Changes and Boundaries

Tonight, I realized again how awful I am, at adapting to changes.

It was not something that I didn't expect. I knew that it may be coming around the corner - but maybe deep inside, I wished for a different conclusion.

My ex-wife told me tonight that her current beau has drawn the boundaries for her and she is never to see me, for a casual outing again.

My reaction was mixed, to this piece of news. I was happy for her that she's with someone - and I pray to God that he's better for her, than I could ever be, for her. I've been carrying the guilt of the divorce with me for a few years now - perhaps, it's time to let the burden down - now that she's started life on a brand new page.

But I guess,...somewhere at the back of my mind, I thought I would never lose Kitty. Not as a close friend and as someone who used to be a lot more, to me. I mean, how many people in the world can you claim to have been your ex-wife? Someone who you used to share a life with?

I guess I had imagined that we'd both move on in our lives, be happy with our new partners and go on to have brand new families - but to always have that special space for each other - to be continuously supportive of each other, to celebrate the other's victories, to pick the other one up, when the chips were down. I guess I'd imagined we'd be one of these "modern and amicable" divorced couples.

I guess I had imagined that all this possible - because we were one of the lucky couples to be still on good terms, despite our separation and divorce. I remember the amazed looks and stares we used to get from other people, on the fact that we still get along famously, post-divorce.

But I sometimes forget where I am. And how being a liberal does not quite fit in the larger scheme of things. Nothing can remain the same.

This is Malaysia and no conservative Malay man in their right minds would accept their girlfriends/wives being on pretty friendly terms, with their ex-husbands. It's just not the done thing. The past is the past - and it belongs nowhere else but in our memories.

And in my mind, I know all this. I know how things fit and don't fit. I know life can't be as ideal as we'd like to imagine it to be - even if we had the sort of mould breakers that make nonsense, out of social and societal norms.


But I guess - I'm feeling this way because I know I'll greatly miss Kitty's company. It's indeed a great loss to me, not being able to see her again - and being reduced to the occasional "hi-how-are-you" phone calls. My ex-wife is a warm and giving person, a great conversationalist and certainly, one of the most intelligent women, I've ever come across in my life. She has a kooky sense of humour, bags of humility and great dress sense.

She loved me for who I am and accepted all of my faults, without exception. And her gracious sense of forgiveness, is second to none. And there is great strength in her - the potential of which, even she does not realize.

The marriage was not a success - but I consider some of the moments I've had with her as some of the most blessed in my life. With Zaphod, my brother-in-law, the gentlest soul and one of the most understanding people I've ever met. With her Mama and Papa - moments of sheer parental love from people who were not my flesh and blood. They were both proud of my achievements - and unlike my late mother - had the chance to tell me this, when they're still alive.

I'm happy for you, Kitty. I honestly am. I wish you all the best in your future, with him. May he be able to give you the all the happiness in the world, that I never could.

But yes,...I will miss your presence, Kitty.

But it's time that I accept that no matter how hard you (or other people) strive to break the mould - life will not always be, as you imagined it to be. We have a say and a stake in society but reciprocally, society has a a say and a stake in our lives, too.

No man is an island. Changes will always come. Boundaries will constantly be redrawn by you, with you and for you. The trick is not to avoid all earthly attachments - the trick is to accept and graciously release, when inevitable situations arise which may change the coastlines of your life.

There is a time and place for everything under the sun, as the saying goes.

And unflagging courage, faith and maturity is what it takes, to give it your all, despite the grief of what you may lose tomorrow, when the boundaries change on you.