The Loneliest Aidilfitri

It's 26 minutes past the first day of Syawal.

And I feel absolutely nothing. No anticipation, no looking forward to the first day of Syawal.

It's as I suspected all along - this year will be the worst 1st of Syawal, I've ever experienced.


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I was at Mum and Ayah's grave this morning, with Kak and her daughter, Diana.

I read Surah Yaasin for both my late parents and while I was reading, I felt calm and controlled. I read the Yaasin with ease - 5 years of spending every Sunday at Ayah's grave, gave me a photographic familiarity with Surah Yaasin - I could read most parts with my eyes closed.

It wasn't until after I finished reciting the Yaasin and Al-Fatihah and I was laying the scented flowers and scented water on Mum's grave, that the heavy feeling hit me. Once again, she's not going to be with me, this Aidilfitri. And even though I've been repressing it, I've missed her terribly.

A few tears that I was holding back, streaked down my cheeks. Dammit - I shouldn't be crying. I'm the guy here. I felt a little embarrassed.

And this year, I'm not even celebrating Aidilfitri in our family home anymore. In fact, none of us siblings will. The family home has been sold off and for the first time ever, we find ourselves "homeless" in Aidilfitri - on top of being without parents.

Kak said to me "Raya is not fun anymore without her". I nodded in agreement.

Raya without Mum is really different. There was something special, that she added to the day.

I remember being woken up early in the morning for Aidilfitri prayers and the house is buzzing with activity. The usual delicious gourmet spread of nasi dagang, nasi impit, soto ayam, laksa kelantan, were on the dining table - waiting to be savoured. Rafeah Buang's classic raya tune would be playing at full volume in the background, while everyone in the house took their turns in using the bathrooms.

Every year (since I was 7), up till the year before she passed on, I would make it a point to get her to tie my samping for me, on Raya morning. It was my little way of "bermanja" with her - it gave her a good reason to pretend being upset - when I knew she relished the fact that I relied on her for this. It's like a part of me, that never grew up.

It helped that I was hopeless at it - it always looked nicer when she helped me tie my samping. She always knew how to tie it and make me look like a "pendekar". And every year, I would get her to advise me on the new baju Melayu for that year - what colour, what new style to apply (which was almost always her call), etc.

And then as the family tradition dictates, we'd go walking to the Regent's Ville mosque together - the males of the family looking dashing in their baju melayu.

And when we'd return from the mosque, the whole family (Bapak, Mum, siblings, nephews and nieces, grandchildren, etc.) would congregate in the family house for the "bermaaf-maafan" session and thereafter, gorge ourselves with the delicious Raya fare that Mum has prepared, with much love and dedication. No one stops eating until they fall asleep! :)

And Mum's jokes and blunt Kelantanese comments always kept the family, roaring in laughter.

Mum would look great in her new Raya dress and as the morning progresses to noon and the visitors start rolling in, she starts playing her role as the perfect hostess. Everyone would gush about how good the food is - and she would just joke about it, modestly. She and I are the same, in that way - we're never comfortable with compliments.

Raya was great with Mum in it. She was the magic in our Aidilfitri. And she turned the family home into a cosy palace every year, for her family and friends to enjoy.

And Raya's just not the same without her.

I love you, Mum. I didn't tell you enough times, when you were alive. And it is one of my biggest regrets.

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All my siblings are coping with the feeling of loss, in similar ways - they're all celebrating Aidilfitri with their spouses' families, outside of KL. I can't blame them, really. I'd probably do the same in their shoes.

And Bapak has remarried. From latest indications, his new wife does not welcome parts of his past life very much - which includes us from Mum's family. And to a certain extent, I guess I understand.

And single me? I'm spending my Raya this year in my own condo. Alone.

I don't even feel like celebrating, honestly. Festivities means nothing to those without family, family homes or kampungs. Am still making up my mind whether I should attend Aidilfitri prayers, tomorrow.

No great gourmet fare by Mum to savour, just some yummy "donated" cookies and chocolates by thoughtful friends (yes, Lita - that includes you :)). No new baju Melayu this year (or even last year) - it just doesn't feel the same doing a baju Melayu without Mum's input. No palatial family home this year to remind us of our history and heritage. No family members on the first 3 days of Raya. No wife. No kid. No girlfriend, even.

Just me. Alone. Good grief, Charlie Brown,....

Trying to keep myself distracted by planning a series of open houses to visit. I've got 3 on the first day alone (yes, Zarina - this does include yours). And hopefully, through all these open houses - I wouldn't notice so much, what's missing from this year's Aidilfitri.

Not that I believe that it would really work. But it beats sitting idle in my condo, mourning the things that I don't have. I refuse to sleep through, my situation. I want to live.

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But yes, folks - this is the worst Aidilfitri in my life. As I'm facing this, I'm beginning to realize why my mother was so concerned about me having someone "take care of me", after she passed on.

She wasn't talking about survival or being able to live alone. She was afraid that I would be alone, on days like these. And that it would take a little (or a lot) of life's sweetness from me. No man is an island. And even heaven does not compensate for a man being alone.

I understand, Mum. I understand now, why you feared for me, being alone.

But guess what, Mum? Yes, I will go through days like these. Yes, it does take away the sweetness of life, of festivities, of sharing, of family, of togetherness. No amount of money can buy love.

But days like these, will teach me to appreciate the days that I had, when you were around, Mum. And the days when I will have it again in future, hopefully, with a wife and children. Days like these, will make me stronger and take life less for granted.

Don't worry, Mum. One day, I will enjoy Aidilfitri again. Just like I did with you and our family. One day in the future.

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To all who are reading - it's not my intent to depress you on this wondrous day - but I hope in some way, what you read here will make you appreciate more the family and the home that you have, during Aidilfitri.

Because the truth is, we never really know what we've got, until it's gone. We borrow these moments and our loved ones from God - so please, make the best of it.

Me? I'm wishing for a better Aidilfitri next year. And a better life, too. Not alone. Letih hidup sebatang kara ni.

Selamat Hari Raya, folks - Maaf Zahir Batin. May the joy and blessings of Syawal be with you.


Salam Aidilfitri,
Stingray
(in his condo,...with cookies)