To All the Girls I've Loved Before
I heard this song on radio, today. It was sung by the unlikely pair of Julio Iglesias and Willie Nelson. It made me smile because whenever I'm at karaoke, Nasser would always cheekily insist that this was my song.
I've dated a lot of girls before. A lot. Faced an equally big amount of rejections too. But I've been in love only twice, in the last 15 years. And almost felt it again recently, too.
Lina was my first love - I met her when I was just 16. 7 years of living, loving, arguing, discovering and understanding. And finally, parting. We knew each other so well at one point, that we were completing each other's sentences. Where a look became words and a touch conveyed more than just affection.
Lina was at love at first sight. And falling even deeper, after that. She was kind, loving, intelligent, thoughtful, playful and artistic. And so oh-so-stylish and lovely. An absolute lady - a girl's girl. I always looked forward to our dates, to see what she would wear next. Her mix and match was impeccable.
And everyday, I asked myself what I had done to deserve this girl. Everyday, I was thankful. Some of my happiest days were with Lina - life was especially perfect when I was 19, before I left for the UK.
Even my choice of university was made for her - I wanted to cone back in the shortest time possible, to marry her. But Life had other plans for us.
There were hard times during the 7 years, but our parting was instigated from an unnecessary intervention from Mum. And all the love that had been nurtured over 7 years, was destroyed. But it was my fate.
Losing Lina taught me to redha (to accept my fate) some of the things that God has planned for me. Took me 4 years to get over her - some of the darkest days, which has given me my internal strength today, was developed during those grievous days.
And I thought, I'd never feel that way again. That hard to breathe feeling, when you want someone so badly.
Lina's married now, with two lovely daughters, who thankfully, looked like her. She married a man who was totally undeserving of her, but that's just my biased opinion. Romulus to me, was just a fox who was there at the right time and in the right place. Lina married a man who was completely opposite of me - I guess she wanted someone whom she could control.
I asked her once why Romulus was her choice. Especially when she was not in love with him at that time. Her answer was simple - "because he's there for me". It was a great lesson for me - sometimes, all a woman wants is someone whose there for her.
4 years after things with Lina ended, I felt it again, with Ms Fickle. Although it only lasted a few months, but I had feelings for her for one year before that, when I first met her. We were on e-mail for a year, before I asked her to be my girlfriend, She was surprised and flattered and jumped in, against her better judgement.
For a few months, sunshine walked into my life again. Fickle was ladylike, hardworking, introspective and quite deep, shy but definitely sexy. Her voice on the phone used to melt me like butter. Our phone conversations, used to last until morning - even when we had nothing to say, the silence was comforting and comfortable. Interspersed with the jokes and flirtations. :)
Fickle went back to her ex-boyfriend, a few months later. They had a 3-year relationship and they wanted to try again. I was heartbroken and the gloom of yesterday, set in again.
And I bled for the next few years. I stopped believing in love, I chose the best girl my mother would love and married her. And I got divorced, less than 2 years later, which was just in 2003. And the worse thing is, I was still secretly in love with Fickle, all throughout that time.
I've not been in love again after that. A few close calls, but nowhere near what it used to feel like. I'm over Fickle now and that's a big step.
It took years, but I'm finally at peace. Am not hurting anymore and am not looking for love, anymore. If it comes and it's meant to be, I'll marry the girl. If it doesn't, I'll just have to live alone, without it.
Love is not something you earn. It's something that you're blessed with, even if you're undeserving. I've been fortunate enough to be there, twice. And if God determines it, I will feel it again.
Some blessings are worth waiting for. And romantics have no choice but to be true to their nature.
I've dated a lot of girls before. A lot. Faced an equally big amount of rejections too. But I've been in love only twice, in the last 15 years. And almost felt it again recently, too.
Lina was my first love - I met her when I was just 16. 7 years of living, loving, arguing, discovering and understanding. And finally, parting. We knew each other so well at one point, that we were completing each other's sentences. Where a look became words and a touch conveyed more than just affection.
Lina was at love at first sight. And falling even deeper, after that. She was kind, loving, intelligent, thoughtful, playful and artistic. And so oh-so-stylish and lovely. An absolute lady - a girl's girl. I always looked forward to our dates, to see what she would wear next. Her mix and match was impeccable.
And everyday, I asked myself what I had done to deserve this girl. Everyday, I was thankful. Some of my happiest days were with Lina - life was especially perfect when I was 19, before I left for the UK.
Even my choice of university was made for her - I wanted to cone back in the shortest time possible, to marry her. But Life had other plans for us.
There were hard times during the 7 years, but our parting was instigated from an unnecessary intervention from Mum. And all the love that had been nurtured over 7 years, was destroyed. But it was my fate.
Losing Lina taught me to redha (to accept my fate) some of the things that God has planned for me. Took me 4 years to get over her - some of the darkest days, which has given me my internal strength today, was developed during those grievous days.
And I thought, I'd never feel that way again. That hard to breathe feeling, when you want someone so badly.
Lina's married now, with two lovely daughters, who thankfully, looked like her. She married a man who was totally undeserving of her, but that's just my biased opinion. Romulus to me, was just a fox who was there at the right time and in the right place. Lina married a man who was completely opposite of me - I guess she wanted someone whom she could control.
I asked her once why Romulus was her choice. Especially when she was not in love with him at that time. Her answer was simple - "because he's there for me". It was a great lesson for me - sometimes, all a woman wants is someone whose there for her.
4 years after things with Lina ended, I felt it again, with Ms Fickle. Although it only lasted a few months, but I had feelings for her for one year before that, when I first met her. We were on e-mail for a year, before I asked her to be my girlfriend, She was surprised and flattered and jumped in, against her better judgement.
For a few months, sunshine walked into my life again. Fickle was ladylike, hardworking, introspective and quite deep, shy but definitely sexy. Her voice on the phone used to melt me like butter. Our phone conversations, used to last until morning - even when we had nothing to say, the silence was comforting and comfortable. Interspersed with the jokes and flirtations. :)
Fickle went back to her ex-boyfriend, a few months later. They had a 3-year relationship and they wanted to try again. I was heartbroken and the gloom of yesterday, set in again.
And I bled for the next few years. I stopped believing in love, I chose the best girl my mother would love and married her. And I got divorced, less than 2 years later, which was just in 2003. And the worse thing is, I was still secretly in love with Fickle, all throughout that time.
I've not been in love again after that. A few close calls, but nowhere near what it used to feel like. I'm over Fickle now and that's a big step.
It took years, but I'm finally at peace. Am not hurting anymore and am not looking for love, anymore. If it comes and it's meant to be, I'll marry the girl. If it doesn't, I'll just have to live alone, without it.
Love is not something you earn. It's something that you're blessed with, even if you're undeserving. I've been fortunate enough to be there, twice. And if God determines it, I will feel it again.
Some blessings are worth waiting for. And romantics have no choice but to be true to their nature.
posted by Stingrayz | 8:20 PM
2 Comments:
Praise be to God!!!! Finally, some sense... :-). Levity aside, I certainly know how it feels, sometimes Ifeel as if my faith in love has abandoned me but most of the time it creeps back in and I believe again. It is painful but I am now resigned to the fact that since I am made that way, I'll just have to live that way.
Xena: I've taken THAT long to make sense, huh? Ahahhahaa,..:)
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