A Restless Lull in Ramadhan

I'm feeling restless - perhaps, it's due to the routine serenity of Ramadhan.

Talking less, makes you think and reflect more, I find. Sometimes, about the things that you should be thinking about. Sometimes, about the things you'd rather not confront.

Sometimes, for no particular reason - when some things are finally looking up in life and there should be no reason for one to feel so emotionally "encumbered". Where there's no particular reason to feel unhappy, yet the drudgery hangs on you, like an invisible millstone around your neck.

Maybe because aside from the religious significance of Ramadhan, it's not been a particularly happy month for me, since Mum passed on, 2 years ago. Neither has Hari Raya Aidilfitri or the dawn of Syawal, for that matter.

Perhaps, the significance of some annual religious ritual events and festivities, like fasting in Ramadhan and Aidilfitri Mubarak, is accentuated and underpinned by the presence of family members - particularly, of parents or children.

And the rootedness of having a family home to celebrate it in - the one "home" to everyone, which brings all the siblings and the next few generations, together. Aside from the religious significance of Ramadhan and Syawal - I've lost much of the meaning that I've usually attached to this month.

Breaking fast in the company of good friends and strangers, in a restaurant in a shopping mall or bersahur in a roadside stall at midnight, is just not the same - though somewhat consoling.

I miss Mum's great cooking, the tasty treats over buka puasa, the buzz of nephews and nieces over the dinner table, her persistence in waking me up for sahur and the half-awake family conversations at 4.30 a.m. over sahur. There was something about the whole experience that made me feel - secure; laced with a strong sense of belonging.

You will never realize how much your parents mean to you, until you lose them. That's the truth.

Regardless of whether you're close to your parents or not - they are the source of the ultimate, unconditional sense of belonging and their influence is so pervasive in so many aspects of your life and in the values you hold dear. Perhaps, until one has one's own children, of course.

For those whose memories of Ramadhan and Aidilfitri have always revolved around family members - the absence of family accentuates the loneliness that one feels.

It takes away the essence of much of what is special, about performing these rituals, rites and traditions. Up until Mum passed away, I've never realized that I was one of those people.

For many years since I was very young, I've always felt that I've grown to be wholly independent of my family, at least, from an emotional perspective.

Whatever affection I felt I could not receive at home - there were always others "compensating" for it - I lived off the affection of my friends, my girlfriend, their parents and their families or sometimes, just the people at the bowling alley.

I spent so much time at other people's houses (and the bowling alley in PJ) when I was growing up - I might as well, have lived there.


It was easy to do that as a kid.

I was lucky - other people's parents and families always seemed to have a surplus of affection for me, to make up for the deficit I felt, at home. Whatever works, really.

But as a thirty-something adult, you realize that sometimes, there's just no continuous track of "affection compensating". Somewhere along the track - you'll come to a dead-end. You're exhausted and you run out of "supply" - or maybe what used to be enough, is now insufficient.

And you realize that you're not made to be alone, that you can't keep depending on goodwill of others (and their families) and you must build up something of your own. People who are unconditionally yours - a family of your own. Loved ones who add depth and essence of meaning to every ordinary and special moment in your life.

The reality is, as human beings, we're never free from the basic needs of love and affection. No man (be it in heaven or on earth) is an island - we are never wholly independent of the need for a sense of belonging and emotional support.

Often times, many of us compensate for these deficiencies with an overflow of sensory experience, exotic holidays, intoxication, ostentation, glamour, materialism, success, working hours, ambition, recognition or many other forms of "dependencies" or addiction.

But honestly, we never escape the basic things that we need. And sooner or later - nothing compensates anymore, except for the real thing. It's a basic ingredient in life, for which there is simply no substitute for, without incurring long-term side effects. Whether we'd like to admit it or not.

There comes a point when you just don't want to "tolerate" a life without these basic needs - and you just want to live it, just like some other fortunate people do.

At the end of the day, we all want the same thing - we just go about in getting it, in different ways. And we should make no apologies for it - to each, his own divinely ordained rezeki, effort and happiness.

Selamat Berbuka Puasa, folks! And for those of you who will be breaking fast with parents and family members - cherish what you have. These simple moments in your life, are special and irreplaceable.

Believe me.