What I Want in a Marriage

This question was pondered by someone very dear to me, in the last few days.

It must have been quite a difficult exercise for her - she's always taken it for granted, that she will marry the person she's with. There was really no need to ask the reason why - until one is unsure of one's commitment. That's when the question needs to be asked.

I don't know what she wants, but it set me thinking that to help her out, I should set out some of the things that would be important to me, in a marriage. It's not a program, it's wish list of the ingredients of the ideal marriage to me.

What would I like a good marriage and family to be (a wish list in an ideal scenario)? Some random thoughts:-

Love. Lots of it. Affection displayed in many different big and small, thoughtful ways. Touch is essential and we must enjoy the simple things like a good cuddle together, on a lazy Sunday afternoon. And a simple, yet strong attraction to one another, that defies explanation. Loving each other, for just the person that we are.

An awareness that the only way romance will continue, is to keep working at it and to make it a way of life. And lots and lots of flirting, with one another;

Humour. The constant ability to laugh at ourselves (and perhaps, everybody else). The space to be child-like and to "bermanja", which should strengthen our ties. The ability to tolerate Yusof Haslam movies and Sembilu 19 when we're old;

Supportive and Complementary. To help each other grow, in both our lives and our careers. Understanding that we are two separate people with our own respective roles and destinies, in our business, industry and society. Yet, our most important obligation, is to one another and our children.

We should be 2 people with differing kinds of abilities, where our strengths and weaknesses complement each other. And I want someone who won't give up on me - I can be slow on the pick-up, especially when it relates to housework. But I can be "incentivised".

Conservative yet Liberal. A life that is family-centric, principle-centered and religious conscious. A life that is rooted in Malay culture and norms. Yet with modern liberal values. Where we observe the pillars of our religion (like prayers, fasting, zakat, etc), but yet, we're not averse to the occasional good clean fun clubbing or salsa in town, without alcohol or smoking, of course. Or the occasional sun-tanning in Phuket or Maldives;

Communicative and Flexible. To let each other know what we're going through. To really listen and understand your partner and her needs. To talk, to debate and sometimes, perhaps, to argue, but never forgetting the main point - that we're communicating to make things better. And to be flexible enough to change what needs to be changed, or to leave things be, when it doesn't.

A Love for Children and Cats. What I envision: 2 lovely daughters, that look like their mother. Occasionally, will speak French with their mother, when they're trying to keep secrets from me.

Cats and kittens - a must-have - no house is complete without cats. No house.

Storybook reading before bed-time, bouts of chocolate smuggling into the bedroom without their mother's knowledge, helping them sneak out the recently fried ikan goreng for the cats, a chance for Papa to be the hero and their Mum, the strict disciplinarian and villain. (Occasionally, she will feel that she has 3 children, instead of 2 - Papa dearest included ;))

Lots of family photos and videos together - of the children growing and Papa and Mum growing with them. A deep love that will grow even stronger, with and because of the children.

A common outlook for raising and educating children. To instill in them good religious basics, as a foundation. That education is far wider than just having straight A's - it's a sense of constant curiousity and a search for answers. To celebrate every little achievement they have and to encourage them in the things they're passionate about.

To raise them as Malay Muslims, to understand and appreciate Malaysian tradition and heritage, but be a Bangsa Malaysia and global citizen at heart, with a progressive outlook and aware of the need to compete and survive in this new world. A balanced outlook - jemaah prayers at home once in a while with family, but we're not averse to them going for the occasional concert, in their late-teens. (And maybe, I get to scare the wits out of their boyfriends, as well! :))


Conversation. Lots of it, whenever we can. About anything, nothing is too trivial. But it deepens our understanding of each other. Of each other's needs, quirks, idiosynscracies, flaws (and there will be many on my side, like having to be reminded to take out the trash) or just each other's friends and family.

Financially comfortable, yet prudent. Ukur baju di badan sendiri. A family where we're financially more than comfortable, but without being lavish, nor feel the need to keep up with the Junids' (Malaysian version of the Joneses').

And to teach the children too - that a person's worth is not measured, by the number of luxury cars they have - but what they have contributed to society. Enough money for everything we need and the occasional overseas holidays bi-annually. Paris, anyone? :)

Good sex, if not great sex. Speaks for itself. They say,it tends to prolong life. Haha!

I think that's about it. Yes, I know what I want.


Yes, it is somewhat of an idealized list (that's why it's called a wish list), but these are things I want to work on, to realize it. I do believe it's possible, especially with the right partner, who shares a common outlook and wants to work towards the same thing in a marriage.

I've waited a long time, God. Hope you grant me my wish, in my sembahyang hajat. For you are the All-Merciful.