Great Night, Mixed Feelings - Part 2
After Denz's and Siew Huey's wedding at Mandarin Oriental - which must be one the best wedding of this year - I dragged my friends from Singapore - Benjy, Karen, Cole, Cole's (disaster) date, Ms. User Friendly - along with some other friends, to a club in Heritage Row.
It's been a particularly good evening - the church wedding was uplifting, the wedding dinner was fun and acted as a reunion for most of us and on Karen's request for "a place to dance to retro music we can understand" - I brought them to Mojo.
And despite the fact that I didn't bump into the usual crowd there, I still had a good time. Shot a few rounds of pool, enjoyed the music a little but mostly, relishing the time that I had with my buddies from Singapore.
But somehow, the itch to find the familiar faces got to me and I stepped into the club next door, to see if anyone was there. Halfway into the club, I noticed a familiar face - it looked like a close friend of N's. 2 seconds later, I saw another close friend of N's.
A thought struck me - damn it - she must be somewhere here, too. Less than a month ago, I bumped into First Man and now there's a possibility that I'll be bumping into her too. Dammit!
I did a 180 degrees turn and walked out of there, in a flash. I was having a good night and I didn't want to bump into her. Went back to Mojo, relieved that I was spared a second awkward encounter.
And the night progressed well again. I didn't think about it.
It wasn't until we decided to call it a night and walked out of the club, did I notice of one of N's close friends - outside by the kerb. And I could have sworn she was glancing at me - perhaps, she recognized me. Not that we were ever formally introduced - N always kept me hidden from the rest of her world.
As we were looking at each other for a few seconds, my eyes glanced over at the figure beside her - with her back to me.
It was N. I would know that hair, skin colour, shoulders and figure anywhere.
I immediately looked away, pretending not to notice. Or maybe just not wanting to see her face. I've detoxed from her and have been "clean" for close to 2 months now -I didn't want to regress.
Said my goodbyes to the Singaporean gang (as they'll be returning to Singapore tomorrow) and I started walking very fast towards the car park, trailed by my friend, Xena, who was doing the driving.
I must have passed in front of N, but I kept my eyes glued to the ground - I didn't want her to see me and neither did I want to see her. My legs couldn't walk fast enough for me to get out of there, I felt. I was relieved to get into the car - at least my night, was not spoiled. I refused to let it spoil my night.
But it occured to me that this was going to be harder than my splits with Lina and Ms. Fickle. At least I don't stand the chance to bump into them, because we have different social circles and hangouts. With Lina, it was at least 2 years, before I bumped into her once, after the split and never again after that, for the next 6 years. I had plenty of time to strengthen and not regress.
But with N, this was unlikely to happen. We revolve around similar activities, overlapping social circles and the same hangouts. Realistically, I can't avoid her forever. Although I can reduce the chances drastically, if I quit clubbing. But there are still no guarantees.
I don't know what I'm going to do. My reaction shows that I'm not ready to bump into her yet, under any condition. I don't want to see her, I don't want to hear from her (even via SMS) and I don't want to know, what she's doing. I want to be able to harden first and not to remember all the things that made me fall for her, in the first place. I need that time.
So what do I do? Pray for luck of avoidance and keep my eyes glued to the ground, I guess. And hope that time passes really quickly and before I realize it, I've been detoxed and "clean" for at least, 1 year. And hopefully by then, my feelings will not be as strong anymore, or will dissipate forever.
That's all I can do, for the while. God, give me strength!
It's been a particularly good evening - the church wedding was uplifting, the wedding dinner was fun and acted as a reunion for most of us and on Karen's request for "a place to dance to retro music we can understand" - I brought them to Mojo.
And despite the fact that I didn't bump into the usual crowd there, I still had a good time. Shot a few rounds of pool, enjoyed the music a little but mostly, relishing the time that I had with my buddies from Singapore.
But somehow, the itch to find the familiar faces got to me and I stepped into the club next door, to see if anyone was there. Halfway into the club, I noticed a familiar face - it looked like a close friend of N's. 2 seconds later, I saw another close friend of N's.
A thought struck me - damn it - she must be somewhere here, too. Less than a month ago, I bumped into First Man and now there's a possibility that I'll be bumping into her too. Dammit!
I did a 180 degrees turn and walked out of there, in a flash. I was having a good night and I didn't want to bump into her. Went back to Mojo, relieved that I was spared a second awkward encounter.
And the night progressed well again. I didn't think about it.
It wasn't until we decided to call it a night and walked out of the club, did I notice of one of N's close friends - outside by the kerb. And I could have sworn she was glancing at me - perhaps, she recognized me. Not that we were ever formally introduced - N always kept me hidden from the rest of her world.
As we were looking at each other for a few seconds, my eyes glanced over at the figure beside her - with her back to me.
It was N. I would know that hair, skin colour, shoulders and figure anywhere.
I immediately looked away, pretending not to notice. Or maybe just not wanting to see her face. I've detoxed from her and have been "clean" for close to 2 months now -I didn't want to regress.
Said my goodbyes to the Singaporean gang (as they'll be returning to Singapore tomorrow) and I started walking very fast towards the car park, trailed by my friend, Xena, who was doing the driving.
I must have passed in front of N, but I kept my eyes glued to the ground - I didn't want her to see me and neither did I want to see her. My legs couldn't walk fast enough for me to get out of there, I felt. I was relieved to get into the car - at least my night, was not spoiled. I refused to let it spoil my night.
But it occured to me that this was going to be harder than my splits with Lina and Ms. Fickle. At least I don't stand the chance to bump into them, because we have different social circles and hangouts. With Lina, it was at least 2 years, before I bumped into her once, after the split and never again after that, for the next 6 years. I had plenty of time to strengthen and not regress.
But with N, this was unlikely to happen. We revolve around similar activities, overlapping social circles and the same hangouts. Realistically, I can't avoid her forever. Although I can reduce the chances drastically, if I quit clubbing. But there are still no guarantees.
I don't know what I'm going to do. My reaction shows that I'm not ready to bump into her yet, under any condition. I don't want to see her, I don't want to hear from her (even via SMS) and I don't want to know, what she's doing. I want to be able to harden first and not to remember all the things that made me fall for her, in the first place. I need that time.
So what do I do? Pray for luck of avoidance and keep my eyes glued to the ground, I guess. And hope that time passes really quickly and before I realize it, I've been detoxed and "clean" for at least, 1 year. And hopefully by then, my feelings will not be as strong anymore, or will dissipate forever.
That's all I can do, for the while. God, give me strength!
posted by Stingrayz | 11:14 AM
8 Comments:
Hey, you attended the wedding reception in MO? I was next door attending my co's annual dinner. And I parked in MO too actually and I noticed the reception going on. Too bad we didn't cross path :)
On the actual issue, perhaps it is among the tests that you have to undergo to get over her, too early as it may seem.
Life isn't simple , but we don't have to make it more complicated than it already is...
It's quite a bummer isn't it. Gonna be a long ride. Hang in there buddy!
Thinktankgal:
Thanks and welcome to the blog! I occasionally visit your blog too. And for the record, I've always preferred Assuntarians to Sri Amanians. ;)
Voice:
Yes, it is a test. Have gone through it before and will survive it better, this time. I think the detox is going relatively well.
Whitechapel:
Welcome to the blog! Any reason why you used the name Whitechapel? It just sounds mysteriously familiar,...
It sounds like Stingray here actually came from Assunta from hospital to secondary school.. hehehe.. ;)
I think u need a stronger dose of detoxification laarr.. you sure are still experiencing withdrawalkingaway symptoms.. hahaha..
As i know u both.. i think it's best to let it go, be the gentleman here and be civil.. friendly casual useless crappy meaningless conversations will be a good way to start to ease away that awkwardness..
It's time we all accept the reality of the situation and make best and peace with the decisions already made..
Dato Nak BMW :)
Thinktankgal:
Now that's what I call an Assunta thoroughbread. ;)
JD:
Nope. I disagree. Not yet. I'm not awkward - am still angry and hurt. The pain is still very raw.
And that has to pass first, before any meaningless crappy conversations can take place. (Not that I don't have enough of that around.)
Sometimes, it's just better to let things be. To give it time until both good and bad feelings harden.
Hope you understand, bro'.
*hugs*
Take your time - after a while, you won't feel a thing. In the meanwhile, a quarantine of sorts is a necessary sacrifice. Maybe you should exit this particular circle for a while, at least till the wounds heal. Who knows what wonders you'll find in a different circle?
Thanks, Najah. Good to hear from you. :)
Yes, am already thinking of the quarantine idea - it'll kick off in bulan puasa and will perhaps last, till the new year.
Hope the "three" of you are doing well over there. :) Send my warmest regards to Fiche.
i need to kick you where it hurts!!! :p
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