Between Hate and Forgiveness

Is it easier to hate than to forgive?

That's the question I've been pondering these last few days. I've never believed in hate. I don't even hate my enemy (I only have one, so far - a person whose hell bent on destroying me and The Program), because I would think of the welfare of his cancer-stricken wife and children - and thoughts of getting even, would recede into the background. There's more at stake here, than just the Beast himself.

Now I'm hurting really bad - over another issue, that's much closer to my heart. And forgiveness and understanding, seems like such a long route to take. And I wonder, whether I should learn how to hate.

Have always taken the long route to recovery, prior to this. It's always been about forgiveness and getting over things fully. No short cuts, no limiting the grief. Let it all seep out slowly and eventually, you will heal - with minimal scars and some appreciation of the good things that have come from the experience.

Hate teaches you to harden. It teaches you to be cynical and it decreases your faith in your fellow human being. Hate makes you older, poisons you from the inside and blinkers you from achieving wisdom. That's why some older people never get wiser - they just get older.

That's what I've always believed. So, I took the road less travelled - the long, painful and arduous road to forgiveness. It's the right thing to do, I tell myself.

But you know what I found out? It's draining to try to do the right things, all the time.

Because we're human and there's only so much that the human spirit and heart can prevail over. If you're idealistic and you continue to try to do right all the time and you continue being victimised for it, you will become drained - mentally and emotionally. Sooner or later, it will bring you back to the crossroads between hate and forgiveness.

Because Life is not always a fair place that makes sense. It's a mixed bag - and half the time, it carries the ingredients for grief. It's that half that idealists struggle with.

Idealists tend to believe in karma - that the good you do, will return to you, in one form or another. As a Muslim, that is true - if you span Life out to be full spectrum, of the one in this world and the next. But in this world, perhaps, karma may not work all that well - or is only half-complete. That's why you see a lot of bad, cold, cruel people being happy - even if they leave a trail of destruction, in their steps without guilt or conscience.

A few days ago, I saw a very close friend cry in her car, questioning why the simplest of joy to others (like having a family), can be so difficult to obtain for others. I had no answers for her - I hardly had answers for myself, really. It's amazing that no matter how far the reach of the human mind, will and effort - there is no guarantee, for the contentment of the human heart.

I'm exhausted, emotionally. Too many calamities in the last few years - they seem to queue up, one after another. And for once - I feel like taking the short cut out.

I want to learn how to hate, because I'm losing the patience for acceptance, toleration, understanding and forgiveness. I'm losing the faith, that good things will happen to good people - it doesn't seem to matter in this world, to most people - so why should it matter to me? After all, pain and suffering seems to follow the good like a spectre - prophets, saints, honest and principled leaders, the unappreciated mother, the cheated husband or wife, etc.

I promise myself that I shan't make this a habit. Hate is just like painkillers - it's to be used sparingly, when the occasion requires it. Make it a habit and it will turn you into a cold, twisted person that can neither feel nor inspire.

It's ironic, Sweety, that I have come to this point. It goes against every fibre of my belief. But the situation is suitable - you have given me much to hate you for, though really, it's much lesser than the love I feel for you. But if I focus on all your negative points with all my strength and belief, I should be able to get there.

It will probably scar a little and that will be a gentle reminder for the pain that used to be there. But soon, I will not feel anything, anymore. I will be strong, cold, pragmatic, calculated and unfeeling - just like you, Sweety. And maybe, just maybe - it will help me understand you better and the complexity of your actions.

I'm sorry, but I am tired.

Hate does make you older, but perhaps a little aging is good for me. Perhaps, it's not good to be younger than you really are, at heart and correspondingly naive and unduly trusting in the good nature of others.

For isn't it better, to live long as a realist than to die young, as a broken idealist? Maybe Life is trying to teach me something.