When the Autumn Chill Returns

Tonight, I felt a chill that I have not felt in years. And I knew where I felt this chill before - it was autumn in Buckingham in late 1993.

In mid-late 1993, I went through the most depressing period of my life. My girlfriend of 4 years at that time, Lina, had dumped me for another guy in Malaysia. For 6 months, my mails were not replied and she stonewalled on all my calls and attempts to get her to come back to me.

It was a dark period in my life - I was hardly 20, in a foreign country for the first time in my life, separated from the most meaningful person in my life, even if we counted my family, which I was particularly estranged from.

I remember not being able to sleep, feeling a dull throbbing ache in my heart - the pain, though emotional, was as real to me, as physical pain. I remember staying up past midnight in the dorm kitchen and having instant noodles alone. I remember putting on my trenchcoat at odd hours of the night and taking a walk through the quiet Buckingham University campus, in the wee hours of the morning.

Sometimes, I would walk all the way to the petrol station (which was about 40 minute walk both ways) at below 5 degrees Celsius, in my trenchcoat. I'd get a 400-gram Cadbury milk chocolate bar and devour it all in one night. It would not be an exaggeration to say that chocolate saved my life - for I felt suicidal on some nights and chocolate was always a good escape.

There's something about the windy chill of those Buckingham nights - it was biting cold and it woke you up. It accompanies you, but does not intervene in your thoughts and steps. It was just there - like a quiet friend that lets you know that it's there, without saying anything.

I was depressed - deeply depressed - I was more down than I ever was, at any period in my life, prior thereto. I didn't know how to deal with it - I didn't like the thought of pulling other people down with my problems and it became tedious to avoid showing them how I felt about my life at that time. So, I kept to myself a lot.

I locked myself in the dorm room and sometimes, pretended not to be in the room, when friends came a-knocking. I did my best to surround myself with books and music - and pretended to myself that I was studying - even though my emotions had the better of me and my thoughts drifted away to Lina, back home. And the pain accumulated even more.

There were times that I would feel a sense of paranoia and panic grip me - the fear of flunking my exams and letting my parents down. Letting my sponsors (MARA) down too. I was terrified of flunking out so early in my life. I consciously reminded myself everyday that I was there on an obligation - to get through and to do well in my degree - and I had to do all that, despite my depression.

I pulled through that emotionally gruelling period fairly well, academically - when results came out, to my great surprise, I was the 3rd best student in my intake in Law School. Yes, I was fortunate - but I never forgot how dark that episode was, when I was going through it.

There was a part of me that never forgave Lina for that episode - for what I felt was a deliberate abandonment of me in a foreign country - without word, without concern, without a call and/or any letters. I felt alone - and I was hurt, bitter and angry. Why is it that those who easily whisper the words of love, very rarely have enough care and concern to reflect the love declared?

The chill is back and I am greatly surprised. I felt the ache in my heart again - the weather is not cold anymore, but the loneliness is just as chilling. It's just as I remember it - where you go through the cycle of hope, expectation, disappointment, anger and bitterness.

It's what destroys you as a person - it makes you grieve, age, harden and makes cynicism a tempting bed-partner. This is what destroys the beauty in the belief and optimism of Man, in this world and/or in his fellow mortals. Lack of kindness, thought and heart. It makes you lose the ability to dream and strive for the things you believe in - where the parameters of your thoughts, are confined to the gates of your perception of reality.

God, give me the strength to face this chill again. The signs are all there, that the tragedy is inevitable. I have no way, of avoiding this - as much as I dread it, I have to face it again - it's like a bad itch that refuses to go away. Until today, I've forgotten what it's like to wonder when the pain will come to an end and to patiently trudge through it, not knowing when redemption will come.

It's not 1993 and I'm not a young student in Buckingham U anymore - but I find the melancholy of the empty and depressing autumn of 1993, slowly embracing me again. And I have no choice but to survive this, all over again.

It's midnight - and I need chocolates.