Drifting
Why do people drift apart from each other?
This was an interesting question that appeared in my mind, the other day.
Why do some form of relationships (and I'm talking about all forms of relationships and not just romantic ones, here) remain close and others don't? Why is it that the relationships that you don't work so hard on seem to last and those that you do, always either seem to slowly diminish or disappear as quickly as it came?
In some relationships, it's plainly clear - a determining event culminates in the death of the relationship - like a break-up where you never (or hardly) talk to the ex again.
In some relationships, perhaps the bond you share was due to some familial, life status, physical, professional or environmental proximity - like being being family members, bachelors, neighbours, colleagues or members of the same club/organization/fraternity or interest.
And when those links break, or are not shared anymore or leads to a distancing - the relationships tend to drift away too.
Unless they've built a deeper bond with each other that fortifies the relationship despite the lack of proximity which they're used to. And with some others, the bond remains because of the history and the memories that you've had together, despite not being as close to the other person, as you were before.
In some relationships - you know why people drift away. It makes sense and it makes everything easier to swallow.
And in others, you don't. There's no rhyme or reason for it.
A lovely 20-something girl (with a 30-year old mind) once said to me - "you don't earn your love from people, they give it to you".
And it struck me that she's partly right. They give it to you and they can take it away from you - as they wish it.
Sometimes, the reason could relate to you. But sometimes, it does not - it relates to them.
And just sometimes - you don't know what the hell the reason is. But you can consciously feel yourself drifting apart from the other person and vice-versa. No arguments, no debates, no storms nor thunder.
But the substance of what used to make the relationship special simply,....disappears.
You don't look forward to the person's calls anymore. You don't reply to it, as fast as you did anymore.
You don't feel loved or given your due consideration, therefore subconsciously, you start pulling back, as well.
And before you know it - you've drifted. You become strangers, because you treat each other like strangers and sometimes, with less respect and consideration than acquaintances.
Maybe it's because we take things for granted. Maybe it's because we're going through a temporary or permanent phase. Maybe it's because we love ourselves more than other people. Maybe it's because we've never truly cared for the relationship anyway - who knows?
But every action has a consequence. And whether we're aware of it or not - no form of relationship can survive on a one-way desire and commitment to keep it going (unless you're the mother of a child, perhaps)
It goes without saying that some relationships will remain with you longer than others - and these are the ones that you will cherish the most. Because of the time, love and consideration that both sides give and the commitment that you build (dare I say earn) from being there, when it counts to the other person.
Some relationships will evolve - you are no longer as close, but they remain special in your hearts or in some parts of your memory of shared experiences. And you will spend a part of your time nurturing it, to ensure that the bond lasts, even if you only see them 2-3 times a year.
Some relationships will die - because they have to. Because it's the right thing to do and events between the both of you dictate that it's best to do so.
But some relationships - will just regretfully, fade away - for no reason. Like awful actors that pretend and keep up a facade that everything's okay - when it's not.
Where the foundations of mutual respect, affection and consideration are eroded to the point of no return. Where the hypocrisy of not wanting to offend the other person exceeds the value of fighting for what's good in the relationship.
Where past history is simply just that - past history and it adds nothing to the depth of your esteem or consideration, for the other person.
I guess sometimes, we cannot measure the things that we don't know how to value. And what you cannot value, you won't bother saving.
In some relationships - you don't earn your love, people give it to you.
And in these sort of relationships - you better be prepared to let things drift away.
Like an expected death without a funeral, without grieving - just a mixed bag of numbed despair and quiet acceptance.
This was an interesting question that appeared in my mind, the other day.
Why do some form of relationships (and I'm talking about all forms of relationships and not just romantic ones, here) remain close and others don't? Why is it that the relationships that you don't work so hard on seem to last and those that you do, always either seem to slowly diminish or disappear as quickly as it came?
In some relationships, it's plainly clear - a determining event culminates in the death of the relationship - like a break-up where you never (or hardly) talk to the ex again.
In some relationships, perhaps the bond you share was due to some familial, life status, physical, professional or environmental proximity - like being being family members, bachelors, neighbours, colleagues or members of the same club/organization/fraternity or interest.
And when those links break, or are not shared anymore or leads to a distancing - the relationships tend to drift away too.
Unless they've built a deeper bond with each other that fortifies the relationship despite the lack of proximity which they're used to. And with some others, the bond remains because of the history and the memories that you've had together, despite not being as close to the other person, as you were before.
In some relationships - you know why people drift away. It makes sense and it makes everything easier to swallow.
And in others, you don't. There's no rhyme or reason for it.
A lovely 20-something girl (with a 30-year old mind) once said to me - "you don't earn your love from people, they give it to you".
And it struck me that she's partly right. They give it to you and they can take it away from you - as they wish it.
Sometimes, the reason could relate to you. But sometimes, it does not - it relates to them.
And just sometimes - you don't know what the hell the reason is. But you can consciously feel yourself drifting apart from the other person and vice-versa. No arguments, no debates, no storms nor thunder.
But the substance of what used to make the relationship special simply,....disappears.
You don't look forward to the person's calls anymore. You don't reply to it, as fast as you did anymore.
You don't feel loved or given your due consideration, therefore subconsciously, you start pulling back, as well.
And before you know it - you've drifted. You become strangers, because you treat each other like strangers and sometimes, with less respect and consideration than acquaintances.
Maybe it's because we take things for granted. Maybe it's because we're going through a temporary or permanent phase. Maybe it's because we love ourselves more than other people. Maybe it's because we've never truly cared for the relationship anyway - who knows?
But every action has a consequence. And whether we're aware of it or not - no form of relationship can survive on a one-way desire and commitment to keep it going (unless you're the mother of a child, perhaps)
It goes without saying that some relationships will remain with you longer than others - and these are the ones that you will cherish the most. Because of the time, love and consideration that both sides give and the commitment that you build (dare I say earn) from being there, when it counts to the other person.
Some relationships will evolve - you are no longer as close, but they remain special in your hearts or in some parts of your memory of shared experiences. And you will spend a part of your time nurturing it, to ensure that the bond lasts, even if you only see them 2-3 times a year.
Some relationships will die - because they have to. Because it's the right thing to do and events between the both of you dictate that it's best to do so.
But some relationships - will just regretfully, fade away - for no reason. Like awful actors that pretend and keep up a facade that everything's okay - when it's not.
Where the foundations of mutual respect, affection and consideration are eroded to the point of no return. Where the hypocrisy of not wanting to offend the other person exceeds the value of fighting for what's good in the relationship.
Where past history is simply just that - past history and it adds nothing to the depth of your esteem or consideration, for the other person.
I guess sometimes, we cannot measure the things that we don't know how to value. And what you cannot value, you won't bother saving.
In some relationships - you don't earn your love, people give it to you.
And in these sort of relationships - you better be prepared to let things drift away.
Like an expected death without a funeral, without grieving - just a mixed bag of numbed despair and quiet acceptance.
posted by Stingrayz | 8:04 PM
11 Comments:
Come now, what brought this on? :)
The same reason why, after a time, we get bored of TV sitcoms/series. The novelty wears out. Familiarity breeds contempt.
Talking about Malay movies, since the 90s, the only Malay movies I've watched in full are "Sepet", "Perempuan, Isteri dan ...", "Ringgit Kasorgga" and "PGL" (on VCD after I saw the musical). Seeing how uncultured I am, what would you say are the top 5 Malay movies from 1990 till now that are worth watching?
Anon 2
Anon 2:
What brought this on, does not really matter.
If things are meant to happen, they just happen - with or without our willingness.
I guess I've found to my great surprise that I have my limits too - even with people I deeply care about.
Actually, I don't agree that familiarity always breeds contempt. And neither do good relationships of any form survive on the high of pure novelty.
All good relationships are a product of what you keep giving and what you keep receiving, with full sincerity from both sides.
As long as the 2-way street is good enough for both of you - it will last.
Turn it into a one-sided friendship and fall short of the bare minimum required by at least, one side - and you will lose what's good about it.
Good question on the top 5 Malay movies since 1990.
Taste is a very subjective matter (bacause I'm partial to movies with a heavy drama motif) and for a lot of movies that I would consider good ones, many others may not think so.
Therefore, I'll give you my top 11, (11 because it must include Cinta) instead of 5 - saves me the trouble of elimination. ;)
My top 10 (in no particular order), are as follows:-
1) Cinta
2) Embun
3) Sayang Salmah
4) Perempuan, Isteri dan....
5) Perempuan Melayu Terakhir
6) Selubung
7) Trauma
8) Baik Punya Cilok
9) Sepet
10) Jogho
11) Hingga Ke Hujung Nyawa
And I said since 1990 - because that was the year Habsah Hassan's "Hati Bukan Kristal" came out (featuring that famous line by a young and sultry Erma Fatima - "Rumah kata pergi, Kubur kata mari!")
Although it was a box-office flop, but it was a good movie.
There's another movie that I personally think should be in my top 11.
It's called "Idola" by Aziz M. Osman - but I think that film may be an acquired taste. But personally, I liked it - I thought it was one of Aziz M. Osman's best.
Pick any 5 from the above (although you MUST watch Cinta) and I think at least, you'll begin to give Malaysian movies the benefit of the doubt. :)
ray, i saw "Cinta" over the weekend (missed the beginning coz of the horrible jam at midval, and had interruptions towards the end - now feel like watching it again!).
best malay movie (and best-looking malay movie - kl had never looked so interesting in a non cliche fashion) i have seen in ages.
and yes the soundtrack (apart from one or two yg tak kena) was great.
thanks for the heads-up.
: )
Lita:
Glad you enjoyed it, dear. :) Tell your family and friends about it and tell them to go, k?
Ervan and I were toying with the idea of setting up a Malaysian movie critics club, with the objective of encouraging young middle-class and above Malaysian urbanites, to return to the cinema to watch local movies.
You wanna join in, dear? :)
haiyaah. the lovely 20-sumthin girl with a 30-year old mind is not just "partially" right. she is totally right! you can't earn love from people, nor can you command it. love is GIVEN. and it can't be measured by your requirements - bare minimum etc etc. if you are sincere then you don't need the scales. if you need the scales you are not capable of unconditional love. and when love is not given to you, stop pondering upon it and move on. look at those around you who gives you love (and more) and love them back. more worthwhile for you man...
ray - sounds intruiging! do let me know more. there's a bunch of malay movies coming out soon, if the posters at the cinema are to be believed! am most curious.
Anonymous:
I respect your opinion - I still think the 20-something girl with a 30-year old mind, is only partially right.
Yes, love is given when it starts out - it's either there or not there.
But when love has been given, it's commitment ob both sides that keeps it there.
The commitment you give is the way you "earn" to keep that love and relationship there. If you don't put in the work, even relationships that start out good will corrode and eventually, come to a dead stop.
I believe that limitless unconditional love is only from a mother to a child. Or from God to His beings.
Any other form of relationship requires mutual respect, parameters and commitment to make it work - it's only "unconditional" granted those mutual parameters are fulfilled.
Even the Malay peribahasa recognizes minimal reciprocity that is based on respect, when they say "orang berbudi, kita berbahasa".
That's what I mean by "bare minimum".
And I think all human beings have their "bare minimum" limits (beyond the limits of which, they will snap) - it's just a matter of whether they ever reach it or not, within their lifetime.
And there's nothing wrong with pondering, occasionally. A life without reflection, is not one that is worth living.
We are mortals with feelings, not machines that just switches gears, to increase effectiveness and efficiency.
As for giving more to those that give more - that was one of the resolutions that I made not so long ago and I'm still trying my best to improve on it.
But sometimes, it boils down to the reasons behind why "love is given and not earned" - you can't choose who you love, especially if you're like me, a creature of passion.
Lita:
Cool! Will discuss it with Ervan and keep you posted.
Unconditional love - parent to a child-lah; Dad's are capable of it too. :)
I've seen the adverts and heard Anuar Zain. OK, I'm sold, I'll see "Cinta". But is it a movie you'd want to see with your other half or on your own?
Your Top 11 list didn't include "Gol & Gincu" or the Pontianak movie. Should I give them a miss?
Anon 2
Anon 2:
Some dads are. In my experience and observation, dads with "unconditional" love are still a minority.
Maybe generally, it's not in the nature to be as selfless, enduring and accepting as women are, when it comes to children.
Although "Gol & Gincu" was not in my top 11, it would have been in my top 15, actually.
It's certainly one of the more entertaining movies around and Sazzy Falak did a convincing job in the movie, which won her the Best Supporting Actress award.
As for "Pontianak Harum Sundal Malam" - it's still worth a watch with some good acting by the beautiful Maya Karin and Nanu Baharuddin and some good cinematography.
But overall, I wouldn't rate it as one of the top Malaysian movies I've ever watched. That's just my personal opinion, of course.
I highly recommend "Ciplak" by Khairil M. Bahar...never a dull moment, from beginning to end... to me at least :)
Anonymous:
Yes, "Ciplak" is an intelligent movie by Malaysian standards, although a bit raw and lacking on the financing, I suspect.
I'm hoping to see more good work from Khairil Bahar, in future.
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