A Long Lunch
There I was in Bangsar Shopping Centre feeling quite aimless, at lunchtime.
Having just finished a meeting with a few venture capitalists nearby, with my CEO, Frankie -I was planning to have lunch at BSC, before heading back to the office. Since Frankie had to head over to Citibank and was out the whole afternoon, I had to have lunch alone.
And anyone who knows me, knows that I HATE eating alone. It takes the joy out of eating, really.
It's when I'm walking around alone like that, that I start thinking about people and stuff. Friends, family, former lovers, work, migrating to New Zealand - everything under the sun. One of the things that passed my mind was my friend, Bo, who recently lost his wife (and the baby that she was carrying) to a mysterious illness.
God works in mysterious ways. About less than 10 minutes after I thought about him - I bumped into Bo, at BSC. He looked okay but his eyes were very sad. I had not seen him for a few months now and the last time he came over to the family house, was about 2 years ago.
I walked up to him, shook his hand and gave him a friendly hug. "I'm so sorry, bro', on what has happened. I'm sorry that I couldn't make it to the funeral in Seremban too". And then I said - "take some time out. I'm taking you out for lunch".
He smiled and nodded. I was glad - for both him and me.
***********************************************************************************
We ended up in Chili's at BSC. I was consoled to see that even though these were rather gloomy times for both of us, it didn't affect our appetite, any. We both ate like there's no tomorrow.
Bo had a lot to say. I've never known him to be an expressive person - he usually didn't like to talk much about his personal life.
But during that lunch, I was happy to be his outlet - I knew that he needed one, since he was still coping with the grief of losing Marina. Unlike me, he didn't blog or have any other form of emotional or creative expression.
Plus being there for him, took my attention away from my own pain - which I was dealing with quietly. I focused on him.
***********************************************************************************
He told me how it all happened. Marina had complained of feeling out of sorts for the last 2 weeks of her life. 3 private hospital check-ups had produced nothing - they certified with a clean bill of health and her pregnancy was going well.
All the doctors said that there as nothing wrong with her. This annoyed Marina even further - because she had almost fainted twice and the pain and discomfort, were real to her.
But there were signs that something was amiss - and Bo regretted not noticing. Though I told him that these signs, were not really obvious.
Like the fact that Marina asked to eat out a lot during Ramadhan, which was not her usual pattern. Or, when she insisted on sending the Raya cookies that she made for her mother immediately, even though Syawal was still quite some time away. Or, the times when she was extremely quiet, in the car - as if her thoughts, were on something far and distant.
And then there was the morning before she passed on - when she apologized to him, if she had been a difficult wife, to him. She had earlier related to her mother, that maybe this pregnancy was a bit more challenging - maybe because she had been temperamental, in her reaction towards Bo, in the past.
Bo denied any such thing. He told her that he loved her, that he was happy and that they had a good life together. He accepted her apology, hugged her and comforted her. Little did he know, that it would be the last time, he would see her alive.
Marina quietly fainted in the surau at her office, that afternoon. Her friends rushed her to Ampang Puteri but she had passed on, even before Bo's arrival at the hospital.
**********************************************************************************
Bo didn't know how to react to Marina's death. It was confounding - she had been given a clean bill of health and the doctors, mystifyingly, could not identify her cause of death - not without a post-mortem.
And he didn't see the point of doing a post-mortem - it wouldn't bring her back. Furthermore, it's a good practice in Islam to not delay the burial of the dead, more than necessary.
What worried him at that time, was how he was going to break the news to their 2 little girls - one was aged 5 and the other was 3. How would he explain that their mother was now gone - without a concrete reason? He was having problems explaining it to himself!
But throughout the funeral, to his great surprise and relief, the girls held steady - they were even stronger than the adults. They cried a little on the morning of the funeral when the jenazah was brought home but they didn't shed a tear, at any other time. At worst, they repeatedly opened the album to see Marina's photos - an indicator that they missed their mother.
His eldest daughter read the Yaasin, beside the jenazah at home before the funeral, while the younger one repeated the Fatihah. Bo seemed visibly moved and started crying when talking about this moment and my eyes started welling up, too.
According to all who attended, Marina's jenazah had a smile etched on her face, when the children were reciting the Quranic verses. Yes, Marina would be proud.
Bo attributed the strength of their children, to the religious school upbringing that Marina had insisted on, for their children. They seemed to have an easier grasp on death being a natural extension of life.
He related that at the family breakfast on the morning after the funeral, Big Sister said to Little Sister - "mesti best Mama sekarang ye. Dia ada kat syurga - kalau nak roti canai ngan Milo Ais, mintak je dapat. Kalau kita, kena pergi kedai". He nodded in agreement, half-amused and half-sad, as tears streaked down his cheeks. To which Big Sister said: "Abah, jangan nangis, nanti seksa roh Mama. Nanti roh Mama nangis".
Bo stopped crying immediately. He was amazed at the wisdom and simplicity of children. It was evident that Marina's strength were in their children, he felt.
**********************************************************************************
I consoled Bo and told him to be strong. Marina had died in a good way - she had lived a happy life with him, she apologized to him before she passed on, she lost consciousness in the prayer room and she passed away during Ramadhan. It was all in good circumstances - indicative of a blessed soul.
He wondered whether he could have been a better husband or a better listener, when she was alive. And whether he could have done more for her, while she was alive. It's unnecessary regret, really - anyone who had seen them together while she was still alive, would know that he is an attentive and doting husband.
And I told him: "The highway to heaven for a Muslim woman, is to make her husband happy. And you made it easy for her to do that, because you were a good husband and you loved her, without limits. She's led a great life with you and now she'll have a great afterlife. You've done all you can, Bo".
He quietly broke down again, trying to suppress the tears. "InsyaAllah", he said.
**********************************************************************************
We also talked about our Aidilfitri celebrations (or the lack of it). He told me how he had dressed the children in their Raya baju kurungs (something which Marina would have done on previous Aidilfitris), while he only bothered to put on a T-shirt and kain pelekat.
However, the grandparents on both sides made sure that the children, were not short of affection during Aidilfitri - and Bo was relieved for that.
His reaction is understandable - he had no Aidilfitri spirit without Marina. But I told him after that "you know, Bo - you haven't entirely lost her. You've got your 2 little girls and there will always be a part of Marina in them - in the things they say, the way they act and they way they look. She left you a part of herself, within them".
He reflected on this for a while and smiled. "You're right", he said, perhaps counting his blessings, in the children.
And then he said: "Raya must have been far worse for you, then. At least, I had the children. You're completely alone".
That statement suddenly made me feel better, for him. Ironically, I instantly felt worse, for myself. But yes, I was glad that he was feeling better.
**********************************************************************************
It was a 3-hour lunch. 2 men in a long emotional discussion, being reflective on tragedy, love and life. He needed to be consoled badly and I guess I needed to console someone, just as badly - just to stop feeling what I felt, for a while. I needed to focus on someone else's pain, for a while.
Perhaps, it was fated that we should bump into each other on that day.
It was our first long lunch in KL - and we promised that it won't be the last. We were both facing different challenges in our lives - but adversity will make us stronger, to be there for each other. And for others, who may need the support, along the way.
After all, there must be a stronger reason for emotional pain, above and beyond, just ourselves.
Having just finished a meeting with a few venture capitalists nearby, with my CEO, Frankie -I was planning to have lunch at BSC, before heading back to the office. Since Frankie had to head over to Citibank and was out the whole afternoon, I had to have lunch alone.
And anyone who knows me, knows that I HATE eating alone. It takes the joy out of eating, really.
It's when I'm walking around alone like that, that I start thinking about people and stuff. Friends, family, former lovers, work, migrating to New Zealand - everything under the sun. One of the things that passed my mind was my friend, Bo, who recently lost his wife (and the baby that she was carrying) to a mysterious illness.
God works in mysterious ways. About less than 10 minutes after I thought about him - I bumped into Bo, at BSC. He looked okay but his eyes were very sad. I had not seen him for a few months now and the last time he came over to the family house, was about 2 years ago.
I walked up to him, shook his hand and gave him a friendly hug. "I'm so sorry, bro', on what has happened. I'm sorry that I couldn't make it to the funeral in Seremban too". And then I said - "take some time out. I'm taking you out for lunch".
He smiled and nodded. I was glad - for both him and me.
***********************************************************************************
We ended up in Chili's at BSC. I was consoled to see that even though these were rather gloomy times for both of us, it didn't affect our appetite, any. We both ate like there's no tomorrow.
Bo had a lot to say. I've never known him to be an expressive person - he usually didn't like to talk much about his personal life.
But during that lunch, I was happy to be his outlet - I knew that he needed one, since he was still coping with the grief of losing Marina. Unlike me, he didn't blog or have any other form of emotional or creative expression.
Plus being there for him, took my attention away from my own pain - which I was dealing with quietly. I focused on him.
***********************************************************************************
He told me how it all happened. Marina had complained of feeling out of sorts for the last 2 weeks of her life. 3 private hospital check-ups had produced nothing - they certified with a clean bill of health and her pregnancy was going well.
All the doctors said that there as nothing wrong with her. This annoyed Marina even further - because she had almost fainted twice and the pain and discomfort, were real to her.
But there were signs that something was amiss - and Bo regretted not noticing. Though I told him that these signs, were not really obvious.
Like the fact that Marina asked to eat out a lot during Ramadhan, which was not her usual pattern. Or, when she insisted on sending the Raya cookies that she made for her mother immediately, even though Syawal was still quite some time away. Or, the times when she was extremely quiet, in the car - as if her thoughts, were on something far and distant.
And then there was the morning before she passed on - when she apologized to him, if she had been a difficult wife, to him. She had earlier related to her mother, that maybe this pregnancy was a bit more challenging - maybe because she had been temperamental, in her reaction towards Bo, in the past.
Bo denied any such thing. He told her that he loved her, that he was happy and that they had a good life together. He accepted her apology, hugged her and comforted her. Little did he know, that it would be the last time, he would see her alive.
Marina quietly fainted in the surau at her office, that afternoon. Her friends rushed her to Ampang Puteri but she had passed on, even before Bo's arrival at the hospital.
**********************************************************************************
Bo didn't know how to react to Marina's death. It was confounding - she had been given a clean bill of health and the doctors, mystifyingly, could not identify her cause of death - not without a post-mortem.
And he didn't see the point of doing a post-mortem - it wouldn't bring her back. Furthermore, it's a good practice in Islam to not delay the burial of the dead, more than necessary.
What worried him at that time, was how he was going to break the news to their 2 little girls - one was aged 5 and the other was 3. How would he explain that their mother was now gone - without a concrete reason? He was having problems explaining it to himself!
But throughout the funeral, to his great surprise and relief, the girls held steady - they were even stronger than the adults. They cried a little on the morning of the funeral when the jenazah was brought home but they didn't shed a tear, at any other time. At worst, they repeatedly opened the album to see Marina's photos - an indicator that they missed their mother.
His eldest daughter read the Yaasin, beside the jenazah at home before the funeral, while the younger one repeated the Fatihah. Bo seemed visibly moved and started crying when talking about this moment and my eyes started welling up, too.
According to all who attended, Marina's jenazah had a smile etched on her face, when the children were reciting the Quranic verses. Yes, Marina would be proud.
Bo attributed the strength of their children, to the religious school upbringing that Marina had insisted on, for their children. They seemed to have an easier grasp on death being a natural extension of life.
He related that at the family breakfast on the morning after the funeral, Big Sister said to Little Sister - "mesti best Mama sekarang ye. Dia ada kat syurga - kalau nak roti canai ngan Milo Ais, mintak je dapat. Kalau kita, kena pergi kedai". He nodded in agreement, half-amused and half-sad, as tears streaked down his cheeks. To which Big Sister said: "Abah, jangan nangis, nanti seksa roh Mama. Nanti roh Mama nangis".
Bo stopped crying immediately. He was amazed at the wisdom and simplicity of children. It was evident that Marina's strength were in their children, he felt.
**********************************************************************************
I consoled Bo and told him to be strong. Marina had died in a good way - she had lived a happy life with him, she apologized to him before she passed on, she lost consciousness in the prayer room and she passed away during Ramadhan. It was all in good circumstances - indicative of a blessed soul.
He wondered whether he could have been a better husband or a better listener, when she was alive. And whether he could have done more for her, while she was alive. It's unnecessary regret, really - anyone who had seen them together while she was still alive, would know that he is an attentive and doting husband.
And I told him: "The highway to heaven for a Muslim woman, is to make her husband happy. And you made it easy for her to do that, because you were a good husband and you loved her, without limits. She's led a great life with you and now she'll have a great afterlife. You've done all you can, Bo".
He quietly broke down again, trying to suppress the tears. "InsyaAllah", he said.
**********************************************************************************
We also talked about our Aidilfitri celebrations (or the lack of it). He told me how he had dressed the children in their Raya baju kurungs (something which Marina would have done on previous Aidilfitris), while he only bothered to put on a T-shirt and kain pelekat.
However, the grandparents on both sides made sure that the children, were not short of affection during Aidilfitri - and Bo was relieved for that.
His reaction is understandable - he had no Aidilfitri spirit without Marina. But I told him after that "you know, Bo - you haven't entirely lost her. You've got your 2 little girls and there will always be a part of Marina in them - in the things they say, the way they act and they way they look. She left you a part of herself, within them".
He reflected on this for a while and smiled. "You're right", he said, perhaps counting his blessings, in the children.
And then he said: "Raya must have been far worse for you, then. At least, I had the children. You're completely alone".
That statement suddenly made me feel better, for him. Ironically, I instantly felt worse, for myself. But yes, I was glad that he was feeling better.
**********************************************************************************
It was a 3-hour lunch. 2 men in a long emotional discussion, being reflective on tragedy, love and life. He needed to be consoled badly and I guess I needed to console someone, just as badly - just to stop feeling what I felt, for a while. I needed to focus on someone else's pain, for a while.
Perhaps, it was fated that we should bump into each other on that day.
It was our first long lunch in KL - and we promised that it won't be the last. We were both facing different challenges in our lives - but adversity will make us stronger, to be there for each other. And for others, who may need the support, along the way.
After all, there must be a stronger reason for emotional pain, above and beyond, just ourselves.
posted by Stingrayz | 5:56 PM
27 Comments:
*moved to tears*
we're all alone some way or another, but the fact is, there's always someone watching out for us. like how you care for Bo though you haven't met him in months.
Awww ... *sobs*
Just shows that we were put on this earth to do something for someone, somewhere, sometime. You both did something for each other that day - you made this earth a little more bearable for each other... and today, your post made me appreciate my new family even more.
May God bless you Sting (Sting sounds more macho, don't u think?)
Every Ramadhan, a lot of good and blessed souls passed on I noticed. Loneliness is subjective to each, whether we have/have not a loved one besides us.
Al Fatihah to arwahnya.
that is beautiful..
marry me?
I can only hope that I die during Ramadhan (though preferably not with child).
I will have to teach you how to have fun eating lunch alone!
Lauryn:
Sorry. Didn't mean to make you cry, dear.
Pseudonymous:
The word is Padawan, Obi Wan. :)
And trust me, macho men cry too, when they're alone. :)
Devil Bunny:
Where do you find time to have sad Fridays, between all the salsa partying? :)
Najah:
Yes, Sting sounds more macho. But it also sounds more copycat. :) Meow!
Nenn:
Too true. Loneliness is subjective and comes in many forms. Mine is still pretty mild.
There are souls that go through life, without ever being truthful, even to themselves.
That is the loneliest of all places and can happen, even when you're in a crowd.
Ylanda:
Thanks for the flattering proposal. But shouldn't you at least meet me first? ;)
For all you know, I could look like the back of a timber truck! :) Or have the manners of an orc!
Zsarina:
Am trying not to. You have no idea how hard I try. :)
Elina:
You can't teach me via mail or the phone, dear. Come home and accompany to a few lunches. I'm a slow learner. ;)
This is so sad...I guess the baby in her tummy didn't survive as well.
Death... Something I think about most of the time. I think that's why we have to cherish the people around while we can.
Lonely... For me is when you are surrounded by a lot of people you know and they just happen to not notice or forget you are there. Makes me feel so insignificant...
When I stumbled into this blog, I thought, "Wow, this guy has cool writing." Will become a regular visitor although I don't leave comments much.
Good luck and all the best. God bless.
Sexy Momma:
No. The baby did not survive either. :(
LMD:
Thanks. And remember this: people who make other people feel insignificant, are not significant in our lives.
Trust me on that one.
darling,
a man with looks of the back of a timber truck(not that i am implying you are one),or with manners of an orc, yet still has the capability to move me to tears: i am determined to make mine.
of course if u look/behave better than the above, that would be a bonus wouldn't it?
i cried. i cant help it. im getting more melodramatic :(
then i read the comments, i cudnt stop laughing. i think im going nuts...
Maybe life is like a video game. And you get points for doing good stuff. And some ppl are so good at the game they finish it earlier and go to the next level, leaving us to keep playing.
Ylanda:
You really should set your targets higher, doll. :)
Otherwise, you might actually end up with a rude, ugly orc who will make you cry, everyday. :)
(Actually, A LOT of men out there, do make women cry, in one way or another - so that shouldn't be hard ;))
Rizal:
Yes, you are going nuts. Hehe!
But a lot of guys would kill to be going nuts with the girl you have, beside you. :)
Lastjan:
Good analogy. Though I hope those of us who keep playing the video game, get more points and not less. :)
innalillah..
i was stunned when i figured out this is the same Allahyarhamah marina whose death was mentioned in a friend's friend's blog (http://bluescrubs.blogspot.com/2005/10/marina.html)
May Allah grant her jannah. And may Allah make it easy for the family she left to cope without her, ameen..
-just a bloghopper-
why, i've never really thought of it that way. you're right!
Nynoya La Mer:
Welcome to the blog!
And thanks for pointing out Scrubber's entry on Marina. Have read it and left a note for Scrubber.
Ylanda:
With that new perspective, haven't I just widened the market for you? ;)
ray...
wrt your sms the other day.. im so sorry about what happened.. im not too sure wat it was .. but im not about to butt in either.. you guys are both adults oredi .. anyway maybe that is partly why you were a bit melancholic.. do cheer up dear..keep your faith.. we dont know what HE has in store for us.. something much much better maybe ? ;-)
Ylanda..
Our ray here is neither looks like the back of a timber truck nor has the manner of an orc ... heheheh .. its more in the line of tall, dark (well it was dark in CPK that day ehehh) and impeccable manners :-P
that is so sad..thanks for sharing..
Devil Bunny:
I think it's time for coffee. :) Will call you soon.
Zue:
Thanks for caring. I do appreciate it. :)
Yes, we're all adults. But there are many types of adults, in this world. People don't always mean what they say.
But I'm ok. I'm a survivor, by nature.
Though emotionally, sometimes I wish I could do more, than just survive.
Salams to your hubby, Zue. :) Let's catch up some time soon.
Ylanda:
Don't believe everything Zue says. ;) She should be wearing glasses. Heh!
Sooz:
When are you updating lah? And how are you doing?
Thinktankgal:
Yep, will do. And we should catch up, too - maybe, we'll drag Dinzie along.
Ray, I have a suggestion.If you can do your catching up with the girls this Saturday, bring them along :)
Great idea, Voice! How about it, Thinktankgal? Dinzie? Min? (We can make it a group outing!)
zue,
really? thanks for the tip.
stingray,
CALL ME!!
Next time I'm back in town, will let you know!
Ylanda:
It's your risk, woman. You have been forewarned. ;) Mail me your number and I'll call you. :)
Elina:
Yes, please do. Maybe we can drag Ziad, Zarina and Mr and Mrs Josh, too! :)
oh..this is so sad... the sweet little girls and their wisdom so made me wanna cry... sometimes God works miracles upon us in the most mysterious ways... it was a good opportunity for u and Bo to get to talk about things in the open...the timing was just right wasn't it?
Thinktankgal:
Will call you Friday to confirm.
Marina:
Yes, the timing was just right. Indeed, God works in mysterious ways.
i know this Bo lah.. works in tm rite?
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