Square Pegs and Round Holes
Square pegs and round holes. This was the analogy that I used to explain to someone whom was hurting after her boyfriend (whom is a close friend) had left her.
I was trying to explain to her that the failure was not out of a lack of effort on her side - or his, for that matter. They had both given it their very best effort.
It's just that at this particular juncture of their lives, they're not suited to each other. There's a severe maturity gap (although neither of them are very mature yet) which makes them a prickly combination, when together.
Understandably, the concept was difficult for her to grasp. A natural over-achiever, she greatly believed in herself and the ability to overcome anything, if you give it your best. It's worked for her in her student life and her nascent career, so far. She seemed to have the idea that the only way to fail, is when you give up.
In some ways, in some areas of life - she's right. But in matters of the heart - and in friendships too, as I've discovered lately - you have to know when it does not fit and when something is just plain wrong, staying together - regardless of how hard one side or both sides, try.
For something to work it has to feel right on both sides - and even if that is satisfied, it should follow certain norms of moral observance and societal engagement - like not messing about with a married man with children. Sometimes, there are many more important things than love - there's respect and consideration that you don't take the risk of damaging the lives of others, on a whim of passion.
In matters of the heart and friendship - you have to know when to quit your emotional investment, before you burn all your emotional reserves. You should only invest in things that have the potential of growth - antyhing that stagnates or depletes your reserves, is a loss-making investment.
And you have to understand the rule of square pegs and round holes. And to know when to cut your losses, because you know that you deserve better.
Lately, in my life - I'm starting to learn the concept of self-respect - that love for others, loved ones, friends and family - does not mean that you have to sell yourself short. And that a good investment in love - is when there is reciprocity in investment and mutual respect.
Maybe it doesn't have to be in equal doses - but it must be in sufficient, equitable doses. You'll always know inside, when you're tolerating selfish creatures that only know how to use you and to demand things of you - without reciprocating anything, in return.
*********************************************
So, here comes the natural counter-argument: Opposites attract, right? So, how does one explain that?
Yes, opposites do attract. I'm sure we've seen our share of it - pretty girls to ugly guys, smart guys to bimbos, liberal city boys to traditional rural girls, boisterous noisy women to quiet unassuming men, etc.
There's something about people who are different from us, that piques our curiousity, that arouses our interest - that attracts us like moths to flame.
Yes, opposites do attract - but they can only last with a common foundation and perspective on core issues. Sometimes, that common foundation is just there. Sometimes, it has to be fought out and drainingly developed over time.
And sometimes, when you get 2 people who are so diversely different or diamterically opposed (or equally headstrong, for that matter) - you never reach that common foundation - and it doesn't last.
With people who are opposites, things can only last if you can learn to listen to one another's voice, above the din of one's own.
And when I say listen, I mean to hold back all pre-conceived notions and value judgement, until you understand what the other party is saying. It's learning to empathize - to imagine for a while, if you were in the other person's shoes with his circumstances and historical background.
And to have large reservoirs of forgiveness and the humility to apologize - for any wrong that you've done or even when you don't feel that you're in the wrong - for the hurt that has been caused - even if it's not your fault.
These are not easy traits to pick up. 9 of out 10 people Ive met can't do it - especially the smart ones - because they like the sound of their own voices, they're convinced by the strength of their own preaching (even when they don't walk it) and because they never admit or even momentarily allow themselves the space of self-doubt - hence, lacking the ability to give the benefit of the doubt, to others.
It requires you to be sensitive to the nature of others. It requires you to set aside your ego - and to put the other person, as the centrepiece of your focus, in understanding the issue. It requires you to temporarily suspend all fixed notions of right and wrong - and to see if there's a new perspective that could be learnt here, for things to improve.
You can't address what you don't understand.
You can't make things better when you've decided that the only thing that can remained unchanged, in a relationship conflict, is yourself. That it always has to be the other party caving in - or that when you do give in, that it's a strategic bargaining move or tactical advantage to gain the upper hand in different aspects of the relationship.
To be a good lover and a good friend - you have to learn the art of giving and sacrificing.
Good relationships and friendships are grown on the altar of emotional investment, time, fun, sharing, nurturing, appreciation, constant adjustment, benefit of the doubt, forgiveness and most of all, an acceptance of the other person for who he or she is - without looking down at their values - or feel the need to feel superior to them, to feel good about oneself.
It's not a matter of who wins or who is right - it's a matter of putting the value of the relationship, above each individual party's interest. It's making the "we" matter more than "I".
**************************************
I've always liked diversity in friendships.
I have many, many friends and acquiantances and the range of behaviour that's acceptable to me - is far wider than most people can tolerate. With me, it's simple - everyone has some form of good qualities in them - from the neighbourhood's pak ustaz to the drunkard intellectual hedonist.
And if we just take the time to listen - you may just learn something new - a fresh and different perspective on life. Or maybe you'll learn why a person thinks a certain way.
People fascinate me - perhaps, that explains my penchant for diversity in friendships. My world keeps getting bigger and more colourful, because of the things that I understand from them and their lives. It's better than fiction - it's real life! (Who says reading is the only way to learn?)
But managing that diversity requires me to be almost value-neutral, publicly. What it means is that even though I have my own set of beliefs and values, I don't impose them on others. I'm not looking to preach to them - I'm looking to learn from each and every single one of them.
But managing that dievrsity can be difficult - either ways, wherever you are on the moral spectrum, you will be judged by them.
Some people can manage true acceptance of other people - other people put on a fake tolerance of others, just to display that they're tolerant - even if they totally cannot relate, to the values of another.
As I grow older, I'm beginning to realize that it's becoming increasingly difficult for people who have rarely made mistakes, to be friends with people who have made many, many mistakes.
True humility (and not the silly feigned modesty thing that the Malays are usually guilty of) usually comes as a function of trial and error and surviving major mistakes. True humility comes from knowing that we are not perfect or free from mistakes and that the only way to survive them is to constantly question oneself and to make necessary course corrections along the way.
And unless you have humility - you can never be entirely self-aware - and more importantly, sensitive to the environment around you. Humility is the thing that keeps you from being socially stupid or impulsive - of saying things that may hurt or offend others, deliberately or otherwise.
Whatever it is - we are, who we are - sometimes, we can help it, sometimes, we can't - because we don't have the E.Q. to know any better.
And lately, I find that I may not have the strength to manage such a diverse range of people - especially, when they can't or don't accept me, for who I am.
There used to be a time when I felt that I had the strength to compensate for their shortfall and tantrums - that as long as I gave a bit more, the relationship or friendship would be fine.
But that is not the case, anymore. Reaching my mid-30's - I find the need to simplify, to discard of things which are emotionally harmful or simply a baggage that I do not have to carry about.
And to focus more on the relationships and friendships that are more sincere, rewarding and reciprocal - the ones that do not give me constant grief.
Not all friendships are created equal.
And it's about time I stopped giving undeserving people so much benefit of the doubt - on the count of giving, caring and time and money investment, I think I've exceeded them by about three times over, at least.
*****************************************
And sometimes, I find out - that I don't even get proper respect, after all that.
That sometimes, they don't even bother verifying the truth on matters, with me - they just unilaterally make up their minds, from their preconceived judgement of my past and totally lacking in appreciation, for any improvements that I have made, since then.
What is the point of intellect and friendship, when the truth becomes something optional? What is the point of having friends who "have grown tired" of you and who can only see your mistakes and have forgotten to consider all your past deeds and kindness, when they were down, conflicted and confused?
Yes, I have made many mistakes in life - I'll be the very first to admit that - especially when it comes to my choice of women. But that doesn't mean that I'll forever be a screw-up in this area and that it's okay for you to assume so - because it's not.
Why is it that most people always remember the times, when others are down - but usually, are less critical of their own moments of folly and weakness?
**********************************************
To the particular friend that I'm addressing this to - if the truth has become optional to you and from your words and actions, you only have but unwarranted distrust for me - then, you would do better without my friendship.
I have the truth on my side and God knows better - and I hope one day, you will know better. But for now, with all due respect - to hell, with your ingratitude, immaturity and "holier than thou" attitude.
You do not deserve my friendship, if the truth has become optional to you. You neither value me or my friendship - that has become manifestly clear, in the last few days.
And I've finally realized it - I'm tired of selling myself short, when it comes to you.
**********************************************
Square pegs and round holes. If I could tell that girl now - I would tell her that it not only applies to romantic relationships, but also friendships.
And there comes a point in time, when we should stop pushing for things that don't fit, with people who don't try to stretch themselves on anything other than their own self-interest. Or to stretch their understanding and perspective of things, beyond the myopic parameters of their own fixed values and limited life experiences.
We all should have good friendships and relationships - but we should focus on people who are worthy of our effort. Don't sell yourself short and over-compensate- if the person looks selfish, most of the time, he is selfish. Actions rarely lie.
As you get older, focus more on the round pegs - regardless of which colour they come in. It promises better returns, on your labour of love.
I'm not cynical - I'm just making the necessary course corrections in life, so that from this year onwards, in both friendships and relationships - I don't come in last, in my own book.
I was trying to explain to her that the failure was not out of a lack of effort on her side - or his, for that matter. They had both given it their very best effort.
It's just that at this particular juncture of their lives, they're not suited to each other. There's a severe maturity gap (although neither of them are very mature yet) which makes them a prickly combination, when together.
Understandably, the concept was difficult for her to grasp. A natural over-achiever, she greatly believed in herself and the ability to overcome anything, if you give it your best. It's worked for her in her student life and her nascent career, so far. She seemed to have the idea that the only way to fail, is when you give up.
In some ways, in some areas of life - she's right. But in matters of the heart - and in friendships too, as I've discovered lately - you have to know when it does not fit and when something is just plain wrong, staying together - regardless of how hard one side or both sides, try.
For something to work it has to feel right on both sides - and even if that is satisfied, it should follow certain norms of moral observance and societal engagement - like not messing about with a married man with children. Sometimes, there are many more important things than love - there's respect and consideration that you don't take the risk of damaging the lives of others, on a whim of passion.
In matters of the heart and friendship - you have to know when to quit your emotional investment, before you burn all your emotional reserves. You should only invest in things that have the potential of growth - antyhing that stagnates or depletes your reserves, is a loss-making investment.
And you have to understand the rule of square pegs and round holes. And to know when to cut your losses, because you know that you deserve better.
Lately, in my life - I'm starting to learn the concept of self-respect - that love for others, loved ones, friends and family - does not mean that you have to sell yourself short. And that a good investment in love - is when there is reciprocity in investment and mutual respect.
Maybe it doesn't have to be in equal doses - but it must be in sufficient, equitable doses. You'll always know inside, when you're tolerating selfish creatures that only know how to use you and to demand things of you - without reciprocating anything, in return.
*********************************************
So, here comes the natural counter-argument: Opposites attract, right? So, how does one explain that?
Yes, opposites do attract. I'm sure we've seen our share of it - pretty girls to ugly guys, smart guys to bimbos, liberal city boys to traditional rural girls, boisterous noisy women to quiet unassuming men, etc.
There's something about people who are different from us, that piques our curiousity, that arouses our interest - that attracts us like moths to flame.
Yes, opposites do attract - but they can only last with a common foundation and perspective on core issues. Sometimes, that common foundation is just there. Sometimes, it has to be fought out and drainingly developed over time.
And sometimes, when you get 2 people who are so diversely different or diamterically opposed (or equally headstrong, for that matter) - you never reach that common foundation - and it doesn't last.
With people who are opposites, things can only last if you can learn to listen to one another's voice, above the din of one's own.
And when I say listen, I mean to hold back all pre-conceived notions and value judgement, until you understand what the other party is saying. It's learning to empathize - to imagine for a while, if you were in the other person's shoes with his circumstances and historical background.
And to have large reservoirs of forgiveness and the humility to apologize - for any wrong that you've done or even when you don't feel that you're in the wrong - for the hurt that has been caused - even if it's not your fault.
These are not easy traits to pick up. 9 of out 10 people Ive met can't do it - especially the smart ones - because they like the sound of their own voices, they're convinced by the strength of their own preaching (even when they don't walk it) and because they never admit or even momentarily allow themselves the space of self-doubt - hence, lacking the ability to give the benefit of the doubt, to others.
It requires you to be sensitive to the nature of others. It requires you to set aside your ego - and to put the other person, as the centrepiece of your focus, in understanding the issue. It requires you to temporarily suspend all fixed notions of right and wrong - and to see if there's a new perspective that could be learnt here, for things to improve.
You can't address what you don't understand.
You can't make things better when you've decided that the only thing that can remained unchanged, in a relationship conflict, is yourself. That it always has to be the other party caving in - or that when you do give in, that it's a strategic bargaining move or tactical advantage to gain the upper hand in different aspects of the relationship.
To be a good lover and a good friend - you have to learn the art of giving and sacrificing.
Good relationships and friendships are grown on the altar of emotional investment, time, fun, sharing, nurturing, appreciation, constant adjustment, benefit of the doubt, forgiveness and most of all, an acceptance of the other person for who he or she is - without looking down at their values - or feel the need to feel superior to them, to feel good about oneself.
It's not a matter of who wins or who is right - it's a matter of putting the value of the relationship, above each individual party's interest. It's making the "we" matter more than "I".
**************************************
I've always liked diversity in friendships.
I have many, many friends and acquiantances and the range of behaviour that's acceptable to me - is far wider than most people can tolerate. With me, it's simple - everyone has some form of good qualities in them - from the neighbourhood's pak ustaz to the drunkard intellectual hedonist.
And if we just take the time to listen - you may just learn something new - a fresh and different perspective on life. Or maybe you'll learn why a person thinks a certain way.
People fascinate me - perhaps, that explains my penchant for diversity in friendships. My world keeps getting bigger and more colourful, because of the things that I understand from them and their lives. It's better than fiction - it's real life! (Who says reading is the only way to learn?)
But managing that diversity requires me to be almost value-neutral, publicly. What it means is that even though I have my own set of beliefs and values, I don't impose them on others. I'm not looking to preach to them - I'm looking to learn from each and every single one of them.
But managing that dievrsity can be difficult - either ways, wherever you are on the moral spectrum, you will be judged by them.
Some people can manage true acceptance of other people - other people put on a fake tolerance of others, just to display that they're tolerant - even if they totally cannot relate, to the values of another.
As I grow older, I'm beginning to realize that it's becoming increasingly difficult for people who have rarely made mistakes, to be friends with people who have made many, many mistakes.
True humility (and not the silly feigned modesty thing that the Malays are usually guilty of) usually comes as a function of trial and error and surviving major mistakes. True humility comes from knowing that we are not perfect or free from mistakes and that the only way to survive them is to constantly question oneself and to make necessary course corrections along the way.
And unless you have humility - you can never be entirely self-aware - and more importantly, sensitive to the environment around you. Humility is the thing that keeps you from being socially stupid or impulsive - of saying things that may hurt or offend others, deliberately or otherwise.
Whatever it is - we are, who we are - sometimes, we can help it, sometimes, we can't - because we don't have the E.Q. to know any better.
And lately, I find that I may not have the strength to manage such a diverse range of people - especially, when they can't or don't accept me, for who I am.
There used to be a time when I felt that I had the strength to compensate for their shortfall and tantrums - that as long as I gave a bit more, the relationship or friendship would be fine.
But that is not the case, anymore. Reaching my mid-30's - I find the need to simplify, to discard of things which are emotionally harmful or simply a baggage that I do not have to carry about.
And to focus more on the relationships and friendships that are more sincere, rewarding and reciprocal - the ones that do not give me constant grief.
Not all friendships are created equal.
And it's about time I stopped giving undeserving people so much benefit of the doubt - on the count of giving, caring and time and money investment, I think I've exceeded them by about three times over, at least.
*****************************************
And sometimes, I find out - that I don't even get proper respect, after all that.
That sometimes, they don't even bother verifying the truth on matters, with me - they just unilaterally make up their minds, from their preconceived judgement of my past and totally lacking in appreciation, for any improvements that I have made, since then.
What is the point of intellect and friendship, when the truth becomes something optional? What is the point of having friends who "have grown tired" of you and who can only see your mistakes and have forgotten to consider all your past deeds and kindness, when they were down, conflicted and confused?
Yes, I have made many mistakes in life - I'll be the very first to admit that - especially when it comes to my choice of women. But that doesn't mean that I'll forever be a screw-up in this area and that it's okay for you to assume so - because it's not.
Why is it that most people always remember the times, when others are down - but usually, are less critical of their own moments of folly and weakness?
**********************************************
To the particular friend that I'm addressing this to - if the truth has become optional to you and from your words and actions, you only have but unwarranted distrust for me - then, you would do better without my friendship.
I have the truth on my side and God knows better - and I hope one day, you will know better. But for now, with all due respect - to hell, with your ingratitude, immaturity and "holier than thou" attitude.
You do not deserve my friendship, if the truth has become optional to you. You neither value me or my friendship - that has become manifestly clear, in the last few days.
And I've finally realized it - I'm tired of selling myself short, when it comes to you.
**********************************************
Square pegs and round holes. If I could tell that girl now - I would tell her that it not only applies to romantic relationships, but also friendships.
And there comes a point in time, when we should stop pushing for things that don't fit, with people who don't try to stretch themselves on anything other than their own self-interest. Or to stretch their understanding and perspective of things, beyond the myopic parameters of their own fixed values and limited life experiences.
We all should have good friendships and relationships - but we should focus on people who are worthy of our effort. Don't sell yourself short and over-compensate- if the person looks selfish, most of the time, he is selfish. Actions rarely lie.
As you get older, focus more on the round pegs - regardless of which colour they come in. It promises better returns, on your labour of love.
I'm not cynical - I'm just making the necessary course corrections in life, so that from this year onwards, in both friendships and relationships - I don't come in last, in my own book.
posted by Stingrayz | 7:27 AM
10 Comments:
I hope your emotional fast did you good. Never gone through that myself... that'd be bad for me coz then I'd be mrs frigid and where would my husband be? hahahaha!
What you wrote about smart ppl is soo true...Because they're smarter, they think they know better. I think the same goes to older ppl.
And I find ppl who rarely makes mistakes are rather self-righteous and unforgiving. They should thank God they didn't have to go through mistakes to learn their lessons, but instead they become judgmental.
But of course, there are also those who are good enough to aspire to.
Intan:
The emotional fast is going well - I think I'm more focused now on keeping things straight and simple.
To a certain extent, it's made me less tolerant of the nonsense people throw at me - but I swear that it's been long overdue.
In my effort to be understanding and forgiving with people over the years, with an overdone "turn the other cheek" philosophy - I've practically evolved into a doormat.
And that has to stop. Now.
I have been reading ur entries for quite sumtime now...but this one hit home.very much!
I would like to ask ur permission to post a prt of it in my blog...i'll mention this I got from you...I need that 1 person to read this...Wld it be ok with u?
lonelylonelywoman:
Sure, go on ahead, dear.
May the lesson be learnt faster for the person that it is intended for, than it was for me.
Just a question, dear - ever thought of changing your pseudonym? Surely you must be happier than it sounds, right? :)
Brief moments of happiness from true love felt deep from the heart is worth more than years of love that tries too hard to prove itself.
Yes, I know and realise it's not worth pursuing it to the end for the sake of the other loved ones involved.
But during these few precious moments he shares with me - the knowing glances, cheeky grins & funny repartee, we are in our own world, for we truly understand each other without even having to say much.
We fit so well that we're the only 2 pieces needed to complete the jigsaw puzzle.
Alas, we're not meant to be together in this lifetime.
All said, it still is better to truly love and loved. MUCH better.
Love is the music to our souls.
p/s Thank you for being the only one who understands. Hugs.
The one thing I know for sure now is I was the blur one when it comes to not understanding the significance of bringing oneself up after falling down by making mistake. The keyword here is 'was', because I have fallen down in an unmistakable mistake, something I never thought I would be in. But I have, and now I'm bringing myself up.
A tough time, really. Am more tolerant of others now that I know what it really feels.
And yes, I always feel that if I give up, then it means I fail. What I didn't see is that what I push too hard, I am also in the danger of becoming a failure. One who fails to see the truth when it hits me in the face. Heh.
Just wondering - have you ever read 'Atlas Shrugged' by Ayn Rand? Some of the things you wrote, especially about selling yourself short in terms of relationships, resonates with parts of book.
And although I very, very rarely meet up with you nowadays, I still value you very much as a friend!
music in our souls:
I understand better than you think, dear. And I will be your side, whatever your decision may be. :)
Suara:
You have grown much in experience, dear. :)
Mistakes makes us human, learning from it makes us wise and forgiving others that suffer from it, makes us compassionate.
There are 2 types of people who are destined to fail in life: people who never admit their mistakes and ask for forgiveness when they're wrong and secondly, people who never forgive others for their mistakes and weaknesses.
For these types of people, no matter how intelligent they are, there can be no escaping the curse of narrow-mindedness.
Dian:
Hey little sister! :)
Nope, I've not yet read "Atlas Shrugged" but I'll make it a point to look it the next time I'm in a bookstore.
And likewise, I value you and your family in my life. There are some people who rank as friends in my life - I rank you like a sister that I've never had, that I'm very proud of.
My regards to your hubby and your family, dear. :)
Wah, big brother, I'm so flattered and touched.
My hubby is coming back from Sudan in 12 days, so maybe we can all meet up for a meal or several meals then. Then we can really catch up on news.
If you're looking up 'Atlas Shrugged' at Kinokuniya, it's listed under Philosophy, although it is actually a novel. But one small part of it does read like a lecture. Put me to sleep that I skipped it altogether!
Dian:
Yes, please - let's get together for a meal. :) Drag Ain along too - and I'll drag the Vietnamese Warrior Princess.
By the way, little sister, with "Atlas Shrugged" - did you just equate me to a boring, lecturing philosopher novelist? :D
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