have me. And that some fine day, some lucky girl out there, will be. This "lucky" girl might as well be a leprechaun for all I care - it's almost become a fictional notion.

I suppose, one could take all these things as compliments - if one thought it was true.

But I honestly don't. I'm not sure if it's sympathy or people just being nice to me.

Because if I'm all that - then how come none of the people whom I like (and whom also says all these sweet nothings) would never want me for themselves?

It's that feeling I'm getting nowadays.

Good enough to be every girl's close (or best) friend, but never their lover.

That's the truth that bothers me. And maybe that's the reason why I don't try anymore.

It's because you know you've become extremely good, at something - and perhaps, as a result, totally awful at the other.

Maybe it's true, maybe it's not. Not that I know any better. The last time a woman I was totally crazy about, truly wanted to be my wife - was just way too long, ago.

And it's so far back in my life, it' beginning like a "fluke" phase that will never happen again.

For all the spectacular things that I can do - something that comes naturally to others - comes as such a struggle, to me.

And I have no idea why.

In Need of a Holiday

2007-05-16T10:38:00.000-07:00

I haven't taken a holiday break yet, since the beginning of the year. And it's coming to mid-year now.

And as of a month ago, significant events happened that's making this a pretty long year. Nothing makes you age, more than shocking events - and surviving them.

My spirit is feeling a little sapped - my faith in people (and mainly, leaders of all forms) is greatly shaken. And the stress of dealing with this entire event, has escalated to the point that it's affecting my sleep.

I badly need a break. The sort of feeling you have when everything becomes predictable and uninspiring - jaded, mundane - almost a helplessly stale feeling. A deja vu in Murphy's Law. I need a taste of something different - a new vista, a refreshing perspective, a renewed faith in the goodness of people and life.

Something spicy - like the feeling of traveling alone in Spain, that I had, a few years back. Life-changing experiences. New people. New things to understand.

I need a reason to fight. Something that tells me that there's light at the end of the tunnel - and that it isn't just another oncoming train.

Every fibre of my being is screaming out for a break, on an island somewhere - or just peering over a quiet lake, while sitting on the balcony of a water chalet. With fun and pleasant company - a pretty one would be a bonus, but one can live in hope, can't one?

Just a little bit more, I tell myself. Let's get this house in order - and once everything normalizes, let's go take that long-deserved break. I've earned it.

Early June - it's time to go. Just a little bit more to go, boy.

Just a little bit more.

Rapatmu, Sayang

2007-05-09T10:26:00.000-07:00

Rapatmu
Bagai udara yang menyelubungi jasadku
Seperti bayang yang mengekoriku
Seakan memori yang termanis
Bak selesa enak mimpi
yang teramat mengujakan

Rapatmu di sisiku
Walaupun kau tiada
Maupun pintu hati
ku tutup ketat,
Berlari dari kemahuan diri
yang terlalu
mendalam

Rapatmu
Dahaga tanpa puas
Yang melawan arus masa, jarak
dan lontaran kebencian
yang berulang-ulang
tanpa hentian

Namun rapatmu
Tidak bisa ku takluki,
Ketahuilah,
Kau lebih dekat pada hatiku
dan segala keinginan yang mungkin
ku idamkan,
Dari diriku sendiri

Walaupun dirimu
aku jauhi,
tapi rapatmu
bagai nafas yang perlu,
mengiringi sunyi setiap hari,
tanpa suara dan kelembutanmu,
sayang.

Nukilan:
Stingrayz
9 Mei 2007

Scared and Damaged

2007-04-29T07:29:00.000-07:00

There was an interesting phrase in tonight's episode of Gray's Anatomy, when describing someone who had gone through multiple number of traumatizing emotional experiences - "scared and damaged".

I felt that the phrase resonated with me - it could partly describe what I am, right now. And I remember thinking that the phrase could apply to a whole bunch of people that I know, as well.

People who have been through many, many challenges and disappointments in their lives.

People who are short on love and elders who acted like mature adults, when they were growing up - and who have ceased to believe in the sincerity of love - preferring the chilling comfort of pragmatic choices and the safety of material wealth.

People who have lost control of where they are emotionallly (or were) and are living lives of quiet desperation, silently coping - unknown to the outside world.

People who hang on to the futile hopes that come attached to the lies that they want to hear, from the person, that will never have the courage to be theirs.

People who choose to avoid the problems in their miserable marriages, rather than confront it - keeping up pretenses when the cracks in the relationship, were obvious to the world at large.

And many, many other people - they're all in one way or another - "scared and damaged".

There's no one right way of dealing with the problem of being "scared and damaged". We are all a product of our life experiences and environment.

But whatever the choices we make - no matter how scared and damaged we think we are - there's always some space to appreciate ourselves and to let others love us.

By all means, be a little cautious - you don't want to hurt anyone in the process - but don't stop yourself from living - and feeling.

Because you have to believe that fear of the past can be overcome and that all things heal with time, good sense, courage, forgiveness - and hope.

Scared and damaged - it doesn't have to be a permanent condition. It's understandable for you to be afraid - but it's not fine to run away, from your problems.

In the game that is life - you don't get the option of playing a permanent victim. No matter how scared and damaged you are - you're expected to bounce back strongly, one day.

You owe it to yourself, to do so.

Equilibrium Point

2007-04-26T09:51:00.000-07:00

These last 3 weeks have been one of the most challenging periods of my life.

The toughest challenges are always the unexpected ones. And it hurts even more when it brings great disappointments with it - people who let you down in great, big ways with major mistakes that are not so easily forgiven, by many.

But I'd like to think that I've survived it so far- and I've managed to do the right thing - to take the correct steps, without fear and favour. You only know the strength of your convictions and principles, when you have to take a definite stand on your principles against a close friend.

Corruption is not only about money. It's about abuse of power. It's about the lack of process and controls, that gives the leeway for it. It's about a total disregard for the well-being of others. It's the misplaced conviction that you know better than others - therefore, it's best not to tell them anything. The theory is that - what they don't know, won't hurt them.

There are those who are corrupt and they know it. There are those who have forgotten what corruption looks like and the indignation that one feels when faced with it. The rot is complete when people accept it as part of the process - and that there should be exceptions to the law and ethics.

I have taken steps to correct things from his transgressions. I am still vastly disappointed with his actions, but I've forgiven him. Sometimes, people just do stupid things - we have to accept that.

But do better than just doing the right thing - learn to forgive, encourage, rekindle and move on, if it justifies it. It doesn't have to be a zero sum game. Admittedly, people sometimes do lose their way - get them back on the right track - and who knows? They might be your saviour next, if not others.

***************************

But it's not easy. There's always a part of you that's always tempted to take the easy way out. But I'm glad I didn't give in to that temptation - my conscience would never have been able to live with it.

But there's something better than the ability to do the right thing, despite everything else.

Once that is done - one must have the ability to forgive, to give the remorseful and the repentant a second chance.

People forget that most better men are usually saddled with a history of mistakes that they've learned from - that's what makes them better men and leaders, eventually.

And most men who will never become better people, are those who shall never admit to their mistakes. Those who never look in the mirror because it never occured to them that they could be wrong.

***********************************

The emotional fast on romantic relationships is going well. I'm calmer now, even though things have been emotionally challenging on other fronts.

But for the first time, in a very long time - I'm at equilibrium point, with life.

There's no one else I'd rather be, at this point in time - nothing more that I'd wish I had done, in current circumstances.

Although I must admit - there are times when it's tempting to entertain the thoughts of starting all over again - in another place, on God's great earth. To just get away from it all.

To go away and to be in a place where my history (and sometimes, the darker aspects of the wrong sort of reputation) would not follow me - where I'm just an unknown stranger to most people - where there are no history of preconceived notions and where some people would give me a chance to be what I am and what I can be.

On some days, it's tempting.

But am not ready to entertain thoughts of uprooting and leaving yet - I love this country and there's still so much about it, that I would fight for.

And as long as it doesn't break me, trying to remain me and to keep hoping for better things on all fronts - I would continue being here - fighting away, as usual - in areas of life where many others have given up on (like corruption) and have resigned themselves to accept, as part of life.

As the saying goes - "For evil to win, good men only have to do nothing".

It's not evil's day to win yet - even if your impact be within a small seemingly insignificant circle, in the larger scheme of things - I pray that good people have the courage to fight off the wrong and to stop the rot at their doorstep.

Don't choose to do nothing, in the spheres of life where you can effect change. You're not as powerless, as you think.

Don't back off and wane in your spirits, even if you're in the small minority. Let evil wait another lifetime to win, while you and a few good men are around.

There are few achievements in life that will be as significant or meaningful in your life - as having the courage and integrity to do the right thing, at the right time and when it counts the most. Fight the good fight.

Awake and Battle Weary

2007-04-15T13:46:00.000-07:00

It's close to 5 a.m. and I'm blogging because I can't sleep.

I make it sound like it's the first morning that I haven't been able to sleep. It's not.

For the last month or so, I haven't been able to sleep properly - and it's getting worse. It's been ages since I last used the big bed in the room, because it feels too big and quiet for me to sleep on. I've been sleeping in front of the TV, on a thin mattress beside my yoga mat - and the last voice that puts me to sleep at night, is the television's.

If I'd care to admit it, in the last month or so, I've treated myself better.

I don't let people get away with things they shouldn't get away with and with this emotional fast, I try to keep things straight and simple - with a great degree of restraint - and to simply float in a space of existence - without any emotional dreams or disappointment.

Life is easier when you don't take risks with your emotions.

When you stop from throwing yourself into another emotional train-wreck, simply because you don't think you should give up on attempting to make things better.

When you stop jumping into relationships unless you're with a person that makes you feel alive, simply with a tender look, a loving smile and whom you have seemingly limitless patience for.

When you know what you want, what it looks like, how it feels like inside - and you know this not out of theory - but because you've revisited that same emotional point, over and over again - peppered with so many of the trials and errors - that accompany the effort of the possibility that things could begin, progress or end, in a different way.

At this point in my life - and with as many mistakes that I've made - I know when it's love - truly, madly, deeply - and I know when I'm trying to fool myself, into thinking that love could grow.

Sometimes, I'm exhausted and I forget for a while - when the part of my mind that focuses on the present, tells me to explore possibilities that I've literally run through many, many times in real life - and I almost forget that I could hurt myself, if not others, by trying when I don't really mean or want to.

I know myself now, in matters of the heart - theoretically and exhaustively tried and tested.

I'm an incurable romantic - and I can move mountains on sheer love and passion alone, if I'm in love with someone. And if it's reciprocated - you will see me do some really spectacular things in life. It's the sort of person I am - it's all or nothing.

It's not a choice, really - it's how I'm built inside, emotionally. All or nothing. Love or loneliness. Euphoria or emptiness. Great passion or sheer indifference. I simply cannot compromise on the choices the heart makes. God knows I've tried.

It's not that I've not tried the middle path of compromise - it's just that the results of these attempts have always been heartbreaking - either for me, or the people who have tried to love me. And I'm not the sort of person that can sustain a pretense for long - sooner or later, if it's not who I am, the cracks will begin to show.

Knowing (and I mean really knowing) the person that you are, is the first step. Patiently accepting the person that you are, (even if it puts you into an unhappy corner, for the time being) is a second difficult step. Staying the course, persevering and continuing on the track of what defines you as a loving being - is the hardest third step of all.

I wish for better nights of sleep.

The sleep that I need at night. The waking sleep that I have in the day when I work and occupy myself to the sheer point of exhaustion at night - so that I don't have t notice - that I don't quite have an emotional and familial end, to all these worldly efforts. And that without love and family, the efforts for money, fame and success is not as meaningful as it should be, to me.

I don't have any answers for now. I know that I don't want to hurt (greatly) anymore and I don't want to hurt anyone anymore.

I want to be kinder and more respectful of myself and yet to give others the love and respect due to them, because they've earned it - or simply because I want to give them, more than they deserve.

Every day, I find that little bit more strength to carry on - because of the people around me - the friendships of people who are loyal and generous with their time and attention, sometimes to a fault - and I'm lucky to have them - even if over time, I'm still learning to separate the wheat from the chaff.

Meanwhile, I go on with my life and I do my best with my work (and my uncompromising stand that the end does not justify the means, even in the business world) and my relationship with close friends, eking out every ounce of joy, out the sincere reciprocal act of giving and receiving, caring and being cared for - from some of the most emotionally generous people in the world, despite their busy schedules.

And I try to take the 3 steps of being who I am, in matters of the heart - to know, to accept and to persevere - and hope that somewhere along the line, sleep will not elude me as much, nor the peace I seek for, within.

**********************************************

On another note, I want to talk for a while on cynicism.

All my life, I've always asked why so many old people, become hardened and cynical in their outlook on life. I always wondered why - and for some of these people, I know that they were the most inspiring of people, in their younger days - successful, positive, vibrant and nothing short of mercurial in effort, if not results.

I wondered whether there was a definite turning point - or whether it's something corrosive that gradually eats up the faith that you have - in people and situations.

And almost all of my adult life - I've battled hard against cynicism - simply because I think that it not only erodes the human spirit and it's a contagious social disease - it's much easier to prepare and set yourself up for disappointment with low expectations of yourself (and others) and in your ability to make a difference.

After all, it's much easier to blame the world and all the evil that comes beating down your door. To accept it, to never be disappointed, to give up on people and situations, before you even try.

And sooner or later, you find yourself pulling out (or worse, playing the dirty game) and totally focusing on what benefits you and you justify it by saying "everybody does this" or things like "this how things are in Malaysia, just accept it-lah" or "I'm just a cog in the wheel".

Cynicism cannot and does not create. It is the quiet evil seedling that teaches you to give up on life and others and to recoil, into your cavernous and selfish existence. It creates people who refuse to fight and who have learned to give up early on, so they don't have to face the prospect of failure or disappointment, ever.

But over time - I'm beginning to consciously learn, why (and how) cynicism creeps up on you.

It creeps up on you, when people close to you and whom you care about tremendously, hurt you deeply.

It creeps up on you when you witness the undeserving and unmeritorious, take the lion's share of life's opportunities, through less than palatable methods.

It creeps up on you when you feel that you have been used by loved ones and friends and some of them, would not give a damn about you, if it doesn't benefit them, in any way.

It creeps up on you, when the governance system in your company or country fails you - and continues failing you - despite all your hard work, to make things better.

It creeps up on you, when you hardly see the kindness of loved ones and when you're constantly bombarded by the hard path and the calamities in your life, through no fault of your own, like losing loved ones through man-made tragedies (like the Highland Towers one), abandonment of your parents or the bitter divorce of your parents.

It creeps up on you, when you have been disappointed repeatedly, by people or situations, that you unwittingly find yourself in - regardless of how you try to modify your approach to the situation.

It creeps on you when your heroes or leaders you look up to - sell out on their principles and compromises the interest of others, for the sake of obtaining ill-gotten wealth.

Most importantly of all, cynicism gets the better of you - when you've exhausted all your emotional reserves and faith in people and situations - and the possibility of constructive change, no matter how slim the chances may look.

Cynicism gets the better of you - when you're afraid to get hurt again and when it's easier to erect a great wall of disbelief and expected disappointments - so that regardless of what disaster happens - you've "expected"it and you can't get hurt.

We negatively harden ourselves inside to protect against hurt and disappointment - it happens to the best of us, it happens to the rest of us.

Having gone through the last few difficult years since 2003, has taught me the why's and how's of cynicism. I realize why people do it and I realize why people get to that point, in their lives. People generally, do not have deep wells of faith, forgiveness and understanding - for other people and situations, which disappoint them.

Although understanding it - does not make me accept it, any better.

Simply because we don't have an alternative to rejecting cynicism - any other choice by the collective, leaves us much poorer for it - because a decision to not get disappointed, is a decision to not hope.

And how can things ever change for the better, if we even refuse to entertain, the possibility of hope?

****************************************

The sun is coming up soon and work beckons. Sleep eludes me for another day.

Maybe I'll have better luck, tomorrow night.

I guess I need to believe that it can.

Topeng Yang Lusuh

2007-04-10T11:21:00.000-07:00

Tulus itu
suatu kitab hilang
manusia hari ini
Kepuraan tidak sudah
membaluti motif serong

Topeng itu
walaupun lusuh dimakan zaman
rajin dipakai insan rakus
batinnya lapar dahaga
bergelumang rezeki haram

Tekad itu
azam melawan manusia palsu
yang sujudnya kanan Tuhan, sembahnya kiri Iblis
bermain wayang, mencari kuasa
tapi khianat di puncak, lupa segala amanah

Tabah itu
rasa insan minoriti
Tidak ingin kompromi, enggan maruah dijual
persetankan destinasi akhir
asal hidup bergenggam prinsip

Tawakkal itu
usaha melawan badai sesat
ukurnya bukan menang kalah
tapi bak terang bulan dipagari pekat malam,
Tunggal setia, sumber inspirasi si pencinta

Nukilan:
Stingrayz
11 April 2007

Square Pegs and Round Holes

2007-04-08T07:27:00.000-07:00

Square pegs and round holes. This was the analogy that I used to explain to someone whom was hurting after her boyfriend (whom is a close friend) had left her.

I was trying to explain to her that the failure was not out of a lack of effort on her side - or his, for that matter. They had both given it their very best effort.

It's just that at this particular juncture of their lives, they're not suited to each other. There's a severe maturity gap (although neither of them are very mature yet) which makes them a prickly combination, when together.

Understandably, the concept was difficult for her to grasp. A natural over-achiever, she greatly believed in herself and the ability to overcome anything, if you give it your best. It's worked for her in her student life and her nascent career, so far. She seemed to have the idea that the only way to fail, is when you give up.

In some ways, in some areas of life - she's right. But in matters of the heart - and in friendships too, as I've discovered lately - you have to know when it does not fit and when something is just plain wrong, staying together - regardless of how hard one side or both sides, try.

For something to work it has to feel right on both sides - and even if that is satisfied, it should follow certain norms of moral observance and societal engagement - like not messing about with a married man with children. Sometimes, there are many more important things than love - there's respect and consideration that you don't take the risk of damaging the lives of others, on a whim of passion.

In matters of the heart and friendship - you have to know when to quit your emotional investment, before you burn all your emotional reserves. You should only invest in things that have the potential of growth - antyhing that stagnates or depletes your reserves, is a loss-making investment.

And you have to understand the rule of square pegs and round holes. And to know when to cut your losses, because you know that you deserve better.

Lately, in my life - I'm starting to learn the concept of self-respect - that love for others, loved ones, friends and family - does not mean that you have to sell yourself short. And that a good investment in love - is when there is reciprocity in investment and mutual respect.

Maybe it doesn't have to be in equal doses - but it must be in sufficient, equitable doses. You'll always know inside, when you're tolerating selfish creatures that only know how to use you and to demand things of you - without reciprocating anything, in return.

*********************************************

So, here comes the natural counter-argument: Opposites attract, right? So, how does one explain that?

Yes, opposites do attract. I'm sure we've seen our share of it - pretty girls to ugly guys, smart guys to bimbos, liberal city boys to traditional rural girls, boisterous noisy women to quiet unassuming men, etc.

There's something about people who are different from us, that piques our curiousity, that arouses our interest - that attracts us like moths to flame.

Yes, opposites do attract - but they can only last with a common foundation and perspective on core issues. Sometimes, that common foundation is just there. Sometimes, it has to be fought out and drainingly developed over time.

And sometimes, when you get 2 people who are so diversely different or diamterically opposed (or equally headstrong, for that matter) - you never reach that common foundation - and it doesn't last.

With people who are opposites, things can only last if you can learn to listen to one another's voice, above the din of one's own.

And when I say listen, I mean to hold back all pre-conceived notions and value judgement, until you understand what the other party is saying. It's learning to empathize - to imagine for a while, if you were in the other person's shoes with his circumstances and historical background.

And to have large reservoirs of forgiveness and the humility to apologize - for any wrong that you've done or even when you don't feel that you're in the wrong - for the hurt that has been caused - even if it's not your fault.

These are not easy traits to pick up. 9 of out 10 people Ive met can't do it - especially the smart ones - because they like the sound of their own voices, they're convinced by the strength of their own preaching (even when they don't walk it) and because they never admit or even momentarily allow themselves the space of self-doubt - hence, lacking the ability to give the benefit of the doubt, to others.

It requires you to be sensitive to the nature of others. It requires you to set aside your ego - and to put the other person, as the centrepiece of your focus, in understanding the issue. It requires you to temporarily suspend all fixed notions of right and wrong - and to see if there's a new perspective that could be learnt here, for things to improve.

You can't address what you don't understand.

You can't make things better when you've decided that the only thing that can remained unchanged, in a relationship conflict, is yourself. That it always has to be the other party caving in - or that when you do give in, that it's a strategic bargaining move or tactical advantage to gain the upper hand in different aspects of the relationship.

To be a good lover and a good friend - you have to learn the art of giving and sacrificing.

Good relationships and friendships are grown on the altar of emotional investment, time, fun, sharing, nurturing, appreciation, constant adjustment, benefit of the doubt, forgiveness and most of all, an acceptance of the other person for who he or she is - without looking down at their values - or feel the need to feel superior to them, to feel good about oneself.

It's not a matter of who wins or who is right - it's a matter of putting the value of the relationship, above each individual party's interest. It's making the "we" matter more than "I".

**************************************

I've always liked diversity in friendships.

I have many, many friends and acquiantances and the range of behaviour that's acceptable to me - is far wider than most people can tolerate. With me, it's simple - everyone has some form of good qualities in them - from the neighbourhood's pak ustaz to the drunkard intellectual hedonist.

And if we just take the time to listen - you may just learn something new - a fresh and different perspective on life. Or maybe you'll learn why a person thinks a certain way.

People fascinate me - perhaps, that explains my penchant for diversity in friendships. My world keeps getting bigger and more colourful, because of the things that I understand from them and their lives. It's better than fiction - it's real life! (Who says reading is the only way to learn?)

But managing that diversity requires me to be almost value-neutral, publicly. What it means is that even though I have my own set of beliefs and values, I don't impose them on others. I'm not looking to preach to them - I'm looking to learn from each and every single one of them.

But managing that dievrsity can be difficult - either ways, wherever you are on the moral spectrum, you will be judged by them.

Some people can manage true acceptance of other people - other people put on a fake tolerance of others, just to display that they're tolerant - even if they totally cannot relate, to the values of another.

As I grow older, I'm beginning to realize that it's becoming increasingly difficult for people who have rarely made mistakes, to be friends with people who have made many, many mistakes.

True humility (and not the silly feigned modesty thing that the Malays are usually guilty of) usually comes as a function of trial and error and surviving major mistakes. True humility comes from knowing that we are not perfect or free from mistakes and that the only way to survive them is to constantly question oneself and to make necessary course corrections along the way.

And unless you have humility - you can never be entirely self-aware - and more importantly, sensitive to the environment around you. Humility is the thing that keeps you from being socially stupid or impulsive - of saying things that may hurt or offend others, deliberately or otherwise.

Whatever it is - we are, who we are - sometimes, we can help it, sometimes, we can't - because we don't have the E.Q. to know any better.

And lately, I find that I may not have the strength to manage such a diverse range of people - especially, when they can't or don't accept me, for who I am.

There used to be a time when I felt that I had the strength to compensate for their shortfall and tantrums - that as long as I gave a bit more, the relationship or friendship would be fine.

But that is not the case, anymore. Reaching my mid-30's - I find the need to simplify, to discard of things which are emotionally harmful or simply a baggage that I do not have to carry about.
And to focus more on the relationships and friendships that are more sincere, rewarding and reciprocal - the ones that do not give me constant grief.

Not all friendships are created equal.

And it's about time I stopped giving undeserving people so much benefit of the doubt - on the count of giving, caring and time and money investment, I think I've exceeded them by about three times over, at least.

*****************************************

And sometimes, I find out - that I don't even get proper respect, after all that.

That sometimes, they don't even bother verifying the truth on matters, with me - they just unilaterally make up their minds, from their preconceived judgement of my past and totally lacking in appreciation, for any improvements that I have made, since then.

What is the point of intellect and friendship, when the truth becomes something optional? What is the point of having friends who "have grown tired" of you and who can only see your mistakes and have forgotten to consider all your past deeds and kindness, when they were down, conflicted and confused?

Yes, I have made many mistakes in life - I'll be the very first to admit that - especially when it comes to my choice of women. But that doesn't mean that I'll forever be a screw-up in this area and that it's okay for you to assume so - because it's not.

Why is it that most people always remember the times, when others are down - but usually, are less critical of their own moments of folly and weakness?

**********************************************

To the particular friend that I'm addressing this to - if the truth has become optional to you and from your words and actions, you only have but unwarranted distrust for me - then, you would do better without my friendship.

I have the truth on my side and God knows better - and I hope one day, you will know better. But for now, with all due respect - to hell, with your ingratitude, immaturity and "holier than thou" attitude.

You do not deserve my friendship, if the truth has become optional to you. You neither value me or my friendship - that has become manifestly clear, in the last few days.

And I've finally realized it - I'm tired of selling myself short, when it comes to you.

**********************************************

Square pegs and round holes. If I could tell that girl now - I would tell her that it not only applies to romantic relationships, but also friendships.

And there comes a point in time, when we should stop pushing for things that don't fit, with people who don't try to stretch themselves on anything other than their own self-interest. Or to stretch their understanding and perspective of things, beyond the myopic parameters of their own fixed values and limited life experiences.

We all should have good friendships and relationships - but we should focus on people who are worthy of our effort. Don't sell yourself short and over-compensate- if the person looks selfish, most of the time, he is selfish. Actions rarely lie.

As you get older, focus more on the round pegs - regardless of which colour they come in. It promises better returns, on your labour of love.

I'm not cynical - I'm just making the necessary course corrections in life, so that from this year onwards, in both friendships and relationships - I don't come in last, in my own book.

Emotion Fasting

2007-03-16T21:26:00.000-07:00

In the next few months until Hari Raya Aidilfitri or so, I'm going on an emotional fast.

I haven't had one of these in years, now. It's basically a time when I avoid any form of emotional entanglements, focus on my work, myself and some self-improvement and personality "makeover" (if not a physical or an activity-based one).

It's a time when I internalize and take time out to make personal quantum leaps in life - and change in unexpected directions, when I'm determined to do so. I'm a natural Scorpio - change is easy for us, once we set our minds to it and when we're determined to follow-through.

I'm looking forward to the quiet time and the lack of emotional complexity or of complicated and complicating people.

As I looked through some wedding photos on Friendster and reflected on how turbulent my emotional life has been since end-2004 - I know that I've been through a roller-coaster of emotions, which would have most people floored and devastated by now. But I'm still standing, still forgiving and still not bitter - at least, in most cases.

My self-esteem has taken somewhat of a battering and I wonder sometimes, whether I'm worth loving by the people I love - but I snap out of it quickly enough and count my blessings for close friends who are caring, respectful, constant, consistent and worth their weight in gold.

I may be awful in one aspect my emotional life - and I may always be awful in that area, if track record is anything to go by.

But in many other aspects - I'm living my life exactly the way I want to, right now - I'm living my dreams, my principles and I'm doing my part as a pro-active citizen- without wavering, without forced silence in fear, without losing my belief in ideals of constructive change, that must continue standing.

Yes, there is a small price for all this - I know that in many instances in my life, silence would have benefitted me greatly, from a financial perspective and my life would have been very different, now - but there are no regrets. This soul is not for sale.

I'm not exactly sure where it's leading to, just yet - but I have faith in destiny and that what you are saddled with, is no more than what you can bear. Wherever it leads to, I will do my best and I will want to have few regrets in life.

But yes, let the emotional fast begin. It's a time to internalize, to simplify, to look within and be stronger. If all good things come to those who wait - let it come at its own pace - I shall not wait in anticipation or hope, anymore. I shall just keep on improving.

There is a great life waiting to be lived, begging for my focus. I'm halfway through my life and I guess, I really want to find out where this leads to.

May the next few months be the most interesting ever, yet.

A Different Me, Perhaps?

2007-03-12T10:54:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, for the first time (perhaps in my life), I felt like I wanted to be somebody else.

For a brief moment yesterday, it felt inadequate to be me. I found myself wanting to be more like the typical possessive man, jealous and manic to the point of constant suspicion.

I must admit that I have no idea what those feelings must feel like. I've gone through so many things which have taught me that if you love someone, you trust them. You may not trust the rest of the world, but you trust the people you're in love with.

But I wonder sometimes, whether my trust and respect for my loved ones, can be construed to be uncaring? After all, jealousy is a sign of love and many women love it, that their partners are capable of jealousy. It shows that they're still noticed, cared for and wanted - constantly.

I hardly have a jealous bone in my body - I don't quite know how to do it.

But the intensity of my feelings for my loved ones and my patience for all the things that they put me through, I dare say, is unrivalled. I'd do pretty much anything for the people I'm in love with - literally. And some of my friends have commented that my tolerance for difficult and complex people that I'm in love with, seem to be limitless.

It's just that I don't show it in that way. I've always thought people who are possessive and overly jealous, are an insecure lot - despite all the great things they have achieved in life, ironically. Many people don't understand that trust is a 2-way street - if you expect it, you must give it - and assume the best of people, unless God shows you differently.

But yes, for a brief moment - of about 2-3 hours - I wished I was someone else - before I snapped out of it and realized how much work (and experience) it has taken for me, to be who I am today. I went through hell to be who I am today - and this is not an accident of fate, I worked hard to be the person who I am, today.

This was not a mistake and if there are people who cannot value the untypical traits of a man - well, maybe they're just not for me.

Yes, love is blind and foolhardy, at times - and there may be many things you may be willing to sacrifice to make something work with your loved ones (even the close friends who have been there for you, countless times).

But no one is worth sacrificing yourself for - if they can't take you for who you are, they've never really wanted you for who you've been. And they probably want you, for the person they eventually expect you to be.

And no amount of love, on either sides, changes that fact. Not any amount.

On Being Needed and Wanted

2007-03-09T11:19:00.000-08:00

There is a major difference in being needed and being wanted.

Today, I pondered on whether the distinction really mattered to me. In most areas of my life, it's good enough to be needed - for people to acknowledge that my presence makes a difference - that I'm the right solution to the right problem. Or maybe just a problem, any problem.

Sometimes, you grow so accustomed to that - that it becomes good enough to be needed and you can't seem to distinguish anymore between that and the feeling of being wanted - truly wanted for who you are. And you start feeling like maybe being needed, is just as good as being wanted.

But no it's not, really. It's nowhere near, as good - and if you can even remotely remember what it feels like to be wanted and how good that is - you might not settle for just being needed, as and when the need arises.

Because as a close friend said - being wanted implies that a person chose to be there with you, not because circumstances has somewhat forced him to do so. Being wanted, means the other person is there for you because you're just as important as he is, if not more.

And if you can remember - being wanted by someone you want - is the most divine feeling in the world. It's the choice - the commitment and willingness behind the choice - that makes it all so sweet.

It's nice to want someone who needs you - but it's best to not settle for any less than a person who equally wants you, as much as you want her. When she drags her feet on small, simple but thoughtful things and gestures - she probably doesn't want you.

Settling is not just about not choosing your 2nd choices - it's also about not letting yourself be the 2nd choice for others.

There is no equal measure in treatment either in friendships or relationships - but you can always tell when a person thinks about more than just himself or herself - and bothers to be equitably fair and thoughtful to you, without being asked to do so. You can tell. The signs are telling and all there.

Yes, I'm okay with being needed - but I realized today, how much more I'd rather be wanted.

Because gratitude and obligation will never rival desire and sincerity, in the sweetness and fervour of reciprocity. Never.

Love others. Love yourself. Love others who love you, in return. Get what you deserve.

The message is blinking, like broken traffic lights in my mind.

Uncle Tan's Hopes

2007-03-02T15:04:00.000-08:00

Another sad day is here.

Teng Ta's father passed away on early Friday morning, after battling brain tumour (and a fading memory ala Alzheimer's and with diminished mental capacity) for a period of close to 1 year, or so. Teng Ta is what I call my former Singaporean housemate, during our days in London, in his cozy apartment in Whitechapel.

From a workaholic corporate high-flyer in a multinational corporation to a quiet life devoted to religion, as a pastor, in his final years - Uncle Tan's transformation was nothing short of spectacular. He was quietly unassuming, yet inspiring in his humility.

I remember what Uncle Tan once mentioned to me during one of our conversations, many, many years ago. He related that in the true friendship that Teng Ta and I have, he saw hope that one day - the Malaysia-Singapore relationship could vastly improve, on a substantive basis - and not be the "volleyball of politicians".

He imagined a day when people could stop "wearing flags" on their sleeves "and the past as their badges" and to treat each other first, as human beings rather than citizens of geographical locations and allegiance. He saw what we were doing as defying convention, "building bridges" across races, nations and the thick of prejudice.

I've known Teng Ta for 13 years now, since our university days and our bond of friendship is now stronger than ever - even though I only get to see him 2-3 times a year. He now has a lovely wife, Karen and a baby boy - he's living a pretty blessed life, which I'm rather envious of, sometimes.

On Sunday, I will be leaving for Singapore for a few days, to visit Teng Ta's family and to pay my respects. Teng Ta had driven up all the way to KL to visit me, when my mother passed away in late 2004. I never expected to be returning the visit, so soon.

The seeds of your hope we will carry with us, Uncle Tan. We will not forget your "amanah". May your soul rest in peace, with the blessings that you truly deserve. God bless you, Sir.

Time and Tide

2007-02-28T09:52:00.000-08:00

All my life, I've been a planner.

When I was 16, I planned my whole life out - including when I would marry, have children and become a millionaire. When I was 27, I changed my plans. Now at 33, I'm surprised at how far off I am, from what I once planned.

With the exception of in the area of romantic relationships, I consider myself a cautious person. I tend to think things through. I only take risks where I think it's a reasonable and calculated one and I always know where my floor and cut-off point is.

And unless I have a very strong attachment to something or someone, I find that I am easily (almost coldly) able to sever links and relationships, which I feel has become a pain and a liability - although that almost never happens, in my life.

Mum always taught me to be practical about money - it's a means to an end. But she always reminded me that it's an important means to a happier end.

I remember growing up, accompanied by stories of individuals and families who have been unhappy, due to shortage of money or the inability to practice financial discipline. In my own family, I've tasted the bitter medicine of having to pay for the mistakes of my siblings, who were less than careful with money - especially when the loans were under my name.

In a way, I'm my mother's child. I'm careful with money (though by no means stingy) and I always plan the ins-and-outs of the money I have. And I almost never bite off more expenses than my finances can chew. Or take on more responsibilities than I can afford.

Cut your cloth according to your size, Mum always repeated. More often than not, that's always been my guiding principle.

But I've observed that personal finance is always a tricky area, for many people.

Sometimes people who look and dress like they have more money than you, are living on a negative cashflow and negative net worth. I've seen the most capable of bankers, financiers, accountants and businessman who are not careful with their spending - where life is a constant status treadmill of keeping up with the Yeohs (our Malaysian version of keeping up with the Jones').

Why do you think there's so many BMWs and nice lovely homes on auctions nowadays? It's because many Malaysians take money for granted (that they'll always have more of it, in the future) and almost never delay their gratification. They are either without savings or are over-geared in their borrowings.

But almost always, they dress well (or God knows, they try to) - although only a minority of them, can be considered wealthy. And sometimes, their appearance belies their wealth - like the shark fin soup restaurant owner, whom used to come my branch of Hong Leong Finance, back in the mid-90's.

The old man looked like he couldn't afford a singlet and proper pair of bermuda shorts - until you start counting the RM20,000 - RM50,000 which he brings in daily, in cash. Then you know, he's just plain stingy - with himself.

But except for brief periods/phases of my life when I was in the family business, where I had to pump in money to compensate for Abang's financial recklessness - I've always been careful with money. Not overtly so - just sufficiently above average careful. I know I plan a lot more than other people do.

Mum's selective frugality was a good habit to inherit. It keeps me grounded and it stops from digging large of holes of debt, which I shouldn't create.

But the old lady was far from a churchmouse - she loved looking pretty, she loved being stylish and she loved her glitttery jewelleries.

The basic difference was, she always saved up, for all the things that she wanted - she had too much pride to ask for money from others, especially from her children. It was a self-reliance that I found uncommon, for parents and elders.

I have relatives in Kelantan, who make it a profession of asking people for money - for any purpose under the sun - to buy a motorbike (or once, a motorboat to do a rice smuggling business), get a second wife, build a new house, have a 14th child, etc.

My mother is one of the most charitable people, I know - but she disapproved of the behaviour of some of our relatives, who only knew how to unshamingly ask and never knew how to save. And the behaviour seems to spread over generations in the family, believe me. And the habit of borrowing without paying back, disgusted her.

My mother came from a poor family too and was only educated up to 15 years old (which was pretty advanced for her time) - but she never found it as an excuse not to progress in life, be it from a financial or educational perspective or to improve one's knowledge. When she lived, she spoke better English than some of the overseas-trained lawyers I've met! And she always asked probing questions which would later indicate to you, that she's not to be under-estimated.

But in essence, one of my late mother's more enduring legacies, which I'm grateful for - is leaving me with a cautious attitude towards money. She always protested the lifestyle and attitude of "biar papa, asal bergaya".

***************************************

I caught a movie "A Lot Like Love" on TV just now (actually, this must be the 4th time, I've ever watched it) starring Ashton Kuthcher and Amanda Peet.

There was this one scene when Ashton's down and out character, had to start from scratch again, after failing in his dotcom venture. He was flat broke and found himself living with his mother again - at 30 years old.

He was sitting by the beach with his married deaf-mute brother, who had a child who was playing by the seaside. And his brother said to him (in sign language) while gesturing towards the child - "You should have one of those you know. They're great".

His reply was - "Yeah, that was the plan" (implying that having a family (with a girl he was still crazy about after 6 years) would be next thing in line in his plans, once he was successful and financially wealthy).

And his brother said: "Your life is right here and now - life is not going to wait for you to get up on your feet again."

*******************************************

I reflected on that scene and I realized how much I was like Ashton's character now, if not before, too.

Just like him and given that I am by nature, a planner - I expect my life to follow a neat, planned sequence that makes sense. That I would be successful in my business and then to marry and have a family and thereafter, sell out from my business and semi-retire to a life in full-time politics (like what Tony Pua is doing now).

And I swear I was braver, in my 20's - there was a time when I would have married my girlfriend even on a lowly rookie executive's pay in a commercial bank. But in my 30's and having survived an economic crisis - I'm far more cautious now.

I'm willing to take business risks now, because I'm single, somewhat invulnerable and I'm my only risk.

And if I was going to have a family now, I would like to ideally be in a financial position where not working would be an option my future wife could consider, without having to compromise so severely on the family's lifestyle.

And I'm fully aware that the expectations of a man in his 30's is far different, from a man in his 20's. In her 20's - the woman is much more likely to be happy to help out, financially - as they're both young and just starting out. In her 30's (and for some, with a few kids later) - she wants to be taken care of, as she's already been allotted more than her fair share of responsibilities - she's a wife, a mother, a daughter and sometimes, an employee or an entrepreneur, too.

Women and their parents (and our society too, perhaps) is less forgiving of an educated, middle-class man still looking for financial "comfort" in his 30's. And it's always a tough balance when you're an entrepreneur - gestations periods can be long, before things turn around the bend, if at all. Better for you to be a professional working for a foreign multinational - that's the pick of the crop.

Is it any wonder that our parents used to rush us to get married in our 20's? Perhaps, they knew expectations differ once a person is in their 30's and aligning the couple's expectations, could be more difficult. Because you're wiser and you know better, your financial needs and you'd be less clouded by the naivete of youth.

*******************************************

I know the virtues of financial planning and delaying one's gratification. But I sometimes wonder whether I'm putting my life on hold, simply because of my innate need for things to fall in sequence (when they don't necessarily work that way), before progressing to the next stage.

There's always a price and trade-off to delayed gratification (especially in matters of matrimony) - you're trading financial stability for youth, comfort for time, maturity for a shorter potential lifetime with one's children, wealth for health, achieving your dreams for years alone, etc.

And the thing is the price always looks like it's worth paying at this front-end - until you actually go through it - and possibly regret that some actions were not taken earlier on, in life.

Like the line in the movie goes - life is not going to wait for you, to get up on your feet.

Maybe that's why people do what they do - it's not that they're not thinking, it's just that we're only passing this way once - and the going may never be as good as they are right now. Hence, the imperative to live life in the moment.

In my 30's - I'm quite sure that the line lies somewhere in between - in between achieving the ideal in our lives and living our life ideally, in the present. Because as the line in the Aerosmith song goes - "I don't wanna miss a thing".

By all means, plan your life - but leave some space for God's blessings to enter in between and for the moments to be enjoyed, with love and family.

A Good Man in Politics

2007-02-21T19:40:00.000-08:00

I'm halfway through, reading "The Audacity of Hope" by the dashing American Democrat politician cum aspiring President, Barack Obama.

I'm not very fond of the way he writes, but I find myself agreeing to almost all of what he said in the book, so far.

Obama seems to have that one quality that most politicians lack, anywhere in the world - intellectual integrity.

He refuses to cave in to the temptation of winning arguments by virtue of one-sided arguments or a partisan stand, preferring instead to get to the root of the problem and taking a bipartisan approach, by acknowledging all sides of the problem and even considering possible solutions, offered by people who are politically opposed to oneself.

And he values the virtue of walking the talk and to avoid from diluting one's one own opinion and stand on issues, despite the risk to the position that one holds. I think that is one of the most necessary and redeeming features of a good statesman - to be consistent and persistent, to lead and to solve, when others would only prefer to argue.

And that makes him a rare animal in a world, where political and national leaders, have held on to toeing the party line and alignment, defending its stand and virtues, even when its stand is wrong or mistaken and their values have become irrelevant, outdated and quite possibly, corrosive to the nation's future development.

In some parts of the book, one begins to realize that despite America and Malaysia being 2 vastly different countries, at different stages of maturity - some of thepublic and national issues we're grappling with are similar.

I'd just like to share with all of you a few passages from "The Audacity of Hope":

"Of course, in the end a sense of mutual understanding isn't enough. After all, talk is cheap; like any value, empathy must be acted upon. When I was a community organizer back in the eighties, I would often challenge neighbourhood leaders by asking them where they put their time, energy and money.

Those are thetrue tests of what we value, I'd tell them, regardless of what we like to tell ourselves.

If we aren't willing to pay a price for our values, if we aren't willing to make some sacrifices in order to realize them, then we should truly ask ourselves if whether we truly believe them at all"

*************************************

"It's not simply a gap that exists between our professed ideals as a nation and the reality that we witness everyday. In one form or another, that gap has existed since America's birth.

Wars have been fought, laws passed, systems reformed, unions organized and protests staged to bring promise and practice into closer alignment.

No, what's troubling is the gap between the magnitude of our challenges and the smallness of our politics - the ease which we are distracted by the petty and trivial, our chronic avoidance of tough decisions, our seeming inability to build a working consensus to tackle any big problem.

*************************************

"I am convinced that whenever we exaggerate and demonize, oversimplify or overstate our case, we lose.

Whenever we dumb down our political debate, we lose.

For it's preceisely the pursuit of ideological purity, the rigid orthodoxy and the sheer predictability of our current political debate, that keeps us from finding new ways to meet the challenges we face as a country.

It's what keeps us locked in "either/or" thinking: the notion that we can only have big government or no government; the assumption that we must either tolerate forty-six million without health insurance or embrace "socialized medicine".

It is such doctrinaire thinking and stark partisanship that have turned Americans off politics."

***************************************

"The demands of party loyalty, the imperative of campaigns and the amplification of conflict by the media, all contribute to an atmosphere of suspicion.

Moreover, most people who serve in Washington have been trained either as lawyers or political operatives - professions that tend to place a premium on winning arguments rather than solving problems.

I can see how, after a certain amount of time in the capital, it becomes tempting to assume that those who disagree with you have fundamentally different values - indeed, that they are motivated by bad faith and perhaps, are bad people."

****************************************

"Sometimes, we need both cultural transformation and government action - a change in values and a change in policy - to promote the kind of society we want.

The state of our inner city schools is a case in point. All the money in the world won't boost student achievement if parents make no effort to instill in their children the values of hard work and delayed gratification.

But when we as a society, pretend that poor children will fulfill their potential in dilapidated, unsafe schools with outdated equipment and teachers who aren't trained in the subjects they teach - we are perpetrating a lie to these children and on ourselves. We are betraying our values".

********************************

"Like many conservatives, I believe in the power of culture to determine both individual success and social cohesion, and I believe we ignore cultural factors at our peril. But I also believe that our government can play a role in shaping that culture for the better - or for the worse."

********************************

Personally, I don't think that Obama would make it in his bid to be the Democrat's choice for Presidential candidate (my money's still on Hillary Clinton - bringing with it a 2nd era of "Clintonship" in the White House).

But I'll be honest - I would love to see more of the likes of him in Washington and perhaps, for him to be the first non-Caucasian American President, one day.

America badly the needs the wisdom and guidance of a centrist-leaning leader that's willing to take the hard decisions to not only make it more politically sensible and economically more competitive and equitable, but also far more internationally humane in its approach and socially cohesive as a nation.

Having said that, where are our very own Obamas in Malaysia?

Fear Weaving

2007-02-20T19:00:00.000-08:00

It creeps up on you, without you even realizing it.

Just when you think when you know what fear looks and feels like, it deceives you by embedding itself into your calculating logic and experience-based instincts, giving it a veneer of respectability and camouflaging the true nature of fear.

I asked myself a few days ago, whether I've become afraid to love.

The mind obviously said "no" - as whatever it was, it didn't feel or act like fear. It felt more like caution or prudent assessment, if you like - but it didn't have the scent of fear.

Surely, the mind is allowed to exercise some caution, after so much hurt and experience, no? I mean, what would we be, if we kept venturing forth repeatedly and knocking our heads in the same direction - without getting a different result? We would only be hurt, in the end, right?

And who wants to be hurt, right?

Experience is a good teacher - but it is only as good a teacher, as the (correct) lessons you extract from it.

But there are times when experience makes you fixed and rigid in your perspective and when you recognize "patterns" far too prematurely, in relationships - you tend to to "filter" a little too much, by mental checklists and criteria - as if you're now overcompensating, for too little filtering earlier on, in your romantic ventures and escapades.

And even if you're the gung-ho type to live your dreams - eventually, the battle scars wear you down and without realizing it - you let fear seep into your life - influencing crucial decisions, without you realizing it.

Even while you think you're still the hopeless romantic. Even as you're still doing loving and thoughtful gestures left, right and center for the people you love. Even if you'd rush over at a moment's notice to fulfill their needs or to be there for them, with a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on.

Even while all of this is happening - you've let fear creep in - because you find yourself hesitating from making your next move. You lie in wait - for a sign, for a stronger response, for acknowledgement and acceptance, for requital of one's love - until you decide that it's safe to put your heart on the line again.

You get stuck in the predictable, comfort zone of "this is as good, as it's going to get" and you accept it, even when your heart wants more and is ready to risk a beating, to get what it wants.

Your head tells you to stay in the same spot - to keep things placid and calm. Learn to have no expectations and you will not be disappointed. You convince yourself that it's not that bad, being where you are - even when your heart disagrees.

It's contentment with repressed misery, really - usually put up as a display for friends and strangers, who we feel would be happier, seeing us happy.

It's one thing when you don't realize that it's happening to you - most people in this world get by by an overriding belief in their own minds and logic, without ever considering the fact that the mind is too often a willing accomplice to console us, from our hidden fears and disappointments. Many things (both good and bad) make sense to us, when we persuade ourselves that this is the way things are meant to be.

They don't realize that it's happening to them - as they continually shift their perspective each time, to suit their changing landscape of circumstances.

They will take different "lessons" home, because experience to them, means never having to admit temporary failure, fear, guilt or misfortune or even involving a degree of self-introspection, that one could be wrong. It's reality packaged to your wants and expectations, in your mind. Just like most sitcoms - it's meant to have a happy ending.

And then there are some of us - who recognize fear, for what it is. And who have, in the past and in many aspects of their lives - strived, fought and refused to bow down to fear.

Yet, in all awareness, finding ourselves unable to take the next step, in love - because we're afraid of getting hurt - again.

Finding this unfamiliar crippling fear, weaving itself into the logic and treasure trove of experience - that has the tendency of shielding us from the "bad" and "risky" things. (Even we though we know full well, that no one has experienced the great rewards, without taking the necessary risks in life)

Cutting down our patience and tolerance for trying - because we've convinced ourselves that it will probably not work. Never giving anything time to develop, never letting anything grow into something deeper and more meaningful - despite the fact, that there's nothing that the heart wants more.

Perhaps, there is a finite limit to the human will to withstand emotional pain and disappointments, before it breaks and scurries off like a frightened squirrel. Perhaps, even the most sanguine and determined risk-takers of us in love, will eventually find a threshold, where fear imposingly confronts desire.

I recognize you, Fear - and I know what you're doing to me. And for the while, subconsciously, your presence cripples me. I'm not quite sure what to do about you.

But make no mistake - the heart is a resilient thing, given time, faith and even a smattering of love reciprocated from people that we love. It builds, it grows, it nurtures - and yes, it does overcome our fears.

I shall overcome you, Fear. Maybe not now, maybe one day. But I know you're there - and God willing, I shall overcome you.

Leaping Cats,...

2007-02-14T01:16:00.000-08:00

....is on the front cover of the card.

It was given to me more than 2 years ago, by someone who was very special to me at that time. She bought it, because the card reminded her of me.

It's funny what you stumble on to, when you're doing your house spring cleaning.

In the card, was handwritten the lovely words of Henry Drummond, which she had quoted, to express how happy, blissful and alive (her words, not mine) I'd made her life. It went something like this:

"You will find as you look back upon your life, that the moments when you have really lived, are the moments when you have done things in the spirit of love".

Old cards from former lovers are strange that way - you remember the feeling of how good and sweet it was - but in an almost detached manner, like a 3rd party outside looking in, at someone else's life.

Maybe because the words use to mean everything and it's truly felt by lover saying it.

But after so much time was spent overcoming the grief of loss of lost love, the bittersweet memories evoked by old cards and gifts, become like early morning sunrays on your face - you still feel the warmth but it doesn't burn you, anymore.

Such is God's miracle of a human being - we hold within us a deep capacity to give, to love, to forgive and to forget - whether in sequence or simultaneously.

And sometimes, God gives us the capacity to remember with fondness, to be thankful that there was a chunk of time where the absolute bliss of being in love and being loved in return, is truly one of the occasional blessings in one's life. And to not hurt anymore, when one looks back on what was lost and of promises broken.

Some people have never even been there. I've almost died with grief several times from it - but I've also been unafraid and lucky enough to know what the feeling is like, several times with several different lovers.

Leaping cats. I'd never trade-in the experience for anything else in life.

***************************************

Happy Valentine's Day to all. :)

It's slightly more meaningful this year for me, even without a romantic partner - because I've learnt that it could also be about the joy of giving to the people you love and seeing their happiness in receiving it.

It's about being there in the moments that count (as one close friend has pointed out in the last few days) and the love you have for your loved ones - God, friends, family, colleagues, society - or even loving oneself.

It could also be about being considerate and doing the right thing, at the right time - giving people what they need, as opposed to what you would want, from them.

It doesn't have to be a twosome, romantic or reciprocal. It just has to be sincere and from the heart.

I must be getting older - because even while some important questions remain unanswered, life is beginning to make a lot more sense and I seem to worry less about what's coming (or not coming). I'm enjoying the journey more than the outcome. I'm in a good place in my life, right now.

I just do my best (without compromise, retreat or surrender) in the moment that I'm blessed with and strive not to give in to my fears, come what may.

Perhaps, this is the way I've learnt to love life.

Days of Loss and Sadness

2007-02-08T12:38:00.000-08:00

It seems like these days, the people in my generation have reached that sad stage in their lives, where they are beginning to experience the loss of one or both parents. :(

It's truly a sobering experience, which I sometimes wish we would not have to go through. Nothing is as irreplaceable as our parents.

Last night, 2 dear friends - Johan and Aisyah - lost their father to a heart attack. (Updated correction: He passed away due to haemorrhaging dengue, suffered a few days after a successful heart bypass operation) My deepest sympathies and heartfelt condolences to both of you and your family, on your great loss. :( I wish for both of you, strength and patience, in these saddest of times.

It's little consolation, I know - but I always believe that our parents live forever in us - in our memories, accompanying our prayers, in the next generation, in the things they've taught us and the good values which they cherished and that we continue to uphold, even long after they're gone.

And sometimes, the loss of one parent - makes our effort in loving the remaining one, even more. I've been there too.

To Joe and Aisyah - may your father's soul find the greatest of blessings, in the next life. Al-Fatihah.

When All Sides Look The Same

2007-02-05T20:51:00.000-08:00

A friend pointed out the other day that there is no difference between the political parties in Malaysia - be it on the Government or the Opposition side.

They carry different labels and claim to sell different "products" - but they all seem to show the same capacity for blatant economic and business corruption, once in power.

Principles is something they hold up for the public to see - but at the end of the day, it's the pragmatism that brings them to power, that makes them indeliberately united and consistent in method, intent and outcome.

And far worse, he noted that even the current generation has been co-opted into the system - no one fights the necessary fight anymore - many are content to play on the fringe and leave the larger problem for someone else to solve.

The question is: when even the best in one's generation shies away from the necessary fight, who else is left to fight the rot that we inherit, from the sins of our elders?

Having been on both sides of the political fence before, he seemed distressed that Malaysia not only lacks an alternative side, but also a generation with an alternative behavioural alignment that could usher in a new age of politics in Malaysia - everyone's stuck in the entrenched mould that has been built for this country, either racially, historically, socially or culturally.

Everywhere he turns, the political leaders of all colours, all look and act the same.

I had no answers to his ponderings.

I began to question whether the expectations that we once had in our youth, we're too unrealistic in the world of Malaysian realpolitik. Malaysia seems like a house infested with termites - the stucture is quietly being eroded and eaten away, without anyone noticing - and it will lead to a surprisingly quiet collapse.

Will we end up a basketcase country one day, because everyone has kept silent and done nothing to stop the rot?

As the old saying goes: "For evil to win, good men only have to do nothing".

It's not enough for us, to do no evil to hurt others. Evil has to be fought, even when they hurt others, other than ourselves. And it is common sense, that if corruption is allowed to fester within one's society - sooner or later, you will find it visiting your doorstep. Even when you leave it alone - it may not leave you alone.

And if you see that there is no other in your generation that is leading the charge against evil - it may be because it is your place and responsibility to be leading the charge.

The mantle of responsibility falls not sometimes, on those who are most willing and capable amongst us - but the reluctant ones with the most courage and determination to fight the good fight. Those who are not afraid to lose everything, for the sake of something that's right.

God knows better, I guess.

But do we have a choice but to fight, no matter how small and outnumbered the number of good incorruptible people, within the system?

As life is not eternal, why bother, some of us, say? But to answer it, you have to know and understand the importance of the question, I think.

Short snippets again,.....

2007-02-05T02:49:00.000-08:00

From the movie "The Last Kiss", was a memorable line from Tom Wilkinson's character, on the issue of love:-

"What you feel, only matters to you. It's what you do, to the people you say you love - that's what matters. It's the only thing that counts".

Ponder upon that for a while - you'll be surprised at how many people that will fail that test.

I loved this movie. It's brutally honest and does not try to sugarcoat or simplify complex issues of the fallibility of human nature, family and relationships. It's not judgemental yet it desists from being amoral. It doesn't promise a happy ending, but it offers to hope to those willing to confront their demons.

It's just plain good storytelling, really.

And somebody please give me a wife like the lovely, luscious and talented Jacinda Barrett. She's hot!!

**************************************

Dibawah awan mendung dan hujan renyai sayu;
Disebalik nyaring nan bising ributan kosmpolitan
yang menghanyutkan seribu sibuk tugasan dan kejaran
manusia;
Didalam kamar samar cahaya yang hening,
membaluti jiwa geronggang;
Didalam minda yang serabut buta,
penuh persoalan tanpa selesai;

Pelita hatiku untukmu tetap menyala terang,
tanpa berserah,
tanpa sempadan yang dapat kucapai.

Karya:
Stingray
5 Februari 2007

Malaysia: A Nation In Waiting?

2007-01-12T12:54:00.000-08:00

All great nations grow from hard lessons in history.

I attended a talk on the NEP recently, organized by Youth for Change (Y4C) which hosted 2 panelists - the economic historian Dr Lim Teck Ghee and the Parti Keadilan Rakyat treasurer, Tan Sri Khalid Ibrahim.

As I observed the dynamics between the speakers, the discussants and the (generally urban, middle-class and above and educated) audience within the Bar Council Auditorium - it occured to me just how far away we are, from being a nation, despite being an independent country, for almost 50 years.

It seems like the races in Malaysia are constantly talking at each other, than to each other.

And my conclusion remains the same: no lesson will be learnt and no progress will be made via rational dialogue and persuasion here - because there is still so much social distrust between the races and many differing orientations and interpretations of what this country should be, by so many.

And everyone - be they liberal, conservative, religious fanatic or insular racial bigot - think that they have the correct perspective of what this country should be. And unfortunately, almost everyone communicates it in an insensitive way that's corrosive to the trust that they need to build with each other - in order to move forward.

Perhaps, it's too difficult to come to a singular aim, definition or perspective - whatever you may say about Vision 2020 - hardly anyone is walking the talk. And sometimes, even those who talk about national unity - hardly realize that their actions are corroding the trust between the races - a necessary ingredient in racial integration.

Perhaps, the only way that Malaysians will learn to narrow down the perimeters and at least, not to tear apart from each other, is if we to pay the consequences for our denial and apathy or maybe, some of our unreasonable demands and resistance to change.

The hard lesson that Malaysia will learn will not be catalysed by greater inter-racial understanding - it will be catalysed by an economic regression, led by the loss of Malaysia's growth and competitiveness in a globalized world.

When the majority of Malaysians will come to understand that we are being surpassed and left behind by many other advancing and maturing developing countries and that the Government is truly incapable of keeping at bay, the dogs of poverty, political corruption, rising living costs and inflation - perhaps then, the pride of our leaders will pave the way for a fundamental rethink and the necessary courage to lead all Malaysians (and Malaysia) into a new direction.

A direction that shows us that the competition is not between us here, in Malaysia - it's with the rest of the world, out there. There is no merit in fighting over the crumbs of shrinking domestic wealth between the races, in today's globalized world. The true measure of wealth, economic progress and competitiveness is out there, not in Malaysia.

Although it will be a sad day indeed, if what it takes for Malaysians to be race-blind and to begin thinking as nation - is for all of us, to be inadvertantly driven to be equally economically poor, as one another.

There is no point in being equal, at the cost of our collective detriment, in the long run. There is absolutely no virtue in being equally poor, in an economically regressive country.

But that's probably what it takes for change to happen in a country, where the leaders and its people are in constant denial and hanging on to a worldview that was shaped to correct past historical injustices - you have to pay the ultimate price, before you choose to wake up to the unforgiving reality, before us.

History rarely rewards countries with good intentions alone, but is politically immature, culturally tolerant of corruption, administratively paralysed and gradually becoming economically regressive.

When you keep your eyes firmly on the past, you are bound to trip and fall in your march to the future. Maybe if your leg starts bleeding, you will learn to keep your view strictly on the path, in front of you.

Whatever you do, my advice is - don't keep all your eggs in one basket.

Malaysia (and the majority of Malaysians) will willy-nilly take its time to learn this lesson - but most of us whom already know what's coming - should not. Prepare yourself for a soft landing and save your families.

And when the time and realization comes and the necessary lessons have been learnt the hard way - come help Malaysia rebuild again, on correct, better and stronger foundations, in forging a Malaysian nation that has the capacity to move forward - together.

Patchwork: Step-Families In Motion/Regrets over Bapak

2007-01-10T17:47:00.000-08:00

Stepmother. Stepfather. Step-siblings. All these words conjure up different images and feelings in different people.

Many families have never experienced it. Many have and the stories are bound not to be the same. They are as diverse as the range and complexity of human behaviour itself.

Children's fairy tales have, fairly or unfairly, damaged the perception of stepmothers - no thanks to Cinderella and Snow White, especially. Many Malay movies make stepmothers seem like scheming women that hates her stepchildren and is out to clean out the family fortune. Some movies have made out stepfathers to be mad men, capable of not only harming the family members, but also the general public.

What is it about step-families that makes societal perception (and sometimes, our own reactions) less than neutral towards it?

Maybe, it's the belief or generalization that someone who is not blood-related to the children could never care for them, as much as the real parents do (although there are ample examples, where this is patently untrue)

Maybe because in the hearts of children and young adults (or sometimes, old ones for that matter), there is only a place for one set of parents - their natural father and mother - and everyone else is an inevitable addition that "they have to tolerate".

And this social recognition (which affects the degree of closeness in relationships) exceeds all situational circumstances - assuming that no utter parental neglect happens, the ties survive the damage and wreckage of broken families - and sometimes, even the death of one parent.

****************************************

Something happened a few days ago, that made me reflect really hard on how badly I had treated my own stepfather, Bapak - in my younger days.

His marriage to my mother (5 years after my late father had passed away) I felt, was intrusive. It didn't help that my late Mum did not handle the situation very delicately.

It started out horribly enough.

I got to know that they were getting married from a close and respected family friend of my mother's - about a month before they actually did. They had been dating for 6 months (a period which in which I'd noticed that Mum was noticeably happier, though more frequently absent from the house). I had met him a total of 3 times, before they were married.

Through a bit of divine intervention in a dream which involved my late father in it - I reluctantly allowed my mother to marry this stranger. I remember the chronic fear I had of losing any residual attention that I had left, from her - Mum and I were never close and she never displayed any affection, so I found myself chasing her attention - in both good and bad ways.

Having good grades helped. And being a rebel helped, too - by the time I was 15, I fought for a life without a curfew. She relented, unable to contain my anger, resentment and rebellion at her marriage.

Even though it had been 5 years since my late father had passed away, I still felt that it was too soon to leave his memory behind. I felt that the whole family seems to have obliviously moved on - as I spent almost every weekend for 5 years, visiting his grave and holding the memory of his life, intact.

But let's get back to Bapak - my stepfather.

I hardly spoke to him in the first 2 years and I didn't give him any respect, unless it was openly demanded by my mother, from time to time. It wasn't until he came to watch the first (and only) under-18 bowling tournament which I won in November 1989 - did I appreciate him enough, to give him his due respect. (Note: He was the only family member that ever attended any of my prize-givings and there were many, believe me)

But I still strongly withheld my affection - and that was strange - considering that I grew up on the love of friends and strangers.

Thereafter, I was at best - respectful and cordial to Bapak. But I still found myself mentioning my late father, frequently - as if to remind him that although he may be my mother's husband, but there was no space for an alternative father figure in my life. And that he would never be good enough a substitute - and I signalled from my reactions, that he should not even try.

My late father was an immortal in my mind - perfect and untouchable. He passed on, before he could make any mistakes which would make him seem less than superhuman, in my eyes - and as I later found out, after my Mum's passing - she had kept the image I had of my father in my mind, unblemished - despite the truth.

Up until I was in my mid-20's, I had, consciously or unconsciously, still introduced Bapak to my friends, as "my stepfather". I'm sure that I knew that this would hurt him, but I just felt that it was the right and "truthful" thing to do. I was not his son and I didn't want anyone to forget the great man, my father was.

But Bapak is an examplary man.

He was a gentleman and kind-natured, he had a good sense of humour, he cooked, he did his own laundry, he was disciplined and athletic for his age, he worked hard, he read widely, he was an avid golfer, he cut a rather handsome figure (my Mum had excellent taste in men) and most of all, he never let his ego get in the way of loving my mother, wholeheartedly. Whatever the emotional cost - he was willing to absorb it quietly.

He adored her - as difficult as she was and could be.

He moved in into the family house my father built, after his marriage to Mum - even though he had his own bungalow in Shah Alam and even though he knew that certain sections of Malay society would frown at my mother calling the shots on where to stay. Apparently, it was one of the pre-conditions of their marriage and he sacrificed his ego, in order to be with her.

And most of all - he had to tolerate me, all throughout those years.

My own marriage (and eventual long-awaited maturity) changed all that. I felt that it was a good starting point to start afresh with my own family. I started kissing his hand out of love, more than respect and I introduced him, without flinching, as "my father". I remember the first time I said that to a friend - he seemed visibly moved. I remember apologizing to him, for all the things I had put him through, over the years - drowning in remorse.

The years of my marriage and divorce, the year when we weathered Mum's cancer, brought us far closer. His love for her, knew no bounds - she was lucky to have him.

And yes, now - even though he's not in touch anymore after his recent marriage to his new wife - I still think of him as my father - the second father, I was blessed to have.

On hindsight - I wish I had matured earlier, to appreciate the love he had to give. My insecurities over my mother's attention and of people forgetting my late father - for a long time, it clouded my judgement, over the blessing that was at my disposal.

And yes, that comes with much regret. Regret, at the way I treated him. Regret, over the many "lost years". Regret over possibilities that were never attempted.

Regret, that's a little too late.

*************************************************

Step-families are not perfect and usually, more than slightly uncomfortable. It's a patchwork - sometimes, you cover the gaps that are there and all things turn out well.

But sometimes, it's an awkward and painful "paste-over" - you're trying to fill gaps, where there are none - where the real parents to your stepchildren are still alive. Or worse, like in my case - dead and immortalized in memory.

You will always be a stranger outside of the family, even if you're a close one. The door to "being family", is acceptance of what is given and the space which they allow you to be what you'd like to be. And this will take time, depending on the circumstances.

Children and teenagers don't always manage this well - and who can blame them, really? It's too hard to make sense of the how's and why's of wilful adults, sometimes. And hence, they react from the place they know best - from their heart. It's honest and unconflicted - it's the last and only place where they can be, who they need to be.

Would I have the strength to go through what Bapak did? And go through the equivalent of me, when I was younger?

I honestly don't know. I know that I don't relish the thought of facing such a rejection. And maybe what I need as a parent, exceeds what I would accept as a husband.

I don't know. But I know this - if I could take back all the mean things I had said and done to Bapak in the past, I definitely would. Twice over.

Freud, Family and A Misplaced Sense of Obligation

2007-01-03T11:04:00.000-08:00

I think it was Freud that once said that "All happy families are the same, every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way".

Something made me reflect on this statement last night. For most of us, family is the place within which the foundations of our self-esteem (and self-acceptance) are built on. "The child is the father of the man" I think Freud also used to say.

It would not be an over-statement to say that much of what happens to us in childhood, defines who we are as adults and the role we play in future relationships.

And unless we have the opportunity to come to terms with some of these issues that plague us from childhood - it remains as part of our psyche and shapes our outlook, our reactions and our sense of right and wrong.

Some of us get to deal with it and it makes them stronger people - although to some, it may seem that they're emotionally colder.

Some of us never find the opportunity, strength or conscience to deal with it and live with it - eternally emotionally hobbed by the scars of having to be premature adults, due to family elders that probably always tried their best but were never strong enough, to be good enough.

Freud was right - every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way. We play the cards that we are dealt with in life.

There is no one rule for right and wrong, when it comes to family - perhaps, the closest one that we can find, is when the lines of right and wrong, of what is proper and improper, are blurred - due to the love (and sometimes, an overriding sense of obligation)that we feel for our loved ones.

*********************************************

There are a few truisms that I have personally discovered in my short 33-year journey in life.

One is, if you have great idealistic expectations of family members who have never tried half as hard as you have, to do what's right - you will be severely disappointed.

Secondly, when you are disappointed with how much they have fallen short of your expectations - forgive them for the people they are, but stop yourself from being the self-appointed martyr that tries to make all things right.

For you will eventually die, but without the due recognition that martyrs deserve for their efforts. Most of the time, you will simply be misunderstood and regarded as "the odd one" fighting the tide in the family and simply not street-smart enough to be sufficiently selfish and to pass the buck.

Thirdly, whatever your good intentions in compensating for the deficiencies of family members and loved ones - don't let yourself become bitter about it and don't lose perspective and the "big picture" of how it affects you (and possibly, other people unrelated to your family) in the future.

You risk being unfair to the people you love and care about - and you risk being unfair to yourself too, in the long run.

You risk not understanding yourself sufficiently (if you don't think hard enough about who you are and who you can be) and you seem to roll on, from one mistake to the next, in an endless vicious cycle of being victimized - or sometimes, by force of habit - self-victimization.

Consciously or unsconsciously, our fears and expectations get carried on to the next generation - seeding their own set of fears and expectations. It's funny how as parents, we love to take the credit for the success of our children - but never or hardly take the blame for their shortcomings - or sometimes, even our own.

***************************************

I'd like to think that in my life, I've managed to escape many of the horrible things that my family have (deliberately or indeliberately) tried to impose on me - albeit with good intentions.

Much of this escape, I owe to the kindness of friends and strangers - people whom I have met along the way and who deemed me worthy of their love and respect, as I was growing up.

I dare say that whatever dose of healthy self-esteem that I have, came on the shoulders and hugs of lovers, friends and strangers - and not family. Of course, I could spend time mulling over that - but I choose to be grateful instead, for the kindness of others.

But there were two things that I did not manage to escape from - first, the self-imposed obligation I felt to marry the sort of girl that Mum expected me to and secondly, the self-imposed need I felt to play my "role" as a respectful younger brother who would have to sacrifice his own interests, to honour and fulfill his obligations to his elders and other family members.

I've carried both of these obligations since I was much younger in life - due to earlier grief, circumstances and expectations that had nothing to do with me - but which I felt was my due, to compensate for any shortfall.

It became my ordained "role" in this family - I began to believe, that as the family member who had more clarity and a stronger sense of obligation - that this was the part I was meant to play - this was why, I was born into this particular family. It became my "self-image" in the family - the kid that makes up for everyone else's shortfall to keep Mum (and sometimes, not very intelligent elder siblings) happy.

And both these self-imposed familial obligations have probably brought about the 2 biggest regrets and outcomes in my life. I've had to learn the lessons the hard way - it has previously brought about a divorce and my mother's broken heart, a near financial ruin and the almost-severing of ties, with one of my siblings.

It was a heavy price to pay, not only for myself - but for so many others that I've loved and cared for.

And some of them are purely innocent parties - but have had the tragedy of having to witness and experience first-hand the trauma and ugliness of the people I call, family members. I remember my ex-wife once exasperatedly asking: "What's wrong with your family?" - a question which I had no answers to. You can't choose your parents or your siblings.

Yes, I know better now - but then, for the sake of all who have been hurt - I wish I had known sooner and without having had to make some of the huge mistakes that I did.

*************************************

There's an old Malay saying: "Buat baik berpada-pada, buat jahat jangan sekali".

And nowhere is the context more true, I feel, than those who are trying to compensate for the handicap and deficiencies of a family unit.

It is best to know one's limit in "compensating", lest one compromises one's own sanity and good judgement. The real measure of love, is to first do no harm or evil, whether consciously or unconsciously.

When you've grown up in a complex family where adults are not quite the adults they're supposed to be and where you're trying to play the adult that they should be - you have to be extra-resilient and possess a strong mental and emotional clarity to survive - and to avoid side-effects on your character.

Or believe me - in the long-run, it will break you as a person. And others who depend on you, like your children. Or worse still, it will impair your sense of judgement on on issues and your general perspective of the world.

No one or nothing will ever seem good enough to you - because sometimes, we expect the river of kindness from souls, who are as dry as the desert. And what's worse, you will miss out on the many great things and people in life - people with values more aligned to your own and who can provide the things that you seek, in abundance.

God is ultimately fair - but the proportions of His fairness are never provided in quite the same way, as we mere mortals would perceive it.

Take a wider look at all His blessings and you will realize that even if you can't choose who your family members are - but sometimes, you are blessed with enough faculties and opportunities, to excel in life and love and to do what you need to do with family members - if you can find the strength for it.

But if you don't find the strength to overcome it, in measured balance - have no doubt that it will plague and destroy many of the good things that come your way, in your life. Where you can only accept the love you have to fight (fairly or unfairly) for and never the love that you deserve.

It will make you bitter and it will draw up in your mind, the unfairness of Life. Sooner or later, it may drown out any sense of gratefulness you may have - leaving you jaded, albeit in a half-blessed environment.

******************************************

For some of you reading this - you may be able to relate, perhaps due to your own unique circumstances in your family. And my advice to you is the same: "Buat baik berpada-pada, buat jahat jangan sekali"

Have the good intentions - any child or sibling should.

But don't always be the one to pick up on the crumbs and failings of other family members - sometimes, the only way to be a true adult is to turn others into adults and not to be a permanent crutch to their self-imposed handicap and deficiencies.

Sometimes, the only way to protect them from themselves - is to let them feel the full force and consequence of their actions.

People can only change through awareness, mistakes and adversity - depriving them of that shifts the shared responsibility of doing what's right, from them to you. Realize that in the general scheme of things - people are not born noble and just, even if they are blood-related to you.

Outward professions of familial love mean nothing, unless family members can shoulder their responsibilities as adults, when they're supposed to. Blood may be thicker than water, but good character and values, are much purer and stronger than blood. After all, the sincerity of love is not defined by family lines and boundaries.

Good luck to all of you and your families. Yes, you're right - you were meant to be here - but what you choose to do, is your choice and yours alone. And believe me, as difficult as it may seem - there is always a choice, even if they be hard ones or the ones that you can't yet open your heart and mind to.

But eventually, you must confront the problem, or it will confront you - perhaps, with far more damaging consequences. Bad families are like dread diseases like cancer and heart disease - you can't cure it on painkillers, alone.

First Preference, First Priority

2006-12-27T11:40:00.000-08:00

It has probably been too long, since I last felt like the first preference and first priority to a girl that I really liked.

Or maybe it just feels that way - partly because of circumstances, partly because of how I feel I'm treated and partly, because of how I feel about the other party.

I don't know where this particular relationship is going yet - and perhaps, I don't care to know for now - but I know that I like the way I'm treated.

And I know I like the way that for once, I don't have to fight off a first preference/priority 3rd party, an emotional hang-up, a quiet desperation to move on with my life or a huge ego that knows not how to give or with some others, forgive.

She's sweet and very attractive in an uncommon way - and I could SO see myself going out with someone like this.

And at least, for now - she makes me feel like I'm worth it. With full honesty and effort. No sharing, no confusion, no being taken for granted, no insecurity, no games and no feeling obligated to marry someone else - this time, it's just me that's priority in the other person's eyes.

And God knows that I need to feel this way - being a professional 2nd choice to the people you love, can do funny things to your self-esteem and confidence and adversely affect, how you look at yourself.

She's so different from me, in so many ways - but yet so uncomplicated and uncomplicating. Which is normal to most people, I guess - but can be considered an aberration for me, considering the complexity of the people I've fallen for in the last 2 years.

But I do like where I am right now.

Perhaps, the destination is less clear (and maybe for once, it should be that way) but it's obvious that the journey, no matter how gradual, is at least, heading somewhere and going forward.

And I'm enjoying the moment of being first preference, first priority - in her eyes. I like the way she makes me feel wanted.

Reciprocity in a relationship, is something that should be natural and instinctive, without having to ask or having to work so hard, at it.

(Perhaps, it's a sign of the times we live in, how most people are so much more thoughtful in words, than deeds, nowadays. Push comes to shove - they're unable to deliver in the moments that count)

I used to remember what this was like - and if I don't, it's about time for a refresher course. I don't always have to make complexity a partner, in my life's journey.

Sometimes, there has to be a balance between what you want - and what you know you deserve. Go with the heart, by all means, if you have to - but over time, learn to make better choices in your life.

All mistakes have a familiar pattern - and if your head does not point it out to you, at first - your heart eventually will. And you will learn to recognize mistakes - faster than you did, previously. Thank God, for the limits on patience - people would be fools without it.

If all we can really be certain and assured of, are moments in our lives - then we really ought to learn to live better, in each of these moments - because life shouldn't have to be so difficult, really.

Keep it simple, stupid - that sentence resonates in me, like never before.

Maybe you can teach an old dog, a new trick, huh?

Where Have Our Dreams Gone?

2006-12-19T08:59:00.000-08:00

3 years ago, the Prince and I were a core part of a team that created a small ripple of a revolution in technology funding.

It was exciting - we were given free hand to shape the national program, to recruit the best and most passionate of people and to go at the speed which would make the private sector proud.

We were the first technology fund in the country to build on the idea of industry linkages and to begin to walk the talk on building an innovation ecosystem, brick by brick.

We publicized the fund on radio (it was a cool ad!) and through other forms of media and for a moment, it captured the imagination of the industry. The team was great - passionate, dedicated and cohesive - well, at least most of them were.

Budding technology entrepreneurs were excited and encouraged by our speed, processes and unconventional methods in creating value for the entrepreneurs. The buzz and enthusiasm of entrepreneurs were inspiring.

It was meant to be much more than it is, right now - much, much more.

But as fate would have it, we never had the opportunity to take the program, to its original intent.

The vultures swooped in and took control of it and tried to destroy it, by changing the nature of the program. I departed in protest.

And it took over a year of active lobbying and campaigning from the outside to extract the "poison" out from the system - only to have another one in his wake, replacing him. The Company seems to have a tendency of breeding monsters from within - and like the stench of toxic waste site, it never seems to go away.

But I kept the faith - even as the people in the program were bullied and mistreated from the inside and the program dwindled to a mere shadow of what it used to be.

It's heartbreaking to see something that you helped create, diminish - but I consoled myself by thinking that for as long as we don't give up on the program and keep our faith - one day it will bounce back, to its former glory.

I've waited patiently for 2 years - and aside from the fact that the program is not dead - nothing else has happened. It seems to be dead, but no one has noticed.

***********************************

The Prince and I have disagreed, many, many times before. This is because in The NGO - I'm perhaps one of the few people who do not hesitate in disagreeing with him when I think he's wrong. Even if he is the President.

And perhaps - that's the reason he still values my opinion on things.

But our most recent disagreement left me, a little crestfallen.

From the tone of his voice and from the way he said things - it was clear to me and the others, that he wanted me to give up on my hope and crusade of saving the program.

We couldn't even agree on the cause of the downfall of the program - he seems to think that it arises from a lack of leadership at the top of the team - while I felt that problem was bigger than that - the program was suffering from a reluctant "parent" that was intent on committing infanticide.

Maybe after 2 years - he's just tired of my urging and ranting that as the NGO that created the fund - we have to observe the trust (amanah) given to us, to fulfill the fund's original objectives. Maybe he's thrown in the towel.

But in not so many words - that's what he implied to me. Give up on the program and let go.

It came as a shock to me - I never expected a co-founder that gave birth to the program to give up on it - especially not, The Prince. Many times in the past, he was the one that taught me never to give up.

I remember one SMS that he sent me before my voluntary retirement from the NGO, that I still keep till today - where he said:

"Well, as leaders, we don't have the luxury to give up,...whether we're busy or frustrated. We are all humans and we've all got our own frustrations.

But we are not showing a good example if we give up.

A lot of people are relying on us, brother. We are not talking about you and me, but a lot of others who have a dream and who see us as hope for a new change".

Where is the great man that sent me this SMS?

*******************************************

Even though I felt guilty about retiring from the NGO, but I was "burnt out" - 4 whole years of national service had taken its toll on me and I had seen a lot more of the Malaysian system of Government, than I would care to discover.

I used to believe that the Government was ill-informed and that with better data from the people on the ground - policymaking and implementation would be much improved.

I found out that they're not uninformed about the situation - but just simply unmoved by facts and situations - and this is true of the highest levels (up from the PM's Office and the upper echelons of Bank Negara) to the lowest levels. Inertia seems to be the key word here - almost everyone is afraid of sticking their necks out, on important issues.

What is the point of whistle-blowing on corruption and abuse of power in Government and GLCs - if the powers-that-be simply turn a deaf ear?

***************************************

But back to The Prince. Yes - I think he implied that I should give up on the program that we built up together. As if all hope is lost.

Perhaps, he thinks that reviving it to its former state, has become an impossibility. Maybe he's tired of battling bureaucrats and would like to deal with things that are not so difficult "to move".

And who can blame him? - Malaysia's a political and bureaucratic nightmare - things usually cannot be fixed or corrected. It seems that the only way to avert disasters, is to not make a mistake and let things go to ruin, in the first place.

I don't know, it's unfair for me to speculate on what The Prince felt - but I felt that the signal was clear. And I think so did the others at that meeting too. I saw their hesitance in arguing with The Prince on this issue, even when I could see it in their eyes, that they agreed with me.

I think I'm now alone on this issue. It only took 2 years - and it seems that everyone else has stopped believing in the program. Everyone except this solitary dog, that's barking away alone.

Maybe the word impossible has crept into their dictionary. Words which did not exist in 2003, when we raised RM100 million together, from the Government - when no one thought we would have succceeded in doing so.

But hell, we showed them - and more. Life seems to be much simpler when the odds are impossibly stacked against you - how ironic.

Up to this day, in its 6 years of existence, the program is still the NGO's most significant achievement and tangible contribution to our industry - but many seem to have forgotten this.

Imitation is the best form of flattery, they say - and after our program, 2 other government funding programs has been modelled along the same lines, as the program. People liked what we did - they believed in it.

And I hope for the industry's sake, I hope that the imitations will be better than what the original has become - and maybe, even better than what the original was intended to be. One can dream, right?

But today, I'm afraid that I may be the sole custodian left, of our collective dreams of yesterday.

It's true what Dr Martin Luther King said: "At the end of the day, it is not the roar of our enemies that we fear, it is the silence of our friends".

And if I might add to Dr King's wise words - "and the courage lost, from the abandonment of our collective dreams"

Think The Opposite

2006-12-08T14:03:00.000-08:00

These excerpts are taken from a book by the enigmatic Paul Arden - interesting and inspiring points of view.

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In 1975, the Czech artist and animator Jan Svankmajer had his work suppressed by the communists.

Had he the wrong point of view?

Or was it the right point of view seen by the wrong people?

Today, he is a national treasure.

Is he now right and they were wrong? Or is he still wrong and they were right?

It is exactly the same work, but seen from different point of view.

The prevailing one being what the majority think.

People are like sheep: they follow the leader. It is the leader who has a point of view about which way they should go.

Having an original point of view is a novelty.

Recognizing its value is intelligent.

Having the courage to stand up for it in the face of public opinion, is what makes you a winner.

**********************************

Everyone wants an exciting life, but most people are afraid to take the bull by the horns.

So they take an easy option for an exciting life.

They live their excitement through other people.

By aligning themselves with famous rebels, a little bit of glamour rubs off on them. They imagine they're like John Lennon, Ernest Hemingway, George Best, Liam Gallagher, Lenny Bruce, Janis Joplin, Damien Hirst, Andy Warhol, etc.

The difference being, these people when faced with a decision took the outrageous one, not knowing where it might lead them, but knowing that the safe decision had danger written all over it.

*********************************

The corporate non-risk taker rises fast on the freshness of youth; an open mind, a pleasant demeanour and good looks will accelerate his rise.

His superiors are pleased to promote him since it reflects well on them.

The candidate reaches a platform of responsibility, not something to be treated lightly.

After all he is now a manager, albeit a junior one.

His salary rises in accordance with status, not ability, and he reaches board level.

It is now time to appoint a joint or deputy managing director. Our man is considered to be a good company man, but he is a bit dull. He doesn't produce innovation: he doesn't do anything for the image of the company.

There's a very good young man in his department earning a third of his salary, who younger members of staff respond to.

Our man at forty is moved sideways, and at forty-seven, he is out.

He didn't reach the top of the ladder, he has fallen and there is no climbing back.

He's finished, yet he has done nothing wrong.

That is the problem.

He has done nothing wrong.

**********************************

"It's the goal of every Englishman to get to his grave unembarrassed" - John Cleese, actor

Off The EDGE - Tan Sri Khalid Ibrahim's Interview

2006-12-07T01:16:00.000-08:00

If there were more able people like Tan Sri Khalid Ibrahim in the Opposition, the current Government would have very good reason to worry.

Tan Sri Khalid Ibrahim is currently, the Treasurer for the Anwar Ibrahim-led Parti Keadilan Rakyat.

His recent interview in the December edition of the magazine "Off The EDGE" explored his thoughts on many issues economic and political, with some very strong views on UMNO and the perversion of the NEP, by its implementors.

For those not in the know, Tan Sri Khalid Ibrahim was one of the most illustrious and prominent Malaysian corporate figures in the Malaysia. He led the infamous "dawn raid" the London Stock Exchange on Guthrie in 1981 winning 51% of the company for Permodalan Nasional Berhad (PNB) in less than 2 hours after the bourse had opened for business.

He once served in PNB under the disciplined and stoic Tun Ismail Ali - arguably, one of the few prominent Malays with fearless integrity, that the country has ever seen.

He was at one time the CEO of PNB and Guthrie and is also a minority shareholder in Guthrie. He was responsible for administering arguably, some of the the most successful corporate equity distribution and investment programs for Bumiputra individuals, namely Amanah Saham Nasional (ASN) and Amanah Saham Bumiputra (ASB).

As part of PNB, he was a key part in the implementation of the objectives of the NEP, under the Barisan Government - for at least, 20+ years.

Therefore, it came as a great surprise to many when Tan Sri Khalid joined Keadilan and spoke frankly against what he perceived as the distortion of the objectives of the NEP, by the leading party in the Barisan coalition, UMNO. He has even called for a scrapping of the NEP and to be replaced by an entirely new socio-economic restructuring program (perhaps, Keadilan's not-very-widely publicized and proposed New Economic Agenda)

But because historically, he is who he is (and even if you don't think our Opposition is a viable one, like I do) - his views deserve the attention of all Malaysians who are concerned about where this country is heading.

I would recommend that everyone get a copy of "Off The EDGE" from your local big bookstore but for the benefit of all Mimpi Pari readers - I shall reproduce some extracts of his interview with "Off The EDGE" below.

************************************************

On the NEP:

"What I don't accept is the way NEP was vulgarised in terms of implementation. At the end of the day, I was a player for 30 years and having looked at the end-result of it, the NEP pleases some,. but so many feel so strongly against it.

Let me explain. There are Malays that have benefited from the NEP, but there are a lot of Malays that have been sacrificed by it.

What has happened is, not only have the [bumiputra] figures for [equity participation] declined, the size of disparity between Malays is also high. This means that the idea of positive discrimination to redress imbalances is out, as you have to create other excuses for its continuance".

And in another part, he continues:

"What I am saying is that the NEP has not achieved what it has set out to do, and has instead segmented society. The problem with the NEP in regards to UMNO, is that it is utilized for the existence of the political party.

That is the worst - the wealth of the nation and its future is controlled is by 3,000-4,000 people who decide to select or not select their people, and this is funded through the advantages connected with the NEP. That is what this squabble is all about".

And in another part he continues:

"For example, 7-8 years ago, the Government operating budget was only RM50 billion. A few months ago, when PM Abdullah came out with the budget of 2007, this has been increased to RM112 billion. Every year it grows by 15% and if its utilization is not being checked, you will get wastage, which is then translated into the NEP.

It doesn't even help the NEP - the nation just gets more and more in debt."

And Tan Sri Khalid goes even further:

"We cannot go on lke this. All the economic arguments and financial arguments have never been discussed in the political arena.

I can show you why I don't want the NEP - because the leakages and the abuse of it is so huge that future generations will not benefit. If we could use it properly, then of course, we'd be better off.

The NEP was not intended for individuals or [political] parties; it was basically to say the Malays - the majority of Malays - were not in the mainstream of the economy of the nation, and therefore, we need to do something to rectify this.

It talks about masses and not UMNO Bahagian - it was never the intention to be that".

And on Tun Mahathir and the current spat with the current Prime Minister:

"But unfortunately, Tun Mahathir, despite being a very intelligent man, totally didn't understand the Malay culture. That's why he failed.

And while he wrote books about the Malay dilemma and might be writing another book on a double Malay dilemma or something like that, he didn't understand,.....The Malays, culturally, less than 20% are called the principled ones.

The Malay is basically a "post-supporter". And what is meant by "post-supporter"?

Malays only support the winner - if you are the winner, you will get the support".

And he continues:

"It's very traditional since the Malay hardly ever rebels. If the Sultan is killed by his brother and the brother becomes the sultan, the scene of the killing is not relevant - they will support the new Sultan".

And he makes an interesting point here, to ponder:

"That's ahy we have a lot of work to do for change. Malays might not be your supporters, but they can vote for you. In 1999, they might not have been members of Keadilan, but they were willing to give you their vote.

The vote is not relevant to the Malays. But support? [You get it] when you win.

It's a totally different approach and Mahathir didn't understand that, and still doesn't,...."

***************************************

Parti Keadilan Rakyat or Keadilan will never become the Government (or even a State Government anywhere), at least not in the next 30-50 years, I think.

On an ideology level - what they're trying to convey is far more complicated than PAS's "Islamic state" ideology and perhaps, far less acceptable to many Malays currently, too.

At best, Keadilan will play a more prominent role in moving Malaysian politics from a blinkered race-based perspective to a more class and issues-based perspective - which would not be a bad thing.

If it could educate Malaysians to be more circumspect and proactive in holding the current Government (and the major political parties like UMNO) accountable for its deeds (and misdeeds) - that would be an achievement in itself for Keadilan.

I don't necessarily agree on Tan Sri Khalid's premise that the Malays are "post-supporters", though - even though it may be a more accurate reflection of UMNO members. And even if one accepts this premise - I'm sure that the Malays are not the only ones guilty of this behaviour.

I would instead premise the voting and political support pattern of Malaysians generally, as a risk-averse "better the devil you know, than the devil you don't". They may silently agree and support the cause of the Opposition - but the majority will never throw their vote in, for the Opposition.

Regardless of the moral rot festering within UMNO and Barisan Nasional parties - the majority of Malaysians are familiar that the economic and political stability formula has somewhat worked, over the last 30+ years or so.

And the longer the formula works - the stronger the inertia against change.

Hence, this leads to astoundingly big majorities in Parliament for the governing Barisan coalition - the likes of which are not seen in other parts of the world and for that long a duration. It's probably a world record of sorts.

Of course, you have your major exceptions to the rule - like in Pas-led Kelantan, which is almost a country on its own. Or when the UMNO people turn on their own chief, as they did in Terengganu in the 1999 elections. Or in some Malay heartlands up north, where the "Islamic state" ideology still has appeal.

The conclusion that Anwar Ibrahim reached when he joined UMNO in the early 1980's was and is still correct - political change in Malaysia can only be effectively engineered from the inside of Barisan Nasional. And at the apex of this give-and-take system, is UMNO.

But it has also been proven by a succession of idealistic youth leaders who have tried, that all who join UMNO to "change it from the inside" - will eventually be tainted or become silent accomplices to the moral rot and corruption that goes within.

Some have become even bigger "monsters" than the people they once aspired to rid of. In UMNO, grassroots realpolitik seems to justify all measures - even ones that are corrupt and corrosive to the people and the nation.

So, given the above - where does that leave Malaysia? What is the prospect for positive change, then?

My take on it is this - economic and political change can only come from within Barisan Nasional - but it can only come with much constant pressure from the leadership of UMNO, combined with support from the outside of UMNO - be it from the Barisan component parties (like Gerakan, MCA, MIC, etc) or the masses themselves.

Component parties must be allowed (even encouraged) to disagree on issues - so that weaknesses and corruption, may be exposed and addressed. Taking a collective stand that hides the extent of the rot, only compromises all Malaysians, in the long run.

For the country to improve - the "dark sides" and negative culture within UMNO must be contained and weakened.

The leadership of UMNO must be willing to take the right steps and not take the easy way out - even if it means losing more seats in Parliament and having a stronger Opposition voice, at both state and federal level.

It is better for Malaysia to have a 70% Barisan majority in Parliament than to have an overwhelming 90% majority and yet, leading a party that has to be bribed at all levels, to retain their support - hence, incurring public expenditure and wastage in the millions (or possibly, billions) on feeding career political "mercenaries" and sycophants.

It is also important that the public's understanding of current political issues be heightened, so that they can look at each issue on its own - without taking a pre-determined stance of "pro-Government" or "anti-Government" in their minds or a blinkered race-based "you-can't-question-this- as-this-invades-my-turf" attitude.

We must move away from a race-based perspective to Malaysian politics to an issues-based ones.

We must vote with our heads and on a strict evaluation of the performance of the Government and our elected representatives - and not based on racial or religious sentiments or even the fear of voting for the the unknown quantity.

Malaysians have to be taught that it is an essential part of good citizenship, that their leaders be questioned and held accountable, on the usage of taxpayer's monies and that we don't shut both eyes when it comes to economic, financial and political abuse, of any kind by the Government.

Every Malaysian born is entitled to their space in this country - but they only deserve it, when they stand up and speak up politely and rationally, in defence of that birthright. No democratically-elected Government in the world, can dictate over a populace that is non-submissive.

You want to see real change? Start with getting the masses (especially the young) to think and act on it - it's much more effective than trying to get politicians and political parties to change, from the inside.

Teach them to understand history, to question prejudice and to assess Malaysia's place and survivability in today's world.

You will see the pay-off within one generation, I promise you.

And on issues of national unity - this is what I always say to people - the Government does not constrain you (or your children) from mixing with the other races. That's a personal choice and not the dictates of any Government. If it's not done - look in the mirror and ask what you've done to improve the situation, on a people-to-people level.

Sometimes, you have to recognize the areas where having the correct attitudes are far more effective, than any national policy that can be legislated. Don't become a feeble people that looks to the Government, for everything.

*************************************

But if UMNO and Barisan insists on doing whatever it takes (and channelling all forms of economic patronage) to win all seats in an election - then, there is hardly any hope left for Malaysia.

We will continue to be "led" and simultaneously robbed, by 3,000 - 4,000 people in a political party - who will claim to do it on the basis of protecting the interests of their own kind.

And there will come a point when our luck (and natural resources) will run out and will not be able to economically compensate, for the political excesses of our leaders. And by then, Malaysia will regress - perhaps, permanently.

What then, will we say to our children - when we can only leave them, a country that is in ruin?

I hope we never have to come that point.

Reaching for 2007

2006-12-05T05:24:00.000-08:00

December is always a month that gets me restless.

Partly because it's a short month and everyone seems to be on holiday. It's hard for work to progress when everyone's either on holiday or is in the holiday mood.

As I find myself urgently wanting to get more done this month - I'm finding that not many people in other companies are co-operating with me.

Aiyomaaa,...kadavale. It's challenging on the nerves, I tell you.

There's a part of me that wants to shout "we're not on holiday yet!" to some of these people - but I think that would work against me, right now.

Patience is a virtue. There is no truer phrase than that, right now. Oh December! What you do to me!

*******************************************

Now, I'm going to ramble a little.

For some reason, I'm looking forward to 2007 (and no, it's not just because I'm annoyed with the coming holidays,....)

This is because 2007 will probably mark a year of many new beginnings, for me. And of many significant changes, in the lives of those around me, too.

Change would be good, at about right now. Life's getting a little too stale and I want to stop going around in circles, on certain things. Though I shan't promise myself anything because I don't usually keep new year resolutions.

Maybe it's easier to make a change without making any resolutions. Just do it! - as Nike espouses.

And I've almost come to a decision on certain major items. It's either going to be the Honda Civic 1.8 or the Ford Focus 1.8. Both have got their strengths and appeal, to me. I'll decide when I have to, in January.

And 2007 is probably a time to start looking at the next piece of property to own - perhaps, a landed one, this time. I once thought that this should wait until I get married - but why wait for something that may not happen, right?,....life must go on.

2007 will mark a return to The NGO, as a Council Member again.

It's going to feel strange being on active "national service" duty again - but with The Prince and Dr Saint in the lead and with our mission to revive the organization - this should be an enthralling journey. And we have to succeed - for the industry to return to where it once was.

It helps that some of our friends are now in positions and organizations where they are capable of supporting our efforts. And I hope that courage and determination will be with them.

2007 is the year that I will register as a card-carrying political party member - I think this promises to be one of the more controversial parts next year, considering my choice of political party.

And yes, a serious hobby is definitely on the cards for 2007. Again, I'm not going to make promises on this one - just in case, I don't carry it out. But it falls to one of three choices - vocal classes, writing for theatre or dance classes.

Though based on current interest and the amazing number of hours per week I spend at Star KTV, nowadays - it'll probably be vocal classes. Even without training, I can see some improvement and I just wanna see what I could do, if I was properly trained.

2006 has felt like a long year to me - although it has felt like a breeze to everyone else. But to me - it has been a long and challenging year.

It's better than 2004, but it's still tough. And it's a year where I've learnt so many things about me and about life. But I cannot lie - I'm happy to see this year pass.

I'd like for 2007 to be be shorter and more fulfilling.

More answers and fewer questions. And with a heart that has a bigger capacity to accept things the way they are, or the way they have become. To smile more, to frown less. To be happier, more often than not.

More living than waiting to live. More right calls on people, fewer big mistakes. More in touch with God, more often than not.

I'm looking forward to 2007. :) InsyaAllah, a better year awaits.

The Great Responsibility of Friendship?

2006-12-04T17:41:00.001-08:00

When you see a close long-time friend making a string of mistakes that would be detrimental to himself and others around him, what do you do?

The answer used to be more obvious to me, when I was younger. Nowadays, all I am now, is hesitant. Not because I don't care - but more because there is no one shoe size that fits all.

After all, everyone's different - we all have different priorities, different things that we emphasise on and different ideas of what proper order and sequence in life, means.

Different strokes for different folks - a disaster in my eyes, might be a blessing in yours.

People have succeeded in many ways, using many different routes - who are we to tell our friends that something they're doing, will not work? And that it will bring about a worse outcome for him?

****************************************

But there are some things where impending disaster is just inevitable, if you keep going on the same track. Where it's just plain common sense.

Like taking drugs. Or drinking yourself silly from morning till night. Or just plain over-spending and under-earning, the famous formula for financial disasters. Or being so focused on a single future objective that you compromise everything and everyone close to you, to achieve it.

All the times when I've been honest and frank with my friends - some appreciate it, some take the advice and some,...just never talk to me about the issue again.

And once I know they've taken a stand on an issue, I withdraw. I want to be able to treat adults like adults - you advice them as peers, not children. Where you remind them about the pitfalls and leave them to think and decide on the natural consequences of their own actions. Where you don't always offer them a safety net and spoil them silly.

Letting adults be adults is the best way for them to learn, I believe. It's good in the sense that they come to their own conclusions - instead of them feeling like you're patronizing them.

But in most cases, the damage done can have a detrimental and prolonged impact on one's life, if not a permanent one. And in some cases, it will scar innocent parties like parents and children for life, too - it shapes their fears and outlook.

What sort of friend would let another friend go through that, you may ask?

My answer to that is simple: A friend who wants to keep the friendship.

A friend that still wants to be there, when the chips are down - whatever wrong turns you've made. A friend that neither wants to judge or say "I told you so". A friend that will be there for you, regardless of the fact that you're making a mess out of yourself and others - because you can't seem to see the wood for the trees.

A friend who will accept you, for who you are - because he has enough respect for you, to decide on your own course and let you live your own life, after the advice has been given.

****************************************

A conversation with a few friends last night churned out that memorable phrase from the film "Spiderman" - "With great power, comes great responsibility". It came up in the context of a friend, whom we all feel have gone down a wayward and self-destructive path.

The fact that he consistently showed the same pattern in previous parts of his life, reaffirmed our convictions that he was going on a downward spiral, that would bring him and his loved ones, down with him.

Although I refused to let past track records, be a main arbiter for his future. People can change and people do. And sometimes, they do straighten out, once they've found something that keeps them on an even keel.

But honestly, the signs of disaster are all there.

The constant lies, the loss of financial control, the imprudent spending, the unbridled but unrealistic optimism that all things will fall into place, the inability to have a sense of proportion and to put things in order, before taking the next big step. It's all elementary - but not quite to him, currently, I feel.

What is our great responsibility as friends then? The group differed on this point.

Some feel that we should grab him by the collar and shake him silly. Some feel that we should be more assertive in driving home our points.

I took a diametrically opposed stand.

Unless we had a real solution to suit HIM and the situation, we shouldn't even bother, really. Just give the advice and if it has fallen on deaf ears, just walk away.

After all, a part of responsibility in a friendship, is respect, isn't it? It means not allowing our own opinion or personal stand, to encroach on and interfere in the other person's life.

Having said that, however - we also recognized that the impact of some actions in life, are irreversible. And that our friend might grow to regret it, one day.

But it's his personal choice and risk to take, really.

And who the hell is purely rational now, anyway? Asalkan hidup tak menyusahkan orang,...not that I can really say that, about him. He's beginning to be a financial burden to both family and friends.

Truth be told - sometimes, as a friend, we don't know whether what we're doing is good enough, to help our close friends.

But as I get older - I'm beginning to get more conscious of the lines that should and should not be crossed, in friendships. The closeness you feel, should never be a license not to respect their decisions, to erode your faith in them or to pull back your support for their decisions or actions.

That's part of being a responsible friend, too.

And even though it may be enough and future lessons may be a painful one to him (and many others around him) - but being a good friend, is occasionally like being a good parent to adult children.

You've got to advice them and after that, respect their decisions, let them go make their own mistakes but always let them know that you'll always be there for love and support, no matter what happens.

And pray - that it's enough.

Who said things get simpler as we get older?

It doesn't - human beings only simplify it in their minds and change their way of looking at things. But a shipwreck is still a shipwreck, no matter how you look at it.

It does not change the reality of things.

Drifting

2006-12-01T20:04:00.000-08:00

Why do people drift apart from each other?

This was an interesting question that appeared in my mind, the other day.

Why do some form of relationships (and I'm talking about all forms of relationships and not just romantic ones, here) remain close and others don't? Why is it that the relationships that you don't work so hard on seem to last and those that you do, always either seem to slowly diminish or disappear as quickly as it came?

In some relationships, it's plainly clear - a determining event culminates in the death of the relationship - like a break-up where you never (or hardly) talk to the ex again.

In some relationships, perhaps the bond you share was due to some familial, life status, physical, professional or environmental proximity - like being being family members, bachelors, neighbours, colleagues or members of the same club/organization/fraternity or interest.

And when those links break, or are not shared anymore or leads to a distancing - the relationships tend to drift away too.

Unless they've built a deeper bond with each other that fortifies the relationship despite the lack of proximity which they're used to. And with some others, the bond remains because of the history and the memories that you've had together, despite not being as close to the other person, as you were before.

In some relationships - you know why people drift away. It makes sense and it makes everything easier to swallow.

And in others, you don't. There's no rhyme or reason for it.

A lovely 20-something girl (with a 30-year old mind) once said to me - "you don't earn your love from people, they give it to you".

And it struck me that she's partly right. They give it to you and they can take it away from you - as they wish it.

Sometimes, the reason could relate to you. But sometimes, it does not - it relates to them.

And just sometimes - you don't know what the hell the reason is. But you can consciously feel yourself drifting apart from the other person and vice-versa. No arguments, no debates, no storms nor thunder.

But the substance of what used to make the relationship special simply,....disappears.

You don't look forward to the person's calls anymore. You don't reply to it, as fast as you did anymore.

You don't feel loved or given your due consideration, therefore subconsciously, you start pulling back, as well.

And before you know it - you've drifted. You become strangers, because you treat each other like strangers and sometimes, with less respect and consideration than acquaintances.

Maybe it's because we take things for granted. Maybe it's because we're going through a temporary or permanent phase. Maybe it's because we love ourselves more than other people. Maybe it's because we've never truly cared for the relationship anyway - who knows?

But every action has a consequence. And whether we're aware of it or not - no form of relationship can survive on a one-way desire and commitment to keep it going (unless you're the mother of a child, perhaps)

It goes without saying that some relationships will remain with you longer than others - and these are the ones that you will cherish the most. Because of the time, love and consideration that both sides give and the commitment that you build (dare I say earn) from being there, when it counts to the other person.

Some relationships will evolve - you are no longer as close, but they remain special in your hearts or in some parts of your memory of shared experiences. And you will spend a part of your time nurturing it, to ensure that the bond lasts, even if you only see them 2-3 times a year.

Some relationships will die - because they have to. Because it's the right thing to do and events between the both of you dictate that it's best to do so.

But some relationships - will just regretfully, fade away - for no reason. Like awful actors that pretend and keep up a facade that everything's okay - when it's not.

Where the foundations of mutual respect, affection and consideration are eroded to the point of no return. Where the hypocrisy of not wanting to offend the other person exceeds the value of fighting for what's good in the relationship.

Where past history is simply just that - past history and it adds nothing to the depth of your esteem or consideration, for the other person.

I guess sometimes, we cannot measure the things that we don't know how to value. And what you cannot value, you won't bother saving.

In some relationships - you don't earn your love, people give it to you.

And in these sort of relationships - you better be prepared to let things drift away.

Like an expected death without a funeral, without grieving - just a mixed bag of numbed despair and quiet acceptance.

The Young and Idealistic

2006-11-26T10:26:00.000-08:00

There is no people more sure about the answers to life than the young and idealistic.

You may have had the good fortune of bumping into one. They're in their 20's and they're at a stage of life where they know who they are and where they want to be.

They're intelligent and usually academically and/or professionally successful, determined and somewhat angry at how silly a place the world is. They hold in disdain people who have made mistakes or whom are corrupt or people who seem to be fully or partially confused.

They're self-confident (sometimes overtly so) and if left unchecked, it will lead to a myopic evaluation of life, laced with an untempered arrogance which tends to alienate them from others.

They have very little self-doubt and rarely indulge in self-reflection, over their mistakes and weaknesses. Some of them are just purely selfish, seeking out friends only when they have a need to be entertained.

Some of them have had enough experiences that have hurt them in the past and they build up high walls of cynicism and detachment to make sure that those mistakes are not repeated.

They've made up their minds about the world and the people in it and they're preparing themselves not to be what they perceive to be the next casualty or sell-out. They don't think that they'll ever compromise.

They know better and they've got principles - so they think they will never make the same mistakes. They're convinced that they will be better and that the world is a better place for them being in it.

They're convinced that their generation is THE generation that will make the most important changes that the country has ever experienced.

If you were once young and idealistic - you would recognize some of the above traits. You may see it in the mirror and sometimes, you may see it in your family and friends.

****************************************

Whenever I talk to young idealists nowadays, I wonder if I've ever sounded like one of them.

So full of energy, confidence and enthusiasm - so unlimited, unfazed and unstoppable in the corners of their own mind. So totally unaware of their own fallibility - so full of an unjustified sense of destiny, by virtue of being highly educated.

And they'll conclude that they did it all on merit and luck had nothing to do with it. They might even conclude that God is talking to them and therefore, how can they be wrong?

One of the simplest conclusions that young people can reach is to conclude that they're better, because they've never or hardly made any big mistakes. Not ones that are obvious to them, anyway.

If you've never made a big mistake, young fellow - good for you. But take my word for this - it does not mean that you're not capable of it.

It just means that you've not yet come to your big mistake - one that you can realize and accept. One that makes you eat humble pie and makes you realize that you're not all that special or great, despite all good intentions and idealism.

But no young idealist likes to be talked down to, because of their age and youth. And I know better, than to try to do so.

Sometimes, the best way to get people to learn is to LET them make their own mistakes. Let them come to their own conclusions, after they've made their own mistakes. Don't rush it - it will come to them, when it's meant to come to them.

It's not that idealism is a bad thing.

It's a very good thing - society would be much poorer in both quantity and quality - if history were absent of young idealists. The civilization of Man itself may not have survived without the ideologies that promote the best of ideals for Man and his society.

But ideals don't exist or live in a vacuum. Ideals, no matter how high or noble - has to live in a context of reality. Because it is within reality, that ideals has to prove its worthiness for constructive change and betterment.

Over time, we realize that the idealistic road is a lonely one. In reality, human beings tend to push each other to conform to the values it holds dear.

One day, you might abandon some of your ideals to get ahead in your career or to increase your wealth.

Or you feel that the damage is worth it, because happiness and success is something that you prize above all else. Or when you feel that it's more important to make a living, than to take a principled stand. Or when you close one eye and remain silent to the corruption of your friends, but still scream out when the same is done by strangers.

Or you might join a political party which operates in a context that you don't really believe in or which values you cannot identify with - because you've been convinced that it's the most pragmatic thing to do. Perhaps, there is comfort in numbers and acceptance by the majority.

Any honest young idealist (that has grown older) would admit to themselves that somewhere along the way - reality had made them compromise - at least, in some areas, if not all. They find they're much lesser, than the people they once thought they were.

The proof of the pudding is in the eating.

You only know how true you are to your ideals when it requires you to pay a price and you would still openly and willingly take a stand, regardless of the consequences and the high price paid for it.

But the realization that most young idealists will come to, is that they're human. And so are other people in this world. And that people falling short of their ideals, is not necessarily a moral crime - that's being human too.

Reality is what tempers our expectations from the spring well of idealism.

Sometimes, not everything you believe in will fit squarely into this world - but you have to realize that an imperfect fit is far better than not attempting to fit it, at all.

And if the young person is still an idealist 10 years after leaving formal education - then in all likelihood, he will realize what's sacred to him and what's not. What are the areas which he has conceded due to pragmatism, compromise and weakness and what are things that has and will continue to remain, inviolable.

Provided he's honest to himself, of course. Arrogance is a dark shadow that clouds many mirrors of self-reflection. It stands in the way of self-improvement - and therefore, yes, idealism too.

If you're completely happy with who you are without the slightest ounce of self-doubt and the occasional self-recrimination - it may mean that you've stagnated, as a person.

But at the end of the day - what's important is that the journey to idealism be continued. Learn to forgive yourself (and others) for falling short and making mistakes and keep on trying.

There can be no lessons without mistakes. The person who has not made (or lacks the self-honesty to acknowledge his own mistakes), is someone who has stopped learning.

He stunts his own journey towards his ideals, if he cannot accept the reality of mistakes, in himself or others. There is a reason why they say, that to forgive is divine.

At the end of the day - it's what you learn from living, that matters - it's not a zero-sum game, where there is absolutely, no latitude for errors.

Our ideals are meant to make us better people, not perfect people. Perfect people cannot possibly change the world, because they simply cannot comprehend mistakes or failures in life. How do you relate to people who have fallen, when you never have?

And perhaps, we can only become better people when we accept and forgive the mistakes and fallibility of Man (without becoming overtly rigid or cynical) and yet still carry on the torch for idealism, while being realistic as to the level of substantive change that we may see within our lifetime.

But don't tell the young idealist that.

There are very few stages in life when one feels so certain, so uncompromising, unique and invulnerable. Every young idealist should go through it and be given the time and space, to mature at their own pace. It's the best way to learn.

Furthermore, they probably won't believe you, if you told them anyway.

They'll just think that you're old, washed out and jaded and simply did not have the moral strength to remain true to your ideals and to remain above it all.

But one day, they will know better (and perhaps, be better)- on their own.

Because if you're perfect in your mind, there is definitely only one way for things to go from there - and that is down.

A Great Reunion

2006-11-18T17:29:00.000-08:00

It was one of best the best festival functions I've had, in years. :)

Thank you to Acat and Xena, for being the great co-hosts and core support team for yesterday's great event. And to Zen and AJ too, for selflessly helping out with the cleaning up, thereafter.

I cannot put into words the debt of gratitude I feel, for everyone that has chipped in their efforts in making yesterday's event, a success.

I'm extremely satisfied - close to 90 people turned up (from an expected turnout of 100 people - but most did not make it due to the pouring rain after 4 p.m. - although some, like ZR, Lita, Inas, Ena, Gina and Greeky who gallantly braved the rain anyway), the guests enjoyed the food, friends from all races and all stages of my life were mixing, mingling and laughing in one big happy Malaysian union (and for some others, reunion), there were many, many children of my peers and I realize that with their presence, we've widened the bonds of friendship into their next generation, too.

I'm my mother's child in that sense - I enjoy hosting and entertaining people in a home event.

I love catching up with people, I thrive on crowds and laughter, I love the nostalgia of past years and seeing how they've grown and matured as people (especially my juniors with their lovely children)and I appreciate that after all these years, some of them still value the relationship we have.

I've shared so much history with some of them - some spanning a period of over 24 years. And some, even if much shorter, carries the nond, depth, meaning, intensity and generosity of friendships, that are decades old.

And in particular, the presence of 2 little children - a little girl and a little boy - made my heart glow, even if their mother was conspicuously absent.

The children have been responsible for so much happiness that I've felt and they were there again yesterday - ever-consistent in the their attention and generosity of their love. There is so much that adults can learn from the innocence and simplicity of children, I tell you.

There were some special people and friends who didn't make it to the event, though I wish they had - but yes, there will be other events in the future, InsyaAllah. Kalau panjang umur, tradisi yang baik akan kita lanjutkan.

At one point, I looked around at all the people attending the event and there was an intensely rewarding feeling inside. A quiet little joy; a smile that cannot be helped.

Over the years, I've been lucky - I have made many good friends and acquaintances and the effort to nurture those ties, have not been in vain. And some have unselfishly and repeatedly proven that they'd be there for me - come rain or shine.

Thank you, God - I have been blessed in so many ways - and this is certainly, one of them.

Jumping Into The Fray

2006-11-16T03:33:00.000-08:00

I've been toying with an idea in my head, lately.

Maybe it's due to the restlessness of Malaysia in current times. Maybe I'm tired of playing in a small corner of a policy segment in an industry NGO.

Maybe I'm weary of playing spectator on the sidelines and I'm itching to play in a wider and more general space, fighting for bigger things that matter, for now and the future.

Maybe I'm just crazy at entertaining the thought, at all.

Or maybe I'm just unwilling to give up on certain things dear to me, until I've given it my best shot, to salvage it.

I don't know whether I have the temperament for it - but all my life, friends and family have been telling me that I was born for this. It seems to be one of those things I naturally absorb like a sponge. An area that I have so much interest in, yet I'm not in the fray.

And maybe it's just age telling me that I can't use the excuse that I'm too young anymore, to get involved. It seems like the right age to get my feet wet in the arena - I'm more steady and mature and am not likely to get carried away by the tide of mass consensus.

Right age, right time, right motives and perhaps, finally - the right sort of drive to push me in.

But as always, the path I choose has to be strongly aligned to what I believe in. And it's likely to be at least, mildly controversial. I can see my Malay elders frowning already - puzzled at the radical stand, that I might make.

It's a path to nowhere, possibly. I'll be a minority and it's not likely to lead to great power or riches. But I'm not there for that anyway. If I wanted that, I would choose the easy option which 3 million people already have.

But me being me, the popular option has never been appealing nor made much sense to me, most times. It's likely to be a road fraught with difficulties - I'll stick out like a black African in Finland.

And there's a very real chance that I'll be called all sorts of names and insinuations that I have sold out on my own kind, will be made. And of selling an ideology that still too few, understand or accept.

It's not going to be easy. But at least, it will be what I truly believe in.

Sometimes, you've got to be true to who you are, to find out who you can be.

2007 beckons. Decision time is around the corner.

Laungan Sunyi

2006-11-13T09:26:00.000-08:00

Dengarkah kau
suara laungan yang sunyi
dibelakang senyum si badut,
terlindung dari zahir
kecewa tangis berdarah tergumpal
selama ini

Dengarkah kau
Pekikan si gila yang amarah
disebalik topeng intelek dan rasional
menyiat daging kelemahan insan,
yang batu, ingin menyamar intan
yang palsu, ingin mereka pertahan

Mungkin jika kau amati dengan mata hatimu,
Akan jelas segala penipuan
Mungkin jika
kau pasang telingamu,
kata bidas lagi pedas
akan menjadi pelita akhlakmu

Dunia ini syurga bagi mereka yang sesat
kata pujangga,
Buta segala-segalanya
mendabik dada, menepuk sorak,
bersawang segala nilai dusta
yang meruntuhkan sesama kita

Dengarkah kau
Jiwaku meronta dizalimi binatang
yang lahirnya manusia,
Memendam pedih duri, mangsa insan duniawi
yang bernafsu tanpa pagar,
tamak rakus menghimpun tanpa memberi

Aku hampa dalam diam paksa
Berakar berumbi dalam kepercayaanku
Tersangkut dalam realiti, yang bingung lagi membingungkan
Sandiwara hipokrit beradab yang berterusan
menenggelamkan laungan jiwa berontak suci
yang nyaring dalam sunyi sepi.

Nukilan:
Stingray
14 November 2006

"Cinta" - A Malaysian Movie Masterpiece

2006-11-09T17:23:00.000-08:00

I was one of the fortunate bloggers that came by the opportunity to have a private screening for the media, of Alternate Studio's latest Malaysian film, "Cinta", at 1 Utama yesterday.

This is the 2nd production by Alternate Studio - the first being the film, "Salon". I kept my expectations realistic after that attempt for fear of being disappointed. (Although to be fair, "Salon" did uncover a star in the lovely Chelsia Ng - who now stars in the weekly drama "Realiti")

But comments from some friends and loved ones (who are not typically avid Malay movie aficionados like me)who had seen "Cinta" were definitely positive - which made me look forward to it even more.

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First, let me state that I've always been a supporter of Malay movies and Malay songs. I've never given up on it (despite the challenging years of Yusof Haslam's movies) and I've always believed that if we support the local film industry - eventually, you will see it improve over time.

And before I proceed to my review, let me state this without qualification:

"Cinta" is the BEST Malay movie that I have seen since 1990, at least (and I've seen a LOT of Malay movies).

It is an intelligent movie on so many levels and casting-wise, has the most talented ensemble of actors and actresses assembled, probably not witnessed since the days of the original "Abang" perhaps.

And from a quality, technical, soundtrack, movie-making and entertainment-value perspective - it is far superior to anything you've ever seen from Malaysian movies. It will make you proud of our local movie talent pool.

It is head and shoulders above any of the local fare, I've ever seen - and if any movie is likely to bring back the urban Malay crowds to the cinema - this is THE MOVIE.

It confirms what I've thought all along - that Malaysian moviemakers do have what it takes to make great movies - it's just a matter of putting the right ingredients together.

I repeat, folks - this is the BEST Malaysian movie that I have seen since 1990, at least.

Please make time to go and watch it, tell your friends to go watch it and do justice to the Malaysians who obviously have worked very hard on this beauitful production.

This is MUST-SEE, folks - even if you're typically the sort of Malaysian that would not pay to watch Malaysian movies and would rather wait for it to appear on TV over Raya holidays.

I kid you not - because I don't joke about Malaysian movies. I'm dead serious about the state of our Malaysian moviedom.

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10 stars, 5 love stories inter-linked in 1 story.

At first glance, "Cinta" is very much likened to the runaway British hit "Love Actually". But that's where the similarities stop - "Cinta" is very much in the Malaysian mould.

I'm not going to take the fun away from you by telling you what the stories are all about. I think a part of enjoying "Cinta" will be discovering what the stories are, for yourselves. It'll add to your appreciation of the emotional depth of the movie.

But what makes this movie great, you may ask?

For one, it's got a very strong cast.

The talented Fatimah Abu Bakar makes a welcome comeback to big screen, showing that she's still got the stuff that once made her Malaysia's best actress. Her acting was entirely convincing and effortless, although they could have given her better dialogue.

I've always considered Nanu Baharuddin a strong actress, even in supporting roles like in "Pontianak Harum Sundal Malam".

It's fitting that she's been given the lead role in one of the 5 stories and she played the role of a protective big sister and a woman involved in an affair with a married man, to perfection.

It's not just the script - Nanu's facial and silent expressions show depth of conflicting emotions with an economy of words - which is the true measure of acting talent.

Shidee (Rashidi Ishak) also popularly known to most men as the lucky bloke who married the lovely Vanidah Imran - shows that he's come a long way since his early days in "Mimpi Moon".

I used to think that Shidee was quite stiff in his acting in his earlier days - but over time, he's come into his own now, with a very strong performance as a loving, hopeless romantic but heartbroken husband, whose marriage had disintegrated, due to his wife's affair with another man.

He displayed the range of emotions very well and some of the scenes with his daughter, were truly touching and will reduce some of you, to tears. Especially for those who understand the pain of divorce and the confusion it causes to both adults and children.

Though, I would have liked him to have the chance to express a wider variety of emotions attached to break-ups and divorce - perhaps, anger, resentment and bitterness mixed with a great mixture of eternal love and compassion.

The most promising actor in this movie has to be Que Haidar, who plays Nanu's character's younger brother.

There's a raw and honest intensity to his acting which pulls you in and holds you there - the way strong young drama actors like Christian Bale and Leonardo Di Caprio do. Watch out for this one - given meatier and juicier roles in the future - I think he'll be a star, one day.

As for the other actors - Rahim Razali played to his usual strength, though it's not his most memorable performance - but his screen chemistry with Fatimah Abu Bakar, was heartwarming.

Eizlan Yusuff to me, has always been one of the more underrated actors in Malaysia - I've always liked him since "Perempuan Melayu Terakhir", even though intelligent movies like that would hardly be a success at the box-office.

However, in this movie, I felt that Eizlan was not given the scope to show what he's truly capable of - but it was sufficiently good and entertaining.

Fasha Sandha, to me, has always been better in the Penang-type "Anak Mami" genre movies.

The girl has impeccable comic timing and she always seems comfortable executing lines in loghat utara. I've always found her a bit wanting and mechanical in her range of expressions since her earlier drama attempts like "Berlari Ke Langit" all the way down to her portrayal in "Gong".

But in this movie, Fasha's emotional range in every scene shone through far better than she's ever done, in drama-type movies.

Again, she could have done better if the script, storyline and character development had allowed her to do more - but this is a promising new start for the talented young starlet. Keep it up, Fasha!

And yes, she and Eizlan looked good together - it's a believable pair. Quite sweet, although they would have done better, if the script told us why they fell for each other. One more additional scene, would have done it.

Rita Rudaini exceeded herself too, in her role as Shidee's character's wife. Her expressions of guilt and conflict, were particularly convincing - although they could have given her a bit more to work on.

I personally, would have liked to see more interaction between them as husband and wife and how she relates to her child, in such painful situations, like a divorce.

Sharifah Amani is a strong young actress - but she needs to be given the right roles to excel. People like Yasmin Ahmad knows perfectly what suits her and what doesn't.

Casting-wise, perhaps, there could have been better actresses to hold the role that she played of a naive young girl who came to town, looking for her boyfriend.

She seems too intelligent to play naive - I felt this role was meant for someone whose a bit more raw, "street" and hardened. She also lacked screen chemistry with Pierre Andre - it seemed awkward and not quite believable.

Pierre Andre has improved substantially since his days in "Salon", I feel. I still have a problem with a way he intonates his words - but his strong points are his his emotional depth and wide range of expressions and he's born to play the good guy underdog.

Of the supporting cast, Ngasrizal Ngasri deserves honourable mention. Even with the limited script and number of scenes that had, he was entirely convincing as Amin, Cikgu Elyas's grandson. He's also another underrated drama heavyweight, I feel - those who had seen many of his earlier work and most notably, in "Kaki Bakar" would agree with me.

I saw many of my friends doing cameos in there - Mat Jeb being one of them (although that scene was straight "cut and paste" from "When Harry Met Sally"). Vanida Imran's cameo was welcome too - she's a sight for sore eyes and has a great way of letting her eyes and her smile, do the talking for her.

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Story-wise - of the 5 stories, I felt that "Tulus" or the light drama played by Sharifah and Pierre, is the weakest (which is still pretty strong, considering the quality of this movie). But as a formula in a movie, the story will appeal to the younger set of viewers - who will probably be able to identify with the issues raised.

"Cinta" would have done better with a "more is less" formula, to the stories.

If it only had 4 stories with deeper plot and character development (with the interplay of more characters within it, instead of having more stories), it would have done even better - given the quality of the cast and the acting.

I felt that the directing by Kabir Bhatia was superb - although a few scenes, should have been reshot, to make it more realistic. The editing was mostly smooth and gave a good flow to the story - keeping you anticipating to know what happens next.

The camera,set and lighting angles were brilliant, fresh and diverse - it makes a very big difference to how we perceive a Malaysian movie - where technical elements have always been weak.

For most parts, the music accompaniment in the background behind the dialogue worked in keeping the "effect" fresh and shaping the audience's response to the scene, but there were 1 or 2 scenes where the background music did not suit the scene (probably because it has lyrics and seemed to interfere with the audience's appreciation of the dialogue)

Personally, I felt that Kabir could have squeezed a bit more "substance" from his actors and actresses (as they're a talented lot and capable of a lot more) but overall, the man did a fantastic job.

The script by Mira Mustaffa and Ara was certainly way above average, but there is space for improvement.

For one, the "moral" of each story should be more subtle and interspersed within the dialogue and not recited as a "line" at the end of every shot. (An example of good interspersing is when Fatimah's character, Rubi, told off the bystanders in KL, in a scene involving Cikgu Elyas)

Give the Malaysian audience the space to think and digest for themselves - don't push them what the writer's interpretation is. This is not a fairy tale book.

There were moments when the script fell victim to Hollywood and Malaysian cliches - like romantic dinners, as an expression of love. (Or flowers and diamond rings, for that matter)

It was done twice in the movie - and I felt that it was bit much. It was suitable for the scene involving Eizlan and Fasha, as it was their first date - but for the scene involving Shidee and Rita - one would expect that married couples would have other meaningful ways of expressing love and devotion, other than over a romantic dinner.

And the scene where Eizlan's character held the press conference to me, was unconvincing on its basis and portrayal. That could have been done better - in a story where most of the script, was way above water.

But there were dialogue gems, too - the poignant scene between Shidee and his child, the argument and affectionate scenes between Nanu and Que, the courting scenes between Eizlan and Fasha, the brief but meaningful exchange between Eizlan and Shidee, the few earthy scenes between Ngasrizal and Fatimah Abu Bakar and the scenes which depicted the routine of Cikgu Elyas and the kindness of fellow human beings.

And the music and soundtrack to this movie are amazing - easily rivalling the best of songs, in good Indonesian movies.

It is certainly one element that has long been underestimated in Malaysian movies, one which the Indonesians have long understood before us - the impact of good music in influencing how the audience feels about the movie.

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But overall, minor points and patchiness aside - this is an AMAZING production by Ahmad Puad Onah, Dhojee (I'm proud of you, my friend) and Ara and Alternate Studio.
On a Malaysian movie scale - I'd give this a 8.5 out of 10.

Kudos and well done to all three of you - all of you have raised the benchmark for Malaysian movies. The movie is wholesome, wide-ranging, thought-provoking and very, very "now".

If the rest of the Malaysian moviemakers follow your example - we may yet see the day Malaysian urban audiences, return to the cinemas to watch to Malaysian movies.

To all of you reading this - it's time to revive your faith in Malaysian movies. Yes, especially you urbanites that have long ago given up on Malaysian movies, because of the trauma of Yusof Haslam movies.

"Cinta" opens on 30th November - go with your friends and family, folks!

The Mentor Returns!

2006-11-08T14:44:00.000-08:00

My mentor, Dr Saint (not his real name) has returned to Malaysia after successfully completing his Ph.D. after 3 years, in Scotland.

I'm really glad he's back.

This is one examplary man that has taught me that one man with great passion for constructive change, can make a difference for many others out there.

He taught me to believe that it change is possible if one strives for it and that even if one fails in one's crusade - there is no shame in it, as valour is measured by how hard you try, in overcoming the challenges.

He's a semi-retired millionaire who lives a pretty religious-conscious, humble and frugally understated life, despite his wealth. There's nothing ostentatious about Dr Saint - whatever his financial capacity, it has never bothered him to drive a Kancil on the road.

This was the man who in 2001, had asked me 3 times to join The NGO. I refused him the first 2 times and I insisted that he must have seen more in me, than what I was really capable of. I was literally dragged into holding a Council position in The NGO, when he was still the founder President.

And 4 glorious years (up until my retirement from Council in April 2005) in The NGO followed - with so many stories of effort, struggle, passion, sacrifice, courage, persistence, success and failure. Out of these 4 years, The Program was born - a major success for such a young NGO.

It was probably one of those few moments in my involvement in The NGO, when I felt I had justified Dr Saint's faith in me. Although knowing him, it would have been good enough, that I was making the effort to make a difference to others.

I met many good and inspiring people within the industry and some of them, have become not only close comrades in The NGO, but also close friends.

The Go-Getter, The Prince, The IP expert, The Trainer, The Russian, The Handsome Chap, The Management Guru, The Smartcard Woman, The Broadband Guy - they were all amongst the many invisible and dedicated people within The NGO - that have quietly but surely contributed to the development of the industry.

Those were the glory years for The NGO.

It was then run by people who had passion, discipline and commitment - and they were results-oriented. They knew that the position they held was not a privilege - but a responsibility.

Now, it's just a mere shadow of what it used to be. There are hardly any activities held, now - and the ones that are still running are mostly done by the same old horses with the same old packaging, from yesteryears.

And the once great leadership influence The NGO used to wield on policy issues in matter related to the industry, be it in the Government, the universities and the private sector - has now diminished and virtually disappeared, if not for the respect accorded to The Prince, by many.

And even though I've tried to help with the succession planning and I recruited seemingly good people on to the Council, whom I gauged were more technically able and competent than me - but the results and outcome have been quiet disappointing.

And at last night's teh tarik session, I asked Dr Saint why. Why are our efforts in recruiting good successors, such a dismal failure within The NGO?

His answer was simple yet illuminating.

He said to me: "Why did you think I asked you 3 times to join The NGO? It's because you had the one thing that would make The NGO work - Passion."

"No matter how educated, experienced and technically able a person is - he will not do well in The NGO, unless he's passionate about the cause and his responsibilities."

*************************************************

I owe Dr Saint a huge debt of gratitude, which I cannot possibly repay. Most especially so, for believing in me, long before I believed in myself.

I remember joining my first Council meeting in 2001, trembling at the thought that I may let down the people I represent. This was after all, a national organization and the fate of so many in the industry, depends on our efforts and success.

He had much more confidence in me, that I would do well. Certainly, much more than I did, at that time.

And I'd like to think that my contribution in the 4 years that I was in The NGO, has justified his faith in me.

Be it from a projects, policy, people or succession perspective - I think I've done at least, my fair share to influence and contribute to its past, current and future growth. It's got my fingerprints all over it - though there are probably as many failures, as there have been successes.

There were many sweet successes and memories within my time in The NGO - and I know I owe it to Dr Saint, for sparing me the opportunity to achieve them.

But my mentor's return has caught me in an optimistic mood, again.

There's nothing like the return of an inspiring leader - to motivate good, capable people to believe in the possibility of effecting constructive change, again.

I believe The NGO will benefit from Dr Saint's return - with or without a position, he will be able to make a difference and breathe life back again into The NGO, which is seemingly lifeless now.

Perhaps, the glory days are around the corner again. Perhaps, passion will once again pervade and prevail, within the ranks of The NGO.

God knows it's been missing for too long - and the people who elect us and who we represent, have suffered for it.

Welcome Back, Dr Saint! :)

Of Hearts That Grow

2006-11-07T07:03:00.000-08:00

There are times in life, when you'll be surprised by how far your heart can grow.

Tonight, I listened to her talk about her hopes and fears, regarding the love of her life. The woman whom I used to love - or still do, if I'd care to admit it.

She's still riveting - I could listen to her talk all night, I kid you not.

It's a strange mixture of emotions.

On the one hand, I never realized how much I still felt for her, despite the walls I've deliberately put up over time. Make no mistake - there isn't very much that I would not stake or sacrifice for this woman.

On the other, I sincerely and genuinely wished for her happiness with the man that she wants. I truly wanted her to be happy, even if I'm not the lucky man and she's not by my side. In fact, I found myself encouraging her relationship.

And I was surprised that I felt all of these feelings, at the same time.

She's far from perfect, I know - but my emotions seem to recognize no limits or boundaries, when it comes to her.

The heart does grow over time, if you let it. It matures and escapes beyond selfish confines to the limitless ambit of sweet sorrow.

The Corner of the 33rd Birthday and the 300th entry

2006-11-05T19:32:00.001-08:00

This is the real 300th entry of my blog.

I wanted to wait for a fine day to write it (I originally targeted to write this in Langkawi on my 33rd birthday - but it's too beautiful a day to spend indoors, blogging) and that day is here.

It was about slightly more than 2 years ago when I started blogging (at that time, the blog was called Living My Dreams). It was the months after Mum passed on - and I had so much to say - there were many things on my mind and in my heart that needed to spill out or risk an emotional collapse.

And for the last 2 years, this blog has been immensely therapeutic to me, as an emotional outlet. It has kept me sane, through a somewhat emotionally turbulent period. And it has filtered cynicism from creeping into my outlook, with the passing of time and age.

What was of great surprise to me, was the many people that have written to me, saying how my writing has helped them clear their thoughts or express what they felt, but could not convey. And some, just simply enjoy reading it - even if I'm a tad repetitive.

All the heartfelt expressions of appreciation and encouragement (and even honest, well-worded criticisms) are very much appreciated. It made me feel like I was not alone. It greatly consoled me that many shared the same sentiments and dilemmas, that I did.

Over the last 2 years, I've had e-mails from over 70 different strangers and comments from over 100 different readers, not counting the unidentified anonymous ones.

I've made many friends and ome of them are now close friends and loyal readers/commenters. Some are just normal friends and others are acquaintances.

Some others have come and gone, like ships in the night - but I do know that they're still reading, because of their occasional comments, in this blog.

Some of my friends (and ex-girlfriends, I suspect ;)) use it as a way of keeping in touch with what's happening in my life, in between their busy work and family schedules. Some prominent readers have even led me to writing for a local daily, the Malay Mail.

I look back at the writings of the last 2 years and the journey has been an emotionally (and sometimes, intellectually) rewarding one. I could chart a growth and maturity progress in some areas, though some other areas still require a lot of work.

But I'm glad that I started blogging and I hope to continue for a long time to come - perhaps, until a time when I don't enjoy it anymore (which will probably not be soon).

Happy belated 2nd birthday to Mimpi Pari (formerly known as Living My Dreams) and my alter ego, Stingray.

And thank you to all whom have been with me, through this amazing journey. I hope you will continue the journey with me.

There's so much more in the future ahead, to be lived and experienced. And I shall continue living my dreams, without retreat or surrender, InsyaAllah.

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The recent solitary break in Langkawi, was a good one. I never realized how much I needed it.

No, there was no great revelation over the break - no great mental or spiritual breakthroughs. I was just more relaxed - I guess not being in KL, helps one achieve internal peace and clarity, to see things for what they truly are.

I reaffirmed in my mind, some of the things I've promised myself before. Nothing worth repeating here - I've said it all before in my previous entries.

But there were some new resolutions.

First, to start living today for today, because tomorrow might never come.

That life's experiences and enjoyment, should never revolve around a future event or outcome, no matter how much I want it. I'm wasting time in wait, for something that may be destined to be out of my reach.

Secondly, to start giving more to people who deserve it.

To the people who have always prized giving, over receiving. To those who have consistently been there for me and have never asked for anything back. To those who have always kept their promises and have not taken me for granted.

To those who value my company and do not treat me like a filler/substitute for the person they really want to spend time with.

And I shall give less, to friends and loved ones who give keep giving lesser and lesser. It's not that my love is conditional - but sometimes, the good things in life must be earned, for you to appreciate it. You only get from life, what you give to it.

And considering what I give to life - I definitely want more, qualitatively. I deserve it - and it's about time that I realize that.

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Sometimes, people do not have enough strength to keep their promises to you.

Bapak (my stepfather) had been a part of my life for 18 years, up until the point Mum passed on in 2004. He has now remarried to another woman (the most insecure witch I've ever met) and in a bid to try to please his wife - has severed all communication ties with my siblings and I.

It hurts when people tell you that they will always be your father and family - and not keep that promise, after your mother passes on.

It makes a lie and falsehood of the familial bond, built up over the years.

So much trust and love that was built up over a period of time. Everything has dissolved into thin air, once he remarried - it's as if the last 18 years never happened to us.

But I forgive him and I wish him all the best with his new wife and family. He's 74 now and I wouldn't wish it on him, to be alone. I know how lonely it can be. And for all it's worth, during the 16 years when he was married to my mother, he treated her well and he loved all of us, like his own.

Though I'm a bit disappointed that even a seemingly great and principled man can't stand up to the wiles and trickery of an elderly woman - but I guess, that's how pragmatic some people can be. Life seems to go on for them - albeit, with little sentimentality or gratitude.

Sometimes, I wonder whether he ever truly loved my Mum (or us) and his love is as transient, as sand in an hourglass.

But it doesn't matter - people come and go. Sometimes, they die on you. And sometimes, they die on themselves.

Good luck, Bapak. And thank you for all the memories, of who you once were.

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I'm looking forward to next year. It's a year of many new starts and beginnings. And InsyaAllah, a more financially rewarding year, too.

Sometimes, you have to wait a while, for good things to happen. You sacrifice instant gratification, status, image and the false trappings of the world.

And you focus on the long-term and build things up, a block at a time. And eventually, over time, you will see a castle in front of you.

Slow and steady. You'll get there.

Life is a little like a bowling game. The reality is that you're not playing against others in the marathon of games - you're playing against yourself. In each game, you're chasing your own perfect game (or near perfect game).

You may be the best player or you may not - but the objective is to constantly improve your own performance, under different lane conditions.

That aside - I'm thinking of a solo holiday trip to India, next year. That's definitely in the pipeline.

I'm feeling calm - and looking forward to the future.

Soul Fasting on Aidilfitri

2006-11-02T19:24:00.000-08:00

This is the piece that I wrote for the Malay Mail that appeared on my birthday on Monday, 30th October - which happened to be my 33rd birthday.

I'm reproducing it here for the benefit of Mimpi Pari readers and also because the original version is slightly more flowing than the "butchered and edited" version that Malay Mail produced which I'm unhappy with (Zul, if you're reading this - kindly take note)

I meant to write another piece, as this is my 300th entry on this blog - but I guess that one can wait. :)

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Soul Fasting on Aidilfitri

By Stingray

As Ramadhan approaches its end, the joyous sentiment that surrounds the celebration of Hari Raya Aidilfitri envelopes the local Muslim community.

Aside from Ramadhan’s significance of willpower overcoming daylight hunger and restraining some of our worldly appetites and excesses, the dawn of Syawal marks a significant point for many, as the celebration usually denotes a family reunion or gathering.

The culture of “balik kampong” for Hari Raya Aidilfitri is well entrenched in our country – for most, a Hari Raya without returning to one’s hometown, would simply be a non-starter.

And a part of what usually makes this ritual of returning to one’s hometown or family home meaningful is the homeward visit to one’s parents or grandparents – aside from being reunited with one’s siblings.

Since Mum passed on in 2004, Aidilfitri has not been the same for me. There’s only one thing worse than being yatim piatu – it’s being an old bujang lapok yatim piatu – and this is especially felt during Aidilfitri.

Mum made all the Aidilfitris in my life special.

I remember how she used to rise early on the first Syawal morning to prepare her delicious nasi dagang, ayam rendang, her divine nasi impit and kuah kacang for the family.

How she would fuss over the family house, looking spotlessly clean and elegant to receive visitors and for my infamous annual open houses too.

How she would mock annoyance at my insistence on her helping me out with the tying of my kain sampin – as I would insist that she help me out, because this was Raya ritual for me and if I cared to admit it, it made me feel closer to her.

I never realized it but Mum was the central core that held my siblings and I, together. We were never close on Aidilfitri, it was our love for her that made us converge in the family home, as opposed to my siblings rushing off directly to the homes of their in-laws.

After she passed on, my Aidilfitris have been deafeningly quiet – usually spent alone in my condominium.

My siblings (and their families) have predictably chosen to spend their Aidilfitris with their in-laws, the only form of parents they have left. And I realize that even though the hunger fasting in Ramadhan has ended, the thirst I feel still continues into Syawal.

My solitary welcoming of Syawal (albeit, cushioned by the presence of well-meaning friends) means that my soul is still fasting, hungry and craving – for love, for family, for a place called home and a sense of belonging.

But fasting teaches us to appreciate the things that we tend to take for granted and things that others may have had to do without.

And even though my Aidilfitris are pretty dreary now, it makes me appreciate better, happier Aidilfitris in the past and in future. For who knows better the joy of quenching thirst than the person who can hardly drink?

To all those more fortunate than me, who are celebrating with family members – count your blessings and savour every moment of it.

If not for you – then do it for me.

(*Stingray is a 30-something bachelor who lives in PJ and who occasionally dreams of dating Carmen Soo)

Basic Instinct

2006-10-26T21:58:00.000-07:00

These are just some thoughts that are running through my mind, right now.

No particular structure or coherence yet - just in random order, floating around in wonderment. And it goes something like this:

We DO know when something fits. And when something does not.

We can't explain why some people are crazy about us and where every single thing we do seems to lift their already high regard for us.

We can't explain why we might feel the same for others.

We know what we want. We know what we don't want. We know how far we'd be willing to strive for something that we know is worth it. And we also when we're not willing to.

We should know what we can change - and what we can't. And if we don't know, then we should learn over time. For it's a very important lesson in relationships.

Being limitless in your mind, does not mean that you can continue to ignore the wall in front of you, when the only tool you have to break it, is your head. Accept your limitations, when God has ordained it.

And give up on the striving, once you know that things don't FIT. No matter how romantic, attractive and appealing the notion seems to you.

Move on and bring the lessons with you. There should be one. It should make you know yourself better, if not your knowledge of the other person. Anything less than that, is pure foolhardyness.

Happiness is that intersection between what you love, what is within your reach, what you're willing to strive for and a little bit of what fits and responds naturally to you - even without your effort.

And if you accept this - you will know that no one missed opportunity can be the meaning of life, to you. Perhaps, one opportunity can fill this spot at each period of our lives - but no single missed opportunity holds the sole key to our happiness.

We survive and we pick ourselves up. And we move on to the next opportunity. There's nothing eternally permanent, romantic or fatalistic in this notion.

Deep down inside - human beings are pragmatic creatures and our instinct to survive, overrides any desire that we may have.

Breaking it down to that level - we seem colder and animalistic than we really feel, perhaps. But there are some out there, who are truer to the most basic of human nature, than others.

And they're well ahead of the curve in life's game.

Know yourself and how far you should go. Know your limitations on some things which involves relationships and feelings. Understand the value of respect and balance. And learn to recognize what fits and what doesn't - earlier on in the game. It's part of the process of maturing.

Ikut hati mati, ikut rasa binasa. How true. Life requires a much higher intelligence of us (and perhaps, selfishness) to survive it.

A Restless Lull in Ramadhan

2006-09-30T01:47:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling restless - perhaps, it's due to the routine serenity of Ramadhan.

Talking less, makes you think and reflect more, I find. Sometimes, about the things that you should be thinking about. Sometimes, about the things you'd rather not confront.

Sometimes, for no particular reason - when some things are finally looking up in life and there should be no reason for one to feel so emotionally "encumbered". Where there's no particular reason to feel unhappy, yet the drudgery hangs on you, like an invisible millstone around your neck.

Maybe because aside from the religious significance of Ramadhan, it's not been a particularly happy month for me, since Mum passed on, 2 years ago. Neither has Hari Raya Aidilfitri or the dawn of Syawal, for that matter.

Perhaps, the significance of some annual religious ritual events and festivities, like fasting in Ramadhan and Aidilfitri Mubarak, is accentuated and underpinned by the presence of family members - particularly, of parents or children.

And the rootedness of having a family home to celebrate it in - the one "home" to everyone, which brings all the siblings and the next few generations, together. Aside from the religious significance of Ramadhan and Syawal - I've lost much of the meaning that I've usually attached to this month.

Breaking fast in the company of good friends and strangers, in a restaurant in a shopping mall or bersahur in a roadside stall at midnight, is just not the same - though somewhat consoling.

I miss Mum's great cooking, the tasty treats over buka puasa, the buzz of nephews and nieces over the dinner table, her persistence in waking me up for sahur and the half-awake family conversations at 4.30 a.m. over sahur. There was something about the whole experience that made me feel - secure; laced with a strong sense of belonging.

You will never realize how much your parents mean to you, until you lose them. That's the truth.

Regardless of whether you're close to your parents or not - they are the source of the ultimate, unconditional sense of belonging and their influence is so pervasive in so many aspects of your life and in the values you hold dear. Perhaps, until one has one's own children, of course.

For those whose memories of Ramadhan and Aidilfitri have always revolved around family members - the absence of family accentuates the loneliness that one feels.

It takes away the essence of much of what is special, about performing these rituals, rites and traditions. Up until Mum passed away, I've never realized that I was one of those people.

For many years since I was very young, I've always felt that I've grown to be wholly independent of my family, at least, from an emotional perspective.

Whatever affection I felt I could not receive at home - there were always others "compensating" for it - I lived off the affection of my friends, my girlfriend, their parents and their families or sometimes, just the people at the bowling alley.

I spent so much time at other people's houses (and the bowling alley in PJ) when I was growing up - I might as well, have lived there.

It was easy to do that as a kid.

I was lucky - other people's parents and families always seemed to have a surplus of affection for me, to make up for the deficit I felt, at home. Whatever works, really.

But as a thirty-something adult, you realize that sometimes, there's just no continuous track of "affection compensating". Somewhere along the track - you'll come to a dead-end. You're exhausted and you run out of "supply" - or maybe what used to be enough, is now insufficient.

And you realize that you're not made to be alone, that you can't keep depending on goodwill of others (and their families) and you must build up something of your own. People who are unconditionally yours - a family of your own. Loved ones who add depth and essence of meaning to every ordinary and special moment in your life.

The reality is, as human beings, we're never free from the basic needs of love and affection. No man (be it in heaven or on earth) is an island - we are never wholly independent of the need for a sense of belonging and emotional support.

Often times, many of us compensate for these deficiencies with an overflow of sensory experience, exotic holidays, intoxication, ostentation, glamour, materialism, success, working hours, ambition, recognition or many other forms of "dependencies" or addiction.

But honestly, we never escape the basic things that we need. And sooner or later - nothing compensates anymore, except for the real thing. It's a basic ingredient in life, for which there is simply no substitute for, without incurring long-term side effects. Whether we'd like to admit it or not.

There comes a point when you just don't want to "tolerate" a life without these basic needs - and you just want to live it, just like some other fortunate people do.

At the end of the day, we all want the same thing - we just go about in getting it, in different ways. And we should make no apologies for it - to each, his own divinely ordained rezeki, effort and happiness.

Selamat Berbuka Puasa, folks! And for those of you who will be breaking fast with parents and family members - cherish what you have. These simple moments in your life, are special and irreplaceable.

Believe me.

Kak Vanya and The Difficult Years

2006-09-26T16:06:00.000-07:00

An early sahur at The Melting Pot with one of my late Mum's favourite nieces, Kak Vanya (not her real name) made me a tad reflective.

Kak Vanya, like me, is a divorcee. But she was lucky to be blessed with a lovely 6-year old daughter, who thankfully, took after her exotic looks. At least that's what Mum cheekily used to say.

Kak Vanya still looked great with her exotic Middle Eastern looks - she's 2 years older than me, but she could have any man she wanted, if she put her mind to it. Though I had a feeling that for now, little Nadia was enough, to fill up her world.

She was very close to my late Mum and always used to confide in her. And to a certain extent, I was always envious of the attention and affection that Mum lavished on her. Envious? Jealous, really.

But to Mum, I think she and her two sisters, (whom she affectionately refers to, as the girls) are the daughters she never had a chance to have. My own sister, Kak, is nothing like Mum. Perhaps, that was one of Mum's undying wishes - to have someone in her own mould. I knew my ex-wife was - and Mum loved her to no end.

*********************************************

The conversation typically revolved around work, relationships and family. Unexpectedly, she had more emotional burden on her shoulders than I expected. But I kept silent most of the time, nodding intermittently and just playing plain good listener.

It occured to me during the conversation, how things have changed for both of us, over the years.

Less than 7 years ago - life was young, on track and full of promise and hope. About 7 years later, life has jaded us both, somewhat - in similar ways.

We learned about the treachery of family members and the distancing of family ties. We learned about trust being abused, at home and at the workplace and the difficulty of finding business partners with strong integrity. We learned that the best of friends, are worth more than the worst of siblings.

We learned of the joy of courtship and marriage and the pain of divorce. We learned to cope with the grief of a string of relationships gone bad and sometimes, to accept things which were clearly unfair to us. We learned the pain of losing loved ones, to ravaging, terminal diseases.

We learned to be more cautious, moderately optimistic and less naive. And sometimes, we're still learning what fits and what doesn't fit and that the heart should not always rule.

And we continue to be humbled by past misjudgements, misplaced loyalties and the labour of love invested in the wrong people. And we learned the heavy price of taking a stand on, on issues of principle.

And most of all, we learnt that society does not always accept what is different - and that's that, really.

The years had been hard on both of us. And it's funny - because for a long time, we were somewhat happy children and young adults, who hardly made any big mistakes in life. Whatever happened to those simpler days?

If we'd care to admit it, the last few years had made both of us AGE. We grew up, in the years before that, but we grew old, in the last few ones.

And we began to wonder what happened to the blissful ignorance of the world, we used to experience.

We're no more naive children - we've found out how hard the world can be. And precisely, for that reason, we've grown to cherish more, the good honest people and the loyal longstanding relationships, in our lives.

Some things come and go, but some things remain, through stormy and shiny days. These are the things that remain your guiding light, in the dark, difficult years.

No doubt that we've both aged from the experience - but I still think that we're both blessed with a lot in life, if we bother to take the time to reflect and to be thankful.

As Kak Vanya continued confiding in me and pouring her heart out, without filtering - I realized how much she misses Mum. And suddenly, I realized that just like Mum once was - I am now Kak Vanya's new confidant. Imagine that!

Life works in strange and mysterious ways, doesn't it?

To Chris and Cheryl,....

2006-09-25T00:13:00.000-07:00

First, I'd like to extend my congrats and warmest wishes to the newly-wedded couple, Chris Chan and Cheryl Pola Singh, who tied the knot on Saturday. :)

Some couples are just lovely together and have this sincere, blessed aura around them. And I'm glad that years and years of friendship, had brought them to this significant point in their lives. Many echoed that familiar word to both of them - "Finally!" :)

The wedding at Sheraton Subang was a blast. The classic jazz background music was a delight to the ears and the candid wedding photos and carefully-edited videos, were simply superb! (Note to self: Consult Chris on wedding planner, if I ever get married again,...). Not to mention that the people at my table, were a really fun bunch!

Chris and Cheryl, your close friends share the joy of celebrating your bond to each other. And we're inspired by your example of a life with much love shared, much goodwill and sincerity expressed and with strong divinely-guided moral foundations. God knows, most of us can do better on all counts.

And Chris, you are my ultimate proof that occasionally, the nice guys do win. And on that score, no one is more deserving than you, my friend. :)

Fear and The Glass Cage

2006-09-22T13:18:00.000-07:00

All other things being equal, there is usually one main factor which keeps the extraordinary life, beyond the reach of the ordinary.

And the factor is fear.

I'm not talking about swallowing insects, diving into pools with electric eels or getting into a coffin full of worms, sort of courage, like the ones shown on reality TV.

I'm talking about overcoming one's fear of life and living - of failing (or sometimes even succeeding), of getting hurt or disappointed, of change or of a state of semi-permanent inertia, of love or being loved or of a recurrence of a past trauma.

The truth is, some of us live in glass cages throughout our lifetimes, because we're afraid.

So, we fortify the bars of our glass cages, comforting ourselves that we're actually keeping all the things that could hurt us, outside. They're cocooned in a sense of complacency and consoling half-hearted attempts at life that never really intend to succeed - but more focused on not feeling like a failure.

They become happy with the control they exert, within the limited confines of their glass cages. They hide behind a cool facade, happy to show the world that they are professional, unfazed and unaffacted by anything.

Maybe it's true what they say - sometimes, the biggest lies in life are the ones we tell ourselves and the ones that we persuade ourselves to believe.

And perhaps, what's sad is that they don't realize that the glass cage has not only kept all possible harm out - but it has also kept a few other important things out.

Like the richness of experiences, the possibilities of joy and happiness and the potential of exceeding one's own expectations.

Have no doubts whatsoever - that if you let it to be, fear can be a life partner that shackles, paralyzes and abuses you and dooms you to narrow mediocrity in life - with your own wilful consent.

God helps those who help themselves, they say. But how will God help those whom are too afraid to live or to even try?

When faced with a glass cage - there are only 2 simple options. Do your best and break the glass bars or do nothing (or do something half-heartedly) and let the glass cage break you, as a person.

Sometimes, the choices are that stark.

In Morrie's Classroom

2006-09-20T16:47:00.000-07:00

Recently, I read "Tuesdays with Morrie" for the 3rd time.

There's something about the way this book is written, that touches me deeply - a raw, honest and uncomplicated look at life, from the perspective of a dying man, withering away from ALS or better known as Lou Gehrig's disease.

Though it's Thursday and not Tuesday, I thought I'd share some of Morrie's gems today with all of you. The take-home for each of us will be different - to each, his own.

***********************************

"Once you learn how to die, you learn how to live".

***********************************

"Well, for one thing, the culture we have does not make people feel good about themselves. We're teaching the wrong things.

And you have to be strong enough to say if the culture doesn't work, don't buy it. Create your own. Most people can't do it. They're more unhappy than me - even in my current condition.

I may be dying, but I'm surrounded by loving and caring souls. How many people can say that?"

***********************************

"So many people walk around with a meaningless life. They seem half-asleep, even when they're busy doing things that are important. This is because they're chasing the wrong things.

The way you get meaning in your life is to devote yourself to loving others, devote yourself to your community around you, and devote yourself to creating something that gives you purpose and meaning".

************************************

"The most important thing in life is to learn how to give out love and to let it come in.

Let it come. We don't think we deserve love,we think if we let it in, we'll become too soft. But a wise man named Levine said it right. He said, "Love is the only rational act""

************************************

"Sometimes, you cannot believe what you see, you have to believe what you feel.

And if you're ever going to have other people trust you, you must feel that you can trust them, too - even when you're in the dark.

Even when you're falling".

***********************************

"The fact is, there is no foundation, no secure ground, upon which people may stand today if it isn't the family. It's been quite clear to me as I've been sick.

If you don't have the support and love and caring and concern that you get from a family, you don't have much at all. Love is so supremely important. As our great poet Auden said, "Love each other or perish""

***********************************

"There is no experience like having children. That's all.

There is no substitute for it. You cannot do it with a friend. You cannot do it with a lover. If you want the experience of having complete responsibility for another human being, and to learn how to love and bond in the deepest way - then you should have children"

***********************************

"I embrace aging.

It's very simple. As you grow, you learn more. If you stayed at twenty-two, you'd always be as ignorant as you were at twenty-two.

Aging is not just decay, you know. It's growth. It's more than the negative that you're going to die, it's also the positive that you understand that you're going to die, and that you live a better life because of it."

*************************************

And on people who wished they were young again, Morrie said:

"You know what that reflects? Unfulfilled lives. Lives that haven't found meaning. Because if you've found your meaning in life, you don't want to go back. You want to go forward. You want to see more, do more. You can't wait until you're sixty-five.

Listen. You should know something. If you're always battling against getting older, you're always going to be unhappy, because it will happen, anyhow.

The fact is, you're going to die eventually. It won't matter what you tell yourself".

**************************************

"We've got a form of brainwashing going on in our country. Do you know how they brainwash people?

They repeat something over and over. And that's we do in this country. Owning things is good. More money is good. More property is good. More commercialism is good.

More is good. More is good. We repeat it - and have it repeated to us - over and over until nobody bothers to even think otherwise. The average person is so fogged up by all of this, he has no perspective on what's really important anymore.

Wherever I went in my life, I met people wanting to gobble up something new. Gobble up a new car. Gobble up a new piece of property. Gobble up the latest toy. And then they wanted to tell you about it. 'Guess what I got? Guess what I got?'.

You know how I interpreted that. These people were so hungry for love that they were accepting substitutes. They were embracing material things and they were sort of expecting a hug back.

But it never works. You can't substitute material things for love or for gentleness or for tenderness or for a sense of comradeship. Money is not a substitute for tenderness, and power is not a substitute for tenderness.

I can tell you as I'm sitting here dying, when you most need it, neither money nor power will give you the feeling you're looking for, no matter how much of them you have."

***************************************

"If you're trying to show off to the people at the top, forget it. They will look down at you, anyhow.

And if you're trying to show off to the people at the bottom, forget it. They will only envy you. Status will get you nowhere.

Only an open heart will allow you to float equally between everyone."

***************************************

"I've learned this about marriage.

You get tested. You find out who you are, who the other person is, and how you accommodate or don't.

Still, there are a few rules I know to be true about love and marriage.

If you don't respect the other person, you're gonna have a lot of trouble. If you don't know how to compromise, you're gonna have a lot of trouble. If you can't talk openly about what goes on between you, you're gonna have a lot of trouble.

And if you don't have a common set of values in life, you're gonna have a lot of trouble. You're values must be alike.

And the biggest one of those values - is your belief in the importance of your marriage."

***********************************

"Every society has its own problems. The way to do it, I think, isn't to run away. You have to work at creating your own culture.

Look, no matter where you live, the biggest defect we human beings have is our short-sightedness. We don't see what we could be.

We should be looking at our potential, stretching ourselves into everything we can become.

But if you're surrounded by people who say 'I want mine now', you end with a few people with everything and a military to keep the poor ones from rising up and stealing it."

**********************************

"The problem is, we don't believe that people are as much alike, as we are.

Whites and blacks, Catholics and Protestants, men and women. If we saw each other as more alike, we might be very eager to join in one big human family in this world, and to care about the family the way we care about our own.

But believe me, when you're dying, you see it is true. We all have the same beginning - birth - and we all have the same end - death. So, how different can we be?

Invest in the human family. Invest in people. Build a little community of those you love and who love you."

*************************************

"There is no formula to relationships.

They have to be negotiated in loving ways, with room for both parties, what they want and what they need, what they can do and what their life is like.

In business, people negotiate to win. They negotiate to get what they want. Maybe you're too used to that.

Love is different. Love is when you are as concerned about someone else's situation, as you are about your own."

*************************************

"As long as we can love each other, and remember the feeling of love we had, we can die without ever really going away.

All the love you created is still there. All the memories are still there. You live on - in the hearts of everyone you have touched and nurtured, while you were here.

Death ends a life, not a relationship."

*************************************

Have a good Thursday, folks.

And for my Muslim readers - Selamat Menyambut Awal Ramadhan, this weekend. :) May it be a month of silent blessings for all.

Know What You're Worth

2006-09-15T12:40:00.000-07:00

A discussion with a close friend in a car today, reminded me of one of the stories in the film - "Joy Luck Club", which was adapted to a movie and written by Amy Tan, relating the stories of the women in 4 migrant Chinese families, spanning over 3 generations.

One of the stories in "Joy Luck Club" revolved around a Chinese girl who married into a prominent American family and was trying to adapt to becoming the all-American socialite wife of the husband she adores. In effect, she was trying to be someone else, that she's not.

But somewhere along the way, in her self-imposed submissive transformation to please her husband - she loses herself, her convictions and stand on issues and with it, her own wishes and desires. And with it, unfortunately, her husband's attraction to her.

And her mother, seeing her regressive transformation, reminded her that she must know what she's worth.

She eventually did find the value of her self-worth - and it saved her marriage.

*****************************************

On a somewhat related note, the close friend (let's call him, Mr Hammer - it's a long story, related to a poor analogy he once told) related to me something about myself, which I've heard before in one manifestation or another, but never quite intently listened to.

Mr. Hammer somewhat said to me: "Only give love and respect to others when people have earned it, from you. In most cases, it should not be unconditional, nor unlimited - give it to them, in the dosages that they deserve, at the stages when they deserve it - not a moment before that. Make them earn the love and respect you give them - only then, will they appreciate it".

They say good advice is only good advice, when it sounds good to you. And due to certain events - Mr Hammer's advice resonated in my mind, today. Like church bells, on a Sunday morning.

With lovers, family and friends - I've always been too generous with my love and my willingness to adapt, change or bend over backwards for them. They've never had to fight for my love, respect or attention - it will be given, as a matter of course - without mutual or reciprocal obligations.

It's a habit I acquired from childhood - most times, the elders and adults I had to deal with, we're not acting like the elders and adults they should be - and I always felt that if I couldn't change the circumstances, the least I could do, is to "compensate" and go beyond the role that is expected of me.

How else would I make things better?

Too much faith in people, too many misplaced loyalties, too many compromises and sacrifices made, too little self-respect and sense of self-preservation - too many times, it's led me up the garden path or to really difficult and painful places in my life.

Most times, I forget that I'm just as important, as the interest of any person that I would put ahead of my own.

Because as both Mr. Hammer and the "Joy Luck Club" correctly pointed out - if you don't know what you're worth, then no one else will.

Perhaps, it's a tad late in the day, to learn this lesson - but better late than never, right?

Aman

2006-09-10T00:12:00.000-07:00

Aman
Hatiku mencari damai
Di bawah payung hidayahNya
Ditunjangi perjuangan bermakna
Dirahmati lazat usaha, murah rezeki
Dilingkungi akrabnya persahabatan setia
Dilimpahi arus selautan ilmu
Disalut hidup beramal sumbangan
'tuk pelita liang lahad

Aman
Hatiku mencari tenang
Belaian manja kasih teman sejiwa
mendakap segala buruk baik seadanya,
Perit manis keajaiban zuriat
hilai tawa anak-anak,
mengenali sayang tanpa
batas penting duniawi

Aman
Hatiku masih mencarimu
Gusar hayatku kan tamat,
sebelum hajat
dipenuhi

Hasil Nukilan:
Stingrayz
10 September 2006

Gold Rain & Hailstones - Still Great The 2nd Time Round!

2006-09-09T14:20:00.000-07:00

I watched "Gold Rain & Hailstones" last night with the exquisite Lady Jazz, at the KL Performing Arts Center (KLPAC). It was still amazing - and that goes for both the show and the company.

It was the 2nd time for me - I first watched "Gold Rain & Hailstones" in 1998 and I remember being being awestruck at Jit Murad's writing and acting talent, in this particular play.

And back than was also the first time that I caught Lin Jaafar - whom I regard as one of the strongest and most versatile and underrated female English theatre actresses, that I've ever come across. And it was good seeing her act again - in my eyes, she's still brilliant!

The content for the 2006 version of "Gold Rain & Hailstones" had been somewhat updated to take in some of the current context - but the main gist of the play which revolves around identity, confusion, the search for a sense of belonging and one's commitment to one's homeland, still remains.

The fact that this play still remains relevant and timeless to perhaps, a new generation of theatre-goers either speaks volumes of the depth of the Malaysian psyche that it unearths,....or it shows how little Malaysia has progressed in tolerating people who are not quite mainstream and who cannot quite fit in within the tiny little identity boxes, which society's expectations sometimes imposes on us.

I'm not going to get into a review of "Gold Rain & Hailstones" - I feel that every Malaysian should watch it and extract the gems of the experience, for oneself. I think you already know what I think of it, anyway. If you're keen to watch it - it's playing for another week at KLPAC, until the 17th of September.

But I'd like to share with you 2 things which stuck with me from "Gold Rain & Hailstones" this time round.

The first is the comment made by Lin Jaafar's character, Aminah, who mentioned that her father had said: "The more we define ourselves, the less space we have to live in". Somehow, I understand that comment more today, than I did in 1998.

The second is Jit Murad's notes for "Gold Rain & Hailstones" in the Dramalab booklet, which strangely enough, struck a chord in me. In the playwright's notes, Jit pointed out that:

"We still exist in a system of patronage, we still endure an absurd bureaucracy. Our most fundamental discussions are still being silenced, we still defer to grassroots zealotry.

'Ah, plus ca change,...' as French transsexuals often say (with a shrug). 13 years later, many of my decaying peers have given up wanting to make a space for ourselves and for values and belief systems that are not "official" or to placate a disapproving constituency.

I guess belonging and identity are the concerns of the young. Let them worry about it"

Well said, Jit.

Perhaps, there comes a time in our lifetime when we all grow weary and we realistically accept the things that we cannot change, within our lifetimes.

And as we get older, we stop expanding the space for alternative viewpoints and values and instead, we turn inwards to live in the small space that we already have - or the corner that society permits us to have, to be different and to buck society's trend.

Quietly, of course. But somewhat still hopeful, for change.

Ups and Downs

2006-09-05T01:56:00.001-07:00

It's been an emotional roller-coaster over the last 2 days.

The first news is the best piece of news this year and was nothing short of a miracle - it would rid me of a huge non-performing loan belonging to my brother, that was parked under my name. It was a mistake I made 6 years ago and one that has been a constant burden on me, financially and emotionally.

Sometimes, you make really big stupid mistakes in your life when you're young. When you don't even blink in putting your trust in a family member.

Twice in my life, I've gone down this path. Both times, incurred a great cost on my life and my relationships.

Let me repeat the old adage, which is all too true: Neither borrower, nor lender (nor guarantor) be.

I've been lucky - by a stroke of sheer luck and blessing, I've been averted from having to carry a loan for a sibling, possibly for the next 20 years. Many out there are not so lucky and would have to live with some of their mistakes for a good part of their lifetime.

And honestly, before yesterday's news, I had resigned myself to this fate - being punished and paying for the mistake of trust and naivety.

But maybe God has other better plans for me. Maybe the lesson has been learnt and perhaps God wants this grief and bitterness to end. Maybe God wants family ties to mend over time, as life is short. Maybe God wants me to buy a car. I don't know.

But I'm truly, truly thankful for this narrow escape. Tomorrow's looking better already.

Alhamdulillah. :)

***********************************************

The 2nd piece of news was related to the biz.

Both deals that I had looked forward to and hoped for, fell through. I'm disappointed - but I'm quite sure I'll bounce back to fight another day. Probably tomorrow.

It's a temporary setback - and I'm not done trying yet.

It ain't over till the fat lady sings. And I don't know any fat ladies. ;)

***********************************************

Overall, on a balance of things, life still feels more up than down.

And whatever happens, I'm still making the Big Trip. There are journeys that you simply have to make, no matter where you are in your life.

If you have a map, a compass and you know where north is, you're not lost - you're just deciding where to go - and when.

Walking on Broken Glass

2006-08-29T19:42:00.000-07:00

A true friend is someone who would have the courage to speak up to you, when he feels that you've done wrong - be it to yourself or others.

And I'm thankful for the friends whom I have, with such courage. I appreciate their efforts in keeping me on the straight and narrow - and for not judging me, on my past mistakes and all too human frailties.

And I'm thankful that at least, they would ask me for my side of the story, before they make up their mind about the "truth".

There are not enough of these sort of friends, around. Definitely, too few of them.

Some friends will just remain silent. Some "friends" will drag your name and personal life across town, so that it makes for lively dinner gossip and there's something about running their own friends down, that makes them feel good about themselves. Some will judge you and make their conclusions about you, based on hearsay and the explanations of only one side.

Some others are even worse - no matter how many times you help them, they simply cannot extend their sincerity, much less gratitude for help given.

There are many days when I pretend not to know about what they're doing. Simply because confrontation would be socially awkward and messy and I've never believed in making enemies. But I do know what they say and do (and occasionally, it hurts me) and somehow, I'm silly enough to accept it and remain friends with them. Although they'd probably be the first people to kick me, when I'm down.

Never mind. Some truths will remain buried while the lies take their place, because the truth is dispensable, to a lot of people. They don't know how to tell the truth to others, because they can't even tell the truth to themselves.

I know and God knows. What society thinks they know does not matter, in some things - even if I have to be the fall guy. I don't bear any grudges, because life's too short and holding hatred only poisons you from the inside.

And for some of the people whom I used to love - please be grateful that some things will remain buried with me. Because hiding the truth, has come at the expense of my own personal reputation, in the eyes of others. And on most days - it does not matter to me. All of us have moved on, with our lives.

I will forgive. I will pretend not to know. And on the days that we meet, I will still be warm and cordial to you. But if you're reading this (and you know who you are, if you feel guilty), please know that I know, what you've been saying about me.

It's just that I choose not to acknowledge it.

Turning Point: The Trip, The Challenge, The Deal and The Birthday

2006-08-27T04:25:00.000-07:00

The Big Trip is still on my mind. Now that certain other major things have happened in my life.

I've made a promise to God and I shall go. As soon as I tie up a few loose ends in my life here - I'm definitely going.

I want to keep my promise. And I hope He grants me me my deepest wishes and prayers. InsyaAllah.

But I have no other expectations for The Trip, other than bringing me closer to something that's currently missing, in my spiritual life.

*******************************************************

The challenge period is for 4 months. I know she thinks that I can't do it. And obviously, she knows that it's going to be quite difficult for me. Especially, considering the major event that happened.

But when I set my mind on something, I can do it. Although it's been quite a while since I last achieved it - I think the last time round, was in 2003 to 2004.

I'm picking up on the challenge and I'm going to win it. Even if it kills me.

******************************************************

Next 2 weeks is an important week for the biz.

I'm excited but I'm containing myself preparing myself to not be disappointed, just in case, both deals don't go my way. But yes, would love to get the deals - both of them. It would be a great personal achievement for me.

God knows how much I want it - it's such a great opportunity and it's not a window that will open for many. I may just be lucky.

Be still, my beating heart. If it's meant to be your rezeki, it will be. If not - then it's not meant to be yours. Such is God's will.

And at least, in my personal life - I SO understand what that phrase means. Hell, I'm a veteran at it. It's just a matter of applying it to the biz now.

Pray for me, folks!

**********************************************

My mother passed on at 64 years old, 2 years ago on the 24th. My father passed away 21 years ago, on the 21st. She was 64, he was a youthful 51.

No one knows how long they're going to live. One can live up to 100 or die tomorrow, depending on what God has planned for us.

If I live as long as my late mother, I'm about halfway through, give or take. If I live as long as my late father, I'm more than 60% done with my life's journey. If I live longer than either of them, every single year I have would be a bonus, I feel.

And I guess that's why the next birthday coming up in Syawal, bothers me a little.

In my mind, when you're at least, halfway through - you should stop looking for directions and be set on a path, already.

It's like doing a Ph.D - the initial part is to read and explore all the branches of knowledge in your resaerch area. But at one point, you've got to stop having such a diverse set of options and commit to a tiny branch of a research topic that you'd like to follow through on. You can't still be "gliding" in the final year of your Ph.D - still asking questions about what you're supposed to do.

Life is short and there is so much to do, to achieve, to experience, for oneself. And to grow and nurture for others.

I think I've asked more questions in this short lifetime, than a lot of people have - and fought on many more emotional battlegrounds, too. There are many scars to show, for everything - some cutting so deep inside that no amount of time, will heal it. It's permanent.

But I guess I never expected to be where I am right now - at my age. There are so many basic experiences which come so easily to so many others - which I can only look forward to experiencing - without ever knowing, whether I'll ever get there.

There was a time when I used to believe - now, I'm not so sure anymore. Now, I pray for strength and patience, for the things that may or may not come. As long as I don't break like Eusoffee Abdoolcader did. God forbid.

Yes, I'm scared sometimes that I'm running out of time. And a little frightened that my youth and health will leave me, before some of the important things in life - like parenthood - arrives. Hani Mohsin dropping dead at 41 does not help the confidence, any.

But I must be true to my nature, myself and others.

Stay the course and do it right, this time. I'm too old to be gambling my life and the lives of others, just because I'm afraid. No - this time, it must feel right. All good things must be built on correct and strong foundations.

And I know what my foundation is - and I should never be tempted to compromise, for I will only hurt myself and others. It's all or nothing.

Not a birthday I'm looking forward to. But maybe Syawal will change my mind.

Who knows?

Never Say Goodbye

2006-08-18T13:53:00.000-07:00

Kabhi Alvida Naa Kehna (which means "Never Say Goodbye" in Hindi) is the superbly talented Karan Johar's latest movie.

(For those not in the know, Karan Johar is one of the most talented directors in Bollywood and ranks up there with the likes of Yash Chopra and Sanjay Leela Bansali. Karan is also the host of the popular talk show "Coffee with Karan")

And I dare say, it's his best movie so far, after "Kabhi Kushi Kabhi Gham" and "Kal Ho Naa Ho". The screen chemistry between Shah Rukh Khan and my favourite Hindi actress, Rani Mukherjee, was absolutely sizzling. And the supporting cast of Amitabh Bachchan, Abishek Bachchan and the sultry Preity Zinta made a splendid trio, too.

Of all the Hindi movies I've ever watched in my life, THIS is the movie that I identified with the most. Most of the feelings, issues and dilemmas highlighted in the exquisite storytelling were all too familiar.

And it made me realize 2 things.

First, that the only thing scarier than stepping into a marriage for me - is stepping into a second marriage, after my first one has failed.

You're a lot more cautious the 2nd time round - you second guess all of your own judgements and you rely a lot less on your faith in the future and more on the degree of certainty, in the present. The anxiety of having to get it absolutely right, is nothing short of murder.

Secondly, as Xena had said it after watching the movie - one should always remember lessons from past mistakes, so as not to repeat them.

Once you know yourself and your own true nature, have the courage to follow through on what you already know - and resist the temptation to compromise for less. It will only lead to sadness for all, in the long run.

Hindi movies today (especially the ones made by Karan Johar) are closer to realities in life, than you think.

Definitely, a case of art imitating life.

***********************************************

At many junctures in my life, I have chosen to be unorthodox in my approach towards life. Sometimes, I reject the mainstream way of doing things because I derive much pleasure and spiritual and emotional nourishment from breaking the mould.

But sometimes, I wonder whether my choices have cornered me.

Yes, I'm happy with being different - but will my loved ones ever understand my choices? Or more importantly, will they accept it? Does truth override perception? Does sincerity of friendship overcome public pressure to conform - of being told by others who are more lost than you are, that there is a "right" way of doing things?

Going against the grain, always has a price to be paid - usually, a personal one.

Sometimes, I feel that the lives of those who are never filled with a desire to fight the tide, are blessed. They will always be mainstream, they will always be approved of. They will always make money, by going with the flow - whatever its wider implications to others.

And best of all, they never know what they've missed by being in the mainstream.

Me? I enjoy being on the on the non-mainstream fringe.

Where the texture of life is different, richer on many different levels, more colourful and passionate. Where you live by your own measure and try to not get bogged down by expectations of loved ones and society and the pressure of conformity.

But being different isn't always easy. If you choose to be different - be prepared that one day, your values will be questioned and challenged by the majority who think that there is only one viewpoint that's correct.

In the world of black and grey, there is no space for rainbow colours.

Kesyukuran

2006-07-07T12:35:00.000-07:00

Aku bersyukur, Ar-Rahman
Atas segala rahmatmu padaku
yang melimpah ruah;

Aku bersyukur Ar-Rahman
Untuk usia yang panjang,
Untuk suburnya tubuh badan, akal fikiran dan bakat asahan
Untuk insan istimewa yang tersayang dan menyayangi,
Untuk rakan tawa yang ramai, baik teman menangis yang setia
Untuk pendirian individu dalam masyarakat biri-biri

Aku bersyukur, Ar-Rahman
Untuk kedua orang tua yang mengajarku erti dan nilai adab
dan hidup,
Untuk rezeki yang tidak pernah putus dan kejayaan yang menyenangkan
Untuk jiwa yang makin kenal akan beza kaca permata
Untuk semangat yang tidak pernah dan tidak bisa padam

Aku bersyukur, Ar-Rahman
Atas gagal dan kecewa silam yang mengajarku
manisnya kebahagiaan hari ini,
Atas pemimpin rakus sesat yang mengingatkanku akan maksud
tanggungjawab dan amanah,
Atas takdir pahit yang mengasuh sifat sabar dan redhaku
mengelak kacamata tua, penat dan sinis

Aku bersyukur, Ar-Rahman
Atas limpah kurnia Mu.
Kerna kerapnya aku dalam alpa kesian diri
hingga terlamun lalai dan lupa menghargai
kesan rahmat baik buruk
hidup di dunia ini.

Aku bersyukur, Ar-Rahman
Untuk segala cerita masa depan
yang telah termaktub,
tapi belum lagi dialami.

Stingray
8 Julai 2006

Of Leaders and Power

2006-07-03T01:02:00.000-07:00

Just some quotes, to give a perspective on leaders, both young and old and why they do what they do.

*****************************************************************

"Good intentions will always be pleaded for every assumption of authority. It is hardly too strong to say that the Constitution was made to guard the people against the dangers of good intentions.

There are men in all ages who mean to govern well, but they mean to govern. They promise to be good masters, but they mean to be masters."

- Senator Daniel Webster, June 17, 1825 from a speech commemorating the soldiers of the American Revolution

"What are the sources of this desire to be at the center stage, to be admired and adored, to have influence and power?

This desire, this need, is so overpowering in certain people that it seems to be the only thing that gives meaning to their life.

It seems as if the position of leadership offers the only salvation and without it, death, which is forever knocking on the door, is the only alternative."

- Micha Popper from the book, "Hypnotic Leadership: Leaders, Followers and the Loss of Self"

No End In Sight

2006-07-02T17:47:00.000-07:00

The conflict between Pak Lah and Tun Dr Mahathir, does not seem to be easing down despite mediation attempts by Tan Sri Khalil Yaakob - the current governor of Melaka and former Pahang Chief Minister.

It seems that Tun Mahathir still wants answers from Pak Lah on the 4 questions that he posed - and he seems to want the answers to come from Pak Lah, directly.

Whether he wants the replies given on a personal basis or announced to the public, is still unclear - although the signs are there, that he desires the latter. One wonders how this would lead to less conflict, though.

So far, the replies to Tun Mahathir's questions on both Proton (by Azlan Hashim, the Proton Chairman) and the bridge issue (by our Foreign Minister) has been forthcoming, but neither seems complete or to squarely answer the questions that Tun has asked.

Azlan Hashim's answers on Proton is nothing more than a repetition of the first explanation he gave (without details on the procedure of sale and the party purchasing MV Augusta) and certainly did not cover the reasons for the removal of Tengku Mahaleel.

Dato' Seri Syed Hamid Albar's replies on the other hand (on Singapore being the one asking for us to sell sand, a request which he claims has been forthcoming since under Tun Mahathir's administration) sounds like a half-clever explanation, but without actually relating it, to the half-bridge project and as to why it was called off.

But I guess the point that he was refuting was that the offer to sell sand to Singapore, came from Malaysia - the request came from Singapore, all along.

In effect, he's trying to quash any suspicions that the offer to sell sand came from parties that gained to benefit from the sale of sand, from the Malaysian side - which was what Tun Mahathir was implying.

Now, Tun Mahathir wants proof of such a thing - he's asking for the relevant documents recording such a request by Singapore and on the negotiations relating to the bridge, to be de-classified. Seemingly, the documents are still under the ambit of the Official Secrets Act, although it's not standard practice for governments to de-classify official secrets documents that are less than 20-30 years old.

And of course, currently, there are also allegations by the former Prime Minister that there are "3rd parties" controlling the administration.

The insinuations on "Oxbridge" qualifications and mention of the "4th floor" (where the PM's Policy and Communications Division is located) also implies that Pak Lah's son-in-law, Khairy Jamaluddin, is the one pulling the strings (even though he's not holding an official position there, anymore)

How these alleged "3rd parties" could control the collective decisions of the Cabinet, with Pak Lah's consultative and mild-mannered disposition, is a great mystery to me, though.

Most of all, it does not reflect well on the Ministers within the Cabinet.

The allegation, if true, says one of two things: either they don't know what they're doing or have collectively decided on and supported; or their collective hands have been tied, by the machinations of a 30-year old UMNO Youth politician, who happens to be the son-in-law of the Prime Minister.

Either ways, these are the sort of things that could rock the present-day Government. Between incompetence and complicity with a 3rd party, the Cabinet Ministers are looking a little untrustworthy.

*************************************************

Replies or no replies, mediation or no mediation by 3rd parties - this conflict is promising to be a long, dragging one. And one which threatens to split UMNO at the very core and affect political and economic stability.

And let's face it - the allegations are receiving undue attention from the public and the Opposition - not because of the gravity of the issues or the decisions per se - but because of the gravitas of the person saying it - a revered former Prime Minister of Malaysia, for 22 years.

It should be about accountability to the public, but in truth, it is about accountability to the former Prime Minister - because no questions would be as well-entertained by the Government of Malaysia - if they had been asked by Lim Kit Siang.

If we assume that if the persistent Tun Mahathir does not want this solved behind closed doors - and he wants the truth of the issues to be exposed publicly - it is obvious that there are end-objectives to this. What are these end-objectives, possibly?

Is it the early "retirement" of the alleged 3rd parties controlling the administration? (i.e. Khairy Jamaluddin, the 4th floor in Putrajaya and as accused by Matthias Chang, Datuk Kalimullah from New Straits Times?)

Is it the replacement of some members of the senior board members in Proton, whose answers on the procedure of sale of MV Augusta, has been less than satisfactory?

Is it the removal from the Cabinet of some of the Ministers involved in the 4 questions that Tun Mahathir has raised - namely, Dato' Seri Rafidah Aziz (on the AP issue) and Dato' Seri Syed Hamid Albar (on the half-bridge issue)? And perhaps, Dato' Seri Nazri Aziz, as well, for the way that he's replied to Tun Mahathir?

Or failing any of the above three - is it the early retirement of Pak Lah, himself?

Of course, no one is saying that Tun Mahathir could achieve any of the above - if they indeed, be his end-objectives. But it is quite enough that he is determined to achieve those objectives - that will make him the most painful headache for the Government of the day.

Never underestimate the influence of a former UMNO president - and if he's Dr Mahathir, double your guard.

********************************************************

Of the 4 issues, 3 issues are related to Proton - the sale of MV Augusta, the removal of Tengku Mahaleel as CEO of Proton and the issuance opf the AP issue (which Dr Mahathir has claimed has severely affected Proton's competitiveness in the local market)

When it comes to Proton, I think Malaysians are a hypocritical and ambivalent lot.

The concern is more of the fact that Proton as a Malaysian GLC should be run well and no public funds (or indirect subsidies, through taxes on foreign cars) should be extended from public funds to save it, in the form of a bail-out (like we've had to do for Malaysia Airlines, repeatedly).

But if we look at Proton's declining market share in the last few years (from above 60%, down to 30% now) - it proves that Malaysians have no love lost for the national car.

It's true what Tun Mahathir claims - that the APs given to Korean cars in the last few years, (like Kia or Hyundai) has greatly affected Proton's market share.

But if we're honest to ourselves, we would see that the biggest damage to Proton's market share has been inflicted by the Japanese cars like Toyota and Honda (or Japanese-owned national cars, like Perodua), who has gained the biggest market share, for cars below RM120K.

The truth is: Given the correct pricing and affordability range, Malaysians would consider a foreign make first, ahead of the national car. Even if they had to spend a little (or sometimes, a lot) more.

if Malaysians had to spend more 15K-20K more to get a Honda City, as compared to Proton Waja, they would. Or if they had to spend 15K-20K more to get a Corolla Altis or a Honda Civic, instead of a Perdana, they would.

And if most of them had to choose between the Toyota-owned Perodua MyVi and Proton Savvy - the winner is a no-brainer, despite being more expensive. The MyVi sales in the last 1 year, (about 40,000+ units)speak for themselves.

And for some families who prize functionality over looks, the 7-seater Toyota Avanza at close to 60K, would override their preference for Proton compact cars like Wira and Gen2. Just because it's a Toyota.

And of course, the popularity of the Hyundai models like Getz, Accent, Atos and Elantra has also affected the Proton market share too, where it competes in the same segments. Not to mention the rebadged Naza Citra, Naza Ria, Kia Spectra, Kia Novus, the Daewoo-made Chevy Aveo, etc.

But the Korean cars are only a contributing factor - the problem with Proton remains, at the very least, the public perception of its quality - in comparison to the other cars, especially the Japanese makes (including Perodua).

And it's a pity really, because from an exterior design perspective - Malaysians can design cars. Models like the Gen 2 and Satria Neo is ultimate proof of this - they're nicer and sleeker, than the models that the Koreans have to offer, in the same segment.

What's my point? The issues surrounding Proton from the 3 questions asked by Tun Mahathir will not be able to rock the Abdullah admnistration - when it comes to cars, price and perception of quality is king.

Malaysians will not shed a tear for Proton, for as long as they have access to cheaper cars. The significance of selling a strategic technology component for engine development within Proton, may be lost on them - why should they care if they're going to buy a Honda or a Toyota?

The only problem is - it's a self-fulfilling prophecy. Proton's major problem is that it cannot really sell cars, be it domestically or internationally. The more Proton's market share dwindles, the more unlikely it will be able to sustain itself in the future, without making further losses and without receiving Government support.

And this is the crux of Tun's argument on Proton - that Proton needs (more) time (and the right people) to build capabilities, to instill quality and to compete with the foreign makes.

And issues like the removal of Tengku Mahaleel, the sale of MV Augusta and the many APs issued to Korean cars - essentially, revolves around Proton's viability and survival - and where the Government stands on such issues. Because Dr Mahathir knows that the Malaysian car buyer, will not stand alongside Proton right now.

And therein lies the problem, in the muted public response to this issue and the 3 questions (aside from the fact that they think Tun Mahathir deserves an answer, even if it's not a very good one).

If they won't buy a Proton, would they care for Proton?

*******************************************************

It's the half-bridge issue that's a little tricky.

The allegations of selling out one's national sovereignty is a serious one. And selling it to the Singaporeans, whom Malaysians generally have a love-hate relationship with, makes the issue more difficult.

On this particular issue, I think Dr Mahathir stands on solid ground - because it's an issue which most Malaysians feel strongly about. Malaysians hate sell-outs, at the Government level.

And the allegations are serious - that someone in the Government is willing to sell sand to the Singaporeans to make money, at the risk inflicting economic damage on Malaysia. And that they're also willing to trade our air space in, as part of the negotiations of a full bridge.

And it even gets more compelling when there are insinuations that the companies selling the sand are linked to either the alleged "3rd parties" or to the Foreign Minister himself!

It is on this issue that Pak Lah will have to tread carefully.

Perhaps, it is wise for the Cabinet to revisit the half-bridge issue and reconsider building it, on the side of the Malaysian waters. This is especially so, if compensating the parties involved (like Gerbang Perdana and Johor state government) will cost almost just as much, as building the bridge. Better to pay for something, than to pay for nothing.

And I'm just counting the financial cost. The political cost could be fatal to Pak Lah - if the "national soverignty sell-out" allegations are proven to be true.

Sometimes, it is better to lose face than to lose the roof over your head, defending a mistake. Especially, if it's a Seri Perdana roof and you've got 24 million citizens under your leadership.

******************************************************

But this battle will be long and protracted - if Tun Mahathir does not get what he wants. A compromise here, would involve both parties getting a little of what they want. A win some, lose some for both parties. If one party tries to get all, both sides will be destroyed - regardless of who wins. UMNO will be severely damaged.

And needless to say, heads must roll. Heads in the Cabinet, heads in Proton and more likely, heads of some of the alleged "3rd parties" too. I can't imagine Tun Mahathir being satisfied with anything less.

One prays for wisdom from both sides. Jangan sampai jadi "menang bersorak, kampung tergadai". It would be a betrayal of the trust that the people have instilled in UMNO.

Both parties must remember that there are still 24 million Malaysians that still have to survive, in these challenging economic times and a rapidly globalizing world. And they will need a strong Government that focuses more on work and development, than politicking.

If we slip up on our development plans within the next 5 years, playing catch-up with other parts of the world, would be next to impossible. And by then, half a bridge or half a national car company, for that matter, would not matter, if our people are struggling to make ends meet.

This current situation reminds me of a line from the movie "Troy" - "War is a time when old leaders fight and young soldiers die".

Will our current leaders sacrifice the young and future generations, to satisfy their desires and squabbles?

May God save Malaysia.

Why The World Needs Superman

2006-06-30T05:39:00.000-07:00

The first movie I've ever watched in my life is "Superman".

I can't remember exactly how old I was, but my uncle brought me to a cinema in Kota Bharu, Kelantan. I was thrilled to pieces!

It was significant - because no matter how many times I've watched "Superman" - the thrill remains the same. Maybe it's the music. Maybe it's just the ability to fly and to see through everything, except led. Or to save people from disasters, catastrophies, and baddies.

Or maybe it's the scene where Superman took Lois Lane flying - I believe that's the earliest romantic scene that I could remember. And it involved a flying man.

Is it any wonder that my expectations of myself and the world, are sometimes, not grounded?

Watching "Superman Returns" last night brought back many, many memories.

Quietly, I missed the simplicity of being a child in a cinema, watching his first movie - where the world was simpler and more 2-dimensional, where people were nicer to one another and if all else failed - there was Superman to save the day.

In a world where we don't even have enough Clark Kents, would it be hoping too much to ask for a Superman, in some of us?

God knows the world needs it, today.

Something Unexpected

2006-06-28T09:52:00.000-07:00

She came into my life, in an unexpected fashion.

If anyone had told me a few months ago that I'd be spending time with her on a regular basis - I would say that the person was dreaming. There's no possible way that I could imagine that this girl will be spending time, to get to know me, romantically.

And now, it feels like I'm dreaming. And the dream has still not ended.

There's been quite a few dates between us. And the comfort level keeps getting deeper and deeper. She's got a keen and mature sensibility, exceeding her age.

It's as if I've known her for a lifetime. I feel totally at ease, totally myself. I've been honest to hear about my past, my deepest dreams, hopes, fears and insecurities and it doesn't seem like she's heading for the door yet.

And I've even been honest about my attraction to her. And she has pretty much indicated that she felt the same. And I guess we're both curious to see where this would lead to.

You were something unexpected in my life, S.

You're like a breath of fresh air - sincere, loving, magnetic, confident, open and honest. You walk the talk, you're clear about who you are and what you want. You make me feel special and wanted.

And more importantly, there are no 3rd parties involved - it's been a while since I entertained the thought that a woman I have feelings for would want to be mine, and mine alone.

But here I am - happy in the current day and enjoying the moment. And excited about future possibilities.

Thank God for the surprises in life. :)

Football Philosophy

2006-06-26T11:03:00.000-07:00

In the Australia vs Italy match tonight in the World Cup, the Australians put up a gallant display against the Italians.

In fact, some would argue that the Australians played better overall, regardless of whether they were playing against an Italian side of 11 or 10 people (which happened after Mezzorotti was awarded a red card for a brutal tackle).

But they lost the game 0-1, due to a penalty kick awarded to the Italians in the 95th minute of the game.

The Italians (whom were playing with 10 men) fought their hearts out so that the game would not go into extra time, while the Australians were obviously preparing for the game to stretch into an extra 30 minutes and hoping to bank on their 1-man advantage, on the field.

But it was the comment by our own Serbegeth Singh on this game, that caught my attention.

"In football, there is no waiting for the extra time. You've got to give it your all NOW, because you might not get the extra time".

It's a bit like life, isn't it?

The Australians paid dearly for that assumption - so might we, if we worked on the same set of assumptions in life. That there's always extra time in the future to look forward to.

There might not be "extra time" and 2nd chances in life. Sometimes, the only chance you get, is that short window of opportunity, to give it your all and to try to succeed.

If you succeed before the window shuts, you would have gained from making the correct move. If the window shuts before you succeed, at least you'll go down fighting, but it was just not meant to be.

And sometimes, just like the Aussies, you realize too late that the window has shut on you and all you can do, is to regret, learn from it and move on with life. And you jot it down to experience, so that you'll make better decisions in life, one day.

We don't control the outcomes - just our choices, effort and commitment.

Dilemma

2006-06-26T05:26:00.000-07:00

Hypothetical question:

If you had to choose between these two options, which would you take?

a)something that feels perfect in the wrongest of situations, with an uncertain future outcome ; OR

b)something that feels good in an average situation, but with great potential, where the outcome is likely to be as you predicted it

I probably already know what my answer would be. But I just need to know what you guys think.

And when you're giving your answers, please specify your gender. I'm just hunting for statistical correlation, if any. ;)

Bebas Tanpa Adab?

2006-06-22T19:35:00.000-07:00

Ini negara demokratik, katamu
Hari ini zaman Internet dan
bebas mutlak,
Tika ini, hak melaung pada rakyat, katamu
Tiada lagi pimpinan politikus rakus
bisa menindas

Hari ini rakyat lebih bijak, katamu
Selautan manusia diiktiraf ijazah
yang tidak rela diperbodoh,
Kita menuntut hak suci rakyat
untuk bersuara, untuk menanya,
Untuk memerah jawab dalih
si pemerintah

Lalu kau pekikkan dakwamu di medan rakyat
di Internet,
Tanpa usual siasat, tanpa adab,
Budi bahasa ditelanjangkan
diperkosa perucapan sinis dan celupar,
Merojakkan yang benar, dusta dan fitnah
tanpa menimbang kezaliman,
Demi menunjukkan belang jantan bebasmu

Kerana ini hakmu, jelasmu
Ini hak maktub demos kratia
Ini kudrat rakyat,
Bukan salah untuk menyoal
walau adabmu menyimpang,
Niat menghalalkan cara, fikirmu

Wahai anak Melayu,
Lupakah kamu adabmu, ugamamu?
Bebas yang tidak beralaskan adab
budi pekerti,
Debat yang tidak berkiblatkan ilmu hakiki,
tapi nafsu binatang yang
memamah hati saudara maupun lawan,
janji menang, menyuap api egois semata

Tidak bebas,
salakan tanpa akal budi pekerti,
Itu naluri si anjing
Tidak bebas,
berpuak membelakangkan yang benar
Itu anutan si jahiliyah

Bebas yang benar
Meninggikan martabat manusia
dari binatang,
Berniat murni, bersandar ikhlas,
bertindak telus, wajar dan ma'aruf,
bukan megah, mendabik dada
mengaum buas, di dalam lumpur.

Bukan bebas,
bangsa yang melupuskan adab halus murni,
bertopengkan kemodenan sesat yang hancur.
Persiaan saja ruang bebas berfikir,
Jika kau hanya ingin bebas,
tanpa berfikir.

Stingray
23 Jun 2006

Singles

2006-06-22T04:44:00.000-07:00

I'm about 14 years late, in catching this movie.

But on Acat's strong persuasion and with The Boys strongly agreeing with him, I thought I'd invest 2 hours of my time, watching a 1992 movie called "Singles".

As the name implies, the story is about single people - the many types of them, the various dilemmas that they face in their solitary lives and the complexities involved in their relationships.

And I must say I'm glad Acat persuaded me to watch the DVD. It's highly entertaining and has all the rare elements of a good thinking movie - brutally honest, asked a lot of questions, provides a lot of interesting observations, does not pretend to have all the answers, sweet, humourous, vulnerable yet funny.

Anyone whose been single would be able to identify with the issues that the characters faced. And yes, I could identify with one of the characters in there, especially.

And almost all of the star-studded cast have gone on to do bigger things since then - Matt Dillon, (recently nominated for an Academy Award for his role in "Crash") Bridget Fonda, Scott Campbell (of "Dying Young" fame), Kyra Sedgwick (or the prettier half of Kevin Bacon's family) and Sheila Kelly (who had a stint in LA Law).

To anyone who hasn't watched it yet - I'm a "Singles" convert now and like Acat, I'd totally recommend it. It's a good 2-hour investment on a comfy couch.

Personally, I think I should have watched it earlier. Thanks Acat, for pushing me to watch this! :)

Unconditional

2006-06-18T19:47:00.000-07:00

It felt awkward seeing her again, initially. It had been a while since we've last talked.

And that was deliberate.

But there's something about her family that makes me feel welcome. Her mother (who we fondly refer to as Ummi), her cousins, her 2 children from a previous marriage. Whenever I'm in their place, I don't feel like a guest - I feel like one of them. The chemistry is just so natural - the comfort level, all too familiar.

It's as if there was never a break of silence, between us.

I didn't plan to be there. But I thought that it would only be respectful to accede to her mother's request, for me to pay a visit, in the brief time that Ummi will be in town.

Plus, since I don't have a mother anymore - I thought it'd be nice to spend some time with Ummi, who thought well of me.

********************************************

Yes, I still feel something for her daughter. I'd be lying if I said that I didn't. Sometimes, circumstances in life requires us to move on, even when our heart is still in the same place. And being adults, we move on, like we should. Like what is expected of us.

But as the night progressed, I'm reminded of why I fell for her, in the first place. It's the many sides of her - her girlish, feminine and laidback nature, the responsible woman that she's had to be, the loving mother that she naturally is, always gauging whether she's giving enough of the best to her children.

Sometimes, there's so much joy and laughter on the surface that masks so much pain, mistakes and experience from the past. In that sense, we're similar - although I think she's survived more emotional tragedies, than I have.

Her depth of feeling and understanding of the many facets of emotions and life experiences seems to be almost unrivalled, in anyone I know. And she's far stronger than I am - she could tell herself what to feel and what not to feel.

It's not a perfect way to handle things, but considering the burden of love that she's carrying in life - she's held out, pretty amazingly.

And even when she doesn't say it - I know that she just wants someone whom she loves, to take care of her. To take all the difficulties away, if not share it, through this lifetime. And God knows she deserves it and I wish for nothing else for her.

And sometimes, I wish I was that man.

Because I'm still love with her, if I care to admit it. Because I know I can take care of her and the kids and fill in the blanks of affection and care, where it exists. And most of all, because I want to - so much.

But I am not that lucky man. And I will never be.

********************************************************

One of the the best things that I've ever been privy to see from up close, is her interaction with her children.

She's firm and fair, but rarely hard on them. There's a constant supply of open displays of affection - I don't think her kids will ever starve of attention and affection. Hugs, kisses and cuddles seem to be a natural part of how this little family works.

She reasons with them, as opposed to just telling them what to do. She's got them on a disciplined routine, but she gives them a lot of space to decide what they'd like to do with the time that they have.

And she's always very conscious of what she's not doing enough for them - sometimes, being entirely too hard on herself, for circumstances which are not necessarily in her control.

She's a single parent and it's not a perfect family. But as mother, she gets full marks from me, for making the perfect attempt.

And although she doesn't say it - I can see it in her eyes, that these children are her life, her meaning of existence. The one responsibility, that she's determined not to fail at.

Syurga di telapak kaki ibu - as the Malay saying goes. Seeing her in action with her kids, makes me understand why.

The unconditional sacrifices of good mothers for the sake of their children, are beyond worldly measures. And the only just rewards for honouring them, can only be heavenly. In almost every religion, the position of the mother, is sacred.

I would have fallen for this woman, just for the person that she is - even if it comes with the confusion, hurt, complications and all.

But the mother that she is - there's nothing untrue or insincere about it. She's full of good intentions for the children and she walks the talk, never wanting to fall short of their happiness. This is the side of her that the outside world rarely sees. This is her, at her limitless best.

The true miracle of a woman's love, is her unconditional love of her children.

All other forms of love, pale in comparison and bow in submission to this love. For truly, it is one of God's great miracles.

Like Coming Home

2006-06-09T11:48:00.000-07:00

2 nights ago, I went to the Council meeting of The NGO. It's my first one, in quite a long time. I haven't been focusing much on The NGO, since I retired as Council Member last year.

But I've forgotten how much I enjoyed the meetings, with this bunch. The Prince and his dedicated Council Members. Well, most of them are dedicated anyway.

Some of them are like family to me. Years of friendship and collaborations, under our belt. So many shared experiences of working together. So many bittersweet memories of joy and disappointments. So much laughter shared, yet with some of The NGO's stalwarts, their commitment is undying.

But much has been done in the last few years. And we've seen quite a few of our input and suggestions make it to the 9th Malaysia Plan. Took the Government 5 years to listen, but at least, the Abdullah administration is listening and executing. I must admit, it somewhat heals the frustration of waiting - when the fruits of your labour, finally arrive.

I like being in The NGO. We've never had an ambitious power crazy President - all the past presidents and the current president are great people and the sort of human beings, you're proud to associate yourself with.

And the Council Members have achieved much together and are committed to delivering our promises to our members and the participants of our industry. We're a quiet small group of 10-15 people of all races, but we're effective. And there is absolutely no politicking since inception till now.

And I realized one thing.

I miss all of this. I miss contributing. I miss the camaraderie. I miss how alive I feel when I'm in this group and how meaningful it is, for us to be here.

And although it's not time to return yet as Council Member, because I'm focusing on my business first, at least for another year - but I guess I do want to spend some more time, contributing to The NGO and to the industry.

I belong here and I'm welcome here. And I can't deny that. This is home.

Dr M's First Shot

2006-06-08T02:43:00.000-07:00

It finally happened today - Tun Dr Mahathir came out blazing in the newspapers and expressed his full disappointment with the Abdullah administration and the promises made to him by Pak Lah, which were not kept.

He complained of being back-stabbed by the people he picked in the past and also commented that he suffered "minor bruises", when asked if Pak Lah had done the same to him.

He also claimed that people in the Abdullah administration claimed that he had "bankrupted" the Government, after building the mega-projects like Putrajaya.

He even implied that he's chosen the wrong successor by saying that Pak Lah is not first choice and that he expects "a degree of gratitude".

The phrase "gempar sekampung" to his statements in the press does not even begin to describe it. I've been receiving calls, SMS'es and e-mails all day regarding the issue, from interested friends. It seems to come as quite a shock to many people.

I wasn't surprised - I was expecting Tun to fire the first verbal shot. I was expecting it to come a little later, though. But then, you can never truly predict Tun Mahathir's moves. He's always 3 steps ahead of everyone.

*****************************************************

The swift response by a slew of Ministers was more telling in what they said, as opposed to how many of them, had come to Pak Lah's defence.

I thought Dato' Seri Najib gave the best response that the Prime Minister is not to be blamed for everything, as it is a Cabinet decision. I thought it was good for 2 reasons.

First, that it reaffirms the collective responsibility of the Cabinet, on the policy decisions made by the current Government and that if it was true if there were any mistaken policies in the past administration under Dr. Mahathir, it is also a collective mistake by all those who had also been Cabinet Ministers, back then. (Most of whom are still in the current Cabinet)

Secondly, the only way for a Minister to dissociate oneself from a collective stand, once the policy decision is decided on by the Cabinet - is to resign. And before the issue is decided on, to speak up on the issue and disagree. Silence constitutes consent - blaming the previous or current Prime Minister for all Cabinet decisions made, is tantamount to saying that we have appointed stooges, as our Ministers.

Datuk Azalina Othman Said went one step further, by saying that some decisions were made by Ministers, and only announced by the Prime Minister. She continued to say that to say that Pak Lah unilaterally makes decisions and shoots down the former PM's plans, is not accurate.

Datuk Seri Nazri Aziz's comments, were even more interesting.

He claimed the Abdullah administration never said that the Government has run out of money - although it is common knowledge that the money for 8th Malaysia Plan has been spent 2 years ago! He politely added that they did not blame Dr Mahathir for it. How nice of them not to do so.

**********************************************************

What do I make out of this whole fracas?

First, no promise made by any current Prime Minister to a former Prime Minister can and should be binding, without reference to the Cabinet and the national interest, at that time and going forward, 5-10 years down.

No matter how grateful you are, no such promises should be made (and if Pak Lah made such promises, it's foolish of him). And neither should there be an expectation that such promises would be kept.

Secondly, I don't think Tun Mahathir is trying to topple Pak Lah, as widely speculated. It's not Pak Lah's head that he wants. Listen to what he's been saying in the last few months and you may pick up certain hints, on what he wants.

Yes, I think that he wants certain people around Pak Lah removed from prominence (hints of the persona of Khairy Jamaluddin and Kalimullah Hassan, seem to be peppered all over his interviews)and mention of his dissatisfaction on the handling of the AP issue, still persists.

Yes, I think I think he would want for the railway double-tracking project to continue and perhaps, the scenic half-bridge to Singapore too - for infrastructure development and shipping/logistics strategy (although the merits of the latter is debatable, according to some).

I think he would want to be consulted and not side-lined in Proton-related issues. (It's strange to have be an advisor to a company where certain decisions are not explained to him).

And perhaps, to play a more prominent role in Petronas and on strategic decisions on what to do with its funds.

And occasionally, to be consulted like a one-man policy think-tank on issues, because the Old Man is still as sharp as razor, especially on current economic and foreign policy issues. He's not the Prime Minister anymore - it can't hurt to consult him for advice, on certain issues.

Last but not least, I think he would like a public apology by Pak Lah, from the Abdullah administration. Never underestimate the value of respect, amongst Malay leaders. Everyone wants to be appreciated for their efforts.

I think if all these were conceded to Dr Mahathir, he would leave the Abdullah administration alone. And he will not continue creating ripples within UMNO.

The only question is: will the "price" of what will be asked, possibly, be too high to concede for Pak Lah (personally and administratively) and the country, going forward?

And the bigger question is: if he doesn't get at least half of what he wants - will he persist in his attacks on Pak Lah in UMNO?

***************************************************

Meanwhile, I think it's time the UMNO veterans like Tun Musa Hitam, Tengku Ahmad Rithauddeen, Tan Sri Aishah Ghani and Tan Sri Sanusi Junid play a mediating role between Dr Mahathir and Pak Lah, before things get really ugly in UMNO.

Some things are more suited to being settled behind closed doors and by people who no longer have a conflict of interest - as they're not in the Cabinet.

Since 1981, every 10-12 years or so, there is a huge split in UMNO.

This is (possibly) the 3rd time it's happening and this time, it's the first time that Dr Mahathir is not the Prime Minister. But as Anwar Ibrahim has pointed out - it would a mistake to underestimate Dr Mahathir.

Tun Ling Liong Sik once said that a former President of a Barisan component party can always swing at least 30% of the party's votes. Considering the significance of Dr Mahathir's influence in UMNO, it will not be impossible (though difficult) for him to swing another 21% to him, if the intent was to for him to return as UMNO President and remove Pak Lah.

The capacity is there, perhaps. But as I said - I don't think that's his intent, unless he feels that it's his only option.

The best solution here, I feel, is for the UMNO veterans to broker some sort of compromise between both parties, based on what both parties desire - preferably, a compromise that can be reached before the UMNO General Assembly.

Let's avoid another unnecessary split amongst the Malays, which will not only undermine Malay progress, but also threatens to derail Malaysia's national development, as a whole.

Every time we split UMNO and the Malay community into two, we segregate and exclude half of our talent pool, from the benefits of development - just because politics warrants it so. It's emotionally exhausting and frustrating, for most.

The competitive world is leaving us behind, as we habitually split our community, every 10 years or so. It's time for UMNO to mature from past lessons and make the best of what we have, in unity.

And yet, I see so many of the young ones out there, goading and egging for a political fight. They want to see "political blood" spilled and prominent figures fall, without considering the consequences of a political split, on everyday Malaysians. Knowing what's right is not enough, unless you do things in a proper way.

Work doesn't get done in Government when they have to focus on politicking and survival in their party. Ministers will spend more time campaigning than doing actual work. Than studying whether the Government policies are correct and suitable, or not and whether implementation is done efficiently.

And when work doesn't get done or is delayed - it is the people that suffer, especially the poor. How many of these sort of years has Malaysia had in the past? How much time and resources has been wasted in defeating the other party, whose your own kind?

There is a time to fight, and there is a time not to fight. Wisdom lies is in knowing the right time, for each one.

Lessons in Life from Bowling

2006-06-05T11:32:00.000-07:00

Life's a lot like bowling, if you ask me.

You're playing your own game and only you can determine how well you do. Sometimes, you play the game alone and sometimes, you play it as part of a team. But it's still only your game that you have control over - you don't have any control over anyone else's game.

Sometimes, you play badly and you drag the team down. Sometimes, you're the one that plays well and you compensate for the bad games of others. And sometimes, even the fact that you played well, is not enough to ensure victory.

If you're in a competition, you're actually playing against yourself. The fact that you play well, doesn't make anyone else worse off, directly.

The victor in each competition is the person who plays the best game, against himself and his own limits.

You can choose whatever method of delivery you want - stroker, cranker, spinner, lofter, snapper. You can choose to play a straight ball, a spin ball, a hook ball or a big-hooked curve ball. You can choose the ball surface that suits the lane and your game best - it could be made of reactive plastic, urethane, rubber or polyester.

You can choose where you play, be it at different bowling alleys and on what type of surface - oily lanes, short-oiled lanes, long-oiled lanes, dry lanes, striped oiling, etc. You could have your own equipment or you can use the house equipment. You can throw with your right hand, or even your left hand.

On some days, you play really well and you manage to string a bunch of consecutive strikes. On some days, you have no open frames - you at least, pick up a spare on every frame.

And on some other days - it can be tough going. Your ball is flat in impact and you keep getting the splits, regardless of what you do. Or you release it wrongly and you get a gutter ball on your first throw. Or you've done everything correctly, yet only to have your foot trip over the foul line, setting it off.

It's a game that gives you complete freedom - to play and to adapt, in any way you want it. You choose your style. You choose your equipment. You can choose a free wrist or to wear a wristguard. You adjust your game or equipment, according to the lane conditions and occasionally, to the weight of the pins.

Some people get coached and have a headstart, because they have better technique than
you. Some people have more money to throw - so they get to train more, have more type of bowling balls and have more exposure than you.

But none of that necessarily determines the winners - guts, the ability to adjust, knowledge, passion, focus and a cool head, is what usually differentiates the winners from those who don't win so often.

And everyone has a different meaning of what playing well, means. A 200 pins average is good for someone who usually averages 180, but it's low for someone who averages 220 pins. The only gauge and benchmark, is your own past performance.

Bowling, like life, is in reality, an individual game.

It doesn't make a difference whether you're playing it as an individual player or as a team captain. At the end of the day, it's your own individual score that matters.

But most of all, while winning, losing and playing well matters - don't forget to enjoy the game.

Playing well is not just about exceeding yourself - it's also about enjoying the game, even where you're not playing as well, as you think you should.

It's about your approach, your swing, your balance, your target, your execution, your follow-through and your consistency.

A lot like the qualities required in life, itself. Add focus, determination, patience and passion to that - and you may just have a star player in your hands. And if you're a good winner and a gracious loser - you would have grown beyond what the game can teach you.

But every bowler knows this - win or lose, each strike you get is a little miracle to celebrate, each time. You learn to savour each little moment of achievement - and learn to laugh at the near-misses and the occasional gutter balls. And you savour all the spares and lucky breaks, that you get along the way.

And you make sure that the splits don't break your spirit and to make sure that the next frame, will be the best shot you've ever made.

The most important thing, is to try very hard not to leave any open frames. Because misses can be painful and may be the source of many regrets. They're necessarily a part of the game that will happen before you improve - but with time and experience, you learn not to leave any (or fewer) open frames. And you don't look back - what's more important is the frame that you have not played yet.

It's an individual game. You play alone and it's only your score that will be calculated.

And you're never bigger or more immortal than the game. The game will go on, with or without you. The team will go on, with or without you - be it for better or worse. And you have to learn to let go - because the others must be given the opportunity to learn and make their own mistakes. The game cannot grow, if no one else learns.

And the game will teach you to be gracious about time. A time for everything under the sun. To start, to learn, to grow into a stronger player, to peak and finally, to withdraw - to make way for others, to have their turn to peak.

There will always be others that play better or worse, than you. There will always be someone, who will eventually, break your record. You are not timeless - you will be remembered, celebrated and appreciated today - and yet the day will come, when no one will remember your achievements.

And when you break it down and understand all the things that will come to pass, you realize that the most significant of things, are not necessarily the biggest or most glamorous of things.

You play it for the love of the game. You play it because you enjoy playing your best. You play it because of the camaraderie that the game brings, with fellow bowlers.

You coach others to play the game, because you enjoy seeing the colours that they contribute to the game. You play it, because you're enthralled by the sound of strikes and pins being smashed, even in your sleep.

Separate between what's important and what's not. Separate between what's lasting and what's fleeting and temporary. Separate between the victories that matter and the defeats that builds your character and resilience.

And it'll become much clearer to you, what's most important about the game. And it'll show you, the best way to play the game, without missing anything important or meaningful.

Enjoy your bowling. Embrace your life. The strikes are waiting to be enjoyed.

The Wedding of The Year

2006-06-03T18:39:00.000-07:00

As a divorced guy, I don't really like attending weddings. It's like watching a joyous occasion, through glasses with scratched lenses.

It's not quite the same when your own belief in your own "happily ever after", gets marred by your own personal experiences.

I can't seem to fully enjoy the sweetness of a matrimonial celebration or get carried away with the romantic vibes, words and expressions of the wedding ceremony, anymore - without remembering that I once announced those very same words to the world, at one time.

The most annoying thing is to have your own mind, sprinkle an involuntary pinch of salt, on every expression of romantic love, spoken between the couple. Even though they're not me and they're more likely to succeed in their marriage.

But heck, this entry is not about me. This entry is about the wedding of the year.

**************************************************

Every once in a while, you get an opportunity to attend a wedding that knocks your socks off and leaves you breathlessly impressed.

I was at that wedding last night - where we celebrated the union of the dashing Ruben Emir Gnanalingam, an old buddy from my university days (and the son of the Westport doyen, Tan Sri Gnanalingam) and the lovely and eloquent Ms. Shirieene Hajamaideen.

It was obvious that much thought, detailed preparation and tender loving care had gone into this wedding reception. And it was great seeing everyone in the family and their close friends chipping in, to make it a huge success.

It had all the ingredients of a great Malaysian wedding - a great location (Mandarin Oriental), well-dressed people (in suits and dresses - the guests were dressed to kill and there were so many glamorous looking women, I felt like I was attending the Academy Awards!), a unique concept (all the tables were named after movies), an outstanding dinner, fantastic videos and slides to entertain (lots and lots of details about the married couple, their family and friends), good music and singer selection (I don't think I could have chosen better people than Noryn and Camelia for last night's event), entertaining, humorous and heartfelt speeches (the ones by Tan Sri Gnanalingam and his son, Surin, particularly stood out. And Rekha Sen was stunningly beautiful!), a guest list that reflected the diversity of Malaysia and just the right blend between formality and informality.

And most of all - the event was filled with warmth, love and good wishes all round for the married couple and their families.

And I realized that with some families - it's not wealth, education and achievement that truly distinguishes them - it's the down-to-earth good values that they've inculcated in their children, that make them such well-rounded human beings.

That's the mark of true class and good breeding.

Tan Sri Gnanalingam was not kidding when he said that his 3 main achievements in lfe were Ruben, Surin and Shaline.

I had personally known Ruben, since our university days in 1995 - and he's one of the most straight-talking, warmest and sincerest friends, I know. He's an absolute gem of a human being.

And my takeaway for the night, was a quote that Tan Sri Gnanalingam had quoted in his speech. Apparently, the wise words came from the late Earl Woods who related it to his son, the young golf legend Tiger Woods - and it goes something like this:

"Be a good golfer, but more importantly, be a great person"

Congratulations to you both, Ruben Emir and Shirieene - may your lives together be a joyous and blessed one. InsyaAllah.

Bahagia Yang Relatif

2006-06-03T04:02:00.000-07:00

Dalam keheningan senja,
aku terfikir
Bahagia itu relatif.

Ia bukannya kemurahan
atau kedaifan rezekimu,
Ia adalah hasil ukuran
dan ukiran jiwamu.

Mereka yang atapnya rendah,
mungkin lebih nikmat hidupnya,
lebih aman jiwanya,
dari mereka yang langitnya tinggi;
Lebih tinggi langitmu, lebih luas
ruang kosong yang terasa.

Kerna Tuhan tidak membeda
antara miskin dan kaya,
bijak atau dungu,
cantik atau hodoh,

Bahagia itu terlingkung
dalam acuan unik
keadaan dan nafsu sendiri,
bagai mutiara yang tidak bisa dilihat atau dijual-beli
tapi hanya dapat dirasai

Itu adilnya dunia,
Baik kurang atau lebih rahmatmu,
bahagia manusia itu relatif
tergantung pada puasmu,
mengisi ruang yang kosong.

Sesungguhnya, syurga dunia
hanya habuan mereka yang berusaha,
akur bersabar dan
sentiasa bersyukur.

Destinasi relatif
yang tidak punya
pembaris mutlak
untuk semua.

Stingray
3 Jun 2006

The Hazard of Succeeding a Great Leader

2006-06-02T06:03:00.000-07:00

One of the most fortunate things to have happened to Dato' Seri Najib Razak is that he was not chosen to be the Deputy Prime Minister, after Anwar Ibrahim.

Instead, former Prime Minister, Tun Mahathir Mohamad, chose Dato' Seri Abdullah Ahmad Badawi. I'm sure he had his own reasons for doing so and perhaps, I'm guessing one of Tun's greatest plans was to stop the great split of the Malays, (mainly caused by the rift between PAS and UMNO) by having a successor with strong Islamic credentials.

(And it worked too - the Opposition seems to be less displeased with and less effective against Pak Lah - than some of the people in his own party are)

Anwar Ibrahim might have fit the mould better, if history did not go down the way it did. And if he played it like Pak Lah did - patiently waiting for his turn.

He was a charismatic moderate Islamist, urbane in appearance and seemed larger than life to many in the younger generation.

Although he was nowhere near the pragmatic intellectual giant that Mahathir is - he had his own following from his generation - the generation that was greatly inspired by his student activism and his involvement of the Muslim da'wah movement in Angkatan Belia Islam Malaysia (ABIM).

But the Anwar Ibrahim of today is a mere pale shadow of the the rising star that he once was. Perhaps, the trauma and battling of the last few years, between 1998 and 2004, has broken his spirit. He seems to have lost his gusto and seems content playing on the fringe of Malaysian politics - content, in not being forgotten.

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But let's get back to the main issue of why I think Dato' Seri Najib is lucky to have been passed over, despite being the most popular of the 3 UMNO vice-presidents.

The reason is this: It is the toughest thing in the world, to come after a leader that is perceived by many, to be a great leader.

Especially, when one's leadership style, ability and mannerism differs greatly from the previous leader's.

It's punishing for any UMNO leader to succeed Dr. Mahathir.

He's been there for 22 years - he's governed during the greatest economic boom era that Malaysia has seen, (in between 1987 - 1996), he's seen Malaysians through 2 rounds of economic crisis (one of regional proportion which left some of our neighbouring countries in tatters, economically) and several rounds of political crisis, including the scarring Reformasi era.

He's responsible for many symbols of Malaysian achievement like Amanah Saham Nasional, Proton, Petronas Twin Towers, the Formula 1 track in Sepang, the KL International Airport, KL Tower, Islamic finance, Putrajaya, the Light Rail Transit System, the Multimedia Super Corridor, Malaysia as a manufacturing hub, the creation of Bumiputra millionaires and professional class, etc.

He spoke out on the international front, without fear or favour. And he had many open and quiet supporters in all parts of the world, nodding in agreement with his views. No matter how controversial it was - no matter how big the country he was annoying - Mahathir never backed down. He was the voice of the developing world - one of the louder ones.

And for most in my generation, he's been the only Prime Minister we've ever known. He's our economic security blanket - for as long as Mahathir is around, the economy will prevail and we'll survive through any political crisis. Love him or hate him, but you can't help but begrudgingly respect him.

Deep inside, I know this belief is ingrained within most of the people of my generation. Such is the respect and veneration for Dr. Mahathir.

It reminds me of what Dr. Mahathir used to write of Dato' Onn at one time:

"It is characteristic of the Malays that having once placed their trust and respect in a person, they are loath to revise their opinions, even under altered circumstances. Thus it is no longer their own convictions that count, but those of Dato' Onn".

I think it suffices to say that the above, is now not only a Malay characteristic now.

As far as my generation's regard of Dr. Mahathir is concerned, it has become a Malaysian characteristic.

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It is tough to succeed great leaders.

Pak Lah is not the only unfortunate successor, to have gone through this phenomenon.

The mild-mannered John Major took over from "Iron Lady" Margaret Thatcher and this was followed by a disastrous defeat in the next (*Correction: the one in 1997 not 1992 - thanks to Anon 2 for the correction) general election for the Conservatives, in Britain. A defeat which the Tories have never recovered from, up till today, in Labour-dominated Britain.

Goh Chok Tong took over from the iconic Lee Kuan Yew in Singapore and even though he came to stamp his own personal mark eventually, on Singapore - but all throughout his tenure, he was never quite free from the perception that he was subject to Lee's occasional intervention as Senior Minister on many issues and acted as a "seat warmer" for his successor, Lee Hsien Loong - the son of the Senior Minister.

Harry S. Truman took over from the wheel-chaired but influential and legendary Franklin D. Roosevelt, as the 33rd American President in 1944 and was responsible for many crucial decisions which led to the end of World War 2 - like the bombing of Hiroshima and Nagasaki.

Amongst the significant events during his tenure was the setting up of the United Nations, the Marshall Plan to revive the economies of European countries, the fight against racial discrimination in the civil service, the Korean War and at the same time, achieving a fairly strong economic growth for America.

And although he was by far, a fairer, more principled and ethical man and leader - but he was believed to have been "pressured" into retirement in 1953 over policy disagreements with those within his own party and administration. He decided not to contest in the next election, despite being (barely) re-elected in 1948.

He wasn't remembered as a great or popular American President (not in the same way that Americans remember Franklin Roosevelt) but "Mr Citizen" Truman played a significant role in the course of American and world history.

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When you succeed a great leader - 2 things could happen.

You could do a bad (or even a moderately good) job and be totally reviled for it. Or you could do a great job and still not be quite remembered for it.

And if you haven't got a sparkling personality, striking intellect, a combative stance or the aura of a visionary - your constituents will send you to the dogs.

Electorates are big on people selling them a vision - it'll cloud them so far, that they won't even notice that there's anything wrong. Voters would rather that you lie to them and hide things from them - as long as the perception of rock solid growth and stability remains.

But if you're a leader that just intends to do a good job, be a fair and consultative leader, not sell them a vision but reality, to build democratic institutions, to engender strong national competitive foundations and you're trying to get your constituents to grow as a people - you're in for a tough time. Only divinely guided prophets could survive such a thing.

And if you don't keep your promises and you're not walking your talk - you're likely to be doomed.

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Mere mortals who come after the great leaders, are destined to be ripped apart or unfairly measured, by history. Unless they change and play to a new tune. The tune that the electorates are accustomed to - strong, bright, confrontational and seemingly fearless leaders.

When Dato' Seri Najib Razak takes over as Prime Minister one day, he should count his blessings that the public benchmark for him to beat, is Pak Lah - and not Tun Mahathir. History will have been kind to him.