Breathe
Woke up this morning, with this heavy feeling on my chest. Looks like the 2nd time round, isn't any easier.
Dragged myself out of bed. Switched on the loudest music I could find on the "Hits Dari Seberang" CD. "Melompat Lebih Tinggi" resonated throughout the condo. It's like a sharp prick, on the quiet contemplativeness of the moment.
I need that noise, right now. It stops me from thinking. It stops me from feeling.
Brushed my teeth and quickly stepped into the shower. The cold shower jet on my face, snapped me back to life. My mind started reviewing all the things that had to be done, for the week. The BOD meeting, the due dilligence meeting for the investment, the meeting with the large retail boys, the meeting with the lawyers for the transfer of the pesaka house - everything was happening this week.
Great. Just great,....
I prayed for the strength to pull through this week, without letting bits of my messy personal life, get to me. I've done this before, I kept telling myself. I had to shape The Program, when my divorce was going through its hardest phase, at one time. If I could survive that, I could survive anything. Not that it ever gets any easier, these things.
Just focus on the priorities that need to get done. Shut down. Shut out. Feeling is a luxury I can't afford, right now. I need to focus. Just write it out and let go.
At times like this, I really envy smokers. Or the people on Prozac.
Never mind. Breathe in, breathe out. Focus on what needs to get done right now and in each and every moment. This hurt will pass. Tomorrow will be better. It gets a little bit easier, everyday. Gradually.
It will be, if you try hard enough. We all live on the promise of a better tomorrow, don't we?
Dragged myself out of bed. Switched on the loudest music I could find on the "Hits Dari Seberang" CD. "Melompat Lebih Tinggi" resonated throughout the condo. It's like a sharp prick, on the quiet contemplativeness of the moment.
I need that noise, right now. It stops me from thinking. It stops me from feeling.
Brushed my teeth and quickly stepped into the shower. The cold shower jet on my face, snapped me back to life. My mind started reviewing all the things that had to be done, for the week. The BOD meeting, the due dilligence meeting for the investment, the meeting with the large retail boys, the meeting with the lawyers for the transfer of the pesaka house - everything was happening this week.
Great. Just great,....
I prayed for the strength to pull through this week, without letting bits of my messy personal life, get to me. I've done this before, I kept telling myself. I had to shape The Program, when my divorce was going through its hardest phase, at one time. If I could survive that, I could survive anything. Not that it ever gets any easier, these things.
Just focus on the priorities that need to get done. Shut down. Shut out. Feeling is a luxury I can't afford, right now. I need to focus. Just write it out and let go.
At times like this, I really envy smokers. Or the people on Prozac.
Never mind. Breathe in, breathe out. Focus on what needs to get done right now and in each and every moment. This hurt will pass. Tomorrow will be better. It gets a little bit easier, everyday. Gradually.
It will be, if you try hard enough. We all live on the promise of a better tomorrow, don't we?
posted by Stingrayz | 5:06 PM
10 Comments:
that's about the only thing that keeps us sane.
If you notice, you're rambling. Your mind is everywhere. One minute you're reminiscing about your old house, the next minute you're talking about the Malay agenda and just one minute after that, you're lamenting the fact that you're single and bored (plus a story on how you (tried) to flirt with a girl somewhere..) - though not in that order. Geez, you know what I mean! Hahah.
Oh. plus, there's an entry on American Idol too! Hahah.
Yes, it's good to let it all out but you need to breathe and focus.
I know it's going to be a loooonnnggg week for you, so good luck! Knowing you, you'd be able to pull through it all, I'm sure.
Just focus ok? If work is your main priority now, you shouldn't even give women a second of your precious time.
All the best, mate!
man. two things that keep me sane - yoga and dzikirs. agree with pixie. forget the women la! aiyoh if i had your lifestyle, i die of heart attack already.
do you do outdoorsy stuff or you're too much of a wine bar type? hiking works. was in a jungle this weekend and it was fab.
dear stingray.. sorry to hear (about your loss). ingat Allah, always be close to him, don't veer off the end. Insya'Allah as bad as things look now, there are other things worth looking forward too :) Allah sayangkan kita, that's why he ALWAYS tests us and our faith.
Hahah... Yup yup. Make that two of us, lil ms d. I think I'll die of heart attack if I had all those things running in my head.. :p
Yes.. yoga helps kan? But men don't normally dig yoga. Maybe they are not as 'flexible' kot? Heheh.
We're all entitled to feel down and out at times. Just have to remember to get up again at the end of the day.
Just to put things in perspective: my colleague had dengue fever over Christmas, then his wife had to undergo a hysterectomy. She had barely recovered when their home was hit by the Shah Alam floods. The following week his mum is admitted to hospital because of heart problems. And on top of all that we've got a lousy Lead Engineer.
So it ain't all that bad for some of us.
oh sorry to hear about the big D since I only discovered this blog through Najah's headsup bout your post.
But why envy those who smokes and on prozac? Isn't blogging therapeutic enuf?
Noni:
Thanks, Nonikins. Appreciate it. Will need all the strength I can gather.
Babe:
Yep, yep and yep.
Pixie (for both entries):
Rambling helps distract me. It's a common escapism trick - you externalize, when you can't deal with things internally. Helps you cope.
Yes, am focusing on work. With great difficulty, while trying to balance emotional turbulence - but I'll live.
Yoga? If men are flexible, there are so many more interesting things to try out, other than yoga. ;)
Dinzie:
I'm not concerned about the rest of womenfolk, right now. Just trying to get over this particular one.
And no - you won't die of a heart attack, if you had my lifestyle - though you might be locked up in Tampoi with the name "Dina Sembilu". :)
Hiking? Nope. Vegging out by the beach or rowing in a canoe in a Lake Pedu sunset? Definitely.
Dian:
You are wise beyond your years, little sister. :) Thanks for the uplifting comparison (although I'm very sorry for your friends).
Yes, there is much to be thankful for. Still.
Maine:
Blogging keeps me sane. For now. :)
hi there. Just found ur blog.
I am so sorry to hear about your loss and what you have to go through. It must be very difficult and not something anybody would wish for.
It will be all over when everything is done. Then you can move on. Easier said than done, but that is how it goes. You will find your peace. Just give it time. Things happen for a reason, perhaps it is for the better. Put your trust in god.
All the best to you. Hang in there.
Lin:
Thanks for your thoughtful words. I will be okay,....with time. Welcome to the blog. Lin. :)
p.s. Is that guy in one of your photos Faisal Rashid? He looks SO familiar, but I was afraid that it's a case of pelanduk dua serupa.
TTG:
And what do we mean by being more adventurous lah? ;)
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