Of Norms and Prejudices

Do we inherit some of our norms and prejudices, without realizing it? Even when they have no proper justification?

This thought passed my mind recently, when I was in a Sunday karaoke session, with a close friend, a 32-year old girl and her 59-year old boyfriend.

Don't get me wrong - The Oldie was a specialist doctor, a nice guy and single and The Girl is well, unorthodox, but definitely, one of the most expressive and genuine people I've ever met. With her, what you see is what you get - she has no pretensions.

But subconsciously, I found myself being uncomfortable with their mutual smooching and open display of affection, in the karaoke room.

And it struck me that it wasn't actually the conduct that bothered me (I know a lot of couples, who are generally affectionate in public, some married, most not and I find it sweet) but subconsciously, it was because The Oldie was a Malay elder and there was huge age gap in between them.

And that's not fair. It's discrimination. It's prejudice. And worse, it's subconscious.

Do we sometimes, impose different standards on the old and the young, without realizing it? Do we expect our elders to act their age? And if so, what does acting their age mean?

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For the past few days, I've passed some questions around, just to double-check whether it's just something that I felt or whether, there's a general consensus to this double standard treatment of old people.

And I found out that it wasn't just me. It is an unspoken assumption, but one that was there, in all my friends. Some are evidently more prejudiced than me, on a subconscious level.

I breathed a sigh of relief (that if I was prejudiced, I was not alone) but yet, there was this nagging feeling at the back of my head - that even though there was a consensus of some sort - that it's neither justifiable or fair.


I'll give you some of the opinions cited in the last few days to me, by friends (who shall remain anonymous). If you fall under these brackets, you may be a victim of prejudice against old people and of them consorting with young female companions:

1) The reason why we are expected to give respect and deference to our elders, is because they are supposed to embody all the upright qualities that one would expect, in society. All old people should act in a proper way - otherwise, the "social contract" for the respect and deference by the young, is lost;


2) There is a difference in reaction between age groups with the same age gap. If a 25-year old girl was dating a 45-year old man, the natural (unspoken) assumption is that she's a gold digger and he's an "orang tua gatal tak sedar diri".

But if a 40-year old girl dates a 60-year old man,...well, good for her, because at that age, if she doesn't marry anyone, she'll probably never be married.


3) Young girls should not marry golden-agers because their residual life expectancy, is shorter. And they may be left widowed in a few years, with children to boot.

(Of course, forget the fact that large numbers of cancer or heart disease sufferers in this country, are below the age of 40 and more likely to die, due to high stress lifestyles)

However, some girls have mentioned that if the 60-something man looks like our Home Minister, Datuk Azmi Khalid,...then it's okay, because he's physically fit (reputedly swims 15 laps daily) and good-looking. And financially and status-wise, he's an absolute catch.

I see. So the problem is, if you're old AND ugly, and not rich...otherwise, no problem.

Alamak!

(Some of the girls also mentioned that if you want to smooch in public with a younger loved one, you better look AT LEAST, like Azmi Khalid. Kalau tidak, buruk mata memandang. So remember - if you must misbehave - please be good looking!)


4) The concept of son-in-law, implies that your daughter will be marrying someone that could be your child's age. Not your PEER or your SENIOR, in school.

Because having a son-in-law is figuratively adding a "son" to your family. But if she marries a golden-ager, you get a "brother" instead, albeit maybe an older one at that.

And it's embarrassing to have a son-in-law that's your age or older. Plus, he might die, before you -leaving your daughter single and alone again.


5) If you happen to marry your friend's daughter, it is a breach of trust and of a privileged position.

Because there is an implicit assumption that when you're a friend, my daughter is off-limits to you - regardless, of how pure the feelings or how chaste the relationship, may be.

However, if my daughter is a 30-something divorcee and with children, then it's okay, because you're saving her from a life of single mumhood. Or a 40-something spinster. Or just plain ugly.

So, the issue here, is (assumed) virginity (when the girl has never married) and looks (whether she's got any).


6) When parents advice their daughter on whom to marry, some of the usual criteria is: he's a good man and can lead you in a religious perspective, he's financially stable (or preferably, wealthy), he comes from a good and reputable family, he's easy on the eyes (preferably) and he's mature and he treats you and your family well.

And it's a bonus, if you're in love with him. Or those things could grow after marriage, so they assume.

But if all these qualities could be provided by a fighting fit 60-year old suitor to a 20-something girl, why do we still frown on it? And we prefer a younger man, that can fall short of the expected qualities?


7) Golden-agers should not hold hands with 20-somethings or early 30-somethings. But if they want to hold hands with someone their own age, that's okay.

(I see. So, it's not their age or the conduct, that you frown upon. It's the fact that they're creeping into your chick market).


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So, are you prejudiced, you think?

As for me, I hope I'm NOT single by the time I'm 60, because this society, is hard on old people. Otherwise, I better be like Azmi Khalid, at that age.

Heh!