Unconditional

It felt awkward seeing her again, initially. It had been a while since we've last talked.

And that was deliberate.

But there's something about her family that makes me feel welcome. Her mother (who we fondly refer to as Ummi), her cousins, her 2 children from a previous marriage. Whenever I'm in their place, I don't feel like a guest - I feel like one of them. The chemistry is just so natural - the comfort level, all too familiar.

It's as if there was never a break of silence, between us.

I didn't plan to be there. But I thought that it would only be respectful to accede to her mother's request, for me to pay a visit, in the brief time that Ummi will be in town.

Plus, since I don't have a mother anymore - I thought it'd be nice to spend some time with Ummi, who thought well of me.

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Yes, I still feel something for her daughter. I'd be lying if I said that I didn't. Sometimes, circumstances in life requires us to move on, even when our heart is still in the same place. And being adults, we move on, like we should. Like what is expected of us.

But as the night progressed, I'm reminded of why I fell for her, in the first place. It's the many sides of her - her girlish, feminine and laidback nature, the responsible woman that she's had to be, the loving mother that she naturally is, always gauging whether she's giving enough of the best to her children.

Sometimes, there's so much joy and laughter on the surface that masks so much pain, mistakes and experience from the past. In that sense, we're similar - although I think she's survived more emotional tragedies, than I have.

Her depth of feeling and understanding of the many facets of emotions and life experiences seems to be almost unrivalled, in anyone I know. And she's far stronger than I am - she could tell herself what to feel and what not to feel.

It's not a perfect way to handle things, but considering the burden of love that she's carrying in life - she's held out, pretty amazingly.

And even when she doesn't say it - I know that she just wants someone whom she loves, to take care of her. To take all the difficulties away, if not share it, through this lifetime. And God knows she deserves it and I wish for nothing else for her.

And sometimes, I wish I was that man.

Because I'm still love with her, if I care to admit it. Because I know I can take care of her and the kids and fill in the blanks of affection and care, where it exists. And most of all, because I want to - so much.

But I am not that lucky man. And I will never be.

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One of the the best things that I've ever been privy to see from up close, is her interaction with her children.

She's firm and fair, but rarely hard on them. There's a constant supply of open displays of affection - I don't think her kids will ever starve of attention and affection. Hugs, kisses and cuddles seem to be a natural part of how this little family works.

She reasons with them, as opposed to just telling them what to do. She's got them on a disciplined routine, but she gives them a lot of space to decide what they'd like to do with the time that they have.

And she's always very conscious of what she's not doing enough for them - sometimes, being entirely too hard on herself, for circumstances which are not necessarily in her control.

She's a single parent and it's not a perfect family. But as mother, she gets full marks from me, for making the perfect attempt.

And although she doesn't say it - I can see it in her eyes, that these children are her life, her meaning of existence. The one responsibility, that she's determined not to fail at.

Syurga di telapak kaki ibu - as the Malay saying goes. Seeing her in action with her kids, makes me understand why.

The unconditional sacrifices of good mothers for the sake of their children, are beyond worldly measures. And the only just rewards for honouring them, can only be heavenly. In almost every religion, the position of the mother, is sacred.

I would have fallen for this woman, just for the person that she is - even if it comes with the confusion, hurt, complications and all.


But the mother that she is - there's nothing untrue or insincere about it. She's full of good intentions for the children and she walks the talk, never wanting to fall short of their happiness. This is the side of her that the outside world rarely sees. This is her, at her limitless best.

The true miracle of a woman's love, is her unconditional love of her children.

All other forms of love, pale in comparison and bow in submission to this love. For truly, it is one of God's great miracles.