A Different Me, Perhaps?
Yesterday, for the first time (perhaps in my life), I felt like I wanted to be somebody else.
For a brief moment yesterday, it felt inadequate to be me. I found myself wanting to be more like the typical possessive man, jealous and manic to the point of constant suspicion.
I must admit that I have no idea what those feelings must feel like. I've gone through so many things which have taught me that if you love someone, you trust them. You may not trust the rest of the world, but you trust the people you're in love with.
But I wonder sometimes, whether my trust and respect for my loved ones, can be construed to be uncaring? After all, jealousy is a sign of love and many women love it, that their partners are capable of jealousy. It shows that they're still noticed, cared for and wanted - constantly.
I hardly have a jealous bone in my body - I don't quite know how to do it.
But the intensity of my feelings for my loved ones and my patience for all the things that they put me through, I dare say, is unrivalled. I'd do pretty much anything for the people I'm in love with - literally. And some of my friends have commented that my tolerance for difficult and complex people that I'm in love with, seem to be limitless.
It's just that I don't show it in that way. I've always thought people who are possessive and overly jealous, are an insecure lot - despite all the great things they have achieved in life, ironically. Many people don't understand that trust is a 2-way street - if you expect it, you must give it - and assume the best of people, unless God shows you differently.
But yes, for a brief moment - of about 2-3 hours - I wished I was someone else - before I snapped out of it and realized how much work (and experience) it has taken for me, to be who I am today. I went through hell to be who I am today - and this is not an accident of fate, I worked hard to be the person who I am, today.
This was not a mistake and if there are people who cannot value the untypical traits of a man - well, maybe they're just not for me.
Yes, love is blind and foolhardy, at times - and there may be many things you may be willing to sacrifice to make something work with your loved ones (even the close friends who have been there for you, countless times).
But no one is worth sacrificing yourself for - if they can't take you for who you are, they've never really wanted you for who you've been. And they probably want you, for the person they eventually expect you to be.
And no amount of love, on either sides, changes that fact. Not any amount.
For a brief moment yesterday, it felt inadequate to be me. I found myself wanting to be more like the typical possessive man, jealous and manic to the point of constant suspicion.
I must admit that I have no idea what those feelings must feel like. I've gone through so many things which have taught me that if you love someone, you trust them. You may not trust the rest of the world, but you trust the people you're in love with.
But I wonder sometimes, whether my trust and respect for my loved ones, can be construed to be uncaring? After all, jealousy is a sign of love and many women love it, that their partners are capable of jealousy. It shows that they're still noticed, cared for and wanted - constantly.
I hardly have a jealous bone in my body - I don't quite know how to do it.
But the intensity of my feelings for my loved ones and my patience for all the things that they put me through, I dare say, is unrivalled. I'd do pretty much anything for the people I'm in love with - literally. And some of my friends have commented that my tolerance for difficult and complex people that I'm in love with, seem to be limitless.
It's just that I don't show it in that way. I've always thought people who are possessive and overly jealous, are an insecure lot - despite all the great things they have achieved in life, ironically. Many people don't understand that trust is a 2-way street - if you expect it, you must give it - and assume the best of people, unless God shows you differently.
But yes, for a brief moment - of about 2-3 hours - I wished I was someone else - before I snapped out of it and realized how much work (and experience) it has taken for me, to be who I am today. I went through hell to be who I am today - and this is not an accident of fate, I worked hard to be the person who I am, today.
This was not a mistake and if there are people who cannot value the untypical traits of a man - well, maybe they're just not for me.
Yes, love is blind and foolhardy, at times - and there may be many things you may be willing to sacrifice to make something work with your loved ones (even the close friends who have been there for you, countless times).
But no one is worth sacrificing yourself for - if they can't take you for who you are, they've never really wanted you for who you've been. And they probably want you, for the person they eventually expect you to be.
And no amount of love, on either sides, changes that fact. Not any amount.
posted by Stingrayz | 10:54 AM
8 Comments:
Sounds like a reflective passage is in motion, sweets.
I sometimes hate being an adult.
Adult decisions (or emotions even) are way out of order.
i read in a book that when we 'doa' we should try to cry even if we don't mean it because if we do it that many times, there will come a time when we will actually mean it.
in my early years of marriage, my husband used to get upset with me because i don't display much jealousy. so in the end, i acted it out... and he was pleased. now i think i'm jealous because i'm old and that pleases him a whole lot. ha! ha! reversal!
to me, it's about giving emotional security to the person you care or love.
also, in your last entry, usually in a relationship, it is very rare to find a 50-50 need and want.
wish you the best.
Danya:
Absolutely, dear. Totally reflective.
I think kids are meaner than adults are. I think some adults never outgrow being kids.
I think what hurts about being an adult, is not that adults are any less meaner than children - but we forgive less, as we understand more, of ourselves and others.
Don't you yearn for the days of naivete?
Intan:
I understand that.
Everyone wants to feel wanted and jealousy is okay in small, reasonable doses - and you're right, emotional security is important.
Personally, I get my emotional security from people who can walk the love and not just talk it.
That's far more important to me than jealousy - stand up, be considerate, appreciative and thoughtful and simply deliver (and sometimes, over-deliver) - without being asked.
Love (be it from lovers or friends) is giving everyone their due respect - and sometimes, being brave enough to point out that they're wrong - because it's necessary.
There's no point in calling something love - when we allow our loved ones to turn into monsters - while we idly watch and consent.
As for the need and want thing, am not asking for 50/50 - 30/70 would suit me just fine.
And thanks for the wishes, dear. :)
Reading ur post, David Bowie's song "Changes" came to mind.
Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes
(turn and face the strain)
Ch-ch-changes
Don't want to be a richer man
Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes
(turn and face the strain)
Ch-ch-changes
Just gonna have to be a different man
Time may change me
But i can't trace time
Thank u thank u thank u...
I read a wise man who once wrote in his blog that LOVE is not about how we feel but about how we make the other person feels... I'd like to add that NAFSU...( I can't find the English equivalent... daym!) is all about how we feel and how we want the other person to make us feel...
One never achieves the state of self-actualization by accident. It takes a lot of time, effort and to a large extent; pain. In my books embracing reality and being accepting of yourself and others is always way cooler than living in denial.
Why even dream of undoing what you've worked so hard to achieve?
Now you really don't want to ch-ch-ch-ch-change and start stuttering like the POTUS do u?
ray, if the *only* thing missing is some element of possesiveness (or at least display thereof) on your part, would it really cost you your soul if you made a show of it, in some form, to please her?
like intan says, its emotional security (and its not yours at stake here, its hers).
but somehow judging from the tone (if not letter) of your post, it goes deeper than that (i may be wrong).
and i agree, you should not change who you are to please another. but only, i think, if it goes to the root of who you are.
if it doesnt change who you essentially are (and everything else in the realtionship is peachy), would it be so bad to adapt?
Noni anak Pak Samad:
Oii, good to hear from you again, dear! :) Sorry for the later reply but last few days have been really hectic.
Yeah, I remember that Bowie song. :)
And no - I won't really like to change who I am. I lke me just fine - and I hope one day, it will be the same for the person I love. :)
Lita:
You're right, dear. It goes deeper than that.
But having said that, I don't think I can more than mildly pretend to do the jealousy thing. It would be too hard.
I don't think any girl I've been in love with, has ever had any doubts about my feelings towards them.
I display it, so transparently - that to be anything less than emotionally secure - would be unthinkable - to both them and I.
But some things do go the core of me - and I don't think that I'm a person who can be truthfully overtly jealous.
Past relationships have seen me through several triangles - that perhaps, I'm desensitized, from feeling it.
A man who is jealous, cannot take being in a relationship triangle of any sort. I have taken that - and much more, in the past. Patiently.
But even someone like me has a minimim threshold of respect, required.
And there comes a point when even if someone I'm in love with, does not do the bare minimum of what I expect of my other friends - then they will have to go.
I deserve better and I know that. Although sometimes, I wish I wasn't so forgetful,....
Jealousy is the child of ego
It is a feeling that arises when you feel the need to display your ownership over the object of subject.
The Bible indicated that God confessed to being a jealous God. But does that have the same meaning?
Clarissa:
Maybe what I don't understand is that some people want to be owned and the feeling of jealousy in a partner, makes them feel secure.
As for the Bible, I think that's your area of expertise, rather than mine. :) I don't know enough about it to comment.
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