A Little Heartbreak Prayer

Ms. Heartbreaker told me that if I didn't receive any calls from her, when she's in Pangkor Laut, it would be indicative of her reply to my proposal.

2 out of 5 days - still no calls, so far. It's ominous - I really should read between the lines. :( I should stop fooling myself, thinking that I'm more important to her, than I really am. After all, women are very pragmatic creatures - despite their romantic pretences.

But it's SO hard - because I don't understand how actions can perhaps, deviate from words of affection, so lovingly spoken, just the day before. But maybe I'm just "out of sight, out of mind" for her.

The road ahead without her, seems dark and endless. It was quite obvious, that I was going to suffer for my leap of faith, this time. But I couldn't help myself - I was happier with her (despite all obstacles) than I've been in so many years. It's been too long since I looked forward to someone, every day of my life.

What's even more disturbing is that this time, I really feel that I have no one talk to, on this. Most of my closest friends had either disapproved of this pursuit and are almost trigger-happy to say "I told you SO!". They told me, that this would probably lead to heartbreak.

So, here I am. A strong person admired by many, whose only outlet, is to a blog. Wonderful. Just wonderful. :(

And of course, I have Neruda as an ointment for the scarred soul. There are times when his words speak my thoughts and feelings. Like the following passage:


"Don't go far off, not even for a day, because -
because - I don't know how to say it, a day is long
and I will be waiting for you, as in an empty station
when the trains are parked off somewhere else, asleep.

Don't leave me, even for an hour, because
then the little drops of anguish will all run together,
the smoke that roams looking for a home will drift
into me, choking my lost heart

Oh, may your silhouette never dissolve on the beach;
may your eyelids never flutter into the empty distance.
Don't leave me for a second, my dearest,

because in that moment, you'll have gone so far
I'll wonder mazily over the earth, asking
Will you come back? Will you leave me here, dying?"



Dear God, please give me her lifetime or give me the strength to survive her loss, for a lifetime. I plead for your Mercy and Compassion - for I have given it my ALL. And this pain may break me, permanently.

Dear God, hear my pleas and prepare me the light, at the end of the dark, silent tunnel. For I am totally alone on this, without You.