Of Judging Books and Covers
Be it good or bad - I've hardly ever cared about how I appear to people.
Don't get me wrong - I'll be the first person to ask whether I've offended anyone and I willingly apologize when I think I'm wrong (and a great many times, even when I don't think I'm wrong - when it comes to the people I love) but I've never cared about how I physically appear to people.
And that's pretty strange considering I'm Kelantanese and it's in-built in Kelantanese men to be as shallow as the next man, if not more. Regardless of how much I try to convince other people and myself that I'm not that shallow - but the evidence would work against me, I think. People would think that I expect my partner to be attractive - and maybe they're right.
But the expectation does not extend to myself, somehow. I've never really bothered about keeping up appearances - of attractiveness, of wealth, or to evidence some form of stature, class or breeding.
Yes, I think that manners and humility are pre-requisites to show good breeding but everything else is a bogus indicator - money, big cars, qualifications, fashion, glamour, lineage, cultural snobbery, jingoistic behaviour, displays of overt religiosity or on the flipside, crass and hedonistic libertarianism, ala Western style.
I've always believed in keeping it real. I grew up rejecting Mum's materialistic fervour - we were not from a rich family, but we were far from poor - because I always felt that there was something unreal about the rich families that we hung around with (some of which were my aunties, uncles and cousins) - something pretentious and insecure and constantly asking for "more", in a material sense.
The extravagance seemed fake to me - I was surrounded by people who measured other people by how much money they had. I was repulsed by it - by how status was defined by what you have, instead of who you are.
People seemed to prefer the illusion of stature than the substance of class. People who seemed clever by their collection of academic and professional scrolls, but are short-sighted and almost always, emotionally or socially retarded. Or sometimes, just plain bad.
********************************
I grew up rejecting crass materialism and blind class-consciousness - because I thought it was fake. They didn't seem to have an identity - they were defined by anything and everything that money could buy.
Why should someone respect you just because you have more money? A bigger house? More posh cars than drivers, in the family? Isn't the real measure of wealth more of how a person utilizes that money to contribute and give to others? Isn't the measure of class, how you treat other people - how polite you are? How humble you are? How intelligent or wise you are?
There are loads of people out there living beyond their means on a credit binge - they've got more clothes and cars, than money and they're crippled by debt overhangs. But many people would see the manifestation of wealth - and think they're rich.
(I should know - my brother's exactly like that. Lebih baju dari badan - and most of the time, the extra cloth will come at someone else's expense)
It never made any sense to me - although I see droves of people who live their lives by ostentation and a material yardstick. So, I rejected it.
Of course, one has to be true to oneself. That's the easy part. The hard part about being true to oneself is when the principles you live by, are not understood by others. And it affects how they treat and perceive you.
I used to think that it didn't matter. If people judge a book purely by its cover - then they're not very intelligent people and there's nothing to lose by not keeping their company.
**********************
But maybe it does matter.
Maybe you can't entirely reject the values revered by your society - simply because they have no other lenses, to look at it from. Just because I decided to be different - doesn't mean that they will understand - or accept it.
No man is an island. All our actions and consequences are inter-related.
I've always been an avid observer and thinker of cause and consequence - constantly trying to understand why people (or society for that matter) are, the way they are.
Everyone is a product of inter-relationships - with family and loved ones, with friends, colleagues, etc - and the experiences that have arisen from them. The only thing that differentiates us, is how we let events (or the people) that happen to us, shape our lives, perceptions and outlook.
And recently, I found out that sometimes, things that we don't care about - may actually come back and haunt us.
For one, I've never cared whether I appeared to have money, to other people. It's a personal matter and none of their business.
Even if I out-earned them, or if I had more savings and investments than them, I had more assets and less debts than they do and even times of big fat salaries or bonuses - I have never let it shape, how I appear to other people.
And where I can financially help, I have helped - to both the deserving, the undeserving and the ingrates.
But I want people to like me for what's inside - for the person that I am, for my interests and passions, for my humour and laughter, for how I treat other people, for the advice and counsel I give them, for the non-judgemental listener when they're in a bad spot and for the times that I've been there, when it counts.
These are the things that matter to me. Not for what I wear, what car I drive, how big my house is, how big a corporate my employers are or how many overseas holidays I take a year. What's that got to do with anything?
But I forgot one thing - you don't change the yardstick of the world, just by rejecting it.
Regardless of how you feel about it - people will still judge you by the yardstick which they've always measured everything.
And your rejection of those values - the only perception that it serves to create, is the wrong one. By totally rejecting those values - you put yourself at a handicap, in the eyes of the world. Sometimes, it's more rational to the world to be financially irrational or to just stick to society's norms. Risk being the exception - and in their eyes, you're either a fool or a charlatan.
If you're financially prudent and you time your major purchases to get the best value possible - they think you're poor.
If you give up a high paying job on principles - you can only be stupid, because the alternative is unthinkable to them.
If you're not showy and you don't stay in a posh office because you believe that it's best to be prudent with your organization's monies - they think you're poor. Or worse, a con man, perhaps hiding in some shady corner of officedom.
If you work from a home office, they think you're a bum - despite the fact that work deadlines are being met, projects are running, tangible results are produced and money's being made for the organization.
If you prefer to work for an NGO and have rejected a five-figure salary job 3 times, because you value being effective and not just being a cog in the wheel - you're either a liar or stupid, or both.
If you don't drive and you take public transport - they think you're poor.
If you have 2 condos and don't drive - they think you're either poor, a liar or must be leeching off a rich family or someone else. Forget economic cycles, easy loans and financial management - it's easier to believe the worst, of someone - rather than find a rational explanation.
If you don't dress well, you don't eat at posh places to be seen, you like your T-shirts and slippers and your home doesn't look like an interior designer has been in it - you must be poor.
These are facts, folks - the cover is a very important of the book.
It's the first thing that catches their eye - and without further perusal - it is the only thing that plays on the emotions, persuading purchase.
And if you choose to have a cover that's not mainstream and is rarely understood or accepted - you will pay the price, ultimately.
Most people will never look beyond the cover of the book, to see what's inside. They've judged you from your appearance and that's all they need to know. They've made up their minds about you.
If you choose to be different - prepare to be left a lonely dusty book on the bookshelf of life. And you have no one else to blame, but yourself - because no matter how you explain it, the world will never see it from your perspective.
They don't know how to.
So, stop arguing with the world and sell out on your freaky individualistic tendencies.
If it takes a BMW to get some decent respect out here, then please go get one - even if you can't really afford one (hell, some of my friends do it!).
And never let an idealistic fool like me, convince you otherwise. Forget the book - the people of today buy covers. You're better off just being a glossy magazine.
Don't get me wrong - I'll be the first person to ask whether I've offended anyone and I willingly apologize when I think I'm wrong (and a great many times, even when I don't think I'm wrong - when it comes to the people I love) but I've never cared about how I physically appear to people.
And that's pretty strange considering I'm Kelantanese and it's in-built in Kelantanese men to be as shallow as the next man, if not more. Regardless of how much I try to convince other people and myself that I'm not that shallow - but the evidence would work against me, I think. People would think that I expect my partner to be attractive - and maybe they're right.
But the expectation does not extend to myself, somehow. I've never really bothered about keeping up appearances - of attractiveness, of wealth, or to evidence some form of stature, class or breeding.
Yes, I think that manners and humility are pre-requisites to show good breeding but everything else is a bogus indicator - money, big cars, qualifications, fashion, glamour, lineage, cultural snobbery, jingoistic behaviour, displays of overt religiosity or on the flipside, crass and hedonistic libertarianism, ala Western style.
I've always believed in keeping it real. I grew up rejecting Mum's materialistic fervour - we were not from a rich family, but we were far from poor - because I always felt that there was something unreal about the rich families that we hung around with (some of which were my aunties, uncles and cousins) - something pretentious and insecure and constantly asking for "more", in a material sense.
The extravagance seemed fake to me - I was surrounded by people who measured other people by how much money they had. I was repulsed by it - by how status was defined by what you have, instead of who you are.
People seemed to prefer the illusion of stature than the substance of class. People who seemed clever by their collection of academic and professional scrolls, but are short-sighted and almost always, emotionally or socially retarded. Or sometimes, just plain bad.
********************************
I grew up rejecting crass materialism and blind class-consciousness - because I thought it was fake. They didn't seem to have an identity - they were defined by anything and everything that money could buy.
Why should someone respect you just because you have more money? A bigger house? More posh cars than drivers, in the family? Isn't the real measure of wealth more of how a person utilizes that money to contribute and give to others? Isn't the measure of class, how you treat other people - how polite you are? How humble you are? How intelligent or wise you are?
There are loads of people out there living beyond their means on a credit binge - they've got more clothes and cars, than money and they're crippled by debt overhangs. But many people would see the manifestation of wealth - and think they're rich.
(I should know - my brother's exactly like that. Lebih baju dari badan - and most of the time, the extra cloth will come at someone else's expense)
It never made any sense to me - although I see droves of people who live their lives by ostentation and a material yardstick. So, I rejected it.
Of course, one has to be true to oneself. That's the easy part. The hard part about being true to oneself is when the principles you live by, are not understood by others. And it affects how they treat and perceive you.
I used to think that it didn't matter. If people judge a book purely by its cover - then they're not very intelligent people and there's nothing to lose by not keeping their company.
**********************
But maybe it does matter.
Maybe you can't entirely reject the values revered by your society - simply because they have no other lenses, to look at it from. Just because I decided to be different - doesn't mean that they will understand - or accept it.
No man is an island. All our actions and consequences are inter-related.
I've always been an avid observer and thinker of cause and consequence - constantly trying to understand why people (or society for that matter) are, the way they are.
Everyone is a product of inter-relationships - with family and loved ones, with friends, colleagues, etc - and the experiences that have arisen from them. The only thing that differentiates us, is how we let events (or the people) that happen to us, shape our lives, perceptions and outlook.
And recently, I found out that sometimes, things that we don't care about - may actually come back and haunt us.
For one, I've never cared whether I appeared to have money, to other people. It's a personal matter and none of their business.
Even if I out-earned them, or if I had more savings and investments than them, I had more assets and less debts than they do and even times of big fat salaries or bonuses - I have never let it shape, how I appear to other people.
And where I can financially help, I have helped - to both the deserving, the undeserving and the ingrates.
But I want people to like me for what's inside - for the person that I am, for my interests and passions, for my humour and laughter, for how I treat other people, for the advice and counsel I give them, for the non-judgemental listener when they're in a bad spot and for the times that I've been there, when it counts.
These are the things that matter to me. Not for what I wear, what car I drive, how big my house is, how big a corporate my employers are or how many overseas holidays I take a year. What's that got to do with anything?
But I forgot one thing - you don't change the yardstick of the world, just by rejecting it.
Regardless of how you feel about it - people will still judge you by the yardstick which they've always measured everything.
And your rejection of those values - the only perception that it serves to create, is the wrong one. By totally rejecting those values - you put yourself at a handicap, in the eyes of the world. Sometimes, it's more rational to the world to be financially irrational or to just stick to society's norms. Risk being the exception - and in their eyes, you're either a fool or a charlatan.
If you're financially prudent and you time your major purchases to get the best value possible - they think you're poor.
If you give up a high paying job on principles - you can only be stupid, because the alternative is unthinkable to them.
If you're not showy and you don't stay in a posh office because you believe that it's best to be prudent with your organization's monies - they think you're poor. Or worse, a con man, perhaps hiding in some shady corner of officedom.
If you work from a home office, they think you're a bum - despite the fact that work deadlines are being met, projects are running, tangible results are produced and money's being made for the organization.
If you prefer to work for an NGO and have rejected a five-figure salary job 3 times, because you value being effective and not just being a cog in the wheel - you're either a liar or stupid, or both.
If you don't drive and you take public transport - they think you're poor.
If you have 2 condos and don't drive - they think you're either poor, a liar or must be leeching off a rich family or someone else. Forget economic cycles, easy loans and financial management - it's easier to believe the worst, of someone - rather than find a rational explanation.
If you don't dress well, you don't eat at posh places to be seen, you like your T-shirts and slippers and your home doesn't look like an interior designer has been in it - you must be poor.
These are facts, folks - the cover is a very important of the book.
It's the first thing that catches their eye - and without further perusal - it is the only thing that plays on the emotions, persuading purchase.
And if you choose to have a cover that's not mainstream and is rarely understood or accepted - you will pay the price, ultimately.
Most people will never look beyond the cover of the book, to see what's inside. They've judged you from your appearance and that's all they need to know. They've made up their minds about you.
If you choose to be different - prepare to be left a lonely dusty book on the bookshelf of life. And you have no one else to blame, but yourself - because no matter how you explain it, the world will never see it from your perspective.
They don't know how to.
So, stop arguing with the world and sell out on your freaky individualistic tendencies.
If it takes a BMW to get some decent respect out here, then please go get one - even if you can't really afford one (hell, some of my friends do it!).
And never let an idealistic fool like me, convince you otherwise. Forget the book - the people of today buy covers. You're better off just being a glossy magazine.
posted by Stingrayz | 4:49 AM
23 Comments:
its related to Pareto's 80 20 rule, if your a 20 percentile in a 80 percentile community you can choose to
i) stand your ground and be proud of it
ii) When the time comes to please the 80 percentile smartly disguise yourself into it ..
The world is like that and we have to live in it have not us?
:)
its related to Pareto's 80 20 rule, if your a 20 percentile in a 80 percentile community you can choose to
i) stand your ground and be proud of it
ii) When the time comes to please the 80 percentile smartly disguise yourself into it ..
The world is like that and we have to live in it have not us?
:)
Rizal Alwani:
Maybe you're right, bro' - but neither choices would make you (or at least me) happy with yourself.
Suffer or sell-out are hardly appealing choices - especially when the alternative is doing irrational things, that look good to people but does not make substantive sense.
And regardless of 80's and 20's - shouldn't how we live in the world be dictated by reason, as opposed to majority obsession and dementia?
I don't know anymore, bro' - maybe I'm the crazy one, here - for not adapting or accepting.
If it's the approval of these superficial lots that a person seeks, then this person will have to live with the reality of superficial relationships
The world can't go on being the way it is. There are so many drawbacks to 'buying the cover' - you end up getting a bad product, and one you might have to end up paying for the rest of your life.
On a side note, my brother, who buys RM29.90 pants at Jusco and carries around large sums of cash in brown paper bags, is debt free, has investments and has owns 2 cars (owns = the bank doesn't own it), one of which he plans to rent out for extra cash. I see the pressure he's under, relatives make fun of his free polo Ts (the kind vendors give you) and the fact that he's more comfortable in selipar jepun than leather shoes, that he goes to work without a tie (tak 'smart' la konon).
It's a lot of pressure being different, but I guess in this case, it's worth it.
It was not up until I've finished reading your latest posting that I manage to stop being sad about our break-up.
Now I realize just how self-absorbed and narrow-minded you are. What you wrote certainly does not represent the believes and expectations of the "majority", far from it in fact. Rather, you are merely trapped in the exceptional arrogance of your own thoughts.
I am not angry with you anymore, instead I take pity on you Stingrayz, for many more than just one reason.
Good luck.
Just to add, there's a great deal that we all can learn from my brother, and from you.
in the words of the wise Commander of the Battlestar Galactica
"Sooner or later, the day comes when you can't hide from the things you've done anymore"
Najah:
Thanks for sharing that, dear sister.
Fera:
You're entitled to your own (publicly announced) opinion, my dear.
Frankly, if I'm narrow-minded, I'm quite sure I don't have the monopoly on it.
Some make a habit of looking in the mirror - and some don't. Such is life.
I accept your pity and I shall give none in return.
All that has happened - I accept it as part of God's will.
Good luck to you too, love.
Ervan:
In the words of Jean Luc Picard: "The line has to be drawn here".
Milo:
Thanks for that. It's still one of my favourite movies. And the lesson still remains relevant.
Milo:
Sorry, had to delete your You Tube link, for purposes of preserving harmony. :)
it's the culture that we're brought up in this country. the community/people in this country tend to judge others by it's cover which i think it's rather silly and superficial.
people judge you by the car you drive or chauffeur driven, the handbags/shoes you wear, the blings on your fingers, the branded shirt/clothes or if you send your children to a private school etc. *sigh*
that's why sometimes my partner and I are happy the way we are being under the radar. there's no need to show others what we have. as long as we're happy with how we are. i love being on stealth/under the radar mode. no one knows who we are even though in reality i am married to someone in a corporate world.
at the end of the day, we look for stability in life and a good marriage. everything we do in this world is ONLY for Allah and afterlife. nothing else matter.
Ray dear,
Most of the readers of your blog know you personally and can also vouch for your credibility whether with regards to your principles, personal life or professional life.
Just know that we stand by you as always!
Applesunshine:
Kudos to you and your hubby. You guys are truly blessed. I'm envious, really.
And yes, at the end of the day - that's all I want too - to be stable and to have a happy marriage.
InsyaAllah, if it's meant to be my fate.
But if it's not, I better prepare my alternative second track then - how to enjoy my life despite being single and alone, without a family.
Tough for someone like me - who has been hankering for marriage and family all his life - but it's not impossible.
I must live the life that I'm blessed with today - and not keep waiting for the life I want to live tomorrow.
For I'm wasting what remains of my youth and life - living in search, in hope and regularly shattered by disappointments.
Xena:
Thanks, dear. I know and I appreciate that.
I hope I never come to the day when I have to count on 3rd party testimonials of close friends - for people to know that I'm okay, a good person and not a "fly-by-night" bum.
But maybe I should save myself the trouble of explaining to the rest of the world - and just get a new BMW to do the talking, yes?
Hopefully not.
Sting: You don't want a BMW. It's overrated. Get that Lexus your friend in SG drives... I hear it's a chick magnet.. heheh!
Najah:
Didn't you tell me a long time ago that the most suitable car for me is a Proton Perdana? ;)
Babu:
Thanks for your opinion.
I'm sorry I had to delete your comments - but I think that you (and everyone else, for that matter) should let sleeping dogs lie and not provoke the matter any further.
What's over is over and has happened for the best - and please do not pass judgement over personal issues (and people) you know nothing about. It's unwise and unfair.
I hope everyone shall respect that this personal matter is closed.
I have no desire for baseless speculations and personal insults to continue, on this personal matter.
I mean it, Babu. Stay out of this.
Thanks!
I'm surprised that you said most people view Kelantanese men as shallow. I've never heard of it before and I've never experience it as well, and I've lived and grew up with them all my life :)
Personally though, I think Kelantanese men are more handsome than most, with the exception of one wonderful non-kelantanese guy that I'm in love with right now hehe
It pains to see 2 ppl who seems to be so loving before being hurtful to one another now. I had hoped that you had finally reached the end of the journey for love. But maybe there are still hidden lessons that are to be acquired in search of that special diamond made just for u. :)
Be strong and keep the faith. And don't lose sight of the main purpose why we are here in this world.
hmm.. you know I am one of those people who does judge people by the way day look. If one of my staffs come in the office without a tie, I will tegur. Because he will be representing our team and me when he serves clients. Looking good or at least the effort to look good says a lot about a person. But that is my personal opinion. There is absolutely nothing wrong with this or with you who seems to think that looking good is of not much importance. My point is, we all have different values in life and must learn to respect each others.
-greyster
Hunny:
Well, I've experienced it otherwise - almost everyone I meet, tends to think that Kelantanese men go for looks above all else.
I think it's just a skewed perception on their side, really. I mean - who doesn't like pretty things? (Note: I'm not calling a woman a "thing" here - it's just a figure of speech)
Thanks for the advice. I appreciate it.
Greyster:
I agree with your point about respect on differences of values.
(Although not everything is as clear cut as work dress protocol - no arguments there - if the workplace requires you to wear a tie - you should. I did that too for close to 4 years of my life, before I became my own boss)
We're all different - live and let live. And we are free to choose, what we want.
Babu:
Thanks for your message, your intent and your viewpoints.
I accept it in general, as your opinion.
But in specific, your assessment of the situation is way off base - so, let's leave it at that.
Thanks, bro'.
if a person is secured enough in what she/he brings to the table, there is no excessive need for she/he to impress other people with mere things, however showy he/she thinks she wants to appear would be enough.
impressing other people, measuring up to how other wants you to be is not the way to go, which is what these excessive observance and obsession with things are in the first place. not environmentally friendly either :)) how far are you willing to go, to compete?
people should really start looking inward instead of outward for validation.
having said taht, being in a relationship sometimes means letting go of something you hold dear for the sake of someone else's state of mind. at the end of the day, it boils down to if it is more important for you to hang on to this idea or is it more important for the other side to have you fulfilling these requirements (petty maybe, but requirement all the same).
i have to say, it sucks living up to other people's standards, really. tiring as hell :)) perhaps this is just another lesson to be learnt. not an easy one to swallow, but nothing worthy is.
dont let them dictate you. no matter how different, dance to your own tune. strange birds always have more fun.
intheocean:
Good point on strange birds - I wholly agree.
Only sometimes, I question whether the price of being a strange bird, is worth paying.
But yes, it can be tiring living up to other people's standards - especially when it's family. I think I've felt that, all my life.
Not an easy place to be for strange birds with unorthodox choices in life - in a neighbourhood where people where people are extremely conventional middle-class, with predictable tracks, patterns and choices.
But yes, I totally agree that people should dance to our own tune - and any adaptations willingly made, should still keep the tune in harmony.
whether the price is too high to keep strange, the question doesnt really come up, does it? :))
it is not by choice that people turn into strange birds, you are just wired that way.
one surprising thing i have learnt from experience (with the fam, yes! ha ha) is that we sometimes have this idea in our head on what other people expect of us. once you decide to just be, and explain/show to them that you are just going to be and not do this monkey dance anymore, they tend to accept it quite easily...barring some "witty" remarks and the more shallow of them, that is :)) but as you put it, such is life.
anyhow, take your time getting over events. contemplate life - it produces good blogging :)) i have always liked my melancholic period as much as my more happy time. it is time like this that brings the real person out, isnt it?
:)
intheocean:
Indeed.
It's thought-provoking what you said - that strange birds are just wired that way.
But I think the choice part comes in when you may encounter something that's worth changing for - so, you contemplate conforming and disposing some not-so-major parts of your personality for it.
That is a choice made - or not made.
But yes, will take time. Perhaps, another emotional fasting session is at hand (and this time, it'll come along with the real Ramadhan fasting next month) ;)
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