Awake and Battle Weary
It's close to 5 a.m. and I'm blogging because I can't sleep.
I make it sound like it's the first morning that I haven't been able to sleep. It's not.
For the last month or so, I haven't been able to sleep properly - and it's getting worse. It's been ages since I last used the big bed in the room, because it feels too big and quiet for me to sleep on. I've been sleeping in front of the TV, on a thin mattress beside my yoga mat - and the last voice that puts me to sleep at night, is the television's.
If I'd care to admit it, in the last month or so, I've treated myself better.
I don't let people get away with things they shouldn't get away with and with this emotional fast, I try to keep things straight and simple - with a great degree of restraint - and to simply float in a space of existence - without any emotional dreams or disappointment.
Life is easier when you don't take risks with your emotions.
When you stop from throwing yourself into another emotional train-wreck, simply because you don't think you should give up on attempting to make things better.
When you stop jumping into relationships unless you're with a person that makes you feel alive, simply with a tender look, a loving smile and whom you have seemingly limitless patience for.
When you know what you want, what it looks like, how it feels like inside - and you know this not out of theory - but because you've revisited that same emotional point, over and over again - peppered with so many of the trials and errors - that accompany the effort of the possibility that things could begin, progress or end, in a different way.
At this point in my life - and with as many mistakes that I've made - I know when it's love - truly, madly, deeply - and I know when I'm trying to fool myself, into thinking that love could grow.
Sometimes, I'm exhausted and I forget for a while - when the part of my mind that focuses on the present, tells me to explore possibilities that I've literally run through many, many times in real life - and I almost forget that I could hurt myself, if not others, by trying when I don't really mean or want to.
I know myself now, in matters of the heart - theoretically and exhaustively tried and tested.
I'm an incurable romantic - and I can move mountains on sheer love and passion alone, if I'm in love with someone. And if it's reciprocated - you will see me do some really spectacular things in life. It's the sort of person I am - it's all or nothing.
It's not a choice, really - it's how I'm built inside, emotionally. All or nothing. Love or loneliness. Euphoria or emptiness. Great passion or sheer indifference. I simply cannot compromise on the choices the heart makes. God knows I've tried.
It's not that I've not tried the middle path of compromise - it's just that the results of these attempts have always been heartbreaking - either for me, or the people who have tried to love me. And I'm not the sort of person that can sustain a pretense for long - sooner or later, if it's not who I am, the cracks will begin to show.
Knowing (and I mean really knowing) the person that you are, is the first step. Patiently accepting the person that you are, (even if it puts you into an unhappy corner, for the time being) is a second difficult step. Staying the course, persevering and continuing on the track of what defines you as a loving being - is the hardest third step of all.
I wish for better nights of sleep.
The sleep that I need at night. The waking sleep that I have in the day when I work and occupy myself to the sheer point of exhaustion at night - so that I don't have t notice - that I don't quite have an emotional and familial end, to all these worldly efforts. And that without love and family, the efforts for money, fame and success is not as meaningful as it should be, to me.
I don't have any answers for now. I know that I don't want to hurt (greatly) anymore and I don't want to hurt anyone anymore.
I want to be kinder and more respectful of myself and yet to give others the love and respect due to them, because they've earned it - or simply because I want to give them, more than they deserve.
Every day, I find that little bit more strength to carry on - because of the people around me - the friendships of people who are loyal and generous with their time and attention, sometimes to a fault - and I'm lucky to have them - even if over time, I'm still learning to separate the wheat from the chaff.
Meanwhile, I go on with my life and I do my best with my work (and my uncompromising stand that the end does not justify the means, even in the business world) and my relationship with close friends, eking out every ounce of joy, out the sincere reciprocal act of giving and receiving, caring and being cared for - from some of the most emotionally generous people in the world, despite their busy schedules.
And I try to take the 3 steps of being who I am, in matters of the heart - to know, to accept and to persevere - and hope that somewhere along the line, sleep will not elude me as much, nor the peace I seek for, within.
**********************************************
On another note, I want to talk for a while on cynicism.
All my life, I've always asked why so many old people, become hardened and cynical in their outlook on life. I always wondered why - and for some of these people, I know that they were the most inspiring of people, in their younger days - successful, positive, vibrant and nothing short of mercurial in effort, if not results.
I wondered whether there was a definite turning point - or whether it's something corrosive that gradually eats up the faith that you have - in people and situations.
And almost all of my adult life - I've battled hard against cynicism - simply because I think that it not only erodes the human spirit and it's a contagious social disease - it's much easier to prepare and set yourself up for disappointment with low expectations of yourself (and others) and in your ability to make a difference.
After all, it's much easier to blame the world and all the evil that comes beating down your door. To accept it, to never be disappointed, to give up on people and situations, before you even try.
And sooner or later, you find yourself pulling out (or worse, playing the dirty game) and totally focusing on what benefits you and you justify it by saying "everybody does this" or things like "this how things are in Malaysia, just accept it-lah" or "I'm just a cog in the wheel".
Cynicism cannot and does not create. It is the quiet evil seedling that teaches you to give up on life and others and to recoil, into your cavernous and selfish existence. It creates people who refuse to fight and who have learned to give up early on, so they don't have to face the prospect of failure or disappointment, ever.
But over time - I'm beginning to consciously learn, why (and how) cynicism creeps up on you.
It creeps up on you, when people close to you and whom you care about tremendously, hurt you deeply.
It creeps up on you when you witness the undeserving and unmeritorious, take the lion's share of life's opportunities, through less than palatable methods.
It creeps up on you when you feel that you have been used by loved ones and friends and some of them, would not give a damn about you, if it doesn't benefit them, in any way.
It creeps up on you, when the governance system in your company or country fails you - and continues failing you - despite all your hard work, to make things better.
It creeps up on you, when you hardly see the kindness of loved ones and when you're constantly bombarded by the hard path and the calamities in your life, through no fault of your own, like losing loved ones through man-made tragedies (like the Highland Towers one), abandonment of your parents or the bitter divorce of your parents.
It creeps up on you, when you have been disappointed repeatedly, by people or situations, that you unwittingly find yourself in - regardless of how you try to modify your approach to the situation.
It creeps on you when your heroes or leaders you look up to - sell out on their principles and compromises the interest of others, for the sake of obtaining ill-gotten wealth.
Most importantly of all, cynicism gets the better of you - when you've exhausted all your emotional reserves and faith in people and situations - and the possibility of constructive change, no matter how slim the chances may look.
Cynicism gets the better of you - when you're afraid to get hurt again and when it's easier to erect a great wall of disbelief and expected disappointments - so that regardless of what disaster happens - you've "expected"it and you can't get hurt.
We negatively harden ourselves inside to protect against hurt and disappointment - it happens to the best of us, it happens to the rest of us.
Having gone through the last few difficult years since 2003, has taught me the why's and how's of cynicism. I realize why people do it and I realize why people get to that point, in their lives. People generally, do not have deep wells of faith, forgiveness and understanding - for other people and situations, which disappoint them.
Although understanding it - does not make me accept it, any better.
Simply because we don't have an alternative to rejecting cynicism - any other choice by the collective, leaves us much poorer for it - because a decision to not get disappointed, is a decision to not hope.
And how can things ever change for the better, if we even refuse to entertain, the possibility of hope?
****************************************
The sun is coming up soon and work beckons. Sleep eludes me for another day.
Maybe I'll have better luck, tomorrow night.
I guess I need to believe that it can.
I make it sound like it's the first morning that I haven't been able to sleep. It's not.
For the last month or so, I haven't been able to sleep properly - and it's getting worse. It's been ages since I last used the big bed in the room, because it feels too big and quiet for me to sleep on. I've been sleeping in front of the TV, on a thin mattress beside my yoga mat - and the last voice that puts me to sleep at night, is the television's.
If I'd care to admit it, in the last month or so, I've treated myself better.
I don't let people get away with things they shouldn't get away with and with this emotional fast, I try to keep things straight and simple - with a great degree of restraint - and to simply float in a space of existence - without any emotional dreams or disappointment.
Life is easier when you don't take risks with your emotions.
When you stop from throwing yourself into another emotional train-wreck, simply because you don't think you should give up on attempting to make things better.
When you stop jumping into relationships unless you're with a person that makes you feel alive, simply with a tender look, a loving smile and whom you have seemingly limitless patience for.
When you know what you want, what it looks like, how it feels like inside - and you know this not out of theory - but because you've revisited that same emotional point, over and over again - peppered with so many of the trials and errors - that accompany the effort of the possibility that things could begin, progress or end, in a different way.
At this point in my life - and with as many mistakes that I've made - I know when it's love - truly, madly, deeply - and I know when I'm trying to fool myself, into thinking that love could grow.
Sometimes, I'm exhausted and I forget for a while - when the part of my mind that focuses on the present, tells me to explore possibilities that I've literally run through many, many times in real life - and I almost forget that I could hurt myself, if not others, by trying when I don't really mean or want to.
I know myself now, in matters of the heart - theoretically and exhaustively tried and tested.
I'm an incurable romantic - and I can move mountains on sheer love and passion alone, if I'm in love with someone. And if it's reciprocated - you will see me do some really spectacular things in life. It's the sort of person I am - it's all or nothing.
It's not a choice, really - it's how I'm built inside, emotionally. All or nothing. Love or loneliness. Euphoria or emptiness. Great passion or sheer indifference. I simply cannot compromise on the choices the heart makes. God knows I've tried.
It's not that I've not tried the middle path of compromise - it's just that the results of these attempts have always been heartbreaking - either for me, or the people who have tried to love me. And I'm not the sort of person that can sustain a pretense for long - sooner or later, if it's not who I am, the cracks will begin to show.
Knowing (and I mean really knowing) the person that you are, is the first step. Patiently accepting the person that you are, (even if it puts you into an unhappy corner, for the time being) is a second difficult step. Staying the course, persevering and continuing on the track of what defines you as a loving being - is the hardest third step of all.
I wish for better nights of sleep.
The sleep that I need at night. The waking sleep that I have in the day when I work and occupy myself to the sheer point of exhaustion at night - so that I don't have t notice - that I don't quite have an emotional and familial end, to all these worldly efforts. And that without love and family, the efforts for money, fame and success is not as meaningful as it should be, to me.
I don't have any answers for now. I know that I don't want to hurt (greatly) anymore and I don't want to hurt anyone anymore.
I want to be kinder and more respectful of myself and yet to give others the love and respect due to them, because they've earned it - or simply because I want to give them, more than they deserve.
Every day, I find that little bit more strength to carry on - because of the people around me - the friendships of people who are loyal and generous with their time and attention, sometimes to a fault - and I'm lucky to have them - even if over time, I'm still learning to separate the wheat from the chaff.
Meanwhile, I go on with my life and I do my best with my work (and my uncompromising stand that the end does not justify the means, even in the business world) and my relationship with close friends, eking out every ounce of joy, out the sincere reciprocal act of giving and receiving, caring and being cared for - from some of the most emotionally generous people in the world, despite their busy schedules.
And I try to take the 3 steps of being who I am, in matters of the heart - to know, to accept and to persevere - and hope that somewhere along the line, sleep will not elude me as much, nor the peace I seek for, within.
**********************************************
On another note, I want to talk for a while on cynicism.
All my life, I've always asked why so many old people, become hardened and cynical in their outlook on life. I always wondered why - and for some of these people, I know that they were the most inspiring of people, in their younger days - successful, positive, vibrant and nothing short of mercurial in effort, if not results.
I wondered whether there was a definite turning point - or whether it's something corrosive that gradually eats up the faith that you have - in people and situations.
And almost all of my adult life - I've battled hard against cynicism - simply because I think that it not only erodes the human spirit and it's a contagious social disease - it's much easier to prepare and set yourself up for disappointment with low expectations of yourself (and others) and in your ability to make a difference.
After all, it's much easier to blame the world and all the evil that comes beating down your door. To accept it, to never be disappointed, to give up on people and situations, before you even try.
And sooner or later, you find yourself pulling out (or worse, playing the dirty game) and totally focusing on what benefits you and you justify it by saying "everybody does this" or things like "this how things are in Malaysia, just accept it-lah" or "I'm just a cog in the wheel".
Cynicism cannot and does not create. It is the quiet evil seedling that teaches you to give up on life and others and to recoil, into your cavernous and selfish existence. It creates people who refuse to fight and who have learned to give up early on, so they don't have to face the prospect of failure or disappointment, ever.
But over time - I'm beginning to consciously learn, why (and how) cynicism creeps up on you.
It creeps up on you, when people close to you and whom you care about tremendously, hurt you deeply.
It creeps up on you when you witness the undeserving and unmeritorious, take the lion's share of life's opportunities, through less than palatable methods.
It creeps up on you when you feel that you have been used by loved ones and friends and some of them, would not give a damn about you, if it doesn't benefit them, in any way.
It creeps up on you, when the governance system in your company or country fails you - and continues failing you - despite all your hard work, to make things better.
It creeps up on you, when you hardly see the kindness of loved ones and when you're constantly bombarded by the hard path and the calamities in your life, through no fault of your own, like losing loved ones through man-made tragedies (like the Highland Towers one), abandonment of your parents or the bitter divorce of your parents.
It creeps up on you, when you have been disappointed repeatedly, by people or situations, that you unwittingly find yourself in - regardless of how you try to modify your approach to the situation.
It creeps on you when your heroes or leaders you look up to - sell out on their principles and compromises the interest of others, for the sake of obtaining ill-gotten wealth.
Most importantly of all, cynicism gets the better of you - when you've exhausted all your emotional reserves and faith in people and situations - and the possibility of constructive change, no matter how slim the chances may look.
Cynicism gets the better of you - when you're afraid to get hurt again and when it's easier to erect a great wall of disbelief and expected disappointments - so that regardless of what disaster happens - you've "expected"it and you can't get hurt.
We negatively harden ourselves inside to protect against hurt and disappointment - it happens to the best of us, it happens to the rest of us.
Having gone through the last few difficult years since 2003, has taught me the why's and how's of cynicism. I realize why people do it and I realize why people get to that point, in their lives. People generally, do not have deep wells of faith, forgiveness and understanding - for other people and situations, which disappoint them.
Although understanding it - does not make me accept it, any better.
Simply because we don't have an alternative to rejecting cynicism - any other choice by the collective, leaves us much poorer for it - because a decision to not get disappointed, is a decision to not hope.
And how can things ever change for the better, if we even refuse to entertain, the possibility of hope?
****************************************
The sun is coming up soon and work beckons. Sleep eludes me for another day.
Maybe I'll have better luck, tomorrow night.
I guess I need to believe that it can.
posted by Stingrayz | 1:46 PM
14 Comments:
This 'tidur depan tv' thing - not a good thing. It makes you more depressed. Try reading a good book, the ones that you read when you were younger, the ones that inspired you. Or open a page in the Qur'an - I'm constantly amazed at how spot-on this has been for me personally, I often find myself opening a page to a sentence that gives me the answers I want.
Cynicism is indeed a dangerous thing. It destroys hopes and dreams, and it's contagious.
You should bring groucho to bed with you!!! LOl!!!
so.. hope after pancakes and movie you had a good night's sleep?? ; )
bila kita nak meet up ni??
Najah:
Good advice, dear. :)
Although reading comes harder for me, nowadays - I think too much of SMSing is giving me a shorter attention span.
Xena:
Groucho the giant stuffed tiger, has a constant frown - not very good company. :)
Lita:
Even pancakes and movies (we went to karaoke, actually) cannot solve my sleeping woes. :)
Let's meet up over the weekend? It's been a long, long time since we last got together.
By the way, I bumped into Alex's sister-in-law today at KLCC - she's a hot cookie, selling hot cookies. :D
I'm sleeping in front of the telly too...I cant sleep either....
Cycinism...yeah...contagious...
Get yourself a massage chair. I bought one recently, together with an eye massager. Using both of them helps me a lot, especially recently when I have a lot on my mind. Sometimes I fall asleep when just massaging the legs and eyes.
I bought an Ogawa, and driving a hard bargain managed to get the chair and eye massager for less than $5,500. I think Denki has a cheaper model with slightly less features. You can also get cheaper models still, but you should compare the features first.
PS. Ya. Aku dah kembali ke KL.
lonelylonelywoman:
You've got to stop that sleeping in front of the telly, dear.
We shouldn't make a club, out of that sort of bad habit. :)
Time to give the TV a rest. I was at Borders yesterday and picked up a book! :)
Babu:
Welcome back, bro'! Have missed your Jakarta stories.
I do have a massage chair at home too (a cheapo one lah) with an electric acupuncture reflexology machine - but for some reason, I don't use them very often.
At the risk of a bad pun - these machines seem to rub me the wrong way. :D
kena beli yang branded sikit kot massage chair tu. heheh.
It's easy for married-with-kids to assume that all singles lead happy, carefree lives. Maybe they do, up to a point. Singledom was so long ago: I realised recently I had known my other half for 20 yrs already, meeting as we did in our teens.
Not seen Cinta yet - been quite busy, a lot on my mind, on both the work and personal fronts (though I've got the song "on" my Imeem playlist). My secretary reliably tells me, like you had, that it's one of the best. Will probably pick up the vcd at Speedy.
Any views on this year's Idol hopefuls? Thank God we can't vote from here - I have a Fanjaya in the family :) Can't explain it.
That cookie place at klcc is cozy, innit? Haven't been there in a while but it's the perfect place to enjoy a solitaire, a cuppa tea (no sugar cause cookie provides more than enough!) and a book.
Keep up the keeping-it-together!
Anon 2
Suara:
I think it's probably cheaper to change the body parts than it is to buy the branded chairs. ;)
Anon 2:
On singledom - there are times when it's great, but personally, I feel that singledom has an expiry date, when it ceases to be fun.
Even Adam in heaven was not made to be alone - what more us, in this world.
On Cinta - go buy the soundtrack and the DVD! :)
As for American Idol - I think Melinda Doolittle deserves to win - but my bet's on the bubbly Jordin Sparks. On the whole package - she's ahead of Melinda.
And I'm so glad Sanjaya is out - he made Mawi look good, honestly.
Yes, that cookie place is great - and that hot cookie managing it makes better! ;)
I trust Lydia is still single, isn't she ;)
Danyanova:
Siapa Lydia? Is THAT her name, dear?(*Stingray feigning innocence and ignorance*) ;)
Hey there..
Good to see that u still blog :)
Though i havent really been catching up with the latest for some time due to work..
I hope the sleep deprivation is getting better lately..lack of beauty sleep is never a good thing so i pray that it'll gets better for u in time to come k :)
At least ur emotional fast has been a great success so far from the sound of it so good 4 u!
As for cynism, i think its just one of those things that creeps up on u @ unexpected time usually but i tink its up to every individuals to choose how they want 2 deal with it..temptations seems too hard to resist sometimes..but i guess thats life..
ok i hope i dont bore u too much..i can actually write 4 ages sometimes haha..
take care
Aries213:
Welcome back, dear. :) Missed having your comments around.
The emotional fast has been good so far - I think it's coming up to close to 2 months now.
I've deeply appreciated the calmness that comes along with predictability.
And I think hanging around with people who don't take me for granted, really helps. I understand better the value of equitable reciprocity in a good friendship.
And yes, cynicism does creep up on you, if you let it.
And you may be surprised at the way it colours your perceptions of people, situations - and hope.
If you let it.
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