The Best Moments

First, I'd like to express a note of thanks to Ms. K, for the thoughtful and touching e-mail to me. Thank you, for your kind words. :)

I totally empathize with what you're going through and I can relate. But always know that it's okay to be different, as long as you do no harm to others. It takes courage to be different, especially when you know, that you're different.

And on your request for something more upbeat - I've decided to share some of the best moments, from my past. May this do the trick.

Hope this will cheer you up, on your drive back home today. :)

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I was 16 and I was in Mirama Bowl for the bowling finals of an under-18 competition. Everything about that particular competition was related to the number 1 - I qualified at the top of rankings table and in my first set of 3 games too. My total pinfalls was 567 pins from 3 games and I was averaging close to 190 pinfalls per game.

(Bear in mind that this was 1989. Back then, kids were not usually averaging 220 pinfalls per game, like they do now)

Up to that point, I've never played that well before in my life. But somehow the Mirama lanes, seemed to agree with me. And of course, I was trying out a new technique called the "spinner", which seemed to work well on those lanes.

It was a 6-game roll-off for the finals and some of my competitors was the KL youth champion, Steven (who in the previous week had just won the singles title for the Inter-State competition) and a very much younger Shalin Zulkifli (who was destined to become a world-class bowler, one day - little did she guess, at that time).

My first game of 6 was a scorcher - I rolled off a high 210 pinfalls. (Later, I found out that this won me, the High Game prize, for the day). As a result of that, I ended the first series of 3 games, with 564 pinfalls.

It was after the first series, that I realized that I was leading the pack, with Steven snapping hard on my heels. I remember feeling very nervous at holding the lead and that began to affect my game. I started becoming erratic and my next 2 games, came to an awful 2-game total of 300 pinfalls. My game had chosen a fine time to fall apart, dammit!

But there was a surprise for me, too. Bapak, my stepfather, had taken the morning off from his work and decided to turn up at the competition, to cheer me on. I had never been close to him (a large part of it was due to the fact that I pushed his affection away, when I was younger) but that gesture meant a lot to me and was a major milestone, in bringing both of us closer together.

He was the FIRST family member EVER, to come and give moral support to me, at a bowling competition. He would also be the last.

Down to the final game, Steven was about slightly more than 40 pins behind me, at 821 pinfalls. He was playing below par as he struggled to adjust to the lanes, but he was picking up steam. And he was determined to finish his 6 games, before mine. It's a psychological pressure tactic - bowlers are familiar with this.

Steven struck off a fine 181 pinfalls on his last game, bringing his total pinfall to 1002. The psychological effect on me was tremendous, as my game fell apart and I was getting splits or missing spares.

I remember Shalin shouting from the back - "just play your game, boy. Take your spares." I knew that Steven played a good last game and all I had to do was remain calm and not let my game fall apart, to win. But halfway through the last game - it was obvious that my game, was falling apart.

Down to the last frame, the large crowd behind me, went quiet. There were murmurs of "It's very close" and "he has to spare or lose", in the background. I was shaking in nervousness - but I pulled myself together and took the easy spare.

Everything hung on that last throw - I knew by the way the crowd went completely silent. I tried to clear my mind and calm my nerves and said to myself "whichever way it goes, you've played well throughout this tournament". At least, I would be in the top 2 or 3.

And with that I took my last shot - 9 pins came down. I turned to the crowd, waving my hands up in the air, signalling that I had tried my best. The crowd clapped in approval and a short while later, I could hear Shalin going "He won by a mere 1 pin!".

I smiled. It's confirmed. I won by 1 pin, (there's that number again!) beating the Inter-state champion. And I never lost my lead in the 6-game series - I was first from beginning, till end.

And yes - you guessed it - it was the first under-18 championship that I've ever won! :)

It was a day and tournament of many firsts, for me. I'd never forget how proud Bapak looked and how appreciative I was that he was there - it's nice not to have to "borrow" moral support from other people's parents, for once.

It was the sweetest of victories.

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I was in Ms. Atoki's office, about to receive my first year results. And I was dreading it.

Having never taken a university level Law exams before, I couldn't tell how high the benchmark was. All I knew was that the last 6 months before the exams, were emotionally exhausting for me. Lina had asked for a break-up and had been spending it with her new Brylcream model boyfriend.

Believe me - nothing, absolutely nothing, is as heart-wrenching as having your ex-girlfriend going with a poor dumb clerk and part-time model, whose much better looking than you and has got a Ninja motorbike. It batters the ego, to no end, believe me.

And me being me, I spent the six months suffering and begging her, to return to me. I wrote her on average 2-3 letters a week, for 6 months. No replies came back.

It didn't help that when I came back to KL after my first year exams - the Regent's Ville boy tried to console me, in their own inimitable, unique way. They would typically make disparaging remarks about Lina and the Brylcream Boy and said that I was better off without her. And it would have been fine, if they stopped there.

But they had continue - "but he's REALLY good-looking, ah. That one is not in doubt-lah".

Adoiiiiiii. This is adding the salt factory to the wound, man. Pedih gila. I felt uglier than Kermit the Frog. And slightly more green too - probably with envy.

So, it was with great trepidation that I walked into Ms. Atoki's office that morning. I prayed that I did not flunk any of my subjects, that would be blessing enough. I felt that I could have done much better and I just wanted to see the damage that I had done to myself, pining over this superficial girl (heh, that was envy and regret, talking)

Ms. Atoki took a long look at my file and took a long deep breath. Oh shit! Did I flunk?? Am I going to have to pay for all that misplaced emotional trauma? Are my parents going to kill me? A thousand possibilities ran through my mind.

And then, she spoke. "First, I just want to tell you how disappointed I am, that you did not get a First, for Criminal Law. I expected you to do better than this." Her reaction was understandable - she was my Criminal Law tutor.

And then she smiled and said, "But congratulations! You scored straight Second Class Uppers for all your subjects!" "Even the options?" I asked. And she said, "Yes, even the optional subjects!" That would be all 6 subjects, then.

It didn't sink in. I told her again, what my last name was and told her to check the results again - thinking that she must have confused me, with someone else.

She laughed. "***, it IS your results". She got up from her seat, walked to me and gave me a big congratulatory hug. "I'm still sore that you did not do well, for your Criminal Law, but you made it up to me - because you're the 3rd best student in Law School."

I suddenly realized - this is REAL. She was not kidding! Dear God, thank you for your small mercies! As she hugged me, I felt tears of mixed joy and relief, streak down my cheeks. Thank you, God!

(*Ms. Atoki passed away less than 3 years later, but I would never forget that warm hug. She was a special person that constantly thought that I could do better, than what I was doing)

All the grief that I had gone through, in the previous 6 months - everything seemed to fade into the background.

My first year results caught me in a bind, though - since I was doing a 2-year degree, my results were too high for a 2nd Class Lower and too low to achieve a First Class Honours (unless, I could achieve four First Class subjects, out of a total of 6 - highly unlikely. This had only been done once ever before, in Law School. And I'm proud to say that it was by a Malaysian, too.)

I called my Mum later and I could hear her "Alhamdulillah" on the other end and hearing her say, "I'm proud of you!" - it's one of the 3 times, she's ever said that in her lifetime, before she passed on.

And there's never quite a joy to me, that could rival the joy of gaining my mother's approval.

I'll never forget that day. It was the first day in a month, that I forgot to feel bad, about not being a Brylcream model. :)

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These are some of the moments, that stay with us. Rare fleeting moments, of perfect days. Totally unblemished. I wish for more of these days.

Ms. K, have a good drive home. Hope you're in a more upbeat mood, now. :)