Forget Paris?
Some of you might have seen a film called "Forget Paris" by Billy crystal and Debra Winger - where a couple meets and falls in love in Paris, gets married and faces a rude awakening on married life.
Because it was nothing, like it was for them in Paris. Because they wonder what happened to the person they married.
Well, something triggered my memory about "Forget Paris" tonight.
************************************************************************************
He said to me while holding the cigarette: "I didn't realize I was cheating on my wife, until she told me. Then it dawned on me, that I was".
"Are you sleeping with her?" I asked. "No" - he firmly replied.
That was a relief.
"So, what did she mean?" I continued probing.
He took another puff of his cigarette.
"We were watching TV and she was laying her head on my lap. We were so comfortable, words were unnecessary. She was in a nightrobe and it took everything I had, not to take advantage of the situation. I realized how strongly I felt for her and how I can't seem to shake it off. And that I've always been in love with her."
And then she said it - "You know you're cheating on your wife, right?"
He replied, "But we've never gone all the way". At least, that was HIS definition of cheating.
To which she replied, "That's true. But you're often here with me and your wife doesn't know. And I know your heart, is here with me. That is already a form of betrayal, to a woman."
"But don't worry. All men do it. A lot of women, too. You're not the first and you won't be the last" she said nonchalantly.
He paused for a while. "And you know what, Ray? She was right. Though I never really looked at it that way, I have been cheating on my wife. With all my heart and soul."
"But I wonder, what ever happened to the woman I married? She's changed so much - she used to be so vibrant, interesting, alive. I just don't recognize her anymore."
**********************************************************************************
Had this last comment come from the town Romeo, I would not have blinked.
But this was a man, who in a lot of ways, was a model employee, husband and father. He's always been the good kid. The standard-bearer. The guy the naughty kids, would respect and envy. The guy that mothers would readily throw their daughters too.
And he's been married for 6 years. But lately, unhappily, for most part. Because she has changed and he has remained the same, according to him.
But it reminded me of "Forget Paris". How things changed after the marriage. How the couple grew apart, as opposed to growing together. And how their expectations differed, on what marriage would be like. And then, came the communication breakdown and the lethargy in making an effort.
I wondered how many marriages out there, were like this. Is it fair to expect that things remain the same, after marriage and a few children? Can you stop the role of mother and father from engulfing your life, to the point that you forget to be husband and wife or lovers? And most importantly, each other's best friends?
The Smoker will stay in his marriage, because he feels that this is what is meant by a commitment. After the love has faded and the expectations do not meet anymore, you're obliged to be there - because your marriage vows said so. And no way, would he break his children's hearts, by splitting up with his wife.
This is not always the case with people, though.
It reminded me of this demure tudung-clad 46-year old lady, I know that was ready to throw away a 20-year marriage and contemplated a divorce, (and 4 kids later) because she felt that her husband "has stopped growing emotionally". The last 5 years of her marriage had been a living lie - they kept up appearances, for her parents' sake.
When I asked her why, she said: "Because he's become a slob - he doesn't want to do things together with me, anymore. He's stopped making the effort, a long time ago. I still want to experience new things, I miss the conversations we used to have and I still want to grow as a person. I want us to grow together. And I'm tired of begging him, to do this together with me."
She continued: "And I'd be happier alone, than to be married to a person, who can't be bothered to try anymore."
But sometimes, Fate has a few surprises in store for you. Her husband snapped out of his marital slumber and started making the effort, when he realized that he was risking the demise of 20-year marriage. He started courting her again, to win back her affections.
Today, they're the picture of marital health.
They're holding hands in public again (something which I haven't seen them do, in 15 years), they take off for a romantic rendezvous whenever they can and they're exploring a lot of new things in life together. And the long meaningful conversations, the thing which brought them together, began again - just like in the early days of their courting and marriage.
But it took the risk of losing the marriage, to get them there.
No, it cannot always be Paris, I guess. The realities of marriage can be hard, for those who are not self-aware and even less aware of their partner's needs, due to a lack of communication or inertia arising, despite the communication.
And you can't be expected to always be the same person, after you're married. Responsibilities and familial roles, do take its toll on people, sometimes. People can forget to be themselves, in the ensuing efforts to raise children, to take care of the home and to make a living.
But the good marriages have life partners in them, that are willing to grow together. Or at least, to make the effort from growing apart. And the best ones - still have love in them and the constant effort to keep it alive.
***********************************************************************************
I'm hoping for the best for The Smoker and his wife.
He's decided to stop his affair and betrayal of the heart - although he's quite convinced that he's been in love with the "other woman", for the last 11 years.
But his commitment to his marriage, is still strong - and I hope that he'll find his way back and that his days ahead, will be better. I respect his commitment but I hope for his sake, that he will find love and reciprocal effort too, in the marriage.
Having one without the other, seems more like a duty or a sentence, rather than a lifetime bond.
Because it was nothing, like it was for them in Paris. Because they wonder what happened to the person they married.
Well, something triggered my memory about "Forget Paris" tonight.
************************************************************************************
He said to me while holding the cigarette: "I didn't realize I was cheating on my wife, until she told me. Then it dawned on me, that I was".
"Are you sleeping with her?" I asked. "No" - he firmly replied.
That was a relief.
"So, what did she mean?" I continued probing.
He took another puff of his cigarette.
"We were watching TV and she was laying her head on my lap. We were so comfortable, words were unnecessary. She was in a nightrobe and it took everything I had, not to take advantage of the situation. I realized how strongly I felt for her and how I can't seem to shake it off. And that I've always been in love with her."
And then she said it - "You know you're cheating on your wife, right?"
He replied, "But we've never gone all the way". At least, that was HIS definition of cheating.
To which she replied, "That's true. But you're often here with me and your wife doesn't know. And I know your heart, is here with me. That is already a form of betrayal, to a woman."
"But don't worry. All men do it. A lot of women, too. You're not the first and you won't be the last" she said nonchalantly.
He paused for a while. "And you know what, Ray? She was right. Though I never really looked at it that way, I have been cheating on my wife. With all my heart and soul."
"But I wonder, what ever happened to the woman I married? She's changed so much - she used to be so vibrant, interesting, alive. I just don't recognize her anymore."
**********************************************************************************
Had this last comment come from the town Romeo, I would not have blinked.
But this was a man, who in a lot of ways, was a model employee, husband and father. He's always been the good kid. The standard-bearer. The guy the naughty kids, would respect and envy. The guy that mothers would readily throw their daughters too.
And he's been married for 6 years. But lately, unhappily, for most part. Because she has changed and he has remained the same, according to him.
But it reminded me of "Forget Paris". How things changed after the marriage. How the couple grew apart, as opposed to growing together. And how their expectations differed, on what marriage would be like. And then, came the communication breakdown and the lethargy in making an effort.
I wondered how many marriages out there, were like this. Is it fair to expect that things remain the same, after marriage and a few children? Can you stop the role of mother and father from engulfing your life, to the point that you forget to be husband and wife or lovers? And most importantly, each other's best friends?
The Smoker will stay in his marriage, because he feels that this is what is meant by a commitment. After the love has faded and the expectations do not meet anymore, you're obliged to be there - because your marriage vows said so. And no way, would he break his children's hearts, by splitting up with his wife.
This is not always the case with people, though.
It reminded me of this demure tudung-clad 46-year old lady, I know that was ready to throw away a 20-year marriage and contemplated a divorce, (and 4 kids later) because she felt that her husband "has stopped growing emotionally". The last 5 years of her marriage had been a living lie - they kept up appearances, for her parents' sake.
When I asked her why, she said: "Because he's become a slob - he doesn't want to do things together with me, anymore. He's stopped making the effort, a long time ago. I still want to experience new things, I miss the conversations we used to have and I still want to grow as a person. I want us to grow together. And I'm tired of begging him, to do this together with me."
She continued: "And I'd be happier alone, than to be married to a person, who can't be bothered to try anymore."
But sometimes, Fate has a few surprises in store for you. Her husband snapped out of his marital slumber and started making the effort, when he realized that he was risking the demise of 20-year marriage. He started courting her again, to win back her affections.
Today, they're the picture of marital health.
They're holding hands in public again (something which I haven't seen them do, in 15 years), they take off for a romantic rendezvous whenever they can and they're exploring a lot of new things in life together. And the long meaningful conversations, the thing which brought them together, began again - just like in the early days of their courting and marriage.
But it took the risk of losing the marriage, to get them there.
No, it cannot always be Paris, I guess. The realities of marriage can be hard, for those who are not self-aware and even less aware of their partner's needs, due to a lack of communication or inertia arising, despite the communication.
And you can't be expected to always be the same person, after you're married. Responsibilities and familial roles, do take its toll on people, sometimes. People can forget to be themselves, in the ensuing efforts to raise children, to take care of the home and to make a living.
But the good marriages have life partners in them, that are willing to grow together. Or at least, to make the effort from growing apart. And the best ones - still have love in them and the constant effort to keep it alive.
***********************************************************************************
I'm hoping for the best for The Smoker and his wife.
He's decided to stop his affair and betrayal of the heart - although he's quite convinced that he's been in love with the "other woman", for the last 11 years.
But his commitment to his marriage, is still strong - and I hope that he'll find his way back and that his days ahead, will be better. I respect his commitment but I hope for his sake, that he will find love and reciprocal effort too, in the marriage.
Having one without the other, seems more like a duty or a sentence, rather than a lifetime bond.
posted by Stingrayz | 2:15 PM
12 Comments:
This entry particularly makes me cry. And I can feel the hurt again.
A betrayal of heart is worse than the physical one. But the lady knew it and is still being selfish by justifying the fact that he is not the 1st or the last person to do it.
It's not the wife who has changed but rather it's the Romeo who doesnt want to 'change'. He doesnt want to give-up his love for the lady.
And as you said (which I fiercely agree with), "you can't be expected to always be the same person, after you're married".
"But good marriages have life partners in them, that are willing to grow together. Or at least, to make the effort from growing apart." Always wanting to keep it alive...
How true.. how very true...
I hope the Romeo chooses his marriage over the affair because he wants to grow with his wife. Not because he feels that it is an obligation to do so.
Anonymous:
I don't know what he will do. But from what I know, he will always try to do the right thing.
Question is, in this circumstance: what IS the right thing? Do you choose love or commitment?
I don't have the answer to that, dear.
Thinktankgal:
Totally agree with you that it takes a lot of work, to make it work and to keep the love alive.
I guess it's difficult only when at least, one party does not believe in keeping the fire alive.
Then you have a mismatch of expectations.
As for me, I hope that one day, I will find someone that I love and believes in keeping the love alive.
Mana nak cari mak kucing macam ni? ;)
Your question about deciding between Love and Commitment. I suppose you should take whatever decision which you can live with for the rest of your life with a clear conscience, without guilt or regret.
But take that decision he must - one way or the other, because to me the status quo is unfair to both ladies.
Anon 2
this is a beautiful post Sting... I think about those things you mentioned..and sometimes wonder.. is there really a happily ever after?
and then you see those couples who've made it thru the storm...and you can't help but believe in them...in the happily ever after...though of course, there are hurdles to gallop over, time and time again...
This is a good post - I'll just say that I understand the betrayal that's been engendered and all the emotions that go along with that.
Thinktankgal:
Mak kucing are hard to find nowadays. And God knows, I feel the generation gap with some of the "kittens", out there. ;)
Anon 2:
Very good answer. I guess the answer depends on the person experiencing it.
Although I think in the Smoker's case, I think the option which leads to guilt, is likely to lead to a lifetime regret.
I don't know. Sometimes, what we can live with and what we want, are 2 different things. And to each, his own.
Elina:
What an intriguing comment. :)
Sorry that you had to go through that. A triangle is always an awful thing, with potential for even worse outcomes.
Marina:
I think there's an ever after, for most. And for those not so lucky - there's always just - after.
Happily, is another matter altogether.
Contentedly, is probably more, the domain many are familiar. It's not great, but it's not a miserable existence, either.
I think happiness is 50% making the best of things to be happy and the other 50%, is having the luck to be blessed with it.
But I guess at the end of the day, it's about how honest you want to be, about the life you want to live.
Much of it is a matter of personal choice.
Of course you have the answer Stingray. A thinker like you..
So, love or commitment?
Given this triangle situation, I'd choose commitment. Because it means choosing love after all. Didn't this commitment started with love? I am pretty sure that The Smoker was not forced to commit (i.e marry) his wife. Did he? Did he marry his wife out of pity? If so, then that's a different story altogether.
Thinktankgal:
Pick on someone your own age-lah. ;)
:) said:
For me, personally - I'd choose love.
I know myself. Took a few long hard lessons and years, to learn that. And I have to be true to my nature.
In the case of The Smoker - I think he will choose commitment.
And giving up the love of his life and never knowing what might have been.
And yes, even keeping to that commitment, is an act of love - I guess. There is much love in self-sacrifice.
Thinktankgal:
Maybe you'll find one in the pancake house. Hehehe.
so you mean to say that if you are caught up in this triangle, you'd choose to be with your lover rather than your wife that you are married to?
:) said:
You ask really tough questions, dear. :)
To be honest, that's the classic nightmare situation, I try to avoid.
And that is why I want to be in love, with the person I'm married to.
And throughout my life (so far of 32 years), I've never fallen out of love with people that I'm in love with. Never.
With all 3 of them, it's more about learning to let go of hope, than falling out of love with them.
(So far, for at least 2 out of 3 girls, I've ever been in love with - it's taken about 4 years to recover from each of them, on average. I think I will get over the 3rd girl, once she's married next year)
I've only made mistakes, when I've given up on love and chose pragmatism, as my starting point.
And mistakenly convinced myself, that one day, I will learn to love the person that I'm with.
It doesn't work for me. Had to find that out, the hard way. And the cost of my mistake, was so heavy to many. :(
And I guess, between the lines, you have my answer. Though I pray that I'd never get in that triangle situation.
One big mistake, is enough for 3 lifetimes.
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