Basic Instinct
These are just some thoughts that are running through my mind, right now.
No particular structure or coherence yet - just in random order, floating around in wonderment. And it goes something like this:
We DO know when something fits. And when something does not.
We can't explain why some people are crazy about us and where every single thing we do seems to lift their already high regard for us.
We can't explain why we might feel the same for others.
We know what we want. We know what we don't want. We know how far we'd be willing to strive for something that we know is worth it. And we also when we're not willing to.
We should know what we can change - and what we can't. And if we don't know, then we should learn over time. For it's a very important lesson in relationships.
Being limitless in your mind, does not mean that you can continue to ignore the wall in front of you, when the only tool you have to break it, is your head. Accept your limitations, when God has ordained it.
And give up on the striving, once you know that things don't FIT. No matter how romantic, attractive and appealing the notion seems to you.
Move on and bring the lessons with you. There should be one. It should make you know yourself better, if not your knowledge of the other person. Anything less than that, is pure foolhardyness.
Happiness is that intersection between what you love, what is within your reach, what you're willing to strive for and a little bit of what fits and responds naturally to you - even without your effort.
And if you accept this - you will know that no one missed opportunity can be the meaning of life, to you. Perhaps, one opportunity can fill this spot at each period of our lives - but no single missed opportunity holds the sole key to our happiness.
We survive and we pick ourselves up. And we move on to the next opportunity. There's nothing eternally permanent, romantic or fatalistic in this notion.
Deep down inside - human beings are pragmatic creatures and our instinct to survive, overrides any desire that we may have.
Breaking it down to that level - we seem colder and animalistic than we really feel, perhaps. But there are some out there, who are truer to the most basic of human nature, than others.
And they're well ahead of the curve in life's game.
Know yourself and how far you should go. Know your limitations on some things which involves relationships and feelings. Understand the value of respect and balance. And learn to recognize what fits and what doesn't - earlier on in the game. It's part of the process of maturing.
Ikut hati mati, ikut rasa binasa. How true. Life requires a much higher intelligence of us (and perhaps, selfishness) to survive it.
No particular structure or coherence yet - just in random order, floating around in wonderment. And it goes something like this:
We DO know when something fits. And when something does not.
We can't explain why some people are crazy about us and where every single thing we do seems to lift their already high regard for us.
We can't explain why we might feel the same for others.
We know what we want. We know what we don't want. We know how far we'd be willing to strive for something that we know is worth it. And we also when we're not willing to.
We should know what we can change - and what we can't. And if we don't know, then we should learn over time. For it's a very important lesson in relationships.
Being limitless in your mind, does not mean that you can continue to ignore the wall in front of you, when the only tool you have to break it, is your head. Accept your limitations, when God has ordained it.
And give up on the striving, once you know that things don't FIT. No matter how romantic, attractive and appealing the notion seems to you.
Move on and bring the lessons with you. There should be one. It should make you know yourself better, if not your knowledge of the other person. Anything less than that, is pure foolhardyness.
Happiness is that intersection between what you love, what is within your reach, what you're willing to strive for and a little bit of what fits and responds naturally to you - even without your effort.
And if you accept this - you will know that no one missed opportunity can be the meaning of life, to you. Perhaps, one opportunity can fill this spot at each period of our lives - but no single missed opportunity holds the sole key to our happiness.
We survive and we pick ourselves up. And we move on to the next opportunity. There's nothing eternally permanent, romantic or fatalistic in this notion.
Deep down inside - human beings are pragmatic creatures and our instinct to survive, overrides any desire that we may have.
Breaking it down to that level - we seem colder and animalistic than we really feel, perhaps. But there are some out there, who are truer to the most basic of human nature, than others.
And they're well ahead of the curve in life's game.
Know yourself and how far you should go. Know your limitations on some things which involves relationships and feelings. Understand the value of respect and balance. And learn to recognize what fits and what doesn't - earlier on in the game. It's part of the process of maturing.
Ikut hati mati, ikut rasa binasa. How true. Life requires a much higher intelligence of us (and perhaps, selfishness) to survive it.
posted by Stingrayz | 9:58 PM
17 Comments:
Ouch :(
m a regular reader of your previous blog and only discovered this one after blog-hopping from someone's blog. your previous entry on ramadhan was a good one. i am living abroad currently and i certainly miss HOME. i used to dread the annual balik kampung trip during raya (for many reasons). those reasons are nothing now compared to celebrating festivities with your loved ones. happy eid btw.
Ikut rasa binasa ... hmm .. never has a truer proverb been coined. But often times, the road to binasa is just oh so delicious! :-)
Anonymous:
Sorry if that hurt, somehow.
It's a general commentary (actually meant to apply to me) but I guess it's a common feeling that many others feel too.
Sorry again, dear. :(
Ann:
Hey Ann. :) Welcome back to my blog!
Sorry that I had to shift from LMD without much notice - but am glad to have you back as a loyal reader.
Raya in Switzerland, huh? Cool. :) I visited your blog - seems like a cosy small group that you have there - reminds me of my Raya in the UK dulu.
Yes, I'm sure life in the most expensive country in the world, must be quite different from the kampung trip. :)
Happy Eid you, Azhan and the baby, too!
Xena:
Too true. God knows I've been there enough times, all in the name of passion.
But I suppose all of us must come to a point where we should experience "rasa yang tidak membinasakan".
It's strange if we made extreme joy and pain, constant simultaneous partners in our lives.
There comes a point where things shouldn't have to be that way. Where the joy is not worth the the eventual pain.
Someone wise once said: "If you can't change things, then change the way you see things".
That's not only worth a thought - it's worth a try.
Eliza:
Eid Mubarak to you and your family, too. :)
Agree with you on the akal part, though I've never been one to know where the correct balance is between head and heart.
Sometimes, I've made huge mistakes when I let my head overrule my heart. But most times, when the heart overrules the head.
But yes, over time, experience (both good and bad) does help in the maturing process, of someone as daft as I am. ;)
Interesting question on the epitaph thing.
I guess what's most disturbing to me sometimes, is that all I want to be remembered as, is as a good husband, father and friend/colleague/partner.
Not very ambitious perhaps, but that's all I want.
The disturbing part (to me, at least) is my fear that I may not have a chance to achieve 2 out of 3 of the above.
Sobering thought, indeed! ;)
Yes, we do know indeed. We choose the road less travelled and end up nowhere. Up to a point where we think - perhaps it is less travelled for a reason.
We have this innate ability to bounce back, up to one point where we are tired of being bounced against the wall ever so often, and we decide to stop bouncing and go with the flow.
What am I saying?
Random thoughts floating as well, I guess. But then whether we want to admit it or not, we know exactly what we are talking about :)
Salam Syawal!
everytime i read your blog, its as if i know you in person....the events you write about, the way you write from your heart, your mind, your soul.......
i was involved with someone years back. we have since called it quits (or was it just me who did and he went along)....anyway...i wish i hadnt but i have to and has since been trying to "talk" to him thru my own blog for two years.......
somehow i realised that its useless for me to hang on to something that i should not hang to....the past and what could have been. just before syawal, i made a decision to quit "talking" to him and i always have this feeling that is what he wanted....
so when i read your blog today, it jolted me. what a coincedence i said to myself, yet again.
what you said to xena, its dejavu, because i used to say the same thing,.. if you cant change a person, then change your view and perspective.
your words hit the right note to my own thoughts.
anyway, i take your own views into my own perspective. its like gently telling someone, its time to move on. moving on is the hardest part...
what i had with him was good, but...as you said "once you know that things dont FIT".......let it go.
"Stingrayz said...
Xena:
Too true. God knows I've been there enough times, all in the name of passion.
But I suppose all of us must come to a point where we should experience "rasa yang tidak membinasakan".
It's strange if we made extreme joy and pain, constant simultaneous partners in our lives.
There comes a point where things shouldn't have to be that way. Where the joy is not worth the the eventual pain.
Someone wise once said: "If you can't change things, then change the way you see things".
That's not only worth a thought - it's worth a try.
11:16 PM"
Suara:
Good point, dear.
The thing about the road less travelled is that it's usually done by people more unusual.
If you don't enjoy conforming, you won't enjoy going with the flow - no matter how common-sensed it may seem to others.
It's not entirely something you choose - it's a part of who you are.
But the thing about the road less travelled (or people less conformist, for that matter)is that once in a while, even when we have to make course corrections to survive.
Once in a while, the course correction is according to the flow which others choose.
But you're not there because you're afraid of what others might think - you're there based on your trial-and-error, pain and conclusions.
It may make you lesser of a non-conformist, over time.
But make no mistake - if you're non-mainstream in your beliefs and values - you will never be mainstream.
And the most part of your life, you will take the road less travelled and keep swimming against the current.
Which will make you look stupid to most people. Like you're stuck with a permanent affliction.
Because they'll never understand why you do it. And how the hell does one explain such things?
How do you make them realize that sometimes, the same attitude and approach that leads to a few failures in some areas of your life - also leads to spectacular success in some other areas?
Morale of the story? If you want to be different, be prepared to look stupid to the masses. (I feel it all the time on this blog - heh!)
It comes with the territory, I'm afraid.
Do we know what we're talking about, Suara? ;)
Rimau Manja:
Thanks for sharing your experience. I can fully emphatize.
As for the quote to Xena - it came from a wise friend, whom I call Doc.
I didn't come up with it - probably because unless all avenues are totally exhausted, I don't believe in it, either.
I know letting go can be tough - been there, done that, several times with different people whom I love.
Sometimes, things don't fit, because people are just too different.
Sometimes, it's because the love is not reciprocated.
Or if there's a fit and it's reciprocated, the love is simply not strong enough to make it work.
And as time passes, people move on and a point in time comes, when things don't fit anymore.
Sometimes, things fit but cannot fit because of inescapable circumstances - whetever they may be.
Sometimes, things never get to fit, because we give up on it, too soon.
I'd be awful at dispensing advice on how to let go. Honestly. I took years, in some cases.
For me, all hopes totally die when the loved one has married someone else. That's my cut-off point.
(Although it can be still be a tad uncomfortable, if you bump into her and her hubby, somewhere public - don't ask me why)
And I usually know (now) that things don't fit - when the love and respect (and sometimes, courage) is not there or was never there.
And you're hurting because of it.
That's when I know - and it takes me longer for me to get there - because I believe in the inherent goodness of people and I'm (as Xena would say it) an eternal optimist.
You might have a different threshold of realization or even a different duration of getting to that point. To each his own.
But let it go when you really want to - not because you think you ought to. Especially, if you're the heart over mind types.
For our nature does not lie. And it will catch up with us, in one form or another.
Good luck to you, Rimau Manja.
Bro
What happened in your previous blog, Was it something I wrote , if it was I'll refrain , anyways Selamat Hari Raya Maaf Zahir batin
If its love that were talking about , I have learnt that no one can promise us happiness and we should not be emotionally independent on them to make us happy. I found that there is only one thing that we ought to know that would be the only reason for us to fall in love , marry someone, build a family, swallow all bitterness that comes with marriage and the imperfection of life and there is only one certainty, stability and source for happiness and the reason for doing all those would be for the one and only Allah :), I have come to realise that if i depend for my wife to keep me a happy man I would be unrealistic ... think of it its true...
Rizal Alwani:
Selamat Hari Raya to you too, bro'. :)
Maaf Zahir dan Batin - sorry that I missed the Program's open house, but I'm sure you understand the circumstances.
Maybe I'll attend next year's open house - once you guys are fully "independent". :)
As for the change of blog address - no, it has nothing to do with what you said.
There were much bigger issues relating to my anonymity - but I shall explain when I see you next.
As for your premise that the sole reason and motivation for all Muslims should be God - yes, of course, that cannot be disputed.
But aside from pure faith, manifestations of God's wonders and bounties are in all of the things that He created and has allowed us the pleasure to enjoy and manifest.
Love, children, laughter, family, colours, variety, inspiration, intelligence, hard work, goodwill, sharing, compassion, gratitude, joy, humility, success, wealth, integrity, wisdom, good health, preservation of nature and the environment and being in the service of others - they're all manifestations of what God allows us to feel through His greatness.
Of course, there is no ONE thing that makes us happy (although as human beings, we're all different in our priorities and weightage of what matters to us) - it's a cumulative of all things that God allows us to experience and feel.
Isn't part of loving and appreciating His creations in this world a part of loving God and being in His service?
Is our religion not meant for success and happiness in both this world and the next?
"Verily there are signs for those who believe" it is said in the Quran.
Seeeing the greatness of God, is not just about looking forward to the bounties of the Hereafter.
It's also about appreciating God's greatness and blessings in this temporary world and enjoying living an examplary life that makes a difference to others, (while we collect "pahala points" for the next life) while we're here.
The choice to live a good life and to have a harmonoious family, is a choice that serves God and our religion, too. In fact, it's encouraged.
Wallahua'lam. I know very little of these things - but that's just my personal interpretation, bro'.
To each his own.
"...all I want to be remembered as, is as a good husband, father and friend/colleague/partner."
It may not seem ambitious but it shows that you value the opinions of the people close to you more than yourself (i.e. what you can achieve or what you are capable of).
In previous endings, you were more often the dumpee than the dumper? The dumper would have moved on and let go. The dumpee is left looking for closure.
Anyway, good luck in the search.
Anon 2
Anon 2:
Actually, no.
When I say that's how I want to be remembered, that's my wish - not anyone else's. I want to be an example to my wife and children, one day.
As for my valuing the opinion of others close to me more than myself - that's not necessarily true.
There are many people who are close to me who feel that I'm under-performing well below my real potential in life. That I'm meant for greater things in life - like politics (or so they think)
But that doesn't change what I want. I want what I want, regardless of whether they think I'm capable of more.
I set the terms on how my life should be lived - and only God shall decide, where I should end up based on the way I've lived it.
And yes - in cases where I was the dumpee, sometimes it takes me ages for me to find closure.
And I would take that time, again and again.
My past mistakes have shown that it's better to move on once you've achieved and accepted permanent closure - than forcing oneself to move on, despite not having proper emotional closure.
(The latter is how "emotional baggages" get started,...and boy, do I KNOW about that)
It's not about the form of things and how it looks to others.
It's about the substance of closure and a truly clean new page, to start future chapters with other people and loved ones.
It's different for every individual, as we all have different thresholds and beliefs - not to mention different recovery rates.
But I have to go at my own pace and in my own way - to be fair to myself and others.
That's what I've learnt the hard way.
What I meant was that what's important to you, on your tombstone, is the quality of the relationship with people close to you (wife/kids/close friends: those who could actually say that he's a good husband/dad/friend) as opposed to your lifetime achievements (eg. he was Prime Minister from 2020 to 2030).
Your friends might want you to become, say, PM, but it's a different question altogether from whether, in their memory, you were a good friend.
Anon 2
Anon 2:
Thanks for the clarification.
But chances are - I'll never make a Minister in Malaysia (much less PM)because I don't believe in race-based politics.
But I hope I have it in me to be remembered as a good friend) to the friends who count), if not anything else.
God knows it's probably easier to achieve, than trying to make substantive change in Malaysian politics! ;)
"Isn't part of loving and appreciating His creations in this world a part of loving God and being in His service? "
I do agree with what you have said , however in the quest of appreciating His creations especially the loved ones we are dealing with a lot of imperfection , expectations and human emotions and behaviour which is truly very complicated for us to master .
Especially in the "bowling lanes" that we chose as entrepreneurs , challenges seem to be amplified and we are put to the test in our relationships with our spouses , partners, close family. And when turmoil strikes the only saviour that we really can count on is our love for Allah.
I remembered hearing words from my previous ustadz that the ultimate Love you can find is "kekasih Allah" , simple logic would tell you that its divine. Only recently i start calming myself down from threats of separation and complexities of marriage by abiding by the # 1 rule that I beleive "I am here as a steward to Allah!" everything I do is for Him and to him I shall seek happiness .
And its so beautiful that when you focus all your strength and priority to him , you will never find yourself neglecting anything and everything in your life for He takes care of you
I will never be able to love another human being as much as they want to, people change , expectations changes , circumstances change , beauty that was locked in the eye of the beholder changes too. therefore I am putting all my soul to One that is forever there . God Alhamdulillah
Rizal Alwani:
I'm glad to hear that you've found your path to peace, after all the significant challenges you've been through.
And yes, that's probably one of the ways that would work.
But all of us beats a path to God's door, in different ways.
As long as it espouses the good values that our religion teaches, it's okay to be human and to be disappointed, even if repeatedly.
It builds perspective and it teaches us to avoid being cynical and constantly anticipating others to let us down, simply because they're human.
It's a way of learning to appreciate the good things (and people)that happen to you.
How else would we learn to feel blessed, unless we learn to appreciate blessings (and calamities) both big and small?
To me, if the things we love, makes us appreciate better the providence and wisdom of the Almighty in our short life - it is still loving God above anything else.
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