The Right Map

It feels strange being at this keyboard, blogging again. My fingers feel alien to this keyboard, expressing something that is not work-related.

Much has happened since my last entry. Work is still quite good but my personal life has been, as usual, an expanding graveyard.

But the good thing is - it's forced me to do some hard thinking. About where I am and where I'm going. And why things have constantly gone wrong in the non-work related areas of my life. About the way I've looked at some of these things and how it's forcing me into repeated mistakes.

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Albert Einstein once said: "The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at, when we created them".


In the last few days or so, in my deep soul-searching, I've come to realize a few things. That I've spent a large part of my life modifying and refining my behaviour and attitude towards the circumstances (and people) in my personal life.

I dive into something, I stumble, I take a lesson out of it and I move on. And due to my resilient nature, I've become a professional stumbler, you could say. It hurts to fall, but each time, I tell myself that the lessons are well worth learning. So that I could make a better choice or decision, the next time round.

And in some circles, like my family and love life, I've been going around in circles. It's like I've been facing the same disease, but with many variants and mutations of that same disease. Different circumstances, different agents or people, but same conclusions. What's worse is that I seem to attract this disease.

In school, one of the approaches in being scientific about anything, to recognize consistent cause and effect, is to recognize the common factor in different circumstances.

And I've discovered that the only common factor in all these relationship disasters is ME.

All the girls (or family members) have either been great, complicated, emotionally messed-up, schizophrenic or neurotic. And they come in different shapes and sizes - all with their own baggage. But yes, the only true common factor is ME.

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It was on this line of thought, that I had pursued my quest for an answer. What IS IT about me, that's driving me into all these relationship disasters? Even though I've done my best and have given it my all? Why was I still failing?

I made up a list and came up with a few possible answers:

1) Craving for a family - I've wanted to have a proper non-dysfunctional family, ever since Ayah passed away, when I was 10. And the craving has become more insistent now after 22 years - it has lost the patience to wait and it has become irrepressible;


2) Fear of dying alone - If there is one thing that would negate and frustrate all my successes and achievements in other areas of my life - it would be the fact that despite all these achievements, I would still die alone, without a life partner or an offspring. That would render most things that I have, can (and will) achieve meaningless;


3) "Beat The Clock" mentality - That number 35 is subconsciously carved out in my mind, as the age that I should not exceed for marriage, lest I risk the possibility of being deprived of my enjoyment of the simple things, later on in life - like retirement, seeing my children graduate or get married, spending time with the grandchildren, etc.

The thing is: I lost one parent when he was 51 years of age and the other, when she was 65 years of age. My own estimate is that, I'd be lucky to exceed the life expectancy of both of them. And if I exceed 35, I will have very little time, to see my children bloom into independent and responsible adults and become parents themselves; and


4) I'm a romantic fool - I'm not a pragmatist when it comes to marriage. I'm a romantic fool and I need to be in love and besotted, with the person I'm with. And I need someone who feels the same way and will strive to keep the flame going, all throughout our lives.

I need to feel respect for her strength and her softness and admire her, for her principles and maturity. I need someone who will give me her 100% effort, in return for my 100% effort.

I'm willing to give it my all and I need someone who can give it her all. Today, and everyday after that.


5) That if I can understand their pain, I can help them solve it (e.g. "saviour complex") - THIS is complete nonsense. No, just because you understand the disease (their problems), doesn't mean you can cure it. Or help her cure it. The patient must want to recover. And each patient has a different capacity and resolve to "fight the disease".

And some patients don't want to recover, regardless of the cost of the disease. Even if it's terminal.


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Once I've identified my fears, it has now become an exercise in changing my paradigms on things. Because it is the above paradigms that have influenced my actions and choices.

And as long as I'm driven by the above fears, I'm not going to get anywhere. There will be many repeated mistakes, all in different forms and guises. And all born and precipitated from the same reservoir of fears.

Every morning in the last 2 weeks, I've told myself these same things every morning when I wake up:

That in the event that my personal life does not get any better than this and if I'm destined never to have a family of my own - that I will be fine. That I will live in the company of good friends and if I die, I will be mourned and missed by good friends. And my "offsprings" will perhaps, be younger people who have learnt from me and have integrated the lessons into their own lives and families.

That I should stop chasing a subconscious time target for marriage and just let things flow to me. And to stop rushing into things, because it's leading me to a multiple number of mistaken choices. Yes, it will be more difficult if I exceed 35 years of age, but I'm resourceful and I'll just have to make the best of what little time I have with my family, if I only have a family in my 40's.

That I should stop thinking of settling for something less, because I'm afraid of ending up alone. Memang jodoh di tangan Tuhan, tapi pilihan di tangan kita. I'm not a cop-out by nature and from past experience, I know that I could never settle for less, in this area of my life, regardless of the absurd little corner, I may be driving myself into. And I should stop fooling myself about that.

That I should believe that all "victims of circumstances" in life can (or should) be helped. Some "victims" are victimisers themselves, whether they realize it or not. I've been a "victim of circumstances" in life too and I've not allowed it to wreck me and the choices I make, in life.

I shouldn't be looking to "create" survivors to love - I should just love those who have survived and are well-adjusted, despite surrounding adversities. And I should stop "compensating" for those who lack respect for me, or for themselves.


I repeat these things to myself every morning, now. And I believe one day, I will wake up and these new paradigms will be so ingrained in me, that I won't have to remind myself anymore.

Because the real lesson from my past disasters is that - having the wrong paradigms driving your life, could cause the best of your efforts to fail.

As Stephen Covey has pointed out in the past - there is no point in driving better, faster or having better attitude to a destination, if you're following the wrong map.

Wherever it leads me to after this, I don't plan to be clueless again, on where I am. Going onwards, everything shall be done with my eyes wide open and without fear of the future. Whatever comes, I will have to adapt.

And making the best of what I have, as if this is as good, as it's ever going to get.

There's no point waiting for tomorrow to happen - it might already be here.