Know What You're Worth

A discussion with a close friend in a car today, reminded me of one of the stories in the film - "Joy Luck Club", which was adapted to a movie and written by Amy Tan, relating the stories of the women in 4 migrant Chinese families, spanning over 3 generations.

One of the stories in "Joy Luck Club" revolved around a Chinese girl who married into a prominent American family and was trying to adapt to becoming the all-American socialite wife of the husband she adores. In effect, she was trying to be someone else, that she's not.

But somewhere along the way, in her self-imposed submissive transformation to please her husband - she loses herself, her convictions and stand on issues and with it, her own wishes and desires. And with it, unfortunately, her husband's attraction to her.

And her mother, seeing her regressive transformation, reminded her that she must know what she's worth.

She eventually did find the value of her self-worth - and it saved her marriage.

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On a somewhat related note, the close friend (let's call him, Mr Hammer - it's a long story, related to a poor analogy he once told) related to me something about myself, which I've heard before in one manifestation or another, but never quite intently listened to.


Mr. Hammer somewhat said to me: "Only give love and respect to others when people have earned it, from you. In most cases, it should not be unconditional, nor unlimited - give it to them, in the dosages that they deserve, at the stages when they deserve it - not a moment before that. Make them earn the love and respect you give them - only then, will they appreciate it".

They say good advice is only good advice, when it sounds good to you. And due to certain events - Mr Hammer's advice resonated in my mind, today. Like church bells, on a Sunday morning.

With lovers, family and friends - I've always been too generous with my love and my willingness to adapt, change or bend over backwards for them. They've never had to fight for my love, respect or attention - it will be given, as a matter of course - without mutual or reciprocal obligations.

It's a habit I acquired from childhood - most times, the elders and adults I had to deal with, we're not acting like the elders and adults they should be - and I always felt that if I couldn't change the circumstances, the least I could do, is to "compensate" and go beyond the role that is expected of me.

How else would I make things better?

Too much faith in people, too many misplaced loyalties, too many compromises and sacrifices made, too little self-respect and sense of self-preservation - too many times, it's led me up the garden path or to really difficult and painful places in my life.

Most times, I forget that I'm just as important, as the interest of any person that I would put ahead of my own.

Because as both Mr. Hammer and the "Joy Luck Club" correctly pointed out - if you don't know what you're worth, then no one else will.

Perhaps, it's a tad late in the day, to learn this lesson - but better late than never, right?