Adventure with The Boys - Part 2

While I'm writing this, K.D. Lang and Tony Bennett is crooning a duet in the background with the song - "Dream A Little Dream of Me".

Yes, I'm playing one of my favourite homeplay albums - "Jazz in The City". At 2 a.m. in the morning, the silence makes the music sweeter and more nuanced - every line of lyric, touching a deeper place within you.

There's something about this particular CD, which makes me both happy and sad, all at once. The songs accompanied me, in some of the most special occasions of my life - and now that I'm listening to it alone, there is certain sorrow, that follows too.

Wherever you are, whatever you're doing, I hope you have a copy of this CD. And that you think of me (and remember us, in the happier times), occasionally, when you're listening to the songs. Because there's not a single time when I play this CD, that I don't think about you, sayang,....


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Back to the Cherating stories. This one's going to be slightly more somber.

There we were in Kuantan by the Riverside, having nasi lemak and ikan pari (stingray). (Yes, I did notice the irony - that Stingray was having a stingray for dinner. Hehehehe,...) And the ikan pari was brilliant - it was soft and fresh and dipped in the kicap sauce, it just landed divinely on the tongue.

Good company and good food. It doesn't get any better than this.

After dinner conversation revolved around Ivan. Over the course of the last few years, Ivan has changed somewhat - and he's noticed it, too. He's become a bit of a whiner - everything was wrong about people, places and situations around him. He used to be cheerful and positive about life - nowadays, he just gives out a lot of negative vibes.

The problem was, Ivan had set expectations for the world. And the world was just not meeting his standards. And the more the world failed to comply to his benchmarks, the more aggravated he became. And his expressions and outlook on everything became more negative.

I asked Ivan to make something a habit. I asked him to say something positive, for every negative thing that he recognized about a person, a place or a situation. Just to strike a balanced outlook, purposefully. And to see how he feels, at the end of the day. And if he can't possibly find something positive to say about someone, then find the compassion for the person - learn to emphatize, or at the very least, sympathize.

He accepted the challenge. He even tried it out, immediately - he tried something nice about a person he despises. And he managed for about 3 minutes, before the negative verbal diarrhea started again. But at least, he was trying. :)

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As Jamil and Ivan were buying keropok lekor at the roadside stalls, Acat and I sat in the car having a good conversation. A short while later, his girlfriend, The Babe, called on his mobile phone and he signalled me to keep quiet. I was a little surprised, but complied to his wishes.

I eavesdropped on the conversation while pretending to read the papers. And he kept saying things like - "yeah, Langkawi is great!" LANGKAWI? Since when were we in Langkawi???

As his phone conversation ended, he looked at me sheepishly. "I told her I was in Langkawi for work", he confessed. But why?

"Because she might object to me spending time with you guys", he replied. Because as it is, he hardly has time for her. Because as it is, he's never really taken her out for holidays, in the last few years. Because she may not understand and may feel that she's not as important to him. Which is not true - according to him.

I raised my eyebrow, as a gesture of disbelief.

"Yes, I will tell her the truth, eventually", he retorted. "I just didn't want to go through the hassle of consoling her, before the trip".

I smiled and laughed. Attached men always find great excuses for their inconsiderate little white lies. No matter how much they love their girls, sooner or later, they start treating them like their mothers - figures of authority that you have to "work around".

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On our trip back to KL, I had the front seat again and my job was to keep awake and to keep the driver awake. Acat and Jamil were fast asleep, perhaps exhausted from the adventure of the last few days.

Even though Ivan and I were roommates, that was the first point within the holiday that we had some quite personal time to talk. And talk we did.

Some interesting questions arose from similar situations, albeit different circumstances. What does one do with feelings for someone special, for something that can never be?

My answer to that conundrum was to acknowledge what the feeling was and to start overcoming it.

Ivan's answer was slightly different - that it's better to deny the feelings ever existed and to live and let live. Although it was important to him, to know what the other party felt - something which I deemed irrelevant and was just inviting more complications, if the consideration was invited in.

I looked at Ivan's marriage and felt that there was a lot of reality, in it.

He's a relatively good husband and a loving and attentive father. He has a lovely and understanding wife and 2 great kids and in many ways, has a life that many would envy. Even though his wife was his 2nd choice and he still has feelings for someone else, (which is reciprocated) but he would never wreck his marriage and family. That was his love and his commitment - to his wife and his children. And he would remain true to it.

Many men (or women)would not be as strong. And I'm sure that there's a fair number of people out there, quietly living this life. Those who have decided that there are more important things out there, than one's own personal feelings. And they've chosen to sacrifice their heart, for the promises which they have made for a lifetime.

I respect him for the strength of his commitment. I wear my heart on my sleeve - therefore, the act of concealing what I feel, as he does, would be really strange and alien to me. And I have failed at it, before. Tragically.

Dear God, give me the providence to find a life partner, who I cannot live without. And failing that, give me one that I can live with and shut my heart from remembering what love is (with or for others) and make it grow only with the person that I'm with.

I pray for strength in future and better still, I pray for happiness.

For life is a script that is not only written with our words and actions, but also by our silence and inertia. And our choices and decisions, on which course to take.

There is no right and wrong for these things. To each, his/her own decisions and the only measure is whether you're willing to live with the consequences, of those decisions. We all have our own journeys to take and destinies to fulfill.

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Talking about acknowledging, Ivan asked me to identify why it is that I'm still so in love with her.

It's because she made me feel special. She accepted me as I am and there were no parts of me, that she considered a liability or "excess baggage". Because I love the way she felt in my arms.

The way she loved to hug, snuggle and look adoringly at me, with those big sexy eyes. Her voice and the way she mentions my name, when she's wide awake or when she's half-asleep. The flirting on the phone, the growing passion in every touch. She was craving for affection and I had so much to give.

"But you have to remember - she decided that you were not good enough for her - despite all that", Ivan said. That sharp remark, jolted me back to reality.

Because as I was explaining to Ivan what it is, that I love about you - I realized how much I've been suppressing. And that even though I'm handling it better now, I'm still a long way from getting over you.

But I also realized, that you had already made your decision. And despite all your proclaimed love and displays of affection, I was not your choice.

And one day, I will learn to accept this and move on. As if reading my mind, Ivan patted my back and said, "Sabarlah. You will get over her".


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As I end this blog, the song "All Would Envy" is playing on the CD, sung by Shawn Colvin (and featuring Chris Botti). I smiled - I remember telling you that this was a tragic song about you. Except that you're not marrying an old man. But this was your favourite song, in the album.

All would envy, indeed.

I'd prefer the lyrics in Nat King Cole's song "Nature Boy" (and sung by Celine Dion) - "the greatest thing you'll ever learn, is just to love and be loved, in return".

Touche.