Choices and The Price of Consequences
Perception is Reality. That's what Rizal's blog says.
And I guess as far as much of the world is concerned, that's true.
This is my first serious personal piece, in a while. Something happened today that me wonder how I've been perceived by others - after my divorce. Especially, by my peers and more importantly, my elders.
I've been quiet in the last several day, mulling a few things in my head. Of choices and consequences - and sometimes, the unintended price that we pay for such choices.
I've learnt that sometimes what we intend from our actions, is not always understood. But based on an incomplete set of facts, the interpretation of what is perceived, becomes the reality for those who perceive us from the outside world.
Action not only speaks louder than words - it becomes the solitary and dominant voice when there are no alternative of words offered, to explain the truth.
Sometimes, our elders teach us that all that matters is the truth. That's half of the truth, actually. The truth is actually made of both what really happened and what people believed happened. Only when the two are aligned, does it become the absolute truth, in both the subjective and objective sense.
Unless both are aligned, all that you can verify for sure are your own intentions and that God knows better. But the reality of the world, may be a different one.
And "truth" no matter how true, will fall, when in collision with an opposing public perception.
**************************************************
"What are you on about, Stingray?", some of you may be thinking.
I'm talking about our intentions and the choices we make, based on those intentions. And that sometimes, no matter how good-intentioned one is and the commitment one makes to back that intention (or perhaps, conviction) - one may still get it wrong.
Because choices that are normal are choices that do not break society's accepted norms. Just because one has decided to be an exception to the rule, does not mean that one will be measured by a different yardstick, by society.
And God has never promised us a rose garden for the good, in this world. The rose garden in return for good deeds, is a promise for the next world. But there are no guarantees in this world. Doing the right things may still get you in the wrong place with the worst of possible conclusions.
I'll give you an example. If you choose to be honest and incorrupt in all your financial dealings, you will know that your hard-earned money is clean and I guess God knows, too.
But you may rise slower in wealth and stature than some of the other corrupt fellows that have decided to swindle their Government, their fellow citizens, their taxpayers, their political party members, their clients, their business partners, their creditors, their minority shareholders, etc.
Some people may notice that you're an honest businessman. Most other people will notice that others are more successful than you, though they probably won't get into details of why, that is so. (Note that I'm not saying that being dishonest and corrupt, is the only way to prosper financially - all I'm saying is that it's a POPULAR way)
You've made a conscious choice to be honest. And you will stand by it, come rain or shine. You refuse to be bought. You believe that you're doing the right thing - for yourself, for your business, for God or for society - whatever your own motivations may be.
But the issue is about the consequences that you're willing to live with, for the conscious choices that you make. Are you willing to pay the price - of being an honest man, all your life? Letting go of every pecuniary opportunity that doesn't feel morally right?
You know what you think, probably. You know what your religion ordains for you. But you don't know what society will think of you. Society's values may differ from your own - in a society which values materialism above all else - being an honest man may not be an asset - it may be a liability. Or an impediment to wealth and stature.
Are you willing to pay the price of being the odd one out in society? Most people don't want to - social conformity is more about being accepted and sometimes, has very little to do, with being right.
Most of us, don't want to be right - we want to be accepted by the bigger crowd. So we conform to all of its expectations - we dress accordingly, we talk in a certain way and we follow all the values that would get us accepted, with open arms. We want to blend in, to be part of a bigger grouping. We shape the things we want, to the things others find cool. There's a sense of security in uniformity of values.
And somewhere along the way, we frown upon individuals and individual thinking. We frown on non-conformity. We frown on people who are neither nor there - just middle of the road and seemingly undecided, on their social and moral standing. In Rome, do as the Romans do, people say. But what happens when you refuse to do so?
Sometimes, the choices you make will decide whether you're in or out. And most times, in social groupings, the choice is that simple: Are you in or are you out? Conform or get rejected.
(Those that don't drink or smoke in a club in KL, nowadays, will know exactly what I mean. These are awkward times, to be middle of the road. Much has changed in the last 10-15 years)
*********************************************************
In the last few days, I've pondered my choices in life. And the price that I've paid for it.
There are some choices that I don't regret.
Of not becoming an UMNO member, because I still don't believe in a race-based approach in Malaysian politics and because I believe that politics should be about contribution and not about benefitting from the contracts gravy train, which is the main reason, why most of my peers are in UMNO.
Of standing by my principles, even when it would have been more lucrative not to do so. I remember when the CEO (Mr. No Backbone) offered to make me VP of The Company, if I toed the company line on The Program.
The CEO told me that I could join the Company but I would have to leave my team "outside" and to silently betray the Government's original objectives of The Program. The team were not necessarily welcome there and I might be asked to dismantle them. I was to their bidding and to forget all the things that so many have fought for, in the previous few years.
I refused, stuck to my guns, voluntarily resigned and battled to save The Program from the outside - much to the CEO's annoyance.
The external pressure the NGO exerted from the outside to the Government, finally made The Beast leave The Company and The Program is still alive today in it's original form, albeit a bit battered. But it still holds great potential for the future, under my successor's (my former deputy) steady leadership.
I could have stayed on, sold out on my principles and continued earning a cushy five figure salary and cut a much more attractive bachelor, as the youngest VP in The Company. But some things are not for sale - EVER.
But yes, I'm still poor today, by conscious choice. I'm starting all over again as a struggling businessman, in a new start-up with a lot of potential.
And yes, there are times when I wonder how different life would be, if I was less rigid on my principles and more conformist to the norm. Whether some of the women I had a relationship with, would look at me differently - as a prospective husband candidate. It's an interesting thought to entertain.
But it's a fleeting thought. I have absolutely no regrets on that decision - although it was one that had momentarily, made me less successful.
*******************************************************
But there are decisions that I regret and where the price of consequences, I have unwisely overlooked. And this will be one of the frankest admissions I've ever made in my life. But it's necessary - for me to acknowledge it. No matter how uncool it makes me look.
One of the main one decisions is my prolific search for a wife, after my divorce. Believing that trial and error and getting to know someone was the only way to succeed, there were many "candidates" that I've inadvertantly hurt, once I realized that they were not the one.
I didn't think there was anything wrong with it. If I failed with one person, I immediately moved on to a next "dating" candidate within weeks, if not months. If I was not in love with the person - then surely, I should try harder to find someone that I was truly in love with.
Nothing in my life, comes without effort. And as far as I was concerned, I was putting in the effort - to be married again. To start a family.
It was a simple reasoning. So simple, that it can only be thought-up of by a simpleton. Like me.
And in my effort, there have been many women that I've got an opportunity to know better and attempted to feel true love for. There were many hearts that have been broken, due to some gross misjudgement of my own feelings. All of them were good people and I regret the hurt that I've caused them.
And I found two, that I fell MADLY in love with and I've been hurt, both times in a triangle of sorts. Had any of these 2 said yes to me, I'd be married in a few months, if not now.
But all this effort, to be married again - had partly caused me my reputation. Within some parts of my peer group - I became known as a "player" - perhaps, judged from the number of women that I had been dating and the negative outcomes, that are attached to it.
In fact, I remember when N told me that her sister (someone whom I regarded as a relatively close friend) warned her about me and said - "that one's a player". Thankfully, in the short time that she was with me, she decided to go beyond the cover and to read the book by herself. Recently, I've had the same phrase repeated to me by some other friends, whom I thought knew me better.
But this is not how society works. For the large part, I think our society still believes that love, fate and jodoh are supposed to come to you - it's not something you look for, actively - like Indiana Jones hunting for treasure.
There's sort of this unsubstantiated belief that life will provide you one, when the time comes. And it's based on nothing, but faith.
I believe it, too. But I also believe in effort. And not sitting there and waiting for things to fall out of the sky. We make our own luck dengan ikhtiar - after all, God helps those help themselves, right?
However, my blindside was that I did not see how society would perceive and judge my "effort".
Some think that I'm deliberately going out there, to break hearts - that I'm a "player". Some think that I'm not thinking and just falling too hard, too fast and sometimes, for too many people. (And sadly, there is some truth to that, in a few past instances).
Some think that I come across as desperate. And yes, there is some truth to that. I'm desperate to find the right person, to enter into holy matrimony. I'm desperate to have a family, that I can love and shower with affection. I just know that I'd make a great father and hopefully, at least, a good husband.
I'm desperate to have a life that has meaning, beyond contribution, personal achievement and success, however it is measured. What is the meaning of all this - if I am alone and if I die alone, unnoticed?
And they've all told me this - friends who care enough, to be frank and honest.
And I guess it's here that I have to apologise, not for my effort, but for not being aware enough of how society may perceive my actions. And perhaps, for hurting so many people, with my uncontained zeal.
My intentions were straighforward and although my attempts were manifold and prolific - I never considered the women I've dated, as mere statistics. There was something special about all and each one of them, some attribute or another that I would find attractive and appealing in a wife and if it's any consolation, I'm still on talking terms (or at least, writing terms), with all of them.
But intentions alone are only half the story. Our actions (and the consequences of our actions) speak volumes louder about who we are, to society. Inadvertantly, in society's eyes - I have become a "player", albeit an accidental one.
I don't want to be known as a "player", because I'm not and it keeps away all the good people from knowing me. I just want to be a family man. I'm getting older and I guess I've decided that the current way, is NOT the way I want to live my life. And I make no apologies for it.
But I aim to be more mindful about my future actions and to consider how others would perceive it. We live in a society and although society isn't always right - being a non-conformist individual, should always have its limitations. (Especially, when it leads to a negative moral perception)
Lest we ignore it and allow a mistaken interpretation of our past, to shape a wrongful outcome of our future.
And I guess as far as much of the world is concerned, that's true.
This is my first serious personal piece, in a while. Something happened today that me wonder how I've been perceived by others - after my divorce. Especially, by my peers and more importantly, my elders.
I've been quiet in the last several day, mulling a few things in my head. Of choices and consequences - and sometimes, the unintended price that we pay for such choices.
I've learnt that sometimes what we intend from our actions, is not always understood. But based on an incomplete set of facts, the interpretation of what is perceived, becomes the reality for those who perceive us from the outside world.
Action not only speaks louder than words - it becomes the solitary and dominant voice when there are no alternative of words offered, to explain the truth.
Sometimes, our elders teach us that all that matters is the truth. That's half of the truth, actually. The truth is actually made of both what really happened and what people believed happened. Only when the two are aligned, does it become the absolute truth, in both the subjective and objective sense.
Unless both are aligned, all that you can verify for sure are your own intentions and that God knows better. But the reality of the world, may be a different one.
And "truth" no matter how true, will fall, when in collision with an opposing public perception.
**************************************************
"What are you on about, Stingray?", some of you may be thinking.
I'm talking about our intentions and the choices we make, based on those intentions. And that sometimes, no matter how good-intentioned one is and the commitment one makes to back that intention (or perhaps, conviction) - one may still get it wrong.
Because choices that are normal are choices that do not break society's accepted norms. Just because one has decided to be an exception to the rule, does not mean that one will be measured by a different yardstick, by society.
And God has never promised us a rose garden for the good, in this world. The rose garden in return for good deeds, is a promise for the next world. But there are no guarantees in this world. Doing the right things may still get you in the wrong place with the worst of possible conclusions.
I'll give you an example. If you choose to be honest and incorrupt in all your financial dealings, you will know that your hard-earned money is clean and I guess God knows, too.
But you may rise slower in wealth and stature than some of the other corrupt fellows that have decided to swindle their Government, their fellow citizens, their taxpayers, their political party members, their clients, their business partners, their creditors, their minority shareholders, etc.
Some people may notice that you're an honest businessman. Most other people will notice that others are more successful than you, though they probably won't get into details of why, that is so. (Note that I'm not saying that being dishonest and corrupt, is the only way to prosper financially - all I'm saying is that it's a POPULAR way)
You've made a conscious choice to be honest. And you will stand by it, come rain or shine. You refuse to be bought. You believe that you're doing the right thing - for yourself, for your business, for God or for society - whatever your own motivations may be.
But the issue is about the consequences that you're willing to live with, for the conscious choices that you make. Are you willing to pay the price - of being an honest man, all your life? Letting go of every pecuniary opportunity that doesn't feel morally right?
You know what you think, probably. You know what your religion ordains for you. But you don't know what society will think of you. Society's values may differ from your own - in a society which values materialism above all else - being an honest man may not be an asset - it may be a liability. Or an impediment to wealth and stature.
Are you willing to pay the price of being the odd one out in society? Most people don't want to - social conformity is more about being accepted and sometimes, has very little to do, with being right.
Most of us, don't want to be right - we want to be accepted by the bigger crowd. So we conform to all of its expectations - we dress accordingly, we talk in a certain way and we follow all the values that would get us accepted, with open arms. We want to blend in, to be part of a bigger grouping. We shape the things we want, to the things others find cool. There's a sense of security in uniformity of values.
And somewhere along the way, we frown upon individuals and individual thinking. We frown on non-conformity. We frown on people who are neither nor there - just middle of the road and seemingly undecided, on their social and moral standing. In Rome, do as the Romans do, people say. But what happens when you refuse to do so?
Sometimes, the choices you make will decide whether you're in or out. And most times, in social groupings, the choice is that simple: Are you in or are you out? Conform or get rejected.
(Those that don't drink or smoke in a club in KL, nowadays, will know exactly what I mean. These are awkward times, to be middle of the road. Much has changed in the last 10-15 years)
*********************************************************
In the last few days, I've pondered my choices in life. And the price that I've paid for it.
There are some choices that I don't regret.
Of not becoming an UMNO member, because I still don't believe in a race-based approach in Malaysian politics and because I believe that politics should be about contribution and not about benefitting from the contracts gravy train, which is the main reason, why most of my peers are in UMNO.
Of standing by my principles, even when it would have been more lucrative not to do so. I remember when the CEO (Mr. No Backbone) offered to make me VP of The Company, if I toed the company line on The Program.
The CEO told me that I could join the Company but I would have to leave my team "outside" and to silently betray the Government's original objectives of The Program. The team were not necessarily welcome there and I might be asked to dismantle them. I was to their bidding and to forget all the things that so many have fought for, in the previous few years.
I refused, stuck to my guns, voluntarily resigned and battled to save The Program from the outside - much to the CEO's annoyance.
The external pressure the NGO exerted from the outside to the Government, finally made The Beast leave The Company and The Program is still alive today in it's original form, albeit a bit battered. But it still holds great potential for the future, under my successor's (my former deputy) steady leadership.
I could have stayed on, sold out on my principles and continued earning a cushy five figure salary and cut a much more attractive bachelor, as the youngest VP in The Company. But some things are not for sale - EVER.
But yes, I'm still poor today, by conscious choice. I'm starting all over again as a struggling businessman, in a new start-up with a lot of potential.
And yes, there are times when I wonder how different life would be, if I was less rigid on my principles and more conformist to the norm. Whether some of the women I had a relationship with, would look at me differently - as a prospective husband candidate. It's an interesting thought to entertain.
But it's a fleeting thought. I have absolutely no regrets on that decision - although it was one that had momentarily, made me less successful.
*******************************************************
But there are decisions that I regret and where the price of consequences, I have unwisely overlooked. And this will be one of the frankest admissions I've ever made in my life. But it's necessary - for me to acknowledge it. No matter how uncool it makes me look.
One of the main one decisions is my prolific search for a wife, after my divorce. Believing that trial and error and getting to know someone was the only way to succeed, there were many "candidates" that I've inadvertantly hurt, once I realized that they were not the one.
I didn't think there was anything wrong with it. If I failed with one person, I immediately moved on to a next "dating" candidate within weeks, if not months. If I was not in love with the person - then surely, I should try harder to find someone that I was truly in love with.
Nothing in my life, comes without effort. And as far as I was concerned, I was putting in the effort - to be married again. To start a family.
It was a simple reasoning. So simple, that it can only be thought-up of by a simpleton. Like me.
And in my effort, there have been many women that I've got an opportunity to know better and attempted to feel true love for. There were many hearts that have been broken, due to some gross misjudgement of my own feelings. All of them were good people and I regret the hurt that I've caused them.
And I found two, that I fell MADLY in love with and I've been hurt, both times in a triangle of sorts. Had any of these 2 said yes to me, I'd be married in a few months, if not now.
But all this effort, to be married again - had partly caused me my reputation. Within some parts of my peer group - I became known as a "player" - perhaps, judged from the number of women that I had been dating and the negative outcomes, that are attached to it.
In fact, I remember when N told me that her sister (someone whom I regarded as a relatively close friend) warned her about me and said - "that one's a player". Thankfully, in the short time that she was with me, she decided to go beyond the cover and to read the book by herself. Recently, I've had the same phrase repeated to me by some other friends, whom I thought knew me better.
But this is not how society works. For the large part, I think our society still believes that love, fate and jodoh are supposed to come to you - it's not something you look for, actively - like Indiana Jones hunting for treasure.
There's sort of this unsubstantiated belief that life will provide you one, when the time comes. And it's based on nothing, but faith.
I believe it, too. But I also believe in effort. And not sitting there and waiting for things to fall out of the sky. We make our own luck dengan ikhtiar - after all, God helps those help themselves, right?
However, my blindside was that I did not see how society would perceive and judge my "effort".
Some think that I'm deliberately going out there, to break hearts - that I'm a "player". Some think that I'm not thinking and just falling too hard, too fast and sometimes, for too many people. (And sadly, there is some truth to that, in a few past instances).
Some think that I come across as desperate. And yes, there is some truth to that. I'm desperate to find the right person, to enter into holy matrimony. I'm desperate to have a family, that I can love and shower with affection. I just know that I'd make a great father and hopefully, at least, a good husband.
I'm desperate to have a life that has meaning, beyond contribution, personal achievement and success, however it is measured. What is the meaning of all this - if I am alone and if I die alone, unnoticed?
And they've all told me this - friends who care enough, to be frank and honest.
And I guess it's here that I have to apologise, not for my effort, but for not being aware enough of how society may perceive my actions. And perhaps, for hurting so many people, with my uncontained zeal.
My intentions were straighforward and although my attempts were manifold and prolific - I never considered the women I've dated, as mere statistics. There was something special about all and each one of them, some attribute or another that I would find attractive and appealing in a wife and if it's any consolation, I'm still on talking terms (or at least, writing terms), with all of them.
But intentions alone are only half the story. Our actions (and the consequences of our actions) speak volumes louder about who we are, to society. Inadvertantly, in society's eyes - I have become a "player", albeit an accidental one.
I don't want to be known as a "player", because I'm not and it keeps away all the good people from knowing me. I just want to be a family man. I'm getting older and I guess I've decided that the current way, is NOT the way I want to live my life. And I make no apologies for it.
But I aim to be more mindful about my future actions and to consider how others would perceive it. We live in a society and although society isn't always right - being a non-conformist individual, should always have its limitations. (Especially, when it leads to a negative moral perception)
Lest we ignore it and allow a mistaken interpretation of our past, to shape a wrongful outcome of our future.
posted by Stingrayz | 7:34 AM
19 Comments:
Someone said feedback is bad for the ego but good for the soul. Hard to swallow bitter medicine.
1. Unethical behaviour will not pay off in the long run. I have just found out about one senior bank officer who who had abused some privileges and treated some people shabbily. Word got around to upper management and the person has been asked to leave, just a few years short of retirement. It may have paid off in the earlier years where you could reign supreme over your little fiefdom but in the end, it will hurt you.And what's more, people lose respect for you and you end up having very few friends.
So if you stuck to your guns, you shouldn't be regretting the decision or wondering what if. If you are having second thoughts, then you should ask yourself whether the principles are still yours.
2. On your social life, if the feedback came from more than one source, it pays to pay attention (as you are doing, obviously). You sure you aren't falling in and out of "lust" instead of "love" with the ladies?
Anonymous:
Thanks for the feedback. :)
On 1) - am not regretting the decision. It's the correct one and I'd make the same decision again, faced with the same position again.
Was just trying to point that all decisions, even the ones that feel right, comes with a price. It doesn't make life any easier for us - even if we sleep great at night.
The acid test is whether one is willing to pay the price, of the road less taken.
The principle is still mine - and I'm still walking it.
On whether unethical behaviour pays or not, it doesn't pay in the next life, perhaps - but this world never made any promises of a good outcome, for those who try to be good.
Look around you - there are boundless examples of people who have gotten away with it.
0n 2) - if I was to be honest, there were many times in the past when I thought that I had fallen for someone - when all it is, is just a very strong comfort zone, for someone who is starved for affection.
And yes, such mistaken judgements on my side have hurt people - and it hurts me, to know that I've inadvertantly hurt them.
But the moment I know that it's not love or when I know that the person is not the one - I make the lines known and clear, immediately.
No point leading on anyone, if it's not leading to marriage. Or just keeping them around, because I need someone. It wouldn't be fair.
But each mistake, lessens my naivety on people, mistaken interpretations and perceptions.
I try to learn from it - so that I don't hurt anyone else or myself, in the process anymore. I'm more cautious now.
But I'm a liberal, both good or bad.
Physical attraction or or a more extreme "lust" as some would term it, is always a component in being attracted to the opposite gender.
But it's never the leading component - the heart always overrides everything else. I'm still very much a romantic at heart.
And when it's really love - it usually shows. And the impact is deeper and much longer lasting. And the patience and forgiveness, seems to be limitless - good or bad.
I guess the key has always been knowing myself better, knowing others better and not letting this sheer desire to have a family, overwhelm my judgement.
It was easier when Mum was alive - being matchmade by your parents, is seen as a "proper" way to get to know women.
But now, I guess the more you try, the more prolific your attempts - the higher the chances you take of being called a "player".
There are no easy solutions to this. Each one of us does what is most acceptable to ourselves, regardless of whether we are happy or unhappy with the situation.
It's just most people prefer to feign happiness, after a while.
I prefer not to, because I'd always want to know - between the realities that make us happy and the realities that we only settle for.
Dulu dulu,we don't fall in love,we just get married and live happily ever after.
And, this is still the mentality of the average happening people of today.
No one falls in love anymore dear, semua nak hidup senang.
Hang in there..one day your princess will come,and you will fall in love.
Anonymous:
I guess I've been spoilt with role models in that sense - there are many of my friends and acquaintances that have married for love (and yes, before the others jump on the bandwagon - I know that love alone is not enough.
(I know this, because even if they put both their incomes together - hidup will still not be senang. And most times, the girl looks like she could have done better, if she wanted to. Or if love wasn't important to her)
Am not looking for a princess - just looking for a Cinderella, that can fit the shoes. Many have been blessed with one - why not me?
And to live happily ever after,... ;) Heh!
Noni:
Good advice.
Yes, am trying to do what's best for me (although the landscape is challenging, to say the least)and to learn from past experiences, not to hurt others or myself.
I agree that at the end of the day - it's what matters to me that counts.
But in our society, there's always this tricky ecosystem relationship between what you intend, how you act it out and how you're perceived by society.
And we can't ignore it - because sometimes, how we're perceived, will eventually affect what we intended.
Norm-breakers always pay the highest price in our society. And that's why conformity is so secure and appealing.
No one can fault that - who doesn't want to be accepted, right?
To inject some levity into this very serious topic ... I am glad the word simpleton is used in the correct context this time. Lol!!
Xena:
Yes. :) Cats are slow learners but when they do learn it, the lesson sticks. Haha!
It is good to know what you want and what you stand for in life.
Just be glad that you've made your choices and you're content with them. Not everyone can say that. :)
As for the 'player' part, hmm.. i totally agree with noni. Why should everyone else kesah with you being picky and all. After all, you're the one who will live together forever (ideally) with the woman you choose. But maybe the reason that ppl think that you're a player is because the turnover rate is a tad bit too fast which makes other ppl think that you're not even trying when you decide it's never gonna work out, generally speaking lah, cos i don't know you personally. When it comes to matters of heart, it's hard to blame the person involve. The heart likes what it likes, wants what it wants. It doesn't rationalize.
Aiyoh, what crap la i wrote. As if i know what i'm talking about. haha
Ray, bro, in your career and business don't take shortcuts, at this stage. IMHO it is better to build a good foundation and reputation, which will carry you through. If you take shortcuts now, you could end up an En. No Backbone yourself. Confidence comes from knowledge, experience and integrity.
One of the girls here in JKT told me that when Hishamuddin and UMNO Youth were in town for a convention, her rate shot up to 5 million Rph a night. Her normal going rate is only 700K. One can certainly gain easy money and the good life by joining UMNO. However to succeed, you need skills like ampu, cultivating relationships with the powerful (notice how they like to drop names) and being a lackey.
As for being a 'player' - are you shagging them (hahaha)? If not, then then, at least to me, your intentions are honorable.
Pojan:
I agree with your reading of the situation.
I think the "turnover rate" was a bit too high for people in our society to accept - and I don't fault them, for thinking that.
I fault myself for thinking that people would understand things, the way I did.
As far as I was concerned, I was just in search of something and you don't stop trying until you find it.
And I guess, this would have been an acceptable trait to others, if the subject-matter of pursuit, were not human beings.
But we live and learn, don't we?
I'll slow down. Or at least, I'll try - publicly. (God, I'm so hopeless at this)
Babu:
Good point in not taking short-cuts. Interesting story on the UMNO boys, you related.
So far, I've been lucky, I guess - I've never had to actively pursue a job or an opportunity - it always seems to roll over and be offered to me, somehow - both good and bad, successful projects and attempted failures.
As for your question - the only answer I'll give is that I'm a liberal,....but not always.
And I guess, I should stop assuming that everyone who takes an interest in me, is a liberal too and is nonchalant about such things.
Sometimes, the assumption is wrong and it hurts others - which has led to much regret, on my side.
Trying to be better. Seems to be a slow walk to a thousand miles.
Hi Ray. Kook thinks that there is nothing wrong with 'effort'. After all I, in my own way has made a great effort to look for my soul mate. I guess I was lucky that I did find The One. I did learn one thing though...in one's search....one shouldn't :
1) have too many candidates at one go - you'll never know the 'real' them. It takes time to know a person and if you have more than one candidate at a time, you will never know any of them well really. Where does that leave you? Back to square one, albeit with a more tarnished reputation.
2) look at places that you know will yield 'unsuitable' candidate. Why waste all that time and energy? You know what you want.....you should know where to look for them.
3) go into potential relationships with such high expectations or expecting a definite end result (i.e.marriage). That's when one makes mistakes......chasing after something that one think one must have. Relax bro and take one day at a time. The right one will come along. Just be patient.
Some people go through life and not even have one tenth of your luck or fortune with women. You've been blessed with marriage to a great woman (admittedly it did not end well but you did marry for what you thought the right reasons at that time....the courtship must have given you some great moments), relationships with some wonderful women as well. You know you can pull the girls....why not just observe, make friends and when you know the right one is in your vicinity, make your move then. Don't have to be a romeo to all the girls you like. Just the one that you KNOW for sure has the 'right' qualities for you. Less painful this way doncha think?
Anonymous/Kook:
Hey there, stranger. Glad you dropped by the blog. Hope the weather is good in the UK.
Read your e-mail recently and am envious that you're deliriously happy with your hubby. But I'm very happy for you, Kook. :)
As usual, you give sound and practical counsel to me. That's what I've missed about not having you around in Malaysia, dear.
I'm coming to the same conclusion as you on 1) and 2), but I'm not sure I can help the desire for 3) - but I will try harder, not to expect.
But yes, you're right.
I should only spare the effort and emotional investment for those that are absolutely "there", on the absolutely sure scale and where my feelings are reciprocated.
It will take some self-restraint, though - knowing me. ;)
Keep dropping by the blog, dear. I need your level head, around. :)
My warmest regards to the Lucky Man. :)
Hope you do not read too much into the UMNO story; the girl just mentioned it casually in her comments abt Malaysians. However, 700K is a price for a very "good" girl in JKT. It is also the asking price in one of the better clubs, which means you can go cheaper. 5 million Rph means they are setting the bar for only the best! Doesn't that make you want to join UMNO? But like I said, IMHO it is better to build up your knowledge and experience first without getting sidetracked. You can join UMNO later when you need the contacts and influence to further your business.
Ray, pardon, my english is not so good. One of the lines should read:
It is also the asking price in one of the better clubs, which means you can go cheaper depending on your nego skills ;).
Babu:
No worries. Joining UMNO is certainly not one of the top 100 priority things to do, in my life, right now.
I've already chosen my avenues of contribution to Malaysia - and I'm relatively happy with it.
There are some ways where you don't have to tolerate the corrupt, just to do good.
Here is my dua sen worth assessment of your travails:
While your niat is baik and honorable, the effect of your actions may not be different from that of a "player". In fact, some players may get less action than you!
At least with the players, the girls know where they stand and are less likely to get hurt. With you, one of your main attractions and asset to some of the girls is that you are marriageable material (after all, by your admission, you are not rich and influential). The girls can become very emotionally attached and get really hurt when you dump them :( Especially if you get to shag them (hahaha).
You are less likely to succeed with the type of girls you really like :(, the datin wannabes, because they prefer rich and successful men (these type of babes do not fit into your 'role model' scenario).
So whatcha gonna do? Continue to 'play' around (or be perceived to) and break more hearts, and gain the ire of all your 'mak ayams'?
May be you should:
1. Change your taste in women, or
2. Focus on your business career to become rich and successful to win the babes you want, or
3. Learn to play golf
4. Come over to JKT for shagging now and then :) or
5. All of the above
If you choose option 2, you've gotta do it before you are 42 yrs old.
Heh heh heh
Babu:
Pretty astute analysis, bro'. And perhaps, it best explains the unintended result.
On your suggestions:-
1) Change my taste in women - NO CAN DO. Has been tried, before. And the cost was pretty high for all parties, believe me.
2)Am in the process of doing that - I don't think I'll ever be truly rich but yes, am looking to be comfortable enough before 40, to be semi-retire and able to continue my postgraduate studies, work for fun or do national service.
3) I hate golf. No can do. But are there a lot of nice women on the golf course?
4) Not likely. Jakarta brings back bad memories.
5) Looks like 2) is the only option, I have left.
But honest to goodness, it doesn't necessarily have to be a Datin-wannabe. I don't think we should generalize the type.
I've never really been with a gold-digger, ever. All the girls I've fallen for always have enough pride to offer to pay, when they think they should.
So, Babu - according to your given options - I'm screwed, aren't I? ;D
Maybe I should just do a will now and leave everything I have to an orphanage, if things are that bleak,...
Ray, bro, just make your own judgements and go with the flow.
I have a friend (actually a friend's brother) who gained the reputation of being a player after his divorce. He was so notorious that one of my ex-girlfriends mentioned him by profile but not name - and I told her I know him. Eventually he found someone and got married again. There's hope for you!
Hmm, forgot to mention - he comes from a well-to-do family, and is reasonably good looking and successful in his own right. I am sure you have some or all of these traits - otherwise you won't have had all those babes falling for you! heh heh heh
Babu:
There's nothing like stories of others who have been there and survived, that inspires one to plod on. :) Thanks for that story, Babu.
As for the attributes - I don't have a family anymore (as in parents) and I have a forehead that is gradually advancing with age. Not a good omen. :D
But yes, perhaps there is hope to be reasonably successful, one day - even if I do make it difficult for myself, to have the good life, sometimes.
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