Freud, Family and A Misplaced Sense of Obligation
I think it was Freud that once said that "All happy families are the same, every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way".
Something made me reflect on this statement last night. For most of us, family is the place within which the foundations of our self-esteem (and self-acceptance) are built on. "The child is the father of the man" I think Freud also used to say.
It would not be an over-statement to say that much of what happens to us in childhood, defines who we are as adults and the role we play in future relationships.
And unless we have the opportunity to come to terms with some of these issues that plague us from childhood - it remains as part of our psyche and shapes our outlook, our reactions and our sense of right and wrong.
Some of us get to deal with it and it makes them stronger people - although to some, it may seem that they're emotionally colder.
Some of us never find the opportunity, strength or conscience to deal with it and live with it - eternally emotionally hobbed by the scars of having to be premature adults, due to family elders that probably always tried their best but were never strong enough, to be good enough.
Freud was right - every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way. We play the cards that we are dealt with in life.
There is no one rule for right and wrong, when it comes to family - perhaps, the closest one that we can find, is when the lines of right and wrong, of what is proper and improper, are blurred - due to the love (and sometimes, an overriding sense of obligation)that we feel for our loved ones.
*********************************************
There are a few truisms that I have personally discovered in my short 33-year journey in life.
One is, if you have great idealistic expectations of family members who have never tried half as hard as you have, to do what's right - you will be severely disappointed.
Secondly, when you are disappointed with how much they have fallen short of your expectations - forgive them for the people they are, but stop yourself from being the self-appointed martyr that tries to make all things right.
For you will eventually die, but without the due recognition that martyrs deserve for their efforts. Most of the time, you will simply be misunderstood and regarded as "the odd one" fighting the tide in the family and simply not street-smart enough to be sufficiently selfish and to pass the buck.
Thirdly, whatever your good intentions in compensating for the deficiencies of family members and loved ones - don't let yourself become bitter about it and don't lose perspective and the "big picture" of how it affects you (and possibly, other people unrelated to your family) in the future.
You risk being unfair to the people you love and care about - and you risk being unfair to yourself too, in the long run.
You risk not understanding yourself sufficiently (if you don't think hard enough about who you are and who you can be) and you seem to roll on, from one mistake to the next, in an endless vicious cycle of being victimized - or sometimes, by force of habit - self-victimization.
Consciously or unsconsciously, our fears and expectations get carried on to the next generation - seeding their own set of fears and expectations. It's funny how as parents, we love to take the credit for the success of our children - but never or hardly take the blame for their shortcomings - or sometimes, even our own.
***************************************
I'd like to think that in my life, I've managed to escape many of the horrible things that my family have (deliberately or indeliberately) tried to impose on me - albeit with good intentions.
Much of this escape, I owe to the kindness of friends and strangers - people whom I have met along the way and who deemed me worthy of their love and respect, as I was growing up.
I dare say that whatever dose of healthy self-esteem that I have, came on the shoulders and hugs of lovers, friends and strangers - and not family. Of course, I could spend time mulling over that - but I choose to be grateful instead, for the kindness of others.
But there were two things that I did not manage to escape from - first, the self-imposed obligation I felt to marry the sort of girl that Mum expected me to and secondly, the self-imposed need I felt to play my "role" as a respectful younger brother who would have to sacrifice his own interests, to honour and fulfill his obligations to his elders and other family members.
I've carried both of these obligations since I was much younger in life - due to earlier grief, circumstances and expectations that had nothing to do with me - but which I felt was my due, to compensate for any shortfall.
It became my ordained "role" in this family - I began to believe, that as the family member who had more clarity and a stronger sense of obligation - that this was the part I was meant to play - this was why, I was born into this particular family. It became my "self-image" in the family - the kid that makes up for everyone else's shortfall to keep Mum (and sometimes, not very intelligent elder siblings) happy.
And both these self-imposed familial obligations have probably brought about the 2 biggest regrets and outcomes in my life. I've had to learn the lessons the hard way - it has previously brought about a divorce and my mother's broken heart, a near financial ruin and the almost-severing of ties, with one of my siblings.
It was a heavy price to pay, not only for myself - but for so many others that I've loved and cared for.
And some of them are purely innocent parties - but have had the tragedy of having to witness and experience first-hand the trauma and ugliness of the people I call, family members. I remember my ex-wife once exasperatedly asking: "What's wrong with your family?" - a question which I had no answers to. You can't choose your parents or your siblings.
Yes, I know better now - but then, for the sake of all who have been hurt - I wish I had known sooner and without having had to make some of the huge mistakes that I did.
*************************************
There's an old Malay saying: "Buat baik berpada-pada, buat jahat jangan sekali".
And nowhere is the context more true, I feel, than those who are trying to compensate for the handicap and deficiencies of a family unit.
It is best to know one's limit in "compensating", lest one compromises one's own sanity and good judgement. The real measure of love, is to first do no harm or evil, whether consciously or unconsciously.
When you've grown up in a complex family where adults are not quite the adults they're supposed to be and where you're trying to play the adult that they should be - you have to be extra-resilient and possess a strong mental and emotional clarity to survive - and to avoid side-effects on your character.
Or believe me - in the long-run, it will break you as a person. And others who depend on you, like your children. Or worse still, it will impair your sense of judgement on on issues and your general perspective of the world.
No one or nothing will ever seem good enough to you - because sometimes, we expect the river of kindness from souls, who are as dry as the desert. And what's worse, you will miss out on the many great things and people in life - people with values more aligned to your own and who can provide the things that you seek, in abundance.
God is ultimately fair - but the proportions of His fairness are never provided in quite the same way, as we mere mortals would perceive it.
Take a wider look at all His blessings and you will realize that even if you can't choose who your family members are - but sometimes, you are blessed with enough faculties and opportunities, to excel in life and love and to do what you need to do with family members - if you can find the strength for it.
But if you don't find the strength to overcome it, in measured balance - have no doubt that it will plague and destroy many of the good things that come your way, in your life. Where you can only accept the love you have to fight (fairly or unfairly) for and never the love that you deserve.
It will make you bitter and it will draw up in your mind, the unfairness of Life. Sooner or later, it may drown out any sense of gratefulness you may have - leaving you jaded, albeit in a half-blessed environment.
******************************************
For some of you reading this - you may be able to relate, perhaps due to your own unique circumstances in your family. And my advice to you is the same: "Buat baik berpada-pada, buat jahat jangan sekali"
Have the good intentions - any child or sibling should.
But don't always be the one to pick up on the crumbs and failings of other family members - sometimes, the only way to be a true adult is to turn others into adults and not to be a permanent crutch to their self-imposed handicap and deficiencies.
Sometimes, the only way to protect them from themselves - is to let them feel the full force and consequence of their actions.
People can only change through awareness, mistakes and adversity - depriving them of that shifts the shared responsibility of doing what's right, from them to you. Realize that in the general scheme of things - people are not born noble and just, even if they are blood-related to you.
Outward professions of familial love mean nothing, unless family members can shoulder their responsibilities as adults, when they're supposed to. Blood may be thicker than water, but good character and values, are much purer and stronger than blood. After all, the sincerity of love is not defined by family lines and boundaries.
Good luck to all of you and your families. Yes, you're right - you were meant to be here - but what you choose to do, is your choice and yours alone. And believe me, as difficult as it may seem - there is always a choice, even if they be hard ones or the ones that you can't yet open your heart and mind to.
But eventually, you must confront the problem, or it will confront you - perhaps, with far more damaging consequences. Bad families are like dread diseases like cancer and heart disease - you can't cure it on painkillers, alone.
Something made me reflect on this statement last night. For most of us, family is the place within which the foundations of our self-esteem (and self-acceptance) are built on. "The child is the father of the man" I think Freud also used to say.
It would not be an over-statement to say that much of what happens to us in childhood, defines who we are as adults and the role we play in future relationships.
And unless we have the opportunity to come to terms with some of these issues that plague us from childhood - it remains as part of our psyche and shapes our outlook, our reactions and our sense of right and wrong.
Some of us get to deal with it and it makes them stronger people - although to some, it may seem that they're emotionally colder.
Some of us never find the opportunity, strength or conscience to deal with it and live with it - eternally emotionally hobbed by the scars of having to be premature adults, due to family elders that probably always tried their best but were never strong enough, to be good enough.
Freud was right - every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way. We play the cards that we are dealt with in life.
There is no one rule for right and wrong, when it comes to family - perhaps, the closest one that we can find, is when the lines of right and wrong, of what is proper and improper, are blurred - due to the love (and sometimes, an overriding sense of obligation)that we feel for our loved ones.
*********************************************
There are a few truisms that I have personally discovered in my short 33-year journey in life.
One is, if you have great idealistic expectations of family members who have never tried half as hard as you have, to do what's right - you will be severely disappointed.
Secondly, when you are disappointed with how much they have fallen short of your expectations - forgive them for the people they are, but stop yourself from being the self-appointed martyr that tries to make all things right.
For you will eventually die, but without the due recognition that martyrs deserve for their efforts. Most of the time, you will simply be misunderstood and regarded as "the odd one" fighting the tide in the family and simply not street-smart enough to be sufficiently selfish and to pass the buck.
Thirdly, whatever your good intentions in compensating for the deficiencies of family members and loved ones - don't let yourself become bitter about it and don't lose perspective and the "big picture" of how it affects you (and possibly, other people unrelated to your family) in the future.
You risk being unfair to the people you love and care about - and you risk being unfair to yourself too, in the long run.
You risk not understanding yourself sufficiently (if you don't think hard enough about who you are and who you can be) and you seem to roll on, from one mistake to the next, in an endless vicious cycle of being victimized - or sometimes, by force of habit - self-victimization.
Consciously or unsconsciously, our fears and expectations get carried on to the next generation - seeding their own set of fears and expectations. It's funny how as parents, we love to take the credit for the success of our children - but never or hardly take the blame for their shortcomings - or sometimes, even our own.
***************************************
I'd like to think that in my life, I've managed to escape many of the horrible things that my family have (deliberately or indeliberately) tried to impose on me - albeit with good intentions.
Much of this escape, I owe to the kindness of friends and strangers - people whom I have met along the way and who deemed me worthy of their love and respect, as I was growing up.
I dare say that whatever dose of healthy self-esteem that I have, came on the shoulders and hugs of lovers, friends and strangers - and not family. Of course, I could spend time mulling over that - but I choose to be grateful instead, for the kindness of others.
But there were two things that I did not manage to escape from - first, the self-imposed obligation I felt to marry the sort of girl that Mum expected me to and secondly, the self-imposed need I felt to play my "role" as a respectful younger brother who would have to sacrifice his own interests, to honour and fulfill his obligations to his elders and other family members.
I've carried both of these obligations since I was much younger in life - due to earlier grief, circumstances and expectations that had nothing to do with me - but which I felt was my due, to compensate for any shortfall.
It became my ordained "role" in this family - I began to believe, that as the family member who had more clarity and a stronger sense of obligation - that this was the part I was meant to play - this was why, I was born into this particular family. It became my "self-image" in the family - the kid that makes up for everyone else's shortfall to keep Mum (and sometimes, not very intelligent elder siblings) happy.
And both these self-imposed familial obligations have probably brought about the 2 biggest regrets and outcomes in my life. I've had to learn the lessons the hard way - it has previously brought about a divorce and my mother's broken heart, a near financial ruin and the almost-severing of ties, with one of my siblings.
It was a heavy price to pay, not only for myself - but for so many others that I've loved and cared for.
And some of them are purely innocent parties - but have had the tragedy of having to witness and experience first-hand the trauma and ugliness of the people I call, family members. I remember my ex-wife once exasperatedly asking: "What's wrong with your family?" - a question which I had no answers to. You can't choose your parents or your siblings.
Yes, I know better now - but then, for the sake of all who have been hurt - I wish I had known sooner and without having had to make some of the huge mistakes that I did.
*************************************
There's an old Malay saying: "Buat baik berpada-pada, buat jahat jangan sekali".
And nowhere is the context more true, I feel, than those who are trying to compensate for the handicap and deficiencies of a family unit.
It is best to know one's limit in "compensating", lest one compromises one's own sanity and good judgement. The real measure of love, is to first do no harm or evil, whether consciously or unconsciously.
When you've grown up in a complex family where adults are not quite the adults they're supposed to be and where you're trying to play the adult that they should be - you have to be extra-resilient and possess a strong mental and emotional clarity to survive - and to avoid side-effects on your character.
Or believe me - in the long-run, it will break you as a person. And others who depend on you, like your children. Or worse still, it will impair your sense of judgement on on issues and your general perspective of the world.
No one or nothing will ever seem good enough to you - because sometimes, we expect the river of kindness from souls, who are as dry as the desert. And what's worse, you will miss out on the many great things and people in life - people with values more aligned to your own and who can provide the things that you seek, in abundance.
God is ultimately fair - but the proportions of His fairness are never provided in quite the same way, as we mere mortals would perceive it.
Take a wider look at all His blessings and you will realize that even if you can't choose who your family members are - but sometimes, you are blessed with enough faculties and opportunities, to excel in life and love and to do what you need to do with family members - if you can find the strength for it.
But if you don't find the strength to overcome it, in measured balance - have no doubt that it will plague and destroy many of the good things that come your way, in your life. Where you can only accept the love you have to fight (fairly or unfairly) for and never the love that you deserve.
It will make you bitter and it will draw up in your mind, the unfairness of Life. Sooner or later, it may drown out any sense of gratefulness you may have - leaving you jaded, albeit in a half-blessed environment.
******************************************
For some of you reading this - you may be able to relate, perhaps due to your own unique circumstances in your family. And my advice to you is the same: "Buat baik berpada-pada, buat jahat jangan sekali"
Have the good intentions - any child or sibling should.
But don't always be the one to pick up on the crumbs and failings of other family members - sometimes, the only way to be a true adult is to turn others into adults and not to be a permanent crutch to their self-imposed handicap and deficiencies.
Sometimes, the only way to protect them from themselves - is to let them feel the full force and consequence of their actions.
People can only change through awareness, mistakes and adversity - depriving them of that shifts the shared responsibility of doing what's right, from them to you. Realize that in the general scheme of things - people are not born noble and just, even if they are blood-related to you.
Outward professions of familial love mean nothing, unless family members can shoulder their responsibilities as adults, when they're supposed to. Blood may be thicker than water, but good character and values, are much purer and stronger than blood. After all, the sincerity of love is not defined by family lines and boundaries.
Good luck to all of you and your families. Yes, you're right - you were meant to be here - but what you choose to do, is your choice and yours alone. And believe me, as difficult as it may seem - there is always a choice, even if they be hard ones or the ones that you can't yet open your heart and mind to.
But eventually, you must confront the problem, or it will confront you - perhaps, with far more damaging consequences. Bad families are like dread diseases like cancer and heart disease - you can't cure it on painkillers, alone.
posted by Stingrayz | 11:04 AM
11 Comments:
i have both good and bad memories of my childhood which i don't feel like talking bout here.
but i can say that reading freud screwed me up more than my childhood :D
Clarissa:
You're right. Freud didn't always make sense - but where he's right, he's spot on. :)
Or then again - maybe you just had a pretty good childhood. ;)
OMG! What great timing (for this post I mean). Am forwarding this to someone. Thanks for uncluttering my head, yet again!
Najah:
We aim to please, dear. :)
Maybe I should go into the professional "uncluttering" business, huh? ;) As long as it's not my life that I'm trying to unclutter. Haha!
Isn't that the way it is.. that we can so easily unclutter someone else's life and can't seem to see what's right in front of our eyes.. but I guess that's what friends are for!
BTW, Idris suruh you keep CNY weekend for his 1st bday party. He promises to invite some hot chicks.
Najah:
Too true, dear. I guess we lack the objectivity and clarity of being an impartial 3rd party, when we're trying to unclutter ourselves. :)
Tell little wonderboy Idris, Uncle Ray will do his best to make it for the weekend of his 1st birthday. :)
As for hot chicks, I hope he doesn't meant KFC Hot & Spicy! ;)
hey there..
i have to say that ur latest post kinda gave me an insight on this issue which has affected me tremendously at one point of my life.i cant say that i can totally relate to u on this matter but i have to say that my experience was more of the third party who gets affected by a loved one's 'dysfunctional' family problems.i did my best to be the supportive one for 6 years-give and take,only to be left high and dry & completely exhausted towards the end,making me a bitter person, which im not usually am.
it's true that we dont choose our family.we're born into it but it's up to us to make the most of it.from what i can gather from ur blog,u have the love & support of good friends to compensate the so called 'normal' family love that we all are supposed to receive throughout our whole lives.
Like you, i'm lucky to have a bunch of friends who i can rely on when the going gets tough :)
there's more that i want to express but i wouldnt want to bore u with my long comments.btw thanks for the reply to my comments in ur previous posting :)
hope its not too late to wish u salam aidiladha & happy new year.
Aries213:
Salam Aidiladha and Happy New Year, to you too, dear. :)
Sorry to hear about your 6-year experience. :(
Sometimes, being a 3rd party of a loved one's family, from the outside looking in, can be just as tough.:(
The tough breaks can be hard to accept, but almost always, they're life-shaping and strengthens us, like no other experience in life.
It makes us resilient - it ensures that we bounce back after every downward curve, life throws us.
Yes, on my side, I've always been lucky to have the love of good friends (and sometimes, their parents and siblings too).
Yes, I learnt to "compensate" from when I was much younger in life - unwilling to be deprived of the experiences that I feel I should be going through in life - and I'm still doing it now.
In my younger days, it was other people's parents that compensated, for the lack of affection at home.
In current day, it's other people's children - just in case I never get the opportunity to have my own - I don't want to be deprived of the opportunity to love and nurture a child, just like she or he was my own.
But thanks for sharing your thoughts with me, on this issue. I appreciate it. :)
Stingrayz,
No problem at all on the view sharing :)It's just that i dont really know anyone who i can actually relate to on the topic.
But u are right on the part abt it being a life shaping experience 4 me.Life is full of challenges after all :)
On a more personal note,Ive been going through ur older postings and i came across an entry regarding abt the 7/7 incident.Just in case if its merely a coincidence,I just want to confirm if ur cousin is the daughter of Uncle Omar & Anty Faridah?
Would be nice to know if i got the right person though.Hope u dont mind answerin ;) Will let u knw more if its the right person.Dont want to get my hopes up.
Hope ur day goes well. :)
Ray,
Family is not just about blood ties. Though I have been lucky with regards to my family.
Am glad to know you are counting your blessings.
Najah,
Hmm maybe you can charge a service fee on behalf of Idris since you are using him as the hot chick detector :-)
Aries213:
This is anonymous blog, dear.
All names have been changed or concealed to protect their identities - their identities are not as important as the sharing and the lesson to be extracted from it all.
Plus, I don't disclose names - and neither should you on this blog. Hope those rules are fine by you, dear.
But just to reply you - no, I don't have any cousins whose parents are Uncle Omar or Aunty Faridah. Sorry, dear - it's not the same person.
Haqita02:
Am happy to be the voice of your mind, dear. :)
Xena:
Yeah, I know - family is not just about blood ties. Sometimes, the love you feel for people outside your family, exceeds belief.
But yes, am counting my blessings on most days - though on some rough days, I'm prone to forget. ;)
Najah:
Don't listen to Xena! :D
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