Can You Tell Me How To Be A Man?
(This one's inspired by my phone conversation with Min and further discussions, with Xena. And also by the newspaper article that said men are growing breasts due to female hormones in the water).
Some questions flew through my head, last night. What does it mean to be a MAN? What does society expect out of a man? And following therefrom, am I fulfilling those requirements - sufficiently?
Biologically, I'm a man, of course. But society does expect certain attributes which they link to being manly.
Amongst the typical ones are physical strength, a masculine physique and mannerism, leadership capabilities, sporting abilities, a "take charge" attitude, a family leader, an economic provider or perhaps wealth, confidence, machismo, virility, a high degree of sexual attractiveness, a sex God in bed, a square jaw, a five o'clock shadow, a low threshold of emotiveness, "cool" under pressure and an emotional pillar to lean on, etc.
Now, I've never thought about this before - but it occurred to me that I might not fulfill a lot of the requirements, above. Attributes which make me manly - typically, that is.
You see, I grew up around women - or men who never flaunted their masculinity.
My late father (whom I lost when I was 10) was the gentlest soul I've ever met. He pampered me, more than my late mother ever did - in her whole lifetime. It was from my old man that I first received my mental imprint of what it means to be a man. Though it never occurred to me (until now), that it might not have been typical.
He was soft-spoken, intelligent, communicative, treated women like an equal (because that's what my Mum was, in the family), a rising political star with strong principles and integrity, blessed with a great sense of humour, was extremely comfortable with public displays of affection, comfortable in crowds, humble and had this uncanny ability to poke fun and laugh at himself - totally self-confident.
That's what I remembered of the old man. And that's how my late mother and his friends have described him to me, over the years - as I pieced together, bits and pieces of the jigsaw puzzle that described, who my old man was, to the world.
After the old man passed away, I noted that most of the influences in my life, were female. With the exception of the Regent's Ville boys, my heaviest influences have been women.
My late mother, who I lived with for 9 years, until I flew off to the UK and who I spent countless afternoons with watching Hindi or Indonesian movies. She was the first one who taught me to appreciate Malay movies - my first Malay movie in the cinema was "Abang", starring the iconic Rahim Razali and the legendary Ahmad Yatim.
Ms Agnes, the trainee teacher in Regent's Ville primary school that read out my first "Best Essay of the Month" in class, when I was 12 - a poignant piece which had her and some of the girls in the class, crying. I'll never forget that moment.
The girls in primary school - Karen, Ida, Adelina and many others. I spent more time playing "catching" during recess than sepaktakraw or football - much to the envy and chagrin of my male classmates.
My elder pet sister, Sue, who was my first big "crush" and emotional lynchpin and the person who taught me how to reason and to be sensitive to the nature of others and forgiving of their weaknesses. I would say that she was the most central influence of my teenage years -and it kept me rock steady. She taught me how to strive, to believe in my dreams, to achieve, to think that anything is possible.
Her family celebrated all my victories, no matter how small. It helped that Uncle Nik, was very much like my old man - not very much on the typical machismo shit - but a great big man, with a great big bear hug. I'd never forget his bear hugs - it made me feel loved.
My first girlfriend, Lina, spent 7 years in a relationship with me. Starved of family affection herself, she appreciated the hopeless romantic and sentimental side of me. It helped that she didn't have any imposed limitations in her mind (perhaps, due to her youth) - as to how good it could get.
She believed in the "happily ever after" equation - the good days were great, the bad days were hellish and the reconciliation after the fights, were always divine. Up until the end of that relationship, I never encountered anything that remotely suggested that I was an "untypical" male. Yes, I was different from most of my "macho-shit" male friends - but I always thought that it was just because, people are different - and that they had their own ways of expressing themselves.
It was only after Ms. Fickle, that I began to realize that some women can't stand men that are dedicated, sentimental and loyal. They appreciate it, some of the time -but most times, they like their man strong, rough, "dangerous" and hard to keep.
It's the "tak hairan" syndrome that keeps them on their feet and working to keep that man. You keep the thrill of the chase alive, when you have to work hard to obtain and retain your man's affections.
And then, there was my ex-wife. She accepted me, just as I am. Despite the fact that her ex-boyfriend of 5 years, was the most typical male in the world,...and then some.
Our marriage was short-lived, but I never felt that she expected me to be anything else, than what I was. And she loved the fact that I lived for more, than just for myself. She appreciated that I helped out in the home and the kitchen - most people in my late mother's generation (and some of the guys in mine) would have frowned.
And then, there was N - who felt that I was not manly enough in certain ways (because of my affectionate mannerisms), too sentimental by nature and not emotionally hard enough for a guy. And she pointed out that I didn't love myself enough - that I could take better care of my dressing, my appearance, my diet, etc. - perhaps, things which were not high on my list of priorities.
Upon reflection, it occurred to me that the biggest emotional influences in my life, had been women. From a friends, family and social circles environment - and even the readers of this blog - they're all mainly women.
Perhaps, that would explain a few things. Why I don't fit in with the typical requirements of what society (or more particularly, women) would like out of a man. I mean, a woman wants a man, and not a pseudo-woman that looks like a man.
Maybe I should look and act a bit more, like the typical man.
After all, it seems like the machismo-types, the trendy ones, the chauvinists and the "bastards" are cornering the market. Maybe it's time for a change - at least, just for appearance sake. No one buys a product with good functionality but an awful design.
But despite these "cosmetic" changes - I guess the thing that I would like to teach my children (and hopefully, they find me manly enough, haha!) - is that being a man involves more than just one's public appearance.
It's the honesty to admit one's mistakes and to be accountable for one's actions, it's the ability deliver when it counts, to take a stand for a principle and to never "sell out", to sacrifice and make a difference in the lives of others, to be a leader of a family and society, to be loving and supportive of the woman you love, to challenge the norms which threatens to stagnate our society and nation, to be resilient and never give up, to understand and to forgive others, to be secure enough about yourself, (and to laugh at yourself) without constantly belittling others and to live life to the fullest, without limitations in one's mind.
From my personal perspective, it would be "manly", for a man to do some of these things - because these things require a lot of courage and fortitude. And most men - shy away from it.
But in a world that has largely forgotten how to measure and weigh substance, perhaps some cosmetic changes on form, is necessary too. A man is like a car - if the design is poor, then no one will even step into the showroom or drive out with a purchase.
Maybe I should start hanging around with more typical males and pick up a few tips. (Maybe I should pinjam my stepfather's Old Spice!);)) But man, this weird line of questioning is going to blow their mind,...haha!
Some questions flew through my head, last night. What does it mean to be a MAN? What does society expect out of a man? And following therefrom, am I fulfilling those requirements - sufficiently?
Biologically, I'm a man, of course. But society does expect certain attributes which they link to being manly.
Amongst the typical ones are physical strength, a masculine physique and mannerism, leadership capabilities, sporting abilities, a "take charge" attitude, a family leader, an economic provider or perhaps wealth, confidence, machismo, virility, a high degree of sexual attractiveness, a sex God in bed, a square jaw, a five o'clock shadow, a low threshold of emotiveness, "cool" under pressure and an emotional pillar to lean on, etc.
Now, I've never thought about this before - but it occurred to me that I might not fulfill a lot of the requirements, above. Attributes which make me manly - typically, that is.
You see, I grew up around women - or men who never flaunted their masculinity.
My late father (whom I lost when I was 10) was the gentlest soul I've ever met. He pampered me, more than my late mother ever did - in her whole lifetime. It was from my old man that I first received my mental imprint of what it means to be a man. Though it never occurred to me (until now), that it might not have been typical.
He was soft-spoken, intelligent, communicative, treated women like an equal (because that's what my Mum was, in the family), a rising political star with strong principles and integrity, blessed with a great sense of humour, was extremely comfortable with public displays of affection, comfortable in crowds, humble and had this uncanny ability to poke fun and laugh at himself - totally self-confident.
That's what I remembered of the old man. And that's how my late mother and his friends have described him to me, over the years - as I pieced together, bits and pieces of the jigsaw puzzle that described, who my old man was, to the world.
After the old man passed away, I noted that most of the influences in my life, were female. With the exception of the Regent's Ville boys, my heaviest influences have been women.
My late mother, who I lived with for 9 years, until I flew off to the UK and who I spent countless afternoons with watching Hindi or Indonesian movies. She was the first one who taught me to appreciate Malay movies - my first Malay movie in the cinema was "Abang", starring the iconic Rahim Razali and the legendary Ahmad Yatim.
Ms Agnes, the trainee teacher in Regent's Ville primary school that read out my first "Best Essay of the Month" in class, when I was 12 - a poignant piece which had her and some of the girls in the class, crying. I'll never forget that moment.
The girls in primary school - Karen, Ida, Adelina and many others. I spent more time playing "catching" during recess than sepaktakraw or football - much to the envy and chagrin of my male classmates.
My elder pet sister, Sue, who was my first big "crush" and emotional lynchpin and the person who taught me how to reason and to be sensitive to the nature of others and forgiving of their weaknesses. I would say that she was the most central influence of my teenage years -and it kept me rock steady. She taught me how to strive, to believe in my dreams, to achieve, to think that anything is possible.
Her family celebrated all my victories, no matter how small. It helped that Uncle Nik, was very much like my old man - not very much on the typical machismo shit - but a great big man, with a great big bear hug. I'd never forget his bear hugs - it made me feel loved.
My first girlfriend, Lina, spent 7 years in a relationship with me. Starved of family affection herself, she appreciated the hopeless romantic and sentimental side of me. It helped that she didn't have any imposed limitations in her mind (perhaps, due to her youth) - as to how good it could get.
She believed in the "happily ever after" equation - the good days were great, the bad days were hellish and the reconciliation after the fights, were always divine. Up until the end of that relationship, I never encountered anything that remotely suggested that I was an "untypical" male. Yes, I was different from most of my "macho-shit" male friends - but I always thought that it was just because, people are different - and that they had their own ways of expressing themselves.
It was only after Ms. Fickle, that I began to realize that some women can't stand men that are dedicated, sentimental and loyal. They appreciate it, some of the time -but most times, they like their man strong, rough, "dangerous" and hard to keep.
It's the "tak hairan" syndrome that keeps them on their feet and working to keep that man. You keep the thrill of the chase alive, when you have to work hard to obtain and retain your man's affections.
And then, there was my ex-wife. She accepted me, just as I am. Despite the fact that her ex-boyfriend of 5 years, was the most typical male in the world,...and then some.
Our marriage was short-lived, but I never felt that she expected me to be anything else, than what I was. And she loved the fact that I lived for more, than just for myself. She appreciated that I helped out in the home and the kitchen - most people in my late mother's generation (and some of the guys in mine) would have frowned.
And then, there was N - who felt that I was not manly enough in certain ways (because of my affectionate mannerisms), too sentimental by nature and not emotionally hard enough for a guy. And she pointed out that I didn't love myself enough - that I could take better care of my dressing, my appearance, my diet, etc. - perhaps, things which were not high on my list of priorities.
Upon reflection, it occurred to me that the biggest emotional influences in my life, had been women. From a friends, family and social circles environment - and even the readers of this blog - they're all mainly women.
Perhaps, that would explain a few things. Why I don't fit in with the typical requirements of what society (or more particularly, women) would like out of a man. I mean, a woman wants a man, and not a pseudo-woman that looks like a man.
Maybe I should look and act a bit more, like the typical man.
After all, it seems like the machismo-types, the trendy ones, the chauvinists and the "bastards" are cornering the market. Maybe it's time for a change - at least, just for appearance sake. No one buys a product with good functionality but an awful design.
But despite these "cosmetic" changes - I guess the thing that I would like to teach my children (and hopefully, they find me manly enough, haha!) - is that being a man involves more than just one's public appearance.
It's the honesty to admit one's mistakes and to be accountable for one's actions, it's the ability deliver when it counts, to take a stand for a principle and to never "sell out", to sacrifice and make a difference in the lives of others, to be a leader of a family and society, to be loving and supportive of the woman you love, to challenge the norms which threatens to stagnate our society and nation, to be resilient and never give up, to understand and to forgive others, to be secure enough about yourself, (and to laugh at yourself) without constantly belittling others and to live life to the fullest, without limitations in one's mind.
From my personal perspective, it would be "manly", for a man to do some of these things - because these things require a lot of courage and fortitude. And most men - shy away from it.
But in a world that has largely forgotten how to measure and weigh substance, perhaps some cosmetic changes on form, is necessary too. A man is like a car - if the design is poor, then no one will even step into the showroom or drive out with a purchase.
Maybe I should start hanging around with more typical males and pick up a few tips. (Maybe I should pinjam my stepfather's Old Spice!);)) But man, this weird line of questioning is going to blow their mind,...haha!
posted by Stingrayz | 6:11 PM
12 Comments:
No! No! We don't need another typical Machismo man! Women do appreciate the sensitive type who treat us as equals.. but sometimes we too need a tree to shelter us from the worries of the world, just as men sometimes need a soft place to fall. *Sigh*
Ni kena re-argue ni!
A woman who can accept you as what you are is the only woman worthy of you.. I learnt that the hard way ! Why try so hard to be someone else ? No ONE, and I repeat NO ONE is worth that much sacrifice.
yes, NEVER be afraid to just be yourself, regardless of what societal expectations lead you to think... a true man in my opinion, is one who is unafraid to be the real person he is, without masking any of his weaknesses under the guise of 'machismo' :-)
You ever heard the Proton Savvy ad in the radio, with the German guy?
Think of the intonation of the last sentence. "That is perfect."
And then look into who you are now.
To answer your question, whether you're fulfilling those so-called requirements of "being a man" - It matches.
You see, your kind is a rare species. So it's only logical that the kind who appreciates you as you are,100%, is rare as well.
Hey Sting, this is news to me... after 8 years I suddenly find out that you help out in the kitchen! Well, be warned, I shall expect this sort of behaviour from now on. Friends should have this privilege too, not just wives and girl friends. Me being Kelantanese, and therefore used to pandering to a man should not be an excuse any longer!
Someone said/wrote (or perhaps I saw it in a movie) that, ideally, a man should have 80% masculine qualities and 20% feminine qualities; and vice versa for an ideal woman.
And did you read about the study (in UK, where else?) that suggested that women desire the "typical male" for sex (i.e. to father their offspring), but seek the "sensitive male" as a life partner.
Makes you think, doesn't it?
Anon 2
Min:
Eh, you need a tree, you go to the garden-lah! ;)
Fi:
Good rule of thumb. But strict application might leave me twiddling thumbs for the next 40 years. Haha!
Marina:
That either means there are not very many true men in the world - or most true men, are going to be very misunderstood creatures, by the opposite sex.:)
Voice:
The rare looking for the rare, is a very difficult equation. It's like getting almost extinct species to meet and mate.
I wanna try be more typical. Because I'm not into hunting for rare species. ;)
Tynn:
Well said. Welcome to the blog!
Xena:
This helping female friends out in the kitchen business, is going to make me more of an untypical male. Tak counter-productive ke? Hehehehe,...
Anonymous:
On the 80%,.... I have a long way to go. Maybe I should go spiked hair and a tattoo. And a big bad motorbike. Yeah!
As for the typical vs sensitive male and what they're wanted for, I think it's not true. It's the inverse with me.:)
Most of the ones I want, don't want me as a life partner - but they seem to be open to other things,....
But what is wrong with being a person as you? My boo is quite like you (and your late dad too!) and I've no complaints, no siree! :D
Leen:
Your boo is a lucky man.:)
You and your lame jokes! *throws heavy object at Stingray*
*joins min throwing things*
anyway, endangered species are actually hunted and when they are caught, kept in controlled environment to mate, in order to ensure continuity of the species instead of fading off into extinction.
Go figure.
Doot..
Until you understand the concept of "The Ladder Theory" <-- Google It!, you will never figure out the complicated, fickle and always contradictory cravings of what a woman wants in you.. Ignore all the comments here..
It's so sad to see the likes of the commenters here most probably contradicting themselves and not so sorry to be harsh, derailing you to become their cuddle bitch.. as MzMin correctly said.. "but sometimes we too need a tree to shelter us from the worries of the world, just as men sometimes need a soft place to fall. *Sigh*" i.e. translated.. Cuddle Bitch..
wrong strategy bro.. and i'm not saying it with a machismo guise.. you've had all that women around you, it's time to break away from them baby'ing you..
you really want to be with the woman of your dreams? Understand the theory and let her be the one to chase you.. even CT..
They say nice guys finish last, well, if you can live with all the different Bad Boy's and FirstMan's having their fun and leaving their paw prints all over the woman of your dreams destroying her sanity before you get your turn.. then i guess it's worth the wait. ;)
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