A Sense of Self-Worth

I'm awake again. Every night of the past one week, have seen me waking up at between 3-4 a.m., in cold sweat, full of anxiety. My chest feels heavy and there is an overwhelming sadness, engulfing me. And I've become unable to go back to sleep after that, not until I completely exhaust myself, in the afternoon.

I'm tired and I look relatively haggard, in the mirror. My eating irregularities, have now become a legendary habit - eating alone is a chore - one I'd rather not do.

A lot of reflection has passed, over the last few days. I've been trying to get to the root, of what's wrong with me. And my life. And the way I've lived it. Not just the current causes, but to seek a pattern. A clue, as to why I seem to be on a self-destructive path all the time.

I've reached a few conclusions. Surprising, yet not quite. It's like I've always known, at the back of my mind.

And the conclusion is this - everything I've strived for, done or achieved in my life, has been a constant effort to be loved by others, unconditionally. Everything.

It's sobering. I searched myself for the times when I truly felt that I was being loved unconditionally. The last time was in 1985 - before my biological father passed away of heart disease.

He was a soft, tender loving man - who told me that he loved me every night, before he tucked me in to sleep. He encouraged me to strive in all my talents and he treated everything I wrote, as a little masterpiece - even if it was gibberish. He bought me books constantly, and encouraged my reading habit.

He was there on every single school sports day - even though my sporting achievements at that time, were laughable. Yet no achievement went unrewarded, no good action went unnoticed. He was not perfect as a husband, but he was a perfect father to me.

His passing left a huge gap in my life. Mum was not someone I could relate to very well - she was abstractly opposite of my father.

Temperamental and hard, with an aversion of displaying affection - I've always felt, rightly or wrongly, that her love was conditional, on my academic (and later in life, my material) achievements. But the benchmark always got higher and despite my constant striving for her approval and affections, I still seemed to never make the cut. Somewhere along the way, I consciously stopped trying. It was not that she did not love me - it was just that her actions, mostly, made me feel unloved.

The only times she ever hugged me - was when I left for the UK and when I returned. That was it.

It was an abnormal childhood. For 5 years after my father passed on, I would be at his grave every Sunday, without fail, to read the Yaasin for him and for our weekly one-sided conversations. It was just comforting to be there - that I knew he was listening. That maybe he would put in a good word for me with God - to protect me and bring me happiness.

And blessings did come in other forms. I was always a very lucky child (am still in some parts of my life, a very lucky adult). I was a good straight A's student and was considerably talented in my chosen sports and games.

And where affection was lacking at home, it was abundant at Sue's house. Sue was my pet sister -someone who I've known since I was 5 years old. Her parents, who are very close friends of my parents, showered their love on me - as they knew I was starved of it, at home.

Every Raya morning, after Raya prayers, I would be there along with the other members of the Hussein family in their ritual of "bermaaf-maafan" - the ritual was almost never done in my own family - Mum was not comfortable with it, until at least I was in my mid-20s.

It was as if they were my family. I remember the hugs, the laughter, the generous duit Raya and Sue's fabulous chocolate cake. Many weekends too were spent at the Hussein house, playing many board games and devouring the many divine cuisines that Auntie Zah prepared.

The Hussein family made sure that I received enough affection, to keep me from veering off the good path. And for that I am truly grateful - they were my emotional anchor, at a very crucial period of my life.

At 16, my first true love, Lina, came along. And with it, the affection of her family, the Zulkifli family, for the next 7 years. They loved and approved of me, more than they did Lina's brother, I felt, sometimes.

And Lina coloured my world in such considerate, loving and thoughtful ways, that none have managed to rival, so far. It was a tempestuous relationship - we were both passionate people - the good times were fantastic and the bad times were hell.

But at 19, the world was at my feet. I was the best student in my batch and I had a girlfriend that loved me, unconditionally. Or so I felt, because there were certainly times when she strayed. And there were parts of me which she struggled to understand and accept - like my all-consuming passion to improve this country. Parts which she could certainly live without - looking at the man she's married to, now - the embodiment of Melayu Lama.

Losing Lina, was the beginning of my downfall. Relationship after relationship, I was facing one tragedy after another.

Eventually, it led a to a marriage and divorce, in my rush and insistence to be happy and most of all, to seek my mother's wholehearted approval of my choice - she never appreciated much of my other achievements - unless it came in a material form. The divorce was a great emotional cost, to so many - my late mother never hid her bitter disappointment - even at her hospital death bed. Most of all, to my ex-wife, who is one of the most loving and thoughtful persons I've ever met.

I look back at all of it now and I feel that - even though I've managed to compensate for the affection starvation at home, but I've never really tackled the problem. I'm still looking for the unconditional affection, of someone I love.

Of a woman who would love me and be with me for who I am, and not who she expects me to be. A parent-child relationship, like the one I had with my late father - I'd like to have that with my own daughter, one day. Perhaps, you never really escape the Freudian tragedies in your life. It seems to go beyond life and death.

And out of all this reflection, I come to this one pertinent question: Without striving for all the things that I strive for, do I feel myself worth loving? Is that why I put myself through so much emotional anguish and self-sacrificing tendencies, even when it hurts me greatly?

The answer was obvious. The question, just needed to be asked. I still felt it surprising, for after all that I had achieved - my sense of self-worth should not be pegged to the unconditional affection and approval of others. But that's the truth - it did. I was still compensating, for the things I never had, but really craved for.

But even I should realize by now - that the world does not work in that way. Some of the most mediocre and undeserving people in the world, are truly blessed with things and affection that should be beyond their reach. The world does not even make a pretense of being a fair place.

And that's why I put myself through emotional hell, in some of these relationships. Especially the one, with Sweety. More than her cruel actions, what was even more damaging to me, as that I SO wanted to believe her and that I truly believed that my chance for emotional redemption, lay with her. And that I could save her, from the path of self-destruction that she's set herself on.

And so, I buried my self-respect, sometimes, for her love and to be her choice for a lifetime. A price that right now, seems too high to pay.

Where is my sense of self-worth?

This morning, I've decided that I shall look into one place, I've never looked before, for affection. A greater Being, the Creator. The Giver of all blessings. One whose Forgiveness and Mercies, extends beyond all else.

I need to go back to basics - I seem to have lost my sense of values, my moral compass of right and wrong, in this desperate search for love - after all, the road to hell is paved with good intentions, Friedrich Hayek used to say.

I need to learn to love myself and to be patient and content, with what I have been blessed with. My quest for unconditional love, cannot and should not be conditional on my achievements and the approval of others. And it should not be at a sacrifice, of things right and wrong.

And that's why I'm going to take a break from this blog, for a while, folks. I need a period of solitude and self-introspection. I need to fix myself, so I that I can go on to look forward, to what remains within my lifetime. I'm all spent, being alone, feeling unloved and not loving myself.

There has to be more than this, in my life. There must be, God.

Thank you for all your kind words and emotional support, guys. You people have been an example of unselfish and considerate love and genuine concern, for a fellow human being. I will miss all of you.

And for those who have someone to love, spare some time constantly to give them a hug, and tell them how much you love them. You'll never know - it could mean a lot to them.

Wish me luck, people. Bye for now.