Coping when she's gone
Today, Ms. Heartbreaker said the words, "I Love You" to me. I should be ecstatic, but ironically, the happy ending will not be coming my way. She will be marrying someone else. Someone who has lost the passion for her, believe it or not.
I could never understand her reasons, but I have to accept it. It comes from a perspective, which I could never understand. But I don't have a choice in the matter. It's her life and she's perfectly entitled to live it, the way she wants. Even when it looks like an impending disaster, waiting to happen.
It's amazing how happy this girl has made me in the time that she's been in my life.
I love everything about her - her beautiful eyes, her lovely smile, her familiar warmth, her sharp wit, her eclectic style, her random thoughtfulness, her understated confidence, her expressions of affection, her devotion to the people she cares about and how comfortable she makes me feel, whenever we're together. It's like 2 pieces of a puzzle that perfectly fits and completes the jigsaw picture.
I've waited so long, to feel like this again. Too long. And this time, I was hoping that I would be 3rd time lucky, in 16 years. Wrong again.
We've at least managed to retain the friendship, though I can't imagine that it'd be easy bumping into her with Lucky Bloke, at future functions or clubs in town. Been there, done that, with Ms. Fickle. Feels like open heart surgery, while you're awake.
But there are the good times, and the sweet memories.
The flirtatious bantering, the engrossing dinner conversations, the talks at her office cubicle, the long and riveting phone conversations, her expression of absolute delight when I sent her a lovely bouquet of flowers, the compelling magnetism to one another, the long delicious kisses and the adorable way she falls soundly asleep, on my shoulders.
The way she endearingly and repeatedly calls my name, with that alluring voice - like she loved the sound of it. The hypnotic silence when we're holding each other close - almost as if, time itself had stopped to observe us. And her intoxicating scent that I crave for, after she leaves. I looked forward to every day, and every moment with her.
I felt completely alive. Every day with her, was another gift. My life was more complete with her presence and correspondingly, more empty without it.
It reminds me of what Carrie Bradshaw had said in the final episode of "Sex and the City" to her boyfriend whom always prioritised his art career first - "I am looking for LOVE - inconvenient, adventurous and all-consuming love". Sounds about right.
You can't always control or understand the conclusions in Life. But you can cherish what little joy, that comes your way.
I'm trying to comprehend that in my 30's - that Life may be no more than a series of significant events, strung together - where how you live during the moments in the journey, may be more important than the destination. Perhaps, there is no grand plan for one's life, that makes sense of everything - perhaps, it's all about the crucial decisions you make in each of those moments.
Ms. Heartbreaker, if you ever find the courage to love me and you need to do a U-turn, there will always be a light on for you, in this cold empty home. And a heart, that's more than willing to give its all and to make you a happy wife, mother and soulmate. I promise.
I could never understand her reasons, but I have to accept it. It comes from a perspective, which I could never understand. But I don't have a choice in the matter. It's her life and she's perfectly entitled to live it, the way she wants. Even when it looks like an impending disaster, waiting to happen.
It's amazing how happy this girl has made me in the time that she's been in my life.
I love everything about her - her beautiful eyes, her lovely smile, her familiar warmth, her sharp wit, her eclectic style, her random thoughtfulness, her understated confidence, her expressions of affection, her devotion to the people she cares about and how comfortable she makes me feel, whenever we're together. It's like 2 pieces of a puzzle that perfectly fits and completes the jigsaw picture.
I've waited so long, to feel like this again. Too long. And this time, I was hoping that I would be 3rd time lucky, in 16 years. Wrong again.
We've at least managed to retain the friendship, though I can't imagine that it'd be easy bumping into her with Lucky Bloke, at future functions or clubs in town. Been there, done that, with Ms. Fickle. Feels like open heart surgery, while you're awake.
But there are the good times, and the sweet memories.
The flirtatious bantering, the engrossing dinner conversations, the talks at her office cubicle, the long and riveting phone conversations, her expression of absolute delight when I sent her a lovely bouquet of flowers, the compelling magnetism to one another, the long delicious kisses and the adorable way she falls soundly asleep, on my shoulders.
The way she endearingly and repeatedly calls my name, with that alluring voice - like she loved the sound of it. The hypnotic silence when we're holding each other close - almost as if, time itself had stopped to observe us. And her intoxicating scent that I crave for, after she leaves. I looked forward to every day, and every moment with her.
I felt completely alive. Every day with her, was another gift. My life was more complete with her presence and correspondingly, more empty without it.
It reminds me of what Carrie Bradshaw had said in the final episode of "Sex and the City" to her boyfriend whom always prioritised his art career first - "I am looking for LOVE - inconvenient, adventurous and all-consuming love". Sounds about right.
You can't always control or understand the conclusions in Life. But you can cherish what little joy, that comes your way.
I'm trying to comprehend that in my 30's - that Life may be no more than a series of significant events, strung together - where how you live during the moments in the journey, may be more important than the destination. Perhaps, there is no grand plan for one's life, that makes sense of everything - perhaps, it's all about the crucial decisions you make in each of those moments.
Ms. Heartbreaker, if you ever find the courage to love me and you need to do a U-turn, there will always be a light on for you, in this cold empty home. And a heart, that's more than willing to give its all and to make you a happy wife, mother and soulmate. I promise.
posted by Stingrayz | 1:09 AM
3 Comments:
I had a You in my life - perhaps I still have, in a way. My You leaves the light on for me. I honestly do not know why I still keep myself in the darkness.
Minamona:
Perhaps, you're right. But at about right now, I'm fighting for it. There are too few things in life worth fighting for, but she is to me. Unfortunately,...haha!
Voice:
It depends on whether you're happier being in the dark. Sometimes, being in the light is a consolation prize and other times, it becomes the raison d'etre. Just don't deny yourself the chance at happiness, be in the light or in the dark.
I know now why I hold myself back in the darkness. I do not want to be his Ms. Heartbreaker. Saying and doing something that I do not fully mean, in the end.
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