Of People, Views and Perceptions
How often do you change your mind about people (or institutions) and what they stand for?
Do you ask yourself whether you've been fair to the other person? Do you entertain the possibility that people do change?
Do you consider that even people that you don't like or are unaligned with, could be right on certain things? Or do you end up questioning their sincerity, because of your deep knowledge of their character?
It's not about benefit of the doubt - although I think a reasonable amount of that is necessary in life, for us to retain optimism in anything. I know all about the benefit of the doubt - I tend to give some people (especially the people I love) too much of it.
But as much as too much benefit of the doubt can hurt you - does too much certainty on an issue, harden your stand into a prejudice?
If you thought that someone was corrupt and dishonest at one point - would you always think that? Regardless of evidence that he may have changed?
How often do we give people that second assessment or second chance, to prove us we're wrong? Or do we quickly conclude and dismiss any possibility of that, because of a multiple number of bad, past experiences?
How often do we give a chance to people who we think are well-intentioned, but intellectually or factually misguided on their beliefs? Or maybe we suspect that they're carrying an agenda, which could be adverse to nation or religion?
Do we dismiss every single intelligent thing that comes out from their mouth, thereafter? Or do we take every statement at face value - assuming sincerity and the best intention from the respective parties, unless otherwise proven?
The world is not totally black and white. Neither are people. There are some good in them and some bad too.
But how do we learn to make that distinction? When do we believe that people can (and has) changed or even if not, that they can be sincere (or even right) on some matters? Or do we regard everything in suspicion?
Is the viewpoint ever separable from the intentions (or suspected intentions) of the person saying it? Or do we give it, a life of its own and take it at face value?
**********************************************
We've got to come to some point of reconciliation on the above questions. Malaysia, I mean.
For our different racial and religious communities to respond better to one another, for the common good and the future growth and sustainability of this country.
For the religious conservatives and the liberals to find a middle ground and not be embattled by raids on the streets, feeling their basic rights are violated and via verbal conflicts via the media.
For our parliamentarians to act like intelliegent representatives, as opposed to mindless automatons under party loyalty chains - sacrificing all elements of free will and integrity.
For Malay and English newspapers to not always take different angles between issues, because they've become turfs for battling political, cultural and religious ideologies, as opposed to becoming the constructive voice of what's truly important to the people - both in the short and long term.
For us to be critical in a constructive manner to our own Government (and perhaps, even our politicians) and to believe that change can come about, even if it is about 10 steps slower than what is necessary. Being cynical will defeat all our good intentions, collectively.
*******************************************************
For our culture to grow and not to become the football of race, religion and language issues.
There is no point about worrying about the primacy of our language being eroded, when the mass of the current urban generation has stopped looking at the development of our ethnic and local culture, a long time ago.
The appreciation and awareness in local literature, music, dance and films - is an at all time low - as compared to previous generations of Malaysians. A language without a culture that is not stunted, is just a focused medium of narrow-mindedness.
We now have Malays that are slowly rejecting aspects of our traditional Malay culture, calling it un-Islamic and inherited from paganistic traditions and embracing parts of an Arabic identity like speech, dress-code, intolerance and chauvinism, in the name of Islamization.
The Arabs did not discard their culture due to their religion - look at the way they treat their women, for heaven's sake - but we decided to, in defending ourselves against Western influence and all things culturally regarded as un-Islamic.
While the Chinese and Indians have shown how one's food, music and culture can be exported globally and that mastery of English does not necessarily weaken one's language, religious or cultural stand - the Malays have gone the other way.
As other countries around the world preserve their heritage sites and historical buildings, we demolish it to make way for a new mall, housing development or skyscraper.
And we rename roads from their English names - just to prove that we're not mentally colonized anymore - and then at the next minute, we're cheering on for our favourite teams in the English Premier League or our favourite MTV rock bands.
And in the next breath - we talk about tourism and showing off our history, culture and heritage to others, around the world.
One day, if we're not careful - we'll become exactly like Singapore - packaging and selling other people's cultures and traditions - and passing it off, as our own tourist attractions.
Those who focus on the survival of Bahasa Malaysia are focusing at the wrong end.
It is culture that promotes the survival of language, not the other way round. If the culture thrives, so will the language. If the culture dies, so will the language.
*****************************************************
I digress.
The point of this - I guess is that I feel that Malaysians (and Malays, in particular) are at that crossroad where they've got to question, where they're going.
As a race, as Muslims, as Malaysians and as those who hold the trust of preserving this country, for future generations.
The fundamental questions have to be asked. Assumptions have to be relooked at. The lines between allies and enemies have to be reconsidered, for the common good. And a future track has to be drawn.
Some issues simply cannot be left to the politicians - because they tend to give the answers that please everyone - and that do not resolve anything.
The dialogue and the resolution for some political, cultural and religious issues - have to be fought at the people level. For us to understand each other better. For us to grow.
There is nothing worse than being led by leaders who have no idea where they're going and have no clear vision for what this country should be, in the future. And worse, being a people who fully trusts such leaders.
You want a future for Malaysia? Well, start carving, shaping and fighting for the parts which you'd like to see - TODAY.
Do you ask yourself whether you've been fair to the other person? Do you entertain the possibility that people do change?
Do you consider that even people that you don't like or are unaligned with, could be right on certain things? Or do you end up questioning their sincerity, because of your deep knowledge of their character?
It's not about benefit of the doubt - although I think a reasonable amount of that is necessary in life, for us to retain optimism in anything. I know all about the benefit of the doubt - I tend to give some people (especially the people I love) too much of it.
But as much as too much benefit of the doubt can hurt you - does too much certainty on an issue, harden your stand into a prejudice?
If you thought that someone was corrupt and dishonest at one point - would you always think that? Regardless of evidence that he may have changed?
How often do we give people that second assessment or second chance, to prove us we're wrong? Or do we quickly conclude and dismiss any possibility of that, because of a multiple number of bad, past experiences?
How often do we give a chance to people who we think are well-intentioned, but intellectually or factually misguided on their beliefs? Or maybe we suspect that they're carrying an agenda, which could be adverse to nation or religion?
Do we dismiss every single intelligent thing that comes out from their mouth, thereafter? Or do we take every statement at face value - assuming sincerity and the best intention from the respective parties, unless otherwise proven?
The world is not totally black and white. Neither are people. There are some good in them and some bad too.
But how do we learn to make that distinction? When do we believe that people can (and has) changed or even if not, that they can be sincere (or even right) on some matters? Or do we regard everything in suspicion?
Is the viewpoint ever separable from the intentions (or suspected intentions) of the person saying it? Or do we give it, a life of its own and take it at face value?
**********************************************
We've got to come to some point of reconciliation on the above questions. Malaysia, I mean.
For our different racial and religious communities to respond better to one another, for the common good and the future growth and sustainability of this country.
For the religious conservatives and the liberals to find a middle ground and not be embattled by raids on the streets, feeling their basic rights are violated and via verbal conflicts via the media.
For our parliamentarians to act like intelliegent representatives, as opposed to mindless automatons under party loyalty chains - sacrificing all elements of free will and integrity.
For Malay and English newspapers to not always take different angles between issues, because they've become turfs for battling political, cultural and religious ideologies, as opposed to becoming the constructive voice of what's truly important to the people - both in the short and long term.
For us to be critical in a constructive manner to our own Government (and perhaps, even our politicians) and to believe that change can come about, even if it is about 10 steps slower than what is necessary. Being cynical will defeat all our good intentions, collectively.
*******************************************************
For our culture to grow and not to become the football of race, religion and language issues.
There is no point about worrying about the primacy of our language being eroded, when the mass of the current urban generation has stopped looking at the development of our ethnic and local culture, a long time ago.
The appreciation and awareness in local literature, music, dance and films - is an at all time low - as compared to previous generations of Malaysians. A language without a culture that is not stunted, is just a focused medium of narrow-mindedness.
We now have Malays that are slowly rejecting aspects of our traditional Malay culture, calling it un-Islamic and inherited from paganistic traditions and embracing parts of an Arabic identity like speech, dress-code, intolerance and chauvinism, in the name of Islamization.
The Arabs did not discard their culture due to their religion - look at the way they treat their women, for heaven's sake - but we decided to, in defending ourselves against Western influence and all things culturally regarded as un-Islamic.
While the Chinese and Indians have shown how one's food, music and culture can be exported globally and that mastery of English does not necessarily weaken one's language, religious or cultural stand - the Malays have gone the other way.
As other countries around the world preserve their heritage sites and historical buildings, we demolish it to make way for a new mall, housing development or skyscraper.
And we rename roads from their English names - just to prove that we're not mentally colonized anymore - and then at the next minute, we're cheering on for our favourite teams in the English Premier League or our favourite MTV rock bands.
And in the next breath - we talk about tourism and showing off our history, culture and heritage to others, around the world.
One day, if we're not careful - we'll become exactly like Singapore - packaging and selling other people's cultures and traditions - and passing it off, as our own tourist attractions.
Those who focus on the survival of Bahasa Malaysia are focusing at the wrong end.
It is culture that promotes the survival of language, not the other way round. If the culture thrives, so will the language. If the culture dies, so will the language.
*****************************************************
I digress.
The point of this - I guess is that I feel that Malaysians (and Malays, in particular) are at that crossroad where they've got to question, where they're going.
As a race, as Muslims, as Malaysians and as those who hold the trust of preserving this country, for future generations.
The fundamental questions have to be asked. Assumptions have to be relooked at. The lines between allies and enemies have to be reconsidered, for the common good. And a future track has to be drawn.
Some issues simply cannot be left to the politicians - because they tend to give the answers that please everyone - and that do not resolve anything.
The dialogue and the resolution for some political, cultural and religious issues - have to be fought at the people level. For us to understand each other better. For us to grow.
There is nothing worse than being led by leaders who have no idea where they're going and have no clear vision for what this country should be, in the future. And worse, being a people who fully trusts such leaders.
You want a future for Malaysia? Well, start carving, shaping and fighting for the parts which you'd like to see - TODAY.
posted by Stingrayz | 8:13 PM
10 Comments:
What are your thoughts on this article Ray?
Spotlight NST: D.I.V.O.R.C.E
Why more Malaysian couples are untying the knot
18 May 2006
Nurris Ishak
It is a commitment that should last a lifetime, but an increasing number of Malaysians are opting for divorce when problems crop up in their marriage. NURRIS ISHAK examines this disconcerting trend.
WHILE many couples are busy tying the knot, an increasing number are just as busy untying it.
About 150,060 couples took marital vows in 2004. In the same year, 19,800 divorce cases were recorded, an increase of 4,561 cases compared with 2000.
Statistics from the National Population and Family Development Board (NPFDB) show that the divorce rate is highest among Muslims, with 16,509 couples going their separate ways in 2004.
One reason for the rising trend is that the current generation places more importance on self and is more open to the concept of divorce. Another is the demise of the extended family, especially in urban areas.
A survey conducted by the NPFDB in 2004 shows that most divorces were caused by "irreconcilable differences" (41.3 per cent). "Irresponsibility" (16.5 per cent) was cited as the second leading cause of divorce.
Although the divorce rates may be low compared with that in Western countries, NPFDB director-general Datuk Fatimah Saad is worried.
"These numbers are unacceptable, as Malaysian society places a high value on matrimony. Twenty, thirty years ago, the word ‘divorce’ was taboo. Society respected the sanctity of marriage," she said.
"But the trend nowadays seems to be different. The traditional view of marriage has eroded, as values have changed. The current generation is more open to the concept of divorce. They are more conscious of themselves, and place themselves first in the list of priorities."
Fatimah said divorces were also more common in urban society than among rural folk as urban couples facing a crisis would most likely choose to separate.
"They are most likely living apart from their family, and they do not have family members to turn to for advice. Being young, they lack the experience to handle certain matters.
"In rural areas, they are surrounded by relatives, and problems are easily ironed out by the elders."
Dr Denison Jayasooria, executive director of the Social Strategic Foundation, agreed that the lack of a social support system amongst urban communities was one of the major contributing factors.
"The urban community is more individualised and materialistic. The social support system, unlike that in the kampung, is broken down.
"Most urban families are disconnected from their relatives, and the impact on young couples with marital conflicts is greater," he said.
Statistics from the Department of Islamic Development Malaysia show that divorce rates among Muslim couples are increasing, with 16,509 couples filing for divorce in 2004.
Jayasooria said the increase could be attributed to the enormous pressure placed on Muslim women in a changing society.
"They have to deal with social pressure, pressure at the workplace and pressure at home. The expectations placed on them are higher. Women, having to multitask, have to deal with their role as wife, mother, employee or employer all at once.
"Our men have yet to grasp the enormity of the burden placed on women," he said.
Men were not as well equipped to deal with household matters, he added. Fathers might devote some time to their children, but actually raising the children requires gender retraining and orientation.
Dear Stingray
I wish a lot more malays would think like you.
Anonymous 1:
Interesting question. Considering I'm a divorcee myself.
I think the article is right on most counts. It presents one side of the picture.
Unhappy marriages have probably existed since the beginning of the institution of marriage.
The difference between the families of yesterday and the families of today are various.
In our previous generations, the women are mainly not educated and not financially independent. Today, many of them are.
In previous generations, people preserved the family structure, no matter how unhappy, for the sake of the children, avoiding taboo and adverse public perception.
They did not have a choice.
For unhappy families, it was good for keeping the family structure intact (at least perceptibly so, from the outside).
But inside the marriage has ended and the lies and trauma on the family and children may be more severe - than parents who have separated and started anew.
Yes, the family structure is important. But keeping it intact is a matter of not just form, but also substance.
At the end of the day, the question to me, is this: does it make for a happier family to stay together or to divorce and start anew?
Our culture has always taught that to look for self-happiness in a marriage is selfish and that everything must be seconded to the interests of the family.
No matter how unhappy you are or unresolvable the issues. In our parents' time, they were bound by these traditions, good or bad.
But a decision to stay within or leave a marriage must be a balance between a lengthy consideration for the family, choice and discretion.
But yes, I believe that couples should have a choice and should be allowed the space to exercise that choice.
You only have one life and it's sad if the only thing holding you and your partner together in marriage, is society's disapproval to a divorce.
But people have to remember that you divorce only your partner - your children will always be your obligation and responsibility to love and nurture, regardless of the outcome.
Divorce is not disallowed in Islam, but it is the most disapproved conduct in the halal sphere - because it leads to a breakdown in family structure.
But if staying in a marriage was not a choice to be left to both husband and wife, then Islam would have prohibited it (like the Catholics do). It would have been made haram (illegal).
At the end of the day, it boils down to your intent and implementation. A divorce is like a knife - the good or bad, depends on how you use it.
But yes, it is sharp and it will cut.
I don't have all the answers to this. I'm hardly a role model on this one.
But I think if you want fewer people to get divorced - then you should advice them to know themselves and their partners better, before marriage.
And to be really sure of their choices.
And to know what a modern marriage entails for both the man and the woman - it's a lot more complex than it used to be, I feel.
Only fools rush in, they say. There is nothing truer than that, for most divorced couples.
But you know what?
Ask the people who have been divorced before and remarried - and they will tell you that their first marriage taught them many things that they needed to know - for the second marriage to work better.
They'll make better husbands, wives and/or parents, perhaps.
Mistakes are a part of life. So are divorces. It's pointless to dwell on it, because it will not change past realities.
What's important once it's happened, is the lessons that we've learnt from it - so that we shall not repeat it, for the future.
That should be the correct perspective.
Anonymous 2:
Thank you for the compliment.
Though I must warn you - that may not be a good thing. ;)
My thoughts on it Ray,
Could it be though that many take the plunge because they, somehow either consciously knowingly it or not - know they can afford to make a mistake the first time?
I know this urban couple who had a grand wedding in a hotel (think it was PJ hilton) some years ago. You know, the typical grand malay affair that one probably had to mortgage the house to pay for. Yet the marriage broke down just over a year after, citing the popular irreconcilable differences argument. As it turns out the groom (whom is a notorious player but plays an external face to everyone as harmless and nice) was
already playing the field when they were still together. And pathetically explained to his ex-wife that the reason for the divorce was an old unrequited flame that he never forgot
Isn't it a shame? While the guy spends his time over weekends on the hunt and in the dating game again, it seems that even in these modern times, the divorced female still has more to lose.
Good news though is that this lady found someone, which i hope for her is everlasting. As for the guy, he's still chasing rainbows. Good luck to the player. You get what you give in this life, I suppose.
I worry greatly when that article says that "one reason for the rising trend is that the current generation places more importance on self and is more open to the concept of divorce." This seems to afford some kind of justification, especially amongst urban male divorcees - that its perfectly alright to get it wrong the first time.
JK
Anonymous/JK:
Good story. Too good that it almost sounds personally targeted.
No one gets into a marriage intending to make a mistake.
NO ONE.
And you'd have to go through the pain and guilt of a divorce yourself, to know that.
It haunts you about past decisions that were made or doubts that should have been resolved, before marriage. It's a scar that never quite heals.
But mistakes do happen, when careful consideration is not made on an important decision, like marriage.
I've always believed that be it in a marriage or a divorce, only the couple and God knows what's in the heart of men and women.
It's never fair for 3rd parties to assume that things were so, or not so.
You're not in their shoes and you don't have the full story.
And admittedly, sometimes, unhappy marriages make up for unbecoming baheviour on one side or both.
Sometimes, society takes separate pieces of the puzzle together and make their own conclusions, based on an incomplete picture.
Every single time a divorce happens, you need a blaming point of why it failed.
A bad man or husband or a bad wife or mother. And to attach the notoriety of labels and stigma to it.
There is a price paid on both sides to every divorce - society never lets you off easy on it.
It makes society feel comforted that things happen for a reason. That it doesn't happen to good ordinary people.
But the truth is: sometimes, it does end up there - without either parties wanting it to happen that way.
And once it's a mistake, the question that has to be asked is: do you continue the mistake or you do give everyone a fresh chance to start over life, anew?
It takes courage to correct a mistake. Especially when it involves making a decision that would hurt the people you love.
Most unhappy marriages never even admit it to themselves and they stay in it, for the children. And that's a legitimate choice, too.
Divorcees have to face their own families, their friends and the perception of socity, as a whole - for the divorce. It is never easy.
And they judge you like a failure in life, for as long as you're still alone.
Even if you're there by choice - because you're being extra careful and you're afraid of making a second mistake and hurting their loved ones again, in the process.
But you know what? Life does go on. Despite mistakes, regrets and separations. Because it has to.
An opportunity for a new life begins, like the one with your lady friend - where she may get the life and happiness, she truly deserves.
Sometimes, whether one stays in the marriage or gets out - depends on which one, is the bigger mistake.
It depends on the circumstances. Each marriage and divorce is similar to others, but unique on its own, due to the couples involved.
Yes, marriage is a serious matter. And no, divorce is not something to be taken lightly. Definitely not.
But once the decision, the couple, the family and society should move onwards, with their lives.
You make the best of what you have - rainbows, thunderstorms and all.
As for what one deserves, it's only for God to decide - as only He knows better what's in the heart of men.
You hope you make better decisions and not repeat any big mistakes - that would hurt so many, in both families.
But yes, you take the lessons learnt and you move on in life.
We can't move on, with our minds and hearts dwelling on the past.
What I don't understand is WHY lately newspapers got to focus on all these divorcee issues.
Just less than 2 weeks ago, there is the "janda gatal" issue. Now, a highlight on divorcees.
They've got NOTHING else to write about, is it?
I was miserably married to a man my parents chose and I could not get along with, divorced and remarried again (this time my own choice - he's a great, kind and understanding man)
And now, I'm very happy with my new husband and 2 kids. Alhamdulillah.
But the 4+ years I spent as a young janda anak dua, was tough. Our people are not kind to divorcees, they look down at you. Some even try to take advantage.
I agree with you, Ray. You must look forward and focus on the future.
That's how I survived my years as a janda dulu.
Benda dah jadi, you cannot do anything about. Forgive and forget. Kalau gaduh and bitter pun - not good for the kids.
I'm sure one day, you will be as lucky as me. InsyaAllah.
Keep the faith, dude!
p.s, Keep writing - u described a lot of things that a lot of divorcees feel, but don't say.
Anonymous:
Thanks for your entry. And if you're a new reader, welcome to the blog. :)
I appreciate your input on the divorcee issue and thank you for your wishes.
And I'm glad that you've found your happiness in your new marriage. Good for you. :)
Though I'd prefer it we discussed the issue I wrote about in my blog entry, instead.
The divorcee issue was not raised by me by me, actually. It was by a commenter on the blog.
Nor do I wish to continue anymore discussions on this thread - sometimes, it's too personal and too depressing.
And for some reason, I get the feeling that I'm being unfairly attacked and judged, by some.
Anyway - let's move on, please.
Er..I wanted to comment on your writing on culture but since we're on marriages....what do you think of the man who has been married 30 times? (My toddler, btw, is right now practising his reading skills while i'm bloghopping)
I've been pondering about the high divorce rate, too.
What luck to come across this blog! So now I have to say my piece, too.
Soorry!
It's good that nowadays people are not scared to opt out of a marriage, but then again, only if it's the only option. I think now that more women are working, there is no need to be financially depended on the menfolk.
Of course, marriage needs a lot of work, give and take, ego surpressing.
Maybe before a marriage, there should be a prenuptual agreement, stating what you are expected to do and vise versa. I know that it is permissible in islam. Let's be realistic even if we're head over heels in love at the time.
I mean don't expect a woman to be like wives of yonder days. Nowadays, it's got to be about balance. Ok, so I'm bias towards women.
Nite! Off to layan my suami;)
Noni:
Yep. I understand.
Anonymous:
Trust me, I don't think about the man who has been married 30 times. ;)
Your toddler's reading? How old is your baby?
Intan:
That's an idea. Maybe you can suggest it to JAKIM. ;)
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