Selling Dreams
Today, the truth came - communicated via SMS, no less. She has made up her mind on the man that she'll be with, again - and for the 3rd time consecutively, (after 2 spectacular U-turns, each time intensifying in strength and magnitude) it's NOT me again.
Well, at least, she's consistent.
She said I was a "mere infatuation" and that "she'll never trust her heart again". Amazing,... how deliberately cavalier we are, with the lives and hearts of others.
She admitted that she lacked the courage to take the leap out from her current relationship, into one with me. Well, at least, she had the courage to admit that, if not anything else. Though it's a small consolation.
It's been a difficult day. I was literally in tears when I received the SMS (right before I met one of the kitchen renovators) - it hurt more than I thought it would, even though I was prepared for it. But there were many things to be done today, involving renovation of my new condo - and I forced myself to focus.
Xena was a pillar of strength today. She took the day off just to help me out with my renovation shopping. We did that for the good part of the afternoon and caught "Be Cool" at the cinema at 6+.
We had dinner and coffee after that and now, I'm finally home. After the dinner, Xena, noticing that I was lengthening our time out, said to me, "You have to go home sometime, you know." She noticed that I was dreading from going home and being alone. All the memories will flood back to me, when I'm at home.
Yes, she was right - I had to go home, sometime. There's only up to a certain point that you can distract and exhaust yourself. Eventually, you will have to deal with the hurt.
How am I? My faith in my judgment of people, is badly shaken. My faith in other people, is substantially weakened - in their ability to change and overcome their own fears and circumstances. The truth is, some people never change and will never overcome. It occurred to me that some people will never truly realize their potential in life, simply because they've grown addicted to security and predictability.
My heart is hurting and numb, all at once. How do people find it in their hearts, to play with the feelings of others, like this?
Xena and I did a post-mortem over lunch. Our conclusion was that I had to stop having the "saviour complex" and stop entangling myself with women who were emotionally needy and unstable. Admittedly, their neediness made me feel wanted. Or they've had some traumatic or perspective-shaping personal, relationship or family experience that has traumatized them and coloured their perception in life.
And coming from a background like that, I understood the need to be loved. Only people who are starved of affection, will understand another in the same circumstance. I was very much a giving person, because I understood what it's like to long for and to need affection.
Perhaps, that's why she stayed. She needed to feel loved and I gave her that. And I was in love with her.
But unmistakably, there is a profile there - of the sort of women I've always chased and fell in love with, be it in the past, or today. They were all problematic and I became their self-appointed saviour. To rescue the damsel in distress - from their past and themselves.
And the conclusions too, have been consistently the same - it is the "saviour" that will need the emotional rescuing, soon enough.
I can't change the way people are. But I can minimize my chances of being hurt in the future and not feeling so much, like a manipulated, emotional fool. I can choose not to set myself up for disappointment. I want to learn from this episode, so that I will not repeat it, in future.
But meanwhile, I have to grieve and let the healing take its course. Am so tired of being played out - and having faith in others, more than I really should. Maybe it's time to be alone, for a few years. And focus on other parts of my life, which is not so littered with a string of failures and heartbreaks.
When I passed by Fandango's at Sri Hartamas just now, there was this familiar song that was playing - I think it's called "Jesse", if I'm not wrong. Part of the lyrics that was being sung, I could relate to and it tugged at my heartstrings.
"Jesse, paint a picture,
of how it's gonna be,
By now, I should know better,
your dreams are never free,...
Tell me all about our little trailer
by the sea,
Jesse, you could always sell any dream to me,
Jesse, you could always sell any dream to me,...."
It's going to be a long night ahead, being awake. But I've got chocolates with me, as company. Let the slow path to healing begin.
Well, at least, she's consistent.
She said I was a "mere infatuation" and that "she'll never trust her heart again". Amazing,... how deliberately cavalier we are, with the lives and hearts of others.
She admitted that she lacked the courage to take the leap out from her current relationship, into one with me. Well, at least, she had the courage to admit that, if not anything else. Though it's a small consolation.
It's been a difficult day. I was literally in tears when I received the SMS (right before I met one of the kitchen renovators) - it hurt more than I thought it would, even though I was prepared for it. But there were many things to be done today, involving renovation of my new condo - and I forced myself to focus.
Xena was a pillar of strength today. She took the day off just to help me out with my renovation shopping. We did that for the good part of the afternoon and caught "Be Cool" at the cinema at 6+.
We had dinner and coffee after that and now, I'm finally home. After the dinner, Xena, noticing that I was lengthening our time out, said to me, "You have to go home sometime, you know." She noticed that I was dreading from going home and being alone. All the memories will flood back to me, when I'm at home.
Yes, she was right - I had to go home, sometime. There's only up to a certain point that you can distract and exhaust yourself. Eventually, you will have to deal with the hurt.
How am I? My faith in my judgment of people, is badly shaken. My faith in other people, is substantially weakened - in their ability to change and overcome their own fears and circumstances. The truth is, some people never change and will never overcome. It occurred to me that some people will never truly realize their potential in life, simply because they've grown addicted to security and predictability.
My heart is hurting and numb, all at once. How do people find it in their hearts, to play with the feelings of others, like this?
Xena and I did a post-mortem over lunch. Our conclusion was that I had to stop having the "saviour complex" and stop entangling myself with women who were emotionally needy and unstable. Admittedly, their neediness made me feel wanted. Or they've had some traumatic or perspective-shaping personal, relationship or family experience that has traumatized them and coloured their perception in life.
And coming from a background like that, I understood the need to be loved. Only people who are starved of affection, will understand another in the same circumstance. I was very much a giving person, because I understood what it's like to long for and to need affection.
Perhaps, that's why she stayed. She needed to feel loved and I gave her that. And I was in love with her.
But unmistakably, there is a profile there - of the sort of women I've always chased and fell in love with, be it in the past, or today. They were all problematic and I became their self-appointed saviour. To rescue the damsel in distress - from their past and themselves.
And the conclusions too, have been consistently the same - it is the "saviour" that will need the emotional rescuing, soon enough.
I can't change the way people are. But I can minimize my chances of being hurt in the future and not feeling so much, like a manipulated, emotional fool. I can choose not to set myself up for disappointment. I want to learn from this episode, so that I will not repeat it, in future.
But meanwhile, I have to grieve and let the healing take its course. Am so tired of being played out - and having faith in others, more than I really should. Maybe it's time to be alone, for a few years. And focus on other parts of my life, which is not so littered with a string of failures and heartbreaks.
When I passed by Fandango's at Sri Hartamas just now, there was this familiar song that was playing - I think it's called "Jesse", if I'm not wrong. Part of the lyrics that was being sung, I could relate to and it tugged at my heartstrings.
"Jesse, paint a picture,
of how it's gonna be,
By now, I should know better,
your dreams are never free,...
Tell me all about our little trailer
by the sea,
Jesse, you could always sell any dream to me,
Jesse, you could always sell any dream to me,...."
It's going to be a long night ahead, being awake. But I've got chocolates with me, as company. Let the slow path to healing begin.
posted by Stingrayz | 8:57 AM
5 Comments:
I hate to be harsh, but for the last time, let her go! If a person chose someone else over me once, that would be enough. I couldn't live with the thought that she preferred someone else over me first.
What is it with you men and the 'hero complex'? In all honesty, women who are needy aren't that great. There is a great freedom in loving a woman who doesn't need you in that way. A woman who is confident and independant, who loves you not because she needs you but because she choses to love you.
Sorry, no pity from this corner today. I don't think you need it.
Min:
Am trying to let go of the "saviour complex". Will learn it in due time - for my own good.
Thanks for standing by me - and giving me a kick when necessary. :)
Anonymous:
Yes, I am a glutton for punishment. It's the way I live my life. And yes, you're right - I chose this path and I have no to blame but myself.
Perhaps, the problem is I've never been afraid of people laughing at me.
To bastardise Shakespeare: "Better to have lived and lost, than to have laughed and not lived at all".
But thanks for your frank comments.
Minamona:
I am letting go of the relationship. But healing and getting over the memories and the hopes will take time. I'm trying my best.
Right now, I just want to take time to believe more in myself and to believe less in others. A rebalancing, is required.
Thanks, dear friend. May a new blue sky open up. :)
I am reminded of Ronan Keating's words, which I'm gonna paraphrase: I say it best when I say nothing at all.
But of course, I could not remember the last time I had been able to say nothing at a time like this.
I paraphrase Min on one thing that I agree with her - there is a great freedom in loving a confident and independent woman who loves you not out of need, but by choice.
My dear Stingray,
there is a woman out there, as special as you are, who deserves the best out of you and is fully worth your beautiful soul. Take a break and rebuild that trust in yourself. You SO deserve someone strong. Not because you're weak, but because you're adding to her pillar of strengths with what you have to offer.
Don't blame someone's addiction to predictability and stability. If you want to jump into the sea, bring someone who can, and choose to, swim OR sink with you - not someone who can't, or unwilling, to swim; yet dragging you down to sink.
Voice:
Thanks for the wise words. :) Will take the time out. As for the strong woman, she will come when it's her time to come, I guess.
You're welcome. Oh, she will come when the time is right, there's no doubt about that. You, however, need to be able to notice her :)
Take care.
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