Sunsets of August

I am by no means, superstitious - but August is usually a month of emotional misfortune for me.

So much so, that I begin to expect something to happen, each time August is here - it's like an August emotional "sunset".

I lost both my parents in the month of August, though 19 years apart - but the date of their funerals are only 3 days apart - one on the 21st and the other on the 24th.

I separated from my ex-wife in August, of a few years ago. I lost my first-ever serious relationship of 7 years, in August too, many, many years ago.

The Program was informally taken over by The Company in August of a few years ago, too.

And by the way things look right now - the August emotional "sunset" is about to repeat itself again.

If I wasn't so used to it by now, the regularity would be disturbing.

But this time, it came with a few more signs - it was foreseeable that things could end with a heartbreak - maybe on both sides.

I even had a dream about it - that I lost both my front teeth (which is usually a dream, warning me about impending death of a close one - an ability I've had since I was a young child, before my father passed away) and when I turned the tooth over to the other side - there was a heart beating there.

I took it as a premonition of the death of a relationship. Maybe it's not fated yet, I told myself - sometimes, men are given premonitions in order to change the outcome of what could come.

But by now, I should know better. The dreams are never wrong.

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At my age (and with the wealth of experience, I've had in relationships) - post-mortems are a little passe.

It's like revisiting an old playground, trying to find something new, each time - sooner or later, you find that there's nothing new to discover anymore. All playgrounds are somewhat similar in layout and playground toys.

After a while, it becomes all too familiar - you spot a pattern from a far away - sometimes, you don't even have to be looking in the playground anymore, to understand what has happened.

When a kid injures himself in a playground, it's always for the same reasons - they only hurt themselves when they choose to ignore age-old advice on being careful and learning the proper way to climb onto a see-saw or a swing or a slide. There's a natural order that must flow and be understood so that kids don't injure themselves, or other kids, for that matter.

It's when kids ignore these rules - and think themselves superhuman beyond the reach of playground rules and being hurt - that a fall usually happens. And a great big mighty injury, too. A deep wound or gash - perhaps, even resulting in a lasting scar.

And if one day, the kid learns the correct way to be in a playground - he may actually have fun without hurting himself. He must accept that he is not superhuman - his reach is finite, his enthusiasm blinding, his patience, not as unlimited as he thinks.

Otherwise, he will hurt himself. Again and again and again.

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The thing about making (many) mistakes in one's life on a regular basis and learning from them - is that it teaches you to recognize what mistakes look and feel like.

As the mind tries to isolate each new situation to be fair to new people and situations, the heart and the hurt it feels, never lies and never forgets. You never forget how people made you feel. And from it, you learn to recognize general patterns of human behaviour and reactions - by trial and error.

It's important that we learn from past mistakes - to avoid future ones. Yes, our fate is partly in our hands, due to the persuasion of effort - but do recognize what it takes for something to work and whether the correct pre-conditions are there.

Some things fit. Some things don't - and some things will always refuse to fit and remain rigid and non-adaptive, stuck in a worldview that only invites conceit, selfishness and misery.

And over time, due to self-knowledge and awareness - and the understanding and empathy of many other types of human behaviours - you will instinctively know what works, what doesn't and what it takes to make something difficult work.

You understand more and you blame (yourself and others) less - it's not about finger-pointing and winning arguments - it's about thinking as "we" instead of just "me".

Call it survival instincts - you may, in spirit, be willing to traverse through all these mighty challenges and obstacles in your way- but your heart and mind, has conspiratorially decided that it's not willing to take the battle scars, anymore.

And there comes a certain point - when you have to let go - because the situation warrants it and it is beyond your reach.

As you get older and as your lifespan gets shorter - the ability to give up on the wrong path, is just as important, as the ability to persevere on the right one.

Learn it well - for it may save you much grief, in what remains of your life.

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August - your sunset is upon me now, again. I am learning your bitter lesson and I shall survive this severely traumatic episode - tired, but hopefully, not broken.

And God - it is Your infinite wisdom that I always look to, for the greater purpose and understanding, of all the sunsets that happen. I don't yet know why - but I have faith, that You know what's best for me.

Meanwhile, God - give me strength and patience for all the uncertain days ahead. And I plead to You for pockets of blessings and happiness, in the journey ahead - until I'm at the place where I'm meant to be.

InsyaAllah.