Of Break-Ups, Apples and Oranges

It was an amazingly civil break-up. No raised voices, no harsh exchanges of words, no venom expressed. It was a mutual decision - we understood each other's limits and constraints.

I bought her a gift for her birthday, even though I'm a few days early. (Probably because I already knew that I wouldn't be around her, by the time, her birhthday comes)

I bought her a bouquet of roses, which she's completely elated about. She cooked me a yummy home-cooked lunch and we ate together.


And then we had "the talk". It's been in the offing, for about a week now.

There was so much I wanted to say. There was so much that was rehearsed in my mind repeatedly - love, anger frustration, hope. And perhaps, some sincere advice too. I had an emotional diarrhoea, ready to burst out.

But when it came to the crunch, I felt it all irrelevant and unnecessary. The gist is that we both have our limits which we can tolerate. And constraints, that we have to work within. And I kept the things I said, to a bare minimum.

She was as cool as ice. If there were emotions under that fine exterior, it did not show.

In that sense, she and my mother would have been best friends - perhaps, they both consider emotions, a sign of weakness. Or maybe life has hardened them to a point, where the only emotions expressed, are to themselves.

And at this point in time, this relationship is not going to work. It'd be unhealthy to continue. Especially for me. Three's a crowd.

She spoke about him with admiration - perhaps, rationalizing why she was still in love with him and hanging on, to an unlikely mirage. Not that she needed to - I understand these sort of things perfectly, due to a wealth of past experiences. Too well, perhaps.

But I didn't feel as hurt as I thought I would, hearing her talk about him. I didn't feel inferior or defeated, compared to the other chap. We were just 2 very different people, with very different natures and circumstances. Just because she wants apples, doesn't make me a bad orange. (It took me 16 years to learn that)


Of course, I wish things would be different. But I've been around this block a few times before, enough to know that we don't always get what we want - regardless of how much more sense things make, compared to the alternative.

We laid down the ground rules. Reluctantly or otherwise, my conditions were mutually agreed on and accepted. Total radio silence. It was the only way that we're probably not going to walk down this path again, for the 3rd time.

And when it was all over and done with, she gave me one final goodbye hug. I said "thanks" and later, "I love you" one final time - and moved on. With warmth and smiles, in all civility possible.

And I didn't shed a single tear, until I was back in the confines of my home,....


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Breaking-up is never easy - even as you get older. The emotional impact can still be quite deep - especially, if the feelings are deep and intense.

But age and experience surrounding this familiar bend, has improved me, somewhat. As you understand more, your approach to things becomes more refined, over time. Almost surgical and mechanical, I would say.

The drama and theatrics has lessened, considerably. So has the venom.

And to a certain extent, there are fewer regrets, too. You risk your heart on the line again, but with your eyes wide open and with one part of your heart preserved, so that you don't go off the deep end.

(Like I did in the previous 3 major relationships before her, for instance, within the last 16 years,....)

You spend more time trying to understand why people act the way they do and the rationale behind their decisions and choices. And spend lesser time, trying to attribute fault or blame. And you begin to understand the differences between apples and oranges. And you accept it.

And that sometimes, it has nothing with the amount of effort, you put in. You're just NOT an apple. And no amount of effort would make you one - unless you want to be someone, that you're not.

Yes, it would have been nice, if people could be constantly clear and consistent on whether they want apples or oranges (and reflect such behaviour). But people being people, clarity and consistency, is a rare virtue. Perhaps, it comes with time and experience.


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Truth be told, it was good, while it lasted (even for the 2nd time).

I will miss her and I will miss the children, greatly. Nothing feels quite as good as a family. I'm making a mental note never to get into a relationship with another divorcee with children again - because the split from the children, gives an additional dimension to the pain of splitting up. It's a double whammy.

But Life goes on. It has to. You've just got to live, learn and continue. And pray for fewer errors of judgement and of giving others, too much benefit of the doubt.

But most of all - you need to find the strength, to never lose faith. In Life, in people, in happiness and in the belief that one day - someone you love, will learn to love you, for who you are.

Not for what you have or own. Not for what you provide them, for their own selfish motivations. Just for the person you are - the rest of the benefits, are just perks.

Just because you're an orange and she loves oranges. It shouldn't have to be so hard - it should feel like the most natural thing in the world. And I've been there before and it will happen again. God willing.

Keep the faith.