Fear Weaving

It creeps up on you, without you even realizing it.

Just when you think when you know what fear looks and feels like, it deceives you by embedding itself into your calculating logic and experience-based instincts, giving it a veneer of respectability and camouflaging the true nature of fear.

I asked myself a few days ago, whether I've become afraid to love.

The mind obviously said "no" - as whatever it was, it didn't feel or act like fear. It felt more like caution or prudent assessment, if you like - but it didn't have the scent of fear.

Surely, the mind is allowed to exercise some caution, after so much hurt and experience, no? I mean, what would we be, if we kept venturing forth repeatedly and knocking our heads in the same direction - without getting a different result? We would only be hurt, in the end, right?

And who wants to be hurt, right?

Experience is a good teacher - but it is only as good a teacher, as the (correct) lessons you extract from it.

But there are times when experience makes you fixed and rigid in your perspective and when you recognize "patterns" far too prematurely, in relationships - you tend to to "filter" a little too much, by mental checklists and criteria - as if you're now overcompensating, for too little filtering earlier on, in your romantic ventures and escapades.

And even if you're the gung-ho type to live your dreams - eventually, the battle scars wear you down and without realizing it - you let fear seep into your life - influencing crucial decisions, without you realizing it.

Even while you think you're still the hopeless romantic. Even as you're still doing loving and thoughtful gestures left, right and center for the people you love. Even if you'd rush over at a moment's notice to fulfill their needs or to be there for them, with a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on.

Even while all of this is happening - you've let fear creep in - because you find yourself hesitating from making your next move. You lie in wait - for a sign, for a stronger response, for acknowledgement and acceptance, for requital of one's love - until you decide that it's safe to put your heart on the line again.

You get stuck in the predictable, comfort zone of "this is as good, as it's going to get" and you accept it, even when your heart wants more and is ready to risk a beating, to get what it wants.

Your head tells you to stay in the same spot - to keep things placid and calm. Learn to have no expectations and you will not be disappointed. You convince yourself that it's not that bad, being where you are - even when your heart disagrees.

It's contentment with repressed misery, really - usually put up as a display for friends and strangers, who we feel would be happier, seeing us happy.



It's one thing when you don't realize that it's happening to you - most people in this world get by by an overriding belief in their own minds and logic, without ever considering the fact that the mind is too often a willing accomplice to console us, from our hidden fears and disappointments. Many things (both good and bad) make sense to us, when we persuade ourselves that this is the way things are meant to be.

They don't realize that it's happening to them - as they continually shift their perspective each time, to suit their changing landscape of circumstances.

They will take different "lessons" home, because experience to them, means never having to admit temporary failure, fear, guilt or misfortune or even involving a degree of self-introspection, that one could be wrong. It's reality packaged to your wants and expectations, in your mind. Just like most sitcoms - it's meant to have a happy ending.


And then there are some of us - who recognize fear, for what it is. And who have, in the past and in many aspects of their lives - strived, fought and refused to bow down to fear.

Yet, in all awareness, finding ourselves unable to take the next step, in love - because we're afraid of getting hurt - again.

Finding this unfamiliar crippling fear, weaving itself into the logic and treasure trove of experience - that has the tendency of shielding us from the "bad" and "risky" things. (Even we though we know full well, that no one has experienced the great rewards, without taking the necessary risks in life)

Cutting down our patience and tolerance for trying - because we've convinced ourselves that it will probably not work. Never giving anything time to develop, never letting anything grow into something deeper and more meaningful - despite the fact, that there's nothing that the heart wants more.

Perhaps, there is a finite limit to the human will to withstand emotional pain and disappointments, before it breaks and scurries off like a frightened squirrel. Perhaps, even the most sanguine and determined risk-takers of us in love, will eventually find a threshold, where fear imposingly confronts desire.

I recognize you, Fear - and I know what you're doing to me. And for the while, subconsciously, your presence cripples me. I'm not quite sure what to do about you.

But make no mistake - the heart is a resilient thing, given time, faith and even a smattering of love reciprocated from people that we love. It builds, it grows, it nurtures - and yes, it does overcome our fears.

I shall overcome you, Fear. Maybe not now, maybe one day. But I know you're there - and God willing, I shall overcome you.