Time and Tide
All my life, I've been a planner.
When I was 16, I planned my whole life out - including when I would marry, have children and become a millionaire. When I was 27, I changed my plans. Now at 33, I'm surprised at how far off I am, from what I once planned.
With the exception of in the area of romantic relationships, I consider myself a cautious person. I tend to think things through. I only take risks where I think it's a reasonable and calculated one and I always know where my floor and cut-off point is.
And unless I have a very strong attachment to something or someone, I find that I am easily (almost coldly) able to sever links and relationships, which I feel has become a pain and a liability - although that almost never happens, in my life.
Mum always taught me to be practical about money - it's a means to an end. But she always reminded me that it's an important means to a happier end.
I remember growing up, accompanied by stories of individuals and families who have been unhappy, due to shortage of money or the inability to practice financial discipline. In my own family, I've tasted the bitter medicine of having to pay for the mistakes of my siblings, who were less than careful with money - especially when the loans were under my name.
In a way, I'm my mother's child. I'm careful with money (though by no means stingy) and I always plan the ins-and-outs of the money I have. And I almost never bite off more expenses than my finances can chew. Or take on more responsibilities than I can afford.
Cut your cloth according to your size, Mum always repeated. More often than not, that's always been my guiding principle.
But I've observed that personal finance is always a tricky area, for many people.
Sometimes people who look and dress like they have more money than you, are living on a negative cashflow and negative net worth. I've seen the most capable of bankers, financiers, accountants and businessman who are not careful with their spending - where life is a constant status treadmill of keeping up with the Yeohs (our Malaysian version of keeping up with the Jones').
Why do you think there's so many BMWs and nice lovely homes on auctions nowadays? It's because many Malaysians take money for granted (that they'll always have more of it, in the future) and almost never delay their gratification. They are either without savings or are over-geared in their borrowings.
But almost always, they dress well (or God knows, they try to) - although only a minority of them, can be considered wealthy. And sometimes, their appearance belies their wealth - like the shark fin soup restaurant owner, whom used to come my branch of Hong Leong Finance, back in the mid-90's.
The old man looked like he couldn't afford a singlet and proper pair of bermuda shorts - until you start counting the RM20,000 - RM50,000 which he brings in daily, in cash. Then you know, he's just plain stingy - with himself.
But except for brief periods/phases of my life when I was in the family business, where I had to pump in money to compensate for Abang's financial recklessness - I've always been careful with money. Not overtly so - just sufficiently above average careful. I know I plan a lot more than other people do.
Mum's selective frugality was a good habit to inherit. It keeps me grounded and it stops from digging large of holes of debt, which I shouldn't create.
But the old lady was far from a churchmouse - she loved looking pretty, she loved being stylish and she loved her glitttery jewelleries.
The basic difference was, she always saved up, for all the things that she wanted - she had too much pride to ask for money from others, especially from her children. It was a self-reliance that I found uncommon, for parents and elders.
I have relatives in Kelantan, who make it a profession of asking people for money - for any purpose under the sun - to buy a motorbike (or once, a motorboat to do a rice smuggling business), get a second wife, build a new house, have a 14th child, etc.
My mother is one of the most charitable people, I know - but she disapproved of the behaviour of some of our relatives, who only knew how to unshamingly ask and never knew how to save. And the behaviour seems to spread over generations in the family, believe me. And the habit of borrowing without paying back, disgusted her.
My mother came from a poor family too and was only educated up to 15 years old (which was pretty advanced for her time) - but she never found it as an excuse not to progress in life, be it from a financial or educational perspective or to improve one's knowledge. When she lived, she spoke better English than some of the overseas-trained lawyers I've met! And she always asked probing questions which would later indicate to you, that she's not to be under-estimated.
But in essence, one of my late mother's more enduring legacies, which I'm grateful for - is leaving me with a cautious attitude towards money. She always protested the lifestyle and attitude of "biar papa, asal bergaya".
***************************************
I caught a movie "A Lot Like Love" on TV just now (actually, this must be the 4th time, I've ever watched it) starring Ashton Kuthcher and Amanda Peet.
There was this one scene when Ashton's down and out character, had to start from scratch again, after failing in his dotcom venture. He was flat broke and found himself living with his mother again - at 30 years old.
He was sitting by the beach with his married deaf-mute brother, who had a child who was playing by the seaside. And his brother said to him (in sign language) while gesturing towards the child - "You should have one of those you know. They're great".
His reply was - "Yeah, that was the plan" (implying that having a family (with a girl he was still crazy about after 6 years) would be next thing in line in his plans, once he was successful and financially wealthy).
And his brother said: "Your life is right here and now - life is not going to wait for you to get up on your feet again."
*******************************************
I reflected on that scene and I realized how much I was like Ashton's character now, if not before, too.
Just like him and given that I am by nature, a planner - I expect my life to follow a neat, planned sequence that makes sense. That I would be successful in my business and then to marry and have a family and thereafter, sell out from my business and semi-retire to a life in full-time politics (like what Tony Pua is doing now).
And I swear I was braver, in my 20's - there was a time when I would have married my girlfriend even on a lowly rookie executive's pay in a commercial bank. But in my 30's and having survived an economic crisis - I'm far more cautious now.
I'm willing to take business risks now, because I'm single, somewhat invulnerable and I'm my only risk.
And if I was going to have a family now, I would like to ideally be in a financial position where not working would be an option my future wife could consider, without having to compromise so severely on the family's lifestyle.
And I'm fully aware that the expectations of a man in his 30's is far different, from a man in his 20's. In her 20's - the woman is much more likely to be happy to help out, financially - as they're both young and just starting out. In her 30's (and for some, with a few kids later) - she wants to be taken care of, as she's already been allotted more than her fair share of responsibilities - she's a wife, a mother, a daughter and sometimes, an employee or an entrepreneur, too.
Women and their parents (and our society too, perhaps) is less forgiving of an educated, middle-class man still looking for financial "comfort" in his 30's. And it's always a tough balance when you're an entrepreneur - gestations periods can be long, before things turn around the bend, if at all. Better for you to be a professional working for a foreign multinational - that's the pick of the crop.
Is it any wonder that our parents used to rush us to get married in our 20's? Perhaps, they knew expectations differ once a person is in their 30's and aligning the couple's expectations, could be more difficult. Because you're wiser and you know better, your financial needs and you'd be less clouded by the naivete of youth.
*******************************************
I know the virtues of financial planning and delaying one's gratification. But I sometimes wonder whether I'm putting my life on hold, simply because of my innate need for things to fall in sequence (when they don't necessarily work that way), before progressing to the next stage.
There's always a price and trade-off to delayed gratification (especially in matters of matrimony) - you're trading financial stability for youth, comfort for time, maturity for a shorter potential lifetime with one's children, wealth for health, achieving your dreams for years alone, etc.
And the thing is the price always looks like it's worth paying at this front-end - until you actually go through it - and possibly regret that some actions were not taken earlier on, in life.
Like the line in the movie goes - life is not going to wait for you, to get up on your feet.
Maybe that's why people do what they do - it's not that they're not thinking, it's just that we're only passing this way once - and the going may never be as good as they are right now. Hence, the imperative to live life in the moment.
In my 30's - I'm quite sure that the line lies somewhere in between - in between achieving the ideal in our lives and living our life ideally, in the present. Because as the line in the Aerosmith song goes - "I don't wanna miss a thing".
By all means, plan your life - but leave some space for God's blessings to enter in between and for the moments to be enjoyed, with love and family.
When I was 16, I planned my whole life out - including when I would marry, have children and become a millionaire. When I was 27, I changed my plans. Now at 33, I'm surprised at how far off I am, from what I once planned.
With the exception of in the area of romantic relationships, I consider myself a cautious person. I tend to think things through. I only take risks where I think it's a reasonable and calculated one and I always know where my floor and cut-off point is.
And unless I have a very strong attachment to something or someone, I find that I am easily (almost coldly) able to sever links and relationships, which I feel has become a pain and a liability - although that almost never happens, in my life.
Mum always taught me to be practical about money - it's a means to an end. But she always reminded me that it's an important means to a happier end.
I remember growing up, accompanied by stories of individuals and families who have been unhappy, due to shortage of money or the inability to practice financial discipline. In my own family, I've tasted the bitter medicine of having to pay for the mistakes of my siblings, who were less than careful with money - especially when the loans were under my name.
In a way, I'm my mother's child. I'm careful with money (though by no means stingy) and I always plan the ins-and-outs of the money I have. And I almost never bite off more expenses than my finances can chew. Or take on more responsibilities than I can afford.
Cut your cloth according to your size, Mum always repeated. More often than not, that's always been my guiding principle.
But I've observed that personal finance is always a tricky area, for many people.
Sometimes people who look and dress like they have more money than you, are living on a negative cashflow and negative net worth. I've seen the most capable of bankers, financiers, accountants and businessman who are not careful with their spending - where life is a constant status treadmill of keeping up with the Yeohs (our Malaysian version of keeping up with the Jones').
Why do you think there's so many BMWs and nice lovely homes on auctions nowadays? It's because many Malaysians take money for granted (that they'll always have more of it, in the future) and almost never delay their gratification. They are either without savings or are over-geared in their borrowings.
But almost always, they dress well (or God knows, they try to) - although only a minority of them, can be considered wealthy. And sometimes, their appearance belies their wealth - like the shark fin soup restaurant owner, whom used to come my branch of Hong Leong Finance, back in the mid-90's.
The old man looked like he couldn't afford a singlet and proper pair of bermuda shorts - until you start counting the RM20,000 - RM50,000 which he brings in daily, in cash. Then you know, he's just plain stingy - with himself.
But except for brief periods/phases of my life when I was in the family business, where I had to pump in money to compensate for Abang's financial recklessness - I've always been careful with money. Not overtly so - just sufficiently above average careful. I know I plan a lot more than other people do.
Mum's selective frugality was a good habit to inherit. It keeps me grounded and it stops from digging large of holes of debt, which I shouldn't create.
But the old lady was far from a churchmouse - she loved looking pretty, she loved being stylish and she loved her glitttery jewelleries.
The basic difference was, she always saved up, for all the things that she wanted - she had too much pride to ask for money from others, especially from her children. It was a self-reliance that I found uncommon, for parents and elders.
I have relatives in Kelantan, who make it a profession of asking people for money - for any purpose under the sun - to buy a motorbike (or once, a motorboat to do a rice smuggling business), get a second wife, build a new house, have a 14th child, etc.
My mother is one of the most charitable people, I know - but she disapproved of the behaviour of some of our relatives, who only knew how to unshamingly ask and never knew how to save. And the behaviour seems to spread over generations in the family, believe me. And the habit of borrowing without paying back, disgusted her.
My mother came from a poor family too and was only educated up to 15 years old (which was pretty advanced for her time) - but she never found it as an excuse not to progress in life, be it from a financial or educational perspective or to improve one's knowledge. When she lived, she spoke better English than some of the overseas-trained lawyers I've met! And she always asked probing questions which would later indicate to you, that she's not to be under-estimated.
But in essence, one of my late mother's more enduring legacies, which I'm grateful for - is leaving me with a cautious attitude towards money. She always protested the lifestyle and attitude of "biar papa, asal bergaya".
***************************************
I caught a movie "A Lot Like Love" on TV just now (actually, this must be the 4th time, I've ever watched it) starring Ashton Kuthcher and Amanda Peet.
There was this one scene when Ashton's down and out character, had to start from scratch again, after failing in his dotcom venture. He was flat broke and found himself living with his mother again - at 30 years old.
He was sitting by the beach with his married deaf-mute brother, who had a child who was playing by the seaside. And his brother said to him (in sign language) while gesturing towards the child - "You should have one of those you know. They're great".
His reply was - "Yeah, that was the plan" (implying that having a family (with a girl he was still crazy about after 6 years) would be next thing in line in his plans, once he was successful and financially wealthy).
And his brother said: "Your life is right here and now - life is not going to wait for you to get up on your feet again."
*******************************************
I reflected on that scene and I realized how much I was like Ashton's character now, if not before, too.
Just like him and given that I am by nature, a planner - I expect my life to follow a neat, planned sequence that makes sense. That I would be successful in my business and then to marry and have a family and thereafter, sell out from my business and semi-retire to a life in full-time politics (like what Tony Pua is doing now).
And I swear I was braver, in my 20's - there was a time when I would have married my girlfriend even on a lowly rookie executive's pay in a commercial bank. But in my 30's and having survived an economic crisis - I'm far more cautious now.
I'm willing to take business risks now, because I'm single, somewhat invulnerable and I'm my only risk.
And if I was going to have a family now, I would like to ideally be in a financial position where not working would be an option my future wife could consider, without having to compromise so severely on the family's lifestyle.
And I'm fully aware that the expectations of a man in his 30's is far different, from a man in his 20's. In her 20's - the woman is much more likely to be happy to help out, financially - as they're both young and just starting out. In her 30's (and for some, with a few kids later) - she wants to be taken care of, as she's already been allotted more than her fair share of responsibilities - she's a wife, a mother, a daughter and sometimes, an employee or an entrepreneur, too.
Women and their parents (and our society too, perhaps) is less forgiving of an educated, middle-class man still looking for financial "comfort" in his 30's. And it's always a tough balance when you're an entrepreneur - gestations periods can be long, before things turn around the bend, if at all. Better for you to be a professional working for a foreign multinational - that's the pick of the crop.
Is it any wonder that our parents used to rush us to get married in our 20's? Perhaps, they knew expectations differ once a person is in their 30's and aligning the couple's expectations, could be more difficult. Because you're wiser and you know better, your financial needs and you'd be less clouded by the naivete of youth.
*******************************************
I know the virtues of financial planning and delaying one's gratification. But I sometimes wonder whether I'm putting my life on hold, simply because of my innate need for things to fall in sequence (when they don't necessarily work that way), before progressing to the next stage.
There's always a price and trade-off to delayed gratification (especially in matters of matrimony) - you're trading financial stability for youth, comfort for time, maturity for a shorter potential lifetime with one's children, wealth for health, achieving your dreams for years alone, etc.
And the thing is the price always looks like it's worth paying at this front-end - until you actually go through it - and possibly regret that some actions were not taken earlier on, in life.
Like the line in the movie goes - life is not going to wait for you, to get up on your feet.
Maybe that's why people do what they do - it's not that they're not thinking, it's just that we're only passing this way once - and the going may never be as good as they are right now. Hence, the imperative to live life in the moment.
In my 30's - I'm quite sure that the line lies somewhere in between - in between achieving the ideal in our lives and living our life ideally, in the present. Because as the line in the Aerosmith song goes - "I don't wanna miss a thing".
By all means, plan your life - but leave some space for God's blessings to enter in between and for the moments to be enjoyed, with love and family.
posted by Stingrayz | 9:52 AM
9 Comments:
Hey Ray
I used to think like that too, that by the time I was 30+ I’d have three little boys, the first of whom would be named “Adam” : )
Tricky thing, planning your (married) life, when it is dependant on another person.
And its always far more easier for the haves to point to the have-nots and say “why don’t you…”.
Don’t assume *all* woman (esp those in their 30’s) want to be taken care of babes, some (still) just want someone to SHARE their lives with (unless of course you are hankering after an 18 year old lah kan…). (This reminds me of an email I received. Will put it up in blog soon. Come visit!)
Btw if there is someone there you have in mind, then go for it!
Luck!
Lita:
Long time no hear, girl! :)Glad to have you back at Mimpi Pari. :)
And yes, will drop by your blog, the soonest!
3 little boys with a first named Adam, sounds divine. I hope you'll get your wish soon.
My own dreams of the old days, is a lovely daughter that looks like her mother and will call me "Papa"
(I blame it on Renault Clio ad in the UK - remember Nicole and Papa?:)).
Haven't thought up of a name yet, but I guess it won't matter because she'll be special - because she's ours.
Am definitely not hankering after a an 18-year old - I already feel the maturity gap even with the 20-somethings, sometimes.
(Disclaimer: I might change my mind about the 18-year old if I become rich like Datuk K and the 18-year old, looks like Siti Nurhaliza!)
Yes, I know that there are 30-somethings that just want to share their lives - though I haven't met very many of them.
Do I have someone in mind? Definitely.
Is she within reach? I'm not quite sure.
What am I currently doing to be with her? As the line in the movie "The Last Kiss" goes - "whatever it takes". ;)
"I'm 33 for a moment
Still the man, but you see I'm a they
A kid on the way
A family on my mind...
And I'm just dreaming
Counting the ways to where you are"
- Five For Fighting/100 Years
Anon 2
well, at least u have been planning ;-) Yours truly has been stumbling until the past few years. Baru la celik mata and realized the need to be more accountable with self.
Financial literacy is I think what you are talking about. It's true, because I was one of the guilty ones, more plastic than I could afford. Cleaning up the mess is what I am doing now and it'll take some more time.
Anon 2:
Cooly lyrics. I must go check out this song. ;)
Omecool20:
I think everyone has been there at one point or another in their lives, bro'. Or for some, several times.
But am glad to hear that you're clearing up. Believe me, it can be done. Good luck, bro'! :)
Hello Mr Pari,
Enjoy Singapore and your friends. Make it a rejunevating break. See you when you get back :)
Clarissa:
I'm not sure if "enjoy" is the correct word to use, since I'm here to attend a funeral.
But yes, I do know what you mean. Close friends are there for each other in the best and worst of times.
It adds sweetness, depth and maturity to all the things you've shared and will continue to share.
And I have been luckier than most people in the quality of the friendships, that I've had the privilege to be a part of.
See you when I get back, dear. Looking forward to the chess or scrabble rematch. ;)
you shouldn't plan too rigidly, otherwise you'd be disappointed.. it's the same with trying to find your 'mate'.
Intan:
Am still trying to shake off the force of habit.
The degree of rigidity is loosening, but it still struggles with the personal need for for some form certainty and stability - some things that you know you're sure about.
As for finding a "mate" - there comes a point (at least, in my life) where every single possible meaning, sharing and giving in life that can be derived alone, as an individual unit - has been done.
Then, it becomes insufficient. Then it becomes a hunger that cannot be satiated, with no control or no end in sight.
Then you start the plan - even for the seemingly impossible. When you're right at the very bottom with nothing to lose - the only way is up.
But yes, still am trying to strike a balance between planning (and striving) and not being rigid about it.
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