Conversations and Non-Conformity

A few people in my life in these last few days, pointed out that I talk too much about my past. And I talk about it, like it just happened yesterday.

And that I never think about the impact, of telling others about my past. That I never look at things from their perspective. That most people are generally not as transparent with their lives, nor do they expect others to be so.

It made me pause and reflect, for a while. I've always been a non-conformist. And what struck me was that you (or your actions) can't be understood in the proper context, within an ocean of conformists - where people observe normative behaviour in that particular society. If you choose to be different, then you stand the risk of being misunderstood or worse, being misconstrued as a bad or lost person.

For instance, I choose not to be hard and cynical. As a result, I absorb a lot of grief )perhaps, too much) and rationalize it. I have a tendency to look at things on the bright side and to give people the benefit of the doubt (some of my friends think that it is naively and overtly so), perhaps, even when they don't deserve it. I try to comprehend and accept and where possible, reconcile, forgive and move on.

I have given up on very few people in my life. One of them is dead and a few of them, well, are just hopeless causes. For these extreme few, I'm resigned to the fact that they're incapable of change for the better.

But all this "process" of trying not to be cynical and aging gracefully with passion for life, takes conversation. Conversations with others, both close and distant and conversations in my head. Lots and lots of conversations. Sometimes, it leads me to ponder things for far too long, always discovering a fresh perspective, from an old situation - even years after the event has happened.

Sometimes, situations work like a boomerang and I come to realize a fresh perspective in the shoes of others, whom I never thought I would understand. This is actually quite good for one's humility.

Life's like that - but it's all a matter of how you deal with it and the choices you exercise. And we make differing choices, according to different life philosophies.

But more importantly, to dare to try out new things and make mistakes. Mistakes are essential for humility and learning. People who don't get out from their comfort zone and risk making mistakes, are forever cocooned in the warm bliss of willful ignorance and become arrogant yet inexperienced, know-it-alls.

There's too many of those, nowadays. Bright people who practice orthodoxy and live with theoretical constructs, all their lives. They have a book on everything, that they have not tried.

It's hard to grow older, to retain a sense of perspective, maintain one's faith in life and humanity and to humbly admit, that most of the time, we don't have all the answers. And where we do know the answers, acting on it can be full or thorns and barriers.

To me, it's about aging and retaining a childlike innocence and faith in life, despite all our personal tragedies and trauma. You can only learn, with an open mind and an open heart. Otherwise, we are blind to the lessons in life.

The conversations should continue, I feel. But perhaps, more with myself and less with others, except for a select few - although that would compromise the diversity of angles and opinions, that I can gather on an issue.

But there are times when I'm tired of being misunderstood and judged (especially by the people I care about) - maybe it's the price of being a non-conformist. And it makes me harder to love, by people who conform.

The world can be a lonely place, for those who choose to take a different path from society's norms. The quest for happiness may require us to be a schizophrenic and a chameleon all at once, when it's suitable.