Just Love The Child

It was a pretty heavy conversation to have after watching Shrek 3 - but I guess both of us were feeling in that mood.

Zelda (not her real name) was pouring out her concerns and worries to me - about being a divorcee with a child - and how she regrets the circumstances that she feels that she's put the child through - not having a father or a constant father figure in his life.

From the way she related the story, it sounded like she blamed herself - even if the divorce was not her fault.

And she felt it a double whammy - being a product of a divorced family herself - and remembering how tough and awkward surviving public perception can be - and the "menumpang kasih" bit, with other people's families - wanting to belong, but knowing that you're not quite "in" the family.

But we did acknowledge that times have changed - and that children are less awkward nowadays (and sometimes, rather cheerful), about telling others about the state of their broken family - perhaps, a sign of the growing acceptance of divorces, within society - especially within the post-Merdeka "baby boom" generation.


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I pointed out to Zelda that coming from a broken or divorced family (at least, a civil one) may be the short-end of the stick in one sense - but it may be a hidden blessing in other ways.

Children with challenging family backgrounds generally do have a capacity to mature faster and understand more, than adults give them credit for. They empathize better with others and most times, they're less judgemental (unless they've got deep-seated insecurities, which they refuse to acknowledge). They're more resilient and not so easily rattled by the often disappointing nature of ordinary people.

Sometimes, they learn to value the important things more - like love, respect and commitment - because they try so hard to gain, what they've never had. And some make exceptional parents (even exceptional single parents) because of the love and stability they never had.

Of course, there are side-effects - not all products of a divorced family turn out well. Some carry the scars with them, all throughout their lives.

Some have problems trusting or letting go of themselves sufficiently to love, almost afraid to be happy, for fear of being vulnerable to heartbreaks and letdowns. Some just go on a destructive path and not understand the meaning of the word commitment, much less its observance.

Some just choose the wrong man/woman for all wrong reasons, as if compensating and in substitution, for the sort of man they feel they should not go for. And some - choose to be with exactly the sort of destructive man/woman - which ended the marriage of their own parents - almost like a suicidal pattern.


But this is not to say that if you're divorced, your children will end up in a bad way. And there's no reason we should believe so. Many products of divorced families go on to become exceptional lovers/spouses/parents - and it is due to their difficult past experiences.

It's not about quantity of people - it's about the quality of love given. A single parent that is focusedand showers constant love on a child, is better than having a set of parents, that are neither attentive or supportive.

So, this is what I say, Zelda - you're an exceptional person who have survived many challenges and you always want the best for your child. From the way you speak of him, he is the center of your universe, the only blessing from an unfortunate set of marital circumstances.

Just love your child - there's more than enough love there, that he will never feel short of. Perhaps the guilt or regrets never really do go away, but it's not what happens to you (or your child) that makes your life - it's what you make happen, as well.