The Corner of the 33rd Birthday and the 300th entry

This is the real 300th entry of my blog.

I wanted to wait for a fine day to write it (I originally targeted to write this in Langkawi on my 33rd birthday - but it's too beautiful a day to spend indoors, blogging) and that day is here.

It was about slightly more than 2 years ago when I started blogging (at that time, the blog was called Living My Dreams). It was the months after Mum passed on - and I had so much to say - there were many things on my mind and in my heart that needed to spill out or risk an emotional collapse.

And for the last 2 years, this blog has been immensely therapeutic to me, as an emotional outlet. It has kept me sane, through a somewhat emotionally turbulent period. And it has filtered cynicism from creeping into my outlook, with the passing of time and age.

What was of great surprise to me, was the many people that have written to me, saying how my writing has helped them clear their thoughts or express what they felt, but could not convey. And some, just simply enjoy reading it - even if I'm a tad repetitive.

All the heartfelt expressions of appreciation and encouragement (and even honest, well-worded criticisms) are very much appreciated. It made me feel like I was not alone. It greatly consoled me that many shared the same sentiments and dilemmas, that I did.

Over the last 2 years, I've had e-mails from over 70 different strangers and comments from over 100 different readers, not counting the unidentified anonymous ones.

I've made many friends and ome of them are now close friends and loyal readers/commenters. Some are just normal friends and others are acquaintances.

Some others have come and gone, like ships in the night - but I do know that they're still reading, because of their occasional comments, in this blog.

Some of my friends (and ex-girlfriends, I suspect ;)) use it as a way of keeping in touch with what's happening in my life, in between their busy work and family schedules. Some prominent readers have even led me to writing for a local daily, the Malay Mail.

I look back at the writings of the last 2 years and the journey has been an emotionally (and sometimes, intellectually) rewarding one. I could chart a growth and maturity progress in some areas, though some other areas still require a lot of work.

But I'm glad that I started blogging and I hope to continue for a long time to come - perhaps, until a time when I don't enjoy it anymore (which will probably not be soon).

Happy belated 2nd birthday to Mimpi Pari (formerly known as Living My Dreams) and my alter ego, Stingray.

And thank you to all whom have been with me, through this amazing journey. I hope you will continue the journey with me.

There's so much more in the future ahead, to be lived and experienced. And I shall continue living my dreams, without retreat or surrender, InsyaAllah.

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The recent solitary break in Langkawi, was a good one. I never realized how much I needed it.

No, there was no great revelation over the break - no great mental or spiritual breakthroughs. I was just more relaxed - I guess not being in KL, helps one achieve internal peace and clarity, to see things for what they truly are.

I reaffirmed in my mind, some of the things I've promised myself before. Nothing worth repeating here - I've said it all before in my previous entries.


But there were some new resolutions.

First, to start living today for today, because tomorrow might never come.

That life's experiences and enjoyment, should never revolve around a future event or outcome, no matter how much I want it. I'm wasting time in wait, for something that may be destined to be out of my reach.


Secondly, to start giving more to people who deserve it.

To the people who have always prized giving, over receiving. To those who have consistently been there for me and have never asked for anything back. To those who have always kept their promises and have not taken me for granted.

To those who value my company and do not treat me like a filler/substitute for the person they really want to spend time with.

And I shall give less, to friends and loved ones who give keep giving lesser and lesser. It's not that my love is conditional - but sometimes, the good things in life must be earned, for you to appreciate it. You only get from life, what you give to it.

And considering what I give to life - I definitely want more, qualitatively. I deserve it - and it's about time that I realize that.

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Sometimes, people do not have enough strength to keep their promises to you.

Bapak (my stepfather) had been a part of my life for 18 years, up until the point Mum passed on in 2004. He has now remarried to another woman (the most insecure witch I've ever met) and in a bid to try to please his wife - has severed all communication ties with my siblings and I.

It hurts when people tell you that they will always be your father and family - and not keep that promise, after your mother passes on.

It makes a lie and falsehood of the familial bond, built up over the years.

So much trust and love that was built up over a period of time. Everything has dissolved into thin air, once he remarried - it's as if the last 18 years never happened to us.

But I forgive him and I wish him all the best with his new wife and family. He's 74 now and I wouldn't wish it on him, to be alone. I know how lonely it can be. And for all it's worth, during the 16 years when he was married to my mother, he treated her well and he loved all of us, like his own.

Though I'm a bit disappointed that even a seemingly great and principled man can't stand up to the wiles and trickery of an elderly woman - but I guess, that's how pragmatic some people can be. Life seems to go on for them - albeit, with little sentimentality or gratitude.

Sometimes, I wonder whether he ever truly loved my Mum (or us) and his love is as transient, as sand in an hourglass.

But it doesn't matter - people come and go. Sometimes, they die on you. And sometimes, they die on themselves.

Good luck, Bapak. And thank you for all the memories, of who you once were.

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I'm looking forward to next year. It's a year of many new starts and beginnings. And InsyaAllah, a more financially rewarding year, too.

Sometimes, you have to wait a while, for good things to happen. You sacrifice instant gratification, status, image and the false trappings of the world.

And you focus on the long-term and build things up, a block at a time. And eventually, over time, you will see a castle in front of you.

Slow and steady. You'll get there.

Life is a little like a bowling game. The reality is that you're not playing against others in the marathon of games - you're playing against yourself. In each game, you're chasing your own perfect game (or near perfect game).

You may be the best player or you may not - but the objective is to constantly improve your own performance, under different lane conditions.

That aside - I'm thinking of a solo holiday trip to India, next year. That's definitely in the pipeline.

I'm feeling calm - and looking forward to the future.