Singapore Shots - Part 1

There we were in my hotel room. Cole, Sharon, Benjy, his lovely wife, Karen and their 11-month old baby, Jonathan.

We've been extremely lucky this year - this is the 3rd time we're catching up over the past one year. And for Cole, Benjy and I - it has truly strengthened our 11-year friendships with one another - all the way from our undergraduate days. Benjy was my housemate for 2 years and Cole, our very own group's self-appointed (but amazingly talented) chef. Benjy and Cole are Singaporeans, by nationality.

Much has changed over the years. And yet so little has. There was a time when I was married, Benjy was juggling girls and Cole was the religious Christian boy. Now, I'm divorced and reflective, Benjy's the model husband and father and Cole has become Singapore's embodiment of Don Juan - treating women like mere commodities. :)

We've seen each other evolve and mature. And in some cases, regress to immaturity. But the bond has strengthened and our understanding of the other's perspective seems to deepen, as we find ourselves, in the shoes they were previously in. It's like we came one full circle - taking turns to be the other in our lives.

But through out all this - a few things have kept the friendship solid between the 3 of us - the ability to be honest without being judgmental, the ability to advice without being offensive, the ability to care without imposing one's values. There are too few friendships in life, that understand these unspoken rules.

It was a great 3 days in Singapore and the boys made it a point to spend some time, everyday, with me. This lavishness of attention made me miss our old days in London - back in our posh apartment in Whitechapel.

Benjy and I, are especially close. He was my housemate and the person who knew me the best, during some turbulent emotional periods, in London. Unlike me, Benjy's an introvert - but let him not fool you - beneath that silken silence, there's a mind that understand a lot more, than he lets on. Benjy always manages to say things that makes me think.

And that moment came again, recently. We were on a drive back to my hotel and we stopped at a traffic light.

I told him how envious I was of his life - not necessarily the career part, where we're both doing well and on our way up - but more of the other things in life - a lovely wife, a beautiful baby, good relationship with his parents and a holistic life centered around religion.

He paused for a while - as if letting what I said sink in and preparing to respond - and in typical Benjy style, articulated an original, surprising and thought-provoking reply.

He looked straight at me and said, "You know, I don't think everyone is suited to married life". Although he didn't mention any names - I knew that he thought that I was one of those people. And he wanted me to think about it, too.

"I think you have to know what you want and I think you do know, what you want in life. But the question you have to ask is: would it be fulfilled by being married? Is it enough for you? It may be enough for others, but it may not be enough for you. You've got to be honest to yourself and ask what you really want out of your life. And whether being married will help you get, what you want."

His points took me aback. This was not something that came off the cuff. This is an observation from a close friend, who has known me quite well, for 11 years now. And he's seen me go through several girlfriends and one marriage.

And from the look on Benjy's face - I knew what he was trying to say and the points which he wanted me to reflect on.

He's seen the things I've aspired to. He's seen the unconventional way I've lived my life, throwing caution to the wind and blindly relentless, in pushing what I feel is good for this country. To give everything your best, to live and to love, with no "what-ifs" or regrets over things not done. Even at great cost and detriment.

He's seen the constant highs (and lows) I've had in my life and he's wondering, whether I could live without it - or whether I was addicted to the emotional roller-coaster. Whether I could live with the sedateness and regularity of normal married and family-oriented life. Whether I could find a life partner that could keep up with my dreams and expectations, over time.

Whether that would be enough for me (as it's enough for him) or as Xena would aptly put it - "whether I would get bored".

I'm back in KL now and it's been 2 days since Benjy made that comment. But it's still ringing in my head - like an annoying trivia question with an elusive answer.

I'm stumped. I don't know. Or does a part of me, actually know - but refuses to acknowledge it? And if it is true - where the hell do I go from here?

More questions. No answers. But I'm thankful for Benjy's honesty and penetrating insight.

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It was only our 2nd dinner date, after a month of chatting on YM. The cool and breezy outdoor evening environment in Clarke Quay, was lively but romantic, the Moghul food was delicious and the dinner companion was exquisitely attractive.

She's of Arabic descent, she's hot and she's really down to earth. The conversation was pleasant and it flowed effortlessly. I love the way Singaporean Malay girls blend their liberal streak with a deep-rooted and conservative religious upbringing. Not too liberal, not too conservative, but certainly interesting and intelligent - just the way I like it. And thankfully, she seemed keen on me.

If you had asked me to rationally describe a typical profile of the woman that I would be attracted to - she would fit the profile on all fours. There was absolutely nothing wrong with her - Benjy and Cole met her on the night before for supper with me and they were impressed.

But there seems to be no lasting attraction on my side to her. For some reason, it was out of sight, out of mind.

Benjy, Cole and Xena came up with the same reasoning as to why this happened - "maybe it's because she DOESN'T have a problem, like the girls you usually tend to fall for."

The assumption is disturbing and I sure hope it's not true. Not that I have a better reason to offer, currently.

Good grief, Charlie Brown!