Shifting the Floor

Went out for supper with Little Boy Blue tonight. He looked miserable.

I wondered what happened to the boy I once knew - the boy whom had so much laughter in him, that it was contagious. You can't help but laugh along.

His divorce messed him up pretty badly - nowadays, he looks so tired and empty. Perhaps more than he'd care to admit or show. But it's like a black hole that he never got out of.

It's funny - we were both grappling with the same issue - the sense of incompleteness of being alone. I've had it all my life - first, there was no real family, now there's no life partner.

Back when I was a kid, my brother (in the days before he became the unconscionable monster that he is today) taught me of the concept of the "floor".

It's imagining and calculating the worst possible thing that you think could happen to you. Once you know where the "floor" is, anything above that, is a bonus. Because you're already prepared for the worst, come what may.

I've been reflecting on my current unhappiness for a few days, now. And I've come to a startling conclusion: I'm unhappy because in my wildest dreams, I'd never thought I'd be here right now. Divorced, alone and seemingly unable to move on, with life.

In the "floor" of my mind and expectations - I never thought that there's a possibility that I will ever be unmarried, or for that matter, that I might die alone, unmarried. To be without a shared present or future. Or that my lineage or legacy will not be continued.

The possibility is there. And it's time that I acknowledged it. I've gone below my "floor" and I'm unhappy for it. But yet, the situation is very real. And there's a possibility that it may continue, for an indefinite period. And everyday, I'm unhappy - dragging myself through another day of existence, waiting for things to change.

This is simply not viable. I can't keep waiting to be happy. It can't be contingent on something that might never come - or never come again. I'm wasting so much of my life - waiting to "live".

The "floor" has to be shifted. The question that I should now ask myself is: If I am destined to be solitary for the rest of my living days - how shall I make myself happy? How can I be happy with what I have? How should I live, if I don't have anyone else to live for, but myself?

To be or not to be? - that is the question, as The Bard would say it.

Because I'm not getting any younger. Because I'm difficult, idealistic and impractical. Because I follow my heart - and I'm living in a world, that has largely forgotten how to. Because logic does not rule the world and most people run away from their own shadows, much less chase their own destiny. Because right and wrong have become such subjective values, in the eyes of many.

I have to be happy, today. And if I don't know how to, yet - then I have to learn. Because it could be years before I am where I want to be. Or it could be never.

But even Adam in Heaven wanted an Eve. What makes me think that I'll be able to be happy alone, for the rest of my life? I don't have an answer to that. Maybe Heaven does - but I'm tired of being in the Hell of Disillusionment.

I want to live. I want to feel what there is, to be felt. I want to live my life like I was the only person, that matters. And to live it without fear, for I am the only person, I risk. Invulnerability, is a person whose not afraid to die for his cause and belief.

Slowly, I shall start shifting the "floor" - many things will necessarily, change. I'm tired of waiting for your reply, God - your silence has left me lost and confused.

But no more waiting, for tomorrow's sunrise. I'm going to make my own moonlight tonight and it shall be my guide, in this pitch blackness of night.

If this be your Fate for me, Almighty - as cruel and harsh as it may seem to me - I will make the best of it. For that is all, that's within my power to do. For hope, is the denial of reality.