When Time Flies

They say time flies, when you're having fun. Lately, I've been feeling that time flies anyway - even when you're not having fun.

Or maybe it's a sense of perspective - I feel that everyday is getting shorter. And the urgency for filling it up with meaningful things in life, increases.

I remember my younger days in Regent's Ville. Morning school, great lunch prepared by my Mum, tuition classes, sports at school or bowling practice in Asiajaya, TV at home or just bumming around at a friend's place in the afternoon and thereafter football at an abandoned skating rink with the Regent's Ville boys at 5.30 p.m to Maghrib (you can say that we started playing futsal, 20 years earlier than everyone else), back to a great dinner and homework or TV - and then off to sleep at 11+.

The days were long and you could almost taste every minute of experience. Nothing gave me more pleasure than walking through the serene suburban roads of Regent's Ville.

And growing up with the boys - it's one of the most fulfilling things in my life - having friendships that have lasted for 20 years, even in my early 30's. You can have your defences down when you're with people who have known you that long - there's really nothing left to prove to each other. We've seen each other, through our best and worst.

The days in college felt the same. Short classes and tutorials and long sessions at the warung teh tarik, with my college buddies. Volleyball in the afternoon and most of my nights were spent in my girlfriend's family home. What brilliant days, those were. They were meaningful - perhaps, not with my own family - but certainly with people who were dear to me.

These are the days that will never return. These are the days when everything was easy, uncomplicated and carefree.

The world of work ended that for me. The 12-18 hour days (with a regular 7-day week) in a top local merchant bank for 3+ years, tends to suck the life out of you. The money was good and to a certain extent, the learning curve and the work ethic (if you can survive in that merchant bank, you can survive anywhere), but you traded all your time - and life - for it.

I hardly saw anyone other than my equally weary colleagues. My soul felt empty all those years - all I can remember about it, was the endless amount of work and the late hours, poring over documents which shareholders would never read anyway. The endless routine of not seeing the sunset made time fly really fast - before you know it, 3 years had passed.

And the days were never quite the same thereafter - regardless of what I did for a living. The best moments that came after that, were the "national service" bits. Of helping other people succeed and achieve their dreams. The meaningful parts came back again - and time felt longer again. Regardless of what I did for a living, it was helping others that made me feel alive.

But I've learned that when helping others, you have to learn to value the small wins. I had my eyes on the "big win" and I spent years lobbying the Government to achieve the "big win" for my industry. I didn't want to just give them water to drink - I wanted to build them a river, which they can travel on and begin to sell their products.

There were some small wins here and there, some bigger than others - one in particular, was a historical coup - it was the first program, of its kind in the country. It was a "lake", you can say. But it was not yet the "river" that I wanted. I was not satisfied and I pressed on - to the point of exhaustion. And a part of me was telling me that the river I dreamt of, could be just a mirage - never to realize itself.

So, I decided that instead of trying to build a river for others, I shall build a river for myself. I shall now focus more, on me. At the brink of exhaustion, it seemed like the logical and rational choice. The burden of the industry lifted off my shoulders and I convinced myself, that in some small way, I've already done my part for this country.

My new venture is both exciting and promising. But my days are getting shorter again.

Aside from the venture, my other hours are empty. Too much time for TV and solitary reading, when I would much prefer the warmth of company. Or the cuddle of a loving partner. Or the gleeful laughter of children. I've got a great condo with a great kitchen, but what good is that, if you're alone?

And with the exception of the same few loving people, I don't receive calls anymore. I now realize how much of it, was related to my work of helping others. The moment I stopped, so did the phone calls. Most of my friends are busy with their on families now - and who can blame them? I'm just lagging with the stage of my life.

And everyday passes by, like this - an endless circle of meetings, planning, e-mails, trips to shopping malls, catching a lot of movies alone, solitary reading and "what next?" on Astro. And you get into that routine and you get lost in the escapism. Time does fly - but so little of it, is meaningful - because I don't enjoy being alone.

And yes, to a certain extent, it makes me nervous. If I'm destined never to be married, can I take another 20-40 years of this? Of being on the fringe of society and doting on the children of other people's families, never having your own "core" and lineage to focus on.

Getting older and increasingly, having to spend time with younger people, in town - because there is no one your age, left to hang around with. Could I possibly end up as one of those balding, sleazy-looking middle-aged men with the hot buxom twenty-something girlfriend, attached to their arms? (The sort of guys I currently despise? Yikes! Although the idea of the buxom twenty-something does sound appealing ;))

Right now, I just want to capture some of the meaningful moments - when I'm learning, when I'm loving, when I'm sharing, when I'm giving and when I'm receiving. Just in case that this particular work-in-progress (to use Minamona's term) never leads anywhere, I'd like to know that I could remember some meaningful moments, in between recalling a hazy blur of solitary activity-based escapism.

Just in case, there are no fairy tale endings for me in this life, (as some others are lucky enough to have), I'd like to think that there was a moral to my life story and it wasn't just an insignificant waste of time. Even if, it seems to fly by so quickly, nowadays.