Mistakes, Regrets and Corrections
I was at BK's wedding tonight at KL Hilton. BK is one of our guys on The Program and he was gracious enough to invite the guys in the Program, to his wedding.
It was a grand wedding. The hall of 700-strong was beautifully decorated, the background music arrangement was exquisite with an eclectic blend of jazz and sentimental music and the candid photos taken during the wedding was simply awesome - fleshing out the joy by the bride and groom and their respective families, without being pretentiously static and poser-woser. The colours in the photos seem realistically alive.
BK kept it real too, with a moving speech that waxed lyrical how he felt about his wife. His speech was not polished by any measure, but it sparkled with the glitter of "from the heart" sincerity. He adored his wife and he was feeling like the most fortunate person in the world - and he wanted everyone in the Grand Ballroom, to know so.
I couldn't help but reflect over on my own wedding, not too long ago. There was a time when I was just like BK. When I meant every word I said, about my ex-wife. When I did feel, like I was the luckiest man in the world - I had everything that one would want from a picture-perfect marriage. She was beautiful, highly intelligent, pleasant and totally family-oriented.
I wasn't faking the feelings. It was real to me, as real as night and day. But yet, my feelings changed or perhaps, as I discovered later, not as real as I thought and felt them to be. Perhaps, I forced the belief, because I desperately wanted to move on with my life and to be happy. And to make Mum happy too, to a large extent.
All the signs were there. Close friends had advised me against jumping into the marriage, but I didn't listen. I was convinced that this was the path to happiness and I was not going to let other people instill doubts in me and derail me from my chosen path. Furthermore, I was drained and tired of being miserable, stuck in the endless stasis of single life.
I was wrong. I was badly wrong. And the great price was my marriage and my ex-wife's broken heart.
It was the right decision - 15 months later, I still have no doubts. It was a correction that had to be done. If I didn't do it now, it would have happened when a child had come along and I would hate myself for it, even more. I took the lesser of two evils.
There are some scars in life that does not heal, ever.
I can't possibly reverse the damage of the divorce - I've deeply hurt my ex-wife and her family too (not to mention Mum was heartbroken when she was still alive) and I've made her a divorcee. It was not where she wanted to be. It was not something that was within her control. And she had no choice, but to accept it.
Even if one day comes when she moves on with her life and marries someone else (which I hope will be soon), the guilt will always be there. The moral debt to her and her family will be eternal. My error in judgment had costs so many, so much. And for at least one person, too much.
I hope one day and at the next time, when I'm giving the wedding speech, that I know that I mean what I've said. I don't ever want to be that wrong again. NEVER.
There was a warm round of applause after BK's dedication speech, to his new wife. He's been with Mel for at least 7 years and he was marrying the love of his life. I was happy for him.
Whoever the next person is, God - please let me know with full certainty what I really feel and spare me, from hurting anyone else. Especially my loved ones.
There are just some mistakes, regrets and corrections in life, which one never gets over. And one may have to carry the weight on the conscience, for one's lifetime. And hopefully, it makes you a better man than you were. There isn't a day that I don't wonder to myself how things would have been, if I had actually not made the mistake.:( Not a single day.
It was a grand wedding. The hall of 700-strong was beautifully decorated, the background music arrangement was exquisite with an eclectic blend of jazz and sentimental music and the candid photos taken during the wedding was simply awesome - fleshing out the joy by the bride and groom and their respective families, without being pretentiously static and poser-woser. The colours in the photos seem realistically alive.
BK kept it real too, with a moving speech that waxed lyrical how he felt about his wife. His speech was not polished by any measure, but it sparkled with the glitter of "from the heart" sincerity. He adored his wife and he was feeling like the most fortunate person in the world - and he wanted everyone in the Grand Ballroom, to know so.
I couldn't help but reflect over on my own wedding, not too long ago. There was a time when I was just like BK. When I meant every word I said, about my ex-wife. When I did feel, like I was the luckiest man in the world - I had everything that one would want from a picture-perfect marriage. She was beautiful, highly intelligent, pleasant and totally family-oriented.
I wasn't faking the feelings. It was real to me, as real as night and day. But yet, my feelings changed or perhaps, as I discovered later, not as real as I thought and felt them to be. Perhaps, I forced the belief, because I desperately wanted to move on with my life and to be happy. And to make Mum happy too, to a large extent.
All the signs were there. Close friends had advised me against jumping into the marriage, but I didn't listen. I was convinced that this was the path to happiness and I was not going to let other people instill doubts in me and derail me from my chosen path. Furthermore, I was drained and tired of being miserable, stuck in the endless stasis of single life.
I was wrong. I was badly wrong. And the great price was my marriage and my ex-wife's broken heart.
It was the right decision - 15 months later, I still have no doubts. It was a correction that had to be done. If I didn't do it now, it would have happened when a child had come along and I would hate myself for it, even more. I took the lesser of two evils.
There are some scars in life that does not heal, ever.
I can't possibly reverse the damage of the divorce - I've deeply hurt my ex-wife and her family too (not to mention Mum was heartbroken when she was still alive) and I've made her a divorcee. It was not where she wanted to be. It was not something that was within her control. And she had no choice, but to accept it.
Even if one day comes when she moves on with her life and marries someone else (which I hope will be soon), the guilt will always be there. The moral debt to her and her family will be eternal. My error in judgment had costs so many, so much. And for at least one person, too much.
I hope one day and at the next time, when I'm giving the wedding speech, that I know that I mean what I've said. I don't ever want to be that wrong again. NEVER.
There was a warm round of applause after BK's dedication speech, to his new wife. He's been with Mel for at least 7 years and he was marrying the love of his life. I was happy for him.
Whoever the next person is, God - please let me know with full certainty what I really feel and spare me, from hurting anyone else. Especially my loved ones.
There are just some mistakes, regrets and corrections in life, which one never gets over. And one may have to carry the weight on the conscience, for one's lifetime. And hopefully, it makes you a better man than you were. There isn't a day that I don't wonder to myself how things would have been, if I had actually not made the mistake.:( Not a single day.
posted by Stingrayz | 1:08 PM
2 Comments:
Minamona:
Actually, writing what I feel is easy. Keeping it in alone, was not. I live life like an old leg wound - the leg may recover and continue to be in good shape, but the scars will remain.
But marriage is not the only thing that is filled with uncertainty. Every other aspect of life is, too - everything lacks a sense of permanence - perhaps, it's God's way of reminding us that our life is fleetingly temporary.
And to appreciate the small blessings in life and not to take them for granted. The curious blend of trying one's best in Life but having the humility to submit that the conclusion is in the hands of the Almighty.
Zsarina dear,
Thanks for your first post on my blog. Glad that a friend is here. :)
I think it depends on the sort of person you are. Heart or mind, the most important thing is to know what matters to you and to be honest with yourself about it. If you lie to yourself, then you will lie to others. And your life will be a lie.
The Malay peribahasa "ukur baju di badan sendiri" I think has a wider context than just wealth and spending.
I think it can be construed that even in one's life, you can only measure your life according to your own cut and size. If you measure it to others, the clothes will not fit so well on you. You may feel bad and you will look bad - because the fit is not quite right. Even your partner might look or feel bad.
Both the heart and mind can be treacherous things - when we forget to listen to what we really want. Or they can be our saviour, when we choose to accept and conform, to the measurement of others.
We all choose the clothes we wear.
To each, his own baju, I guess. Being honest to myself, I've chosen my path. I only wish the lessons were not so costly on so many, though.
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