The Great Responsibility of Friendship?

When you see a close long-time friend making a string of mistakes that would be detrimental to himself and others around him, what do you do?

The answer used to be more obvious to me, when I was younger. Nowadays, all I am now, is hesitant. Not because I don't care - but more because there is no one shoe size that fits all.

After all, everyone's different - we all have different priorities, different things that we emphasise on and different ideas of what proper order and sequence in life, means.

Different strokes for different folks - a disaster in my eyes, might be a blessing in yours.

People have succeeded in many ways, using many different routes - who are we to tell our friends that something they're doing, will not work? And that it will bring about a worse outcome for him?

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But there are some things where impending disaster is just inevitable, if you keep going on the same track. Where it's just plain common sense.

Like taking drugs. Or drinking yourself silly from morning till night. Or just plain over-spending and under-earning, the famous formula for financial disasters. Or being so focused on a single future objective that you compromise everything and everyone close to you, to achieve it.

All the times when I've been honest and frank with my friends - some appreciate it, some take the advice and some,...just never talk to me about the issue again.

And once I know they've taken a stand on an issue, I withdraw. I want to be able to treat adults like adults - you advice them as peers, not children. Where you remind them about the pitfalls and leave them to think and decide on the natural consequences of their own actions. Where you don't always offer them a safety net and spoil them silly.

Letting adults be adults is the best way for them to learn, I believe. It's good in the sense that they come to their own conclusions - instead of them feeling like you're patronizing them.

But in most cases, the damage done can have a detrimental and prolonged impact on one's life, if not a permanent one. And in some cases, it will scar innocent parties like parents and children for life, too - it shapes their fears and outlook.

What sort of friend would let another friend go through that, you may ask?

My answer to that is simple: A friend who wants to keep the friendship.

A friend that still wants to be there, when the chips are down - whatever wrong turns you've made. A friend that neither wants to judge or say "I told you so". A friend that will be there for you, regardless of the fact that you're making a mess out of yourself and others - because you can't seem to see the wood for the trees.

A friend who will accept you, for who you are - because he has enough respect for you, to decide on your own course and let you live your own life, after the advice has been given.

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A conversation with a few friends last night churned out that memorable phrase from the film "Spiderman" - "With great power, comes great responsibility". It came up in the context of a friend, whom we all feel have gone down a wayward and self-destructive path.

The fact that he consistently showed the same pattern in previous parts of his life, reaffirmed our convictions that he was going on a downward spiral, that would bring him and his loved ones, down with him.

Although I refused to let past track records, be a main arbiter for his future. People can change and people do. And sometimes, they do straighten out, once they've found something that keeps them on an even keel.

But honestly, the signs of disaster are all there.

The constant lies, the loss of financial control, the imprudent spending, the unbridled but unrealistic optimism that all things will fall into place, the inability to have a sense of proportion and to put things in order, before taking the next big step. It's all elementary - but not quite to him, currently, I feel.


What is our great responsibility as friends then? The group differed on this point.

Some feel that we should grab him by the collar and shake him silly. Some feel that we should be more assertive in driving home our points.

I took a diametrically opposed stand.

Unless we had a real solution to suit HIM and the situation, we shouldn't even bother, really. Just give the advice and if it has fallen on deaf ears, just walk away.

After all, a part of responsibility in a friendship, is respect, isn't it? It means not allowing our own opinion or personal stand, to encroach on and interfere in the other person's life.

Having said that, however - we also recognized that the impact of some actions in life, are irreversible. And that our friend might grow to regret it, one day.

But it's his personal choice and risk to take, really.

And who the hell is purely rational now, anyway? Asalkan hidup tak menyusahkan orang,...not that I can really say that, about him. He's beginning to be a financial burden to both family and friends.

Truth be told - sometimes, as a friend, we don't know whether what we're doing is good enough, to help our close friends.

But as I get older - I'm beginning to get more conscious of the lines that should and should not be crossed, in friendships. The closeness you feel, should never be a license not to respect their decisions, to erode your faith in them or to pull back your support for their decisions or actions.

That's part of being a responsible friend, too.

And even though it may be enough and future lessons may be a painful one to him (and many others around him) - but being a good friend, is occasionally like being a good parent to adult children.

You've got to advice them and after that, respect their decisions, let them go make their own mistakes but always let them know that you'll always be there for love and support, no matter what happens.

And pray - that it's enough.

Who said things get simpler as we get older?

It doesn't - human beings only simplify it in their minds and change their way of looking at things. But a shipwreck is still a shipwreck, no matter how you look at it.

It does not change the reality of things.