Emotion Fasting
In the next few months until Hari Raya Aidilfitri or so, I'm going on an emotional fast.
I haven't had one of these in years, now. It's basically a time when I avoid any form of emotional entanglements, focus on my work, myself and some self-improvement and personality "makeover" (if not a physical or an activity-based one).
It's a time when I internalize and take time out to make personal quantum leaps in life - and change in unexpected directions, when I'm determined to do so. I'm a natural Scorpio - change is easy for us, once we set our minds to it and when we're determined to follow-through.
I'm looking forward to the quiet time and the lack of emotional complexity or of complicated and complicating people.
As I looked through some wedding photos on Friendster and reflected on how turbulent my emotional life has been since end-2004 - I know that I've been through a roller-coaster of emotions, which would have most people floored and devastated by now. But I'm still standing, still forgiving and still not bitter - at least, in most cases.
My self-esteem has taken somewhat of a battering and I wonder sometimes, whether I'm worth loving by the people I love - but I snap out of it quickly enough and count my blessings for close friends who are caring, respectful, constant, consistent and worth their weight in gold.
I may be awful in one aspect my emotional life - and I may always be awful in that area, if track record is anything to go by.
But in many other aspects - I'm living my life exactly the way I want to, right now - I'm living my dreams, my principles and I'm doing my part as a pro-active citizen- without wavering, without forced silence in fear, without losing my belief in ideals of constructive change, that must continue standing.
Yes, there is a small price for all this - I know that in many instances in my life, silence would have benefitted me greatly, from a financial perspective and my life would have been very different, now - but there are no regrets. This soul is not for sale.
I'm not exactly sure where it's leading to, just yet - but I have faith in destiny and that what you are saddled with, is no more than what you can bear. Wherever it leads to, I will do my best and I will want to have few regrets in life.
But yes, let the emotional fast begin. It's a time to internalize, to simplify, to look within and be stronger. If all good things come to those who wait - let it come at its own pace - I shall not wait in anticipation or hope, anymore. I shall just keep on improving.
There is a great life waiting to be lived, begging for my focus. I'm halfway through my life and I guess, I really want to find out where this leads to.
May the next few months be the most interesting ever, yet.
I haven't had one of these in years, now. It's basically a time when I avoid any form of emotional entanglements, focus on my work, myself and some self-improvement and personality "makeover" (if not a physical or an activity-based one).
It's a time when I internalize and take time out to make personal quantum leaps in life - and change in unexpected directions, when I'm determined to do so. I'm a natural Scorpio - change is easy for us, once we set our minds to it and when we're determined to follow-through.
I'm looking forward to the quiet time and the lack of emotional complexity or of complicated and complicating people.
As I looked through some wedding photos on Friendster and reflected on how turbulent my emotional life has been since end-2004 - I know that I've been through a roller-coaster of emotions, which would have most people floored and devastated by now. But I'm still standing, still forgiving and still not bitter - at least, in most cases.
My self-esteem has taken somewhat of a battering and I wonder sometimes, whether I'm worth loving by the people I love - but I snap out of it quickly enough and count my blessings for close friends who are caring, respectful, constant, consistent and worth their weight in gold.
I may be awful in one aspect my emotional life - and I may always be awful in that area, if track record is anything to go by.
But in many other aspects - I'm living my life exactly the way I want to, right now - I'm living my dreams, my principles and I'm doing my part as a pro-active citizen- without wavering, without forced silence in fear, without losing my belief in ideals of constructive change, that must continue standing.
Yes, there is a small price for all this - I know that in many instances in my life, silence would have benefitted me greatly, from a financial perspective and my life would have been very different, now - but there are no regrets. This soul is not for sale.
I'm not exactly sure where it's leading to, just yet - but I have faith in destiny and that what you are saddled with, is no more than what you can bear. Wherever it leads to, I will do my best and I will want to have few regrets in life.
But yes, let the emotional fast begin. It's a time to internalize, to simplify, to look within and be stronger. If all good things come to those who wait - let it come at its own pace - I shall not wait in anticipation or hope, anymore. I shall just keep on improving.
There is a great life waiting to be lived, begging for my focus. I'm halfway through my life and I guess, I really want to find out where this leads to.
May the next few months be the most interesting ever, yet.
posted by Stingrayz | 9:26 PM
10 Comments:
good luck.
:-)
I was sitting at the balcony late yesterday evening staring at the lake for hours, thinking wether I really need professional help with my emotions.
I suspect I am in need of one of these too, dear.
2 words. GOOD CALL.
freak & geek:
Thanks, dear. :)
Danyanova:
Maybe you should have one, dear. Sometimes - just sometimes - predictability and certainty is not a bad thing for people like us.
You're not the first one that the thought has come to - and you won't be the last.
And if things are getting a little much - it's not wrong to seek the help of others. No man (or woman) is an island.
We survive, if any, because of our emotional support ecosystem, in whichever form it comes in.
And you're still lucky, dear - I'd kill to have a balcony facing the lake, to mull things through. :)
The last time I did that was a Lake Pedu trip with the boys.
Anonymous:
One word: InsyaAllah.
i like the fact that you analyse oyur feelings, and take stock of the situation..not simply wallow abt it...good thnigs will come your way, i am sure!
(good to be back reading you!)
Ms. J:
Thanks, dear. :) Welcome back to the blog!
Actually, many good things have come my way.
I have good and loyal friends who have stood by me, through thick and thin.
I get paid for doing something I love doing.
I get a chance to be involved in things which are bigger and affect so many others, than just in my own tiny world.
I'm single and I'm my only liability. It's easy to speak out on things which are very wrong in this country - when your own ricebowl is the only one you're risking.
I have many things to be thankful for.
The heart may be empty for now - but I'm willing to bet that it's a future joy waiting to happen.
InsyaAllah.
p.s. Baby J seems to have taken after the good looks of his parents. :) And I'm so happy to see you being happy dear.
I pray that one day, I'll be able to experience the joy of parenthood like you're going through right now.
well said, insyaAllah.
(=
anyways, for a male species, i've to say that you write so well!
really connecting to your feminine side, huh?
good for you, man! ;)
i write gobbledygook!
owh, nice "knowing" you!
;)
Angelita Atractivo:
Welcome to the blog. And thanks for the compliment. :)
But a lot of men write well, dear. Just to name a few - Gibran, Hemingway, Rushdie, Coelho, Albom and Parsons.
They can't all be connecting to their feminine side. ;)
hey..
hope its not too late to wish u all the best in ur quest :)
take it from someone who's been there,it does help more than u realised.
i havent been checking in for quite sometime to ur blog but i do hope tht by u taking an emotion fast,ur not gonna stop blogging coz it wuld be such a waste :(
again,all the best
Aries 213:
Thanks for your kind wishes, dear. :)
Yes, the emotional fast helps - greatly.
The tendency is to keep me out of trouble and heartache - but life is always a double equation - sometimes, trouble comes looking for you, from a blindside that one cannot even begin to comprehend.
The last 1 month has been amazingly focused and fulfilling from a work/career perspective - but the emotional parts can still be unavoidably, a roller coaster.
Some things still hurt quietly or otherwise, but it's best to confront it - than to think that I have enough strength to compensate for all the people and things that fall short around me.
I'm slowly learning that it's beyond my capacity to make many things right, despite all good intentions.
And that I can't help it when some people have made up their minds about me - no amount of change or plea of forgiveness, is good enough to erase the hurt of the past.
But no - I'm not going to stop blogging - have no worries about that. :) And thank you for being a loyal reader, from time to time.
I still have many things to say and there's so many things running around in my mind, to share.
The only time that I will stop writing, is when I stop living.
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