Weekends for the Orphaned Bachelor

Nowadays, I'm beginning to dread weekends. Weekends now to me, signify emptiness.

For most people, weekends represent the opportunity to spend quality time, with one's own family or their aging parents. Or perhaps to have some quiet quality time with one's fiancee, or girlfriend. Or just the opportunity to party and let one's hair down with friends, away from the maddening stress of their weekday jobs.

I swear that I almost get a panic attack when the weekend approaches. No meetings, no brainstorming, no partners and clients, no NGO work and helping people - the stuff that keep my weekdays occupied.

My parents have passed on. My siblings all have their own family and are very protective of their family time together. Not that I get along with most of them, anyway.

Weekends for me, lies usually on the hope that some friends would join me for a few hours of karaoke on a Sunday noon. Or to catch up for banana leaf rice, at a restaurant. Or for a midnight teh tarik with the boys at Sri Hartamas.

Or that someone would like to catch up over a game of Scrabble at La Bodega Lounge in Bangsar, on a Saturday afternoon (and make it a better afternoon, by losing to me). Or visits to MPH, to buy a few more books which I don't need. Though, Saturday nights now are more bearable now, because of Akademi Fantasia - but watching it alone, leaves a very incomplete feeling - who would you discuss the contestants with?

Or at worse, I'll catch a movie alone. Which I hate doing, really. But having a movie alone, is better than not having a movie at all. Theoretically speaking, that is.

Why don't you date, you may ask? Well, it's because I'm tired of throwing myself in front of people who don't want me. And I'm tired of fending off people, who I don't entirely want. For people of a certain age group, dating hardly comes without strings nowadays. And furthermore, good conversation is so hard to come, by nowadays.


I know, I know. You're probably thinking - don't knock it. A lot of people would relish such time, not having to spend the obligatory Sunday with their families. My friends who are parents, complain often enough that they don't have enough time and space, just to be by themselves, for a while.


I acknowledge that. Don't want to get caught up in a "the grass is greener" debate. Everyone has their own grass in life and we have to make the best of it. It's just that - not having a family or someone to call my own, makes me feel "rootless". (Yes, I know I've written about this before - but the problem still persists)

Especially on weekends.

Yes, I could make the effort to pack up the "fillers" for the weekend, like all the abovementioned activities. But at the end of the day - that's what they are - "fillers". I'm not building anything for the long-term, except for stronger friendships. And friends - well, they have their own lives to live too.

And sometimes, all the "fillers" don't work out. Plans made are cancelled last-minute, inconsiderate people don't revert to you with their plans or everyone just has their own thing to do. And then, I'm left with endless hours of reading and more mindless hours, in front of ASTRO.

I can find food for the mind, but where do you find food for the soul? A mind full of ponderings and a soul filled with emptiness, is a harmful combination, in the long run.


I miss my late Mum's "kari ikan", the one she used to prepare for me, every Sunday. I miss being in the family home in Regent's Ville - where if nothing else, the house is buzzing with activity and I could sit there, just enjoying the noise made by Mum, my nephews and nieces, the maids.

I even miss the awkward silences with my Mum, which usually happens after 20 minutes, of any conversation we have. But there is an unmistakable feeling of security - that with my Mum, I would always be welcome and that I belonged in the family house in Regent's Ville - as it was partly mine.

What I miss I guess, is the sense of belonging and the feeling of being "rooted" somewhere. Somewhere where acceptance is unconditional and I don't feel like I'm intruding, into anyone else's private space. Somewhere that has a history and where every corner of the house reminds me of events that happened, when I was growing up. Somewhere where you're not afraid to ask for favours, for fear of imposing on others.

That the space is mine, that the loved ones are mine and that I could always "come home". Even if I don't do it, that often.

But my weekends are nothing like that, anymore. For all the things I have and possess, I find that it is impossible to build any form of "roots" or history alone.

Life is meant to be shared - we're not meant to live, the way we die.

Our personal journey in this life and the next may be our own, but while were still here on God's earth - happiness can only be discovered when you have a sense of belonging and "roots", be it within your own biological family or an extended definition of family. Whether you realize it or not, family is usually the bedrock of your emotional security.

It's how you affect their lives and how they affect yours. And how you grow together and the sense of security that comes from mutual dependability and reliability, if any of you, should stumble or lose your way. And to cheer them onwards in their journey and rejoice with them, for their successes.

I miss my weekends with Mum, in Regent's Ville. I really do. Weekends can be dreadful, for the orphaned bachelor. Well, at least for this one.

Tomorrow's Monday! - yeaayyyyyyyyy!! ;)