Mimpi Pari

"The two hardest tests on the spiritual road are the patience to wait for the right moment and the courage not to be disappointed with what we encounter"

Name:
Location: Malaysia

Sunday, August 26, 2007

Menambat Rakit

This is one of my favourites from A. Samad Said - it usually consoles me when I'm feling sad or aggrieved - or simply trying to find and chart my way forward.

Play it again, Pak Samad. We never stop learning from you.

**************************

Menambat Rakit

Sesudah demikian lama dicintai,
sukarlah dilupakan,
Inti pengalaman, kepedihan;
akar kerinduan, keresahan

Memang begitu banyak
diperlukan kekuatan. Ke pengkalan
batin rakit ditambatkan,
bara kenangan dikuakkan.

Akhirnya, tak terduga, kekuatan
membuak sendiri. Dan disedari
semua takkan sampai ke dasar inti.

Tiada lagilah bezanya
sama ada hilangnya kemudian
atau tenggelamnya sekarang.

Tiada juga bezanya jika
langsung ia tak datang
atau tiba-tiba terkorban.

Kepiluan yang berlanjut
akhirnya ditenterami
keyakinan betapa dielak pun
takdir,
tetap terbuka pintunya,
bertanya:
Manusia, engkau ini sebenarnya
siapa?


Nukilan:
A. Samad Said
Mac 1985





Friday, August 24, 2007

Of Judging Books and Covers

Be it good or bad - I've hardly ever cared about how I appear to people.

Don't get me wrong - I'll be the first person to ask whether I've offended anyone and I willingly apologize when I think I'm wrong (and a great many times, even when I don't think I'm wrong - when it comes to the people I love) but I've never cared about how I physically appear to people.

And that's pretty strange considering I'm Kelantanese and it's in-built in Kelantanese men to be as shallow as the next man, if not more. Regardless of how much I try to convince other people and myself that I'm not that shallow - but the evidence would work against me, I think. People would think that I expect my partner to be attractive - and maybe they're right.

But the expectation does not extend to myself, somehow. I've never really bothered about keeping up appearances - of attractiveness, of wealth, or to evidence some form of stature, class or breeding.

Yes, I think that manners and humility are pre-requisites to show good breeding but everything else is a bogus indicator - money, big cars, qualifications, fashion, glamour, lineage, cultural snobbery, jingoistic behaviour, displays of overt religiosity or on the flipside, crass and hedonistic libertarianism, ala Western style.

I've always believed in keeping it real. I grew up rejecting Mum's materialistic fervour - we were not from a rich family, but we were far from poor - because I always felt that there was something unreal about the rich families that we hung around with (some of which were my aunties, uncles and cousins) - something pretentious and insecure and constantly asking for "more", in a material sense.

The extravagance seemed fake to me - I was surrounded by people who measured other people by how much money they had. I was repulsed by it - by how status was defined by what you have, instead of who you are.

People seemed to prefer the illusion of stature than the substance of class. People who seemed clever by their collection of academic and professional scrolls, but are short-sighted and almost always, emotionally or socially retarded. Or sometimes, just plain bad.


********************************

I grew up rejecting crass materialism and blind class-consciousness - because I thought it was fake. They didn't seem to have an identity - they were defined by anything and everything that money could buy.

Why should someone respect you just because you have more money? A bigger house? More posh cars than drivers, in the family? Isn't the real measure of wealth more of how a person utilizes that money to contribute and give to others? Isn't the measure of class, how you treat other people - how polite you are? How humble you are? How intelligent or wise you are?

There are loads of people out there living beyond their means on a credit binge - they've got more clothes and cars, than money and they're crippled by debt overhangs. But many people would see the manifestation of wealth - and think they're rich.

(I should know - my brother's exactly like that. Lebih baju dari badan - and most of the time, the extra cloth will come at someone else's expense)

It never made any sense to me - although I see droves of people who live their lives by ostentation and a material yardstick. So, I rejected it.

Of course, one has to be true to oneself. That's the easy part. The hard part about being true to oneself is when the principles you live by, are not understood by others. And it affects how they treat and perceive you.

I used to think that it didn't matter. If people judge a book purely by its cover - then they're not very intelligent people and there's nothing to lose by not keeping their company.


**********************

But maybe it does matter.

Maybe you can't entirely reject the values revered by your society - simply because they have no other lenses, to look at it from. Just because I decided to be different - doesn't mean that they will understand - or accept it.

No man is an island. All our actions and consequences are inter-related.

I've always been an avid observer and thinker of cause and consequence - constantly trying to understand why people (or society for that matter) are, the way they are.

Everyone is a product of inter-relationships - with family and loved ones, with friends, colleagues, etc - and the experiences that have arisen from them. The only thing that differentiates us, is how we let events (or the people) that happen to us, shape our lives, perceptions and outlook.


And recently, I found out that sometimes, things that we don't care about - may actually come back and haunt us.

For one, I've never cared whether I appeared to have money, to other people. It's a personal matter and none of their business.

Even if I out-earned them, or if I had more savings and investments than them, I had more assets and less debts than they do and even times of big fat salaries or bonuses - I have never let it shape, how I appear to other people.

And where I can financially help, I have helped - to both the deserving, the undeserving and the ingrates.


But I want people to like me for what's inside - for the person that I am, for my interests and passions, for my humour and laughter, for how I treat other people, for the advice and counsel I give them, for the non-judgemental listener when they're in a bad spot and for the times that I've been there, when it counts.

These are the things that matter to me. Not for what I wear, what car I drive, how big my house is, how big a corporate my employers are or how many overseas holidays I take a year. What's that got to do with anything?

But I forgot one thing - you don't change the yardstick of the world, just by rejecting it.

Regardless of how you feel about it - people will still judge you by the yardstick which they've always measured everything.


And your rejection of those values - the only perception that it serves to create, is the wrong one. By totally rejecting those values - you put yourself at a handicap, in the eyes of the world. Sometimes, it's more rational to the world to be financially irrational or to just stick to society's norms. Risk being the exception - and in their eyes, you're either a fool or a charlatan.

If you're financially prudent and you time your major purchases to get the best value possible - they think you're poor.

If you give up a high paying job on principles - you can only be stupid, because the alternative is unthinkable to them.

If you're not showy and you don't stay in a posh office because you believe that it's best to be prudent with your organization's monies - they think you're poor. Or worse, a con man, perhaps hiding in some shady corner of officedom.

If you work from a home office, they think you're a bum - despite the fact that work deadlines are being met, projects are running, tangible results are produced and money's being made for the organization.

If you prefer to work for an NGO and have rejected a five-figure salary job 3 times, because you value being effective and not just being a cog in the wheel - you're either a liar or stupid, or both.

If you don't drive and you take public transport - they think you're poor.

If you have 2 condos and don't drive - they think you're either poor, a liar or must be leeching off a rich family or someone else. Forget economic cycles, easy loans and financial management - it's easier to believe the worst, of someone - rather than find a rational explanation.

If you don't dress well, you don't eat at posh places to be seen, you like your T-shirts and slippers and your home doesn't look like an interior designer has been in it - you must be poor.


These are facts, folks - the cover is a very important of the book.

It's the first thing that catches their eye - and without further perusal - it is the only thing that plays on the emotions, persuading purchase.

And if you choose to have a cover that's not mainstream and is rarely understood or accepted - you will pay the price, ultimately.

Most people will never look beyond the cover of the book, to see what's inside. They've judged you from your appearance and that's all they need to know. They've made up their minds about you.


If you choose to be different - prepare to be left a lonely dusty book on the bookshelf of life. And you have no one else to blame, but yourself - because no matter how you explain it, the world will never see it from your perspective.

They don't know how to.

So, stop arguing with the world and sell out on your freaky individualistic tendencies.

If it takes a BMW to get some decent respect out here, then please go get one - even if you can't really afford one (hell, some of my friends do it!).

And never let an idealistic fool like me, convince you otherwise. Forget the book - the people of today buy covers. You're better off just being a glossy magazine.

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Author! Author! (At least for a few pages!)

I'm tingling with excitement!

This must be how an author feels to see his words in print, immortalized in a book. It's surreal and larger than life.

I was at the grand book launch of Datuk Liberal today. I'm one of his ghost writers for one of the chapters which is combined and co-written with another lady friend, Lady Primera (not her real name).

At least an entire section (and one-third of the chapter, of at least 6-8 pages) was written by me - my words, my points, my arguments. It's great to see my work in print, in a proper book. :) It beats cyberspace, hands down!

Of course, what disappointed me was that Lady Primera and I were the only ghost writers that were not indirectly acknowledged in a footnote somewhere, by Datuk Liberal.

But whatever disappointment I felt on that point was offset by the book foreword written by Tun Never Primus (not his real name), one of my favourite Malaysian statesman other than Tun Mahathir - which complimented and highlighted our particular chapter - and in particular, the section which I wrote.

That was probably the biggest compliment that I (or we) could ever receive. Our thoughts acknowledged by Tun Never Primus - immortalized in the foreword of the book! :) I was overjoyed!

It doesn't matter if no one else knows. I know, Lady Primera knows, our fellow ghost writers know and so do some close friends. No one can take that away from me. :)

Just when I thought that life has ceased to be novel and interesting - something comes along and surprises me and gives me a whole new kick!

And of course, I contemplate the idea - what about writing a book of my own, one day?

The itch is there and the voice echoes in my head - author! author!

Why not? :)

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Sunsets of August

I am by no means, superstitious - but August is usually a month of emotional misfortune for me.

So much so, that I begin to expect something to happen, each time August is here - it's like an August emotional "sunset".

I lost both my parents in the month of August, though 19 years apart - but the date of their funerals are only 3 days apart - one on the 21st and the other on the 24th.

I separated from my ex-wife in August, of a few years ago. I lost my first-ever serious relationship of 7 years, in August too, many, many years ago.

The Program was informally taken over by The Company in August of a few years ago, too.

And by the way things look right now - the August emotional "sunset" is about to repeat itself again.

If I wasn't so used to it by now, the regularity would be disturbing.

But this time, it came with a few more signs - it was foreseeable that things could end with a heartbreak - maybe on both sides.

I even had a dream about it - that I lost both my front teeth (which is usually a dream, warning me about impending death of a close one - an ability I've had since I was a young child, before my father passed away) and when I turned the tooth over to the other side - there was a heart beating there.

I took it as a premonition of the death of a relationship. Maybe it's not fated yet, I told myself - sometimes, men are given premonitions in order to change the outcome of what could come.

But by now, I should know better. The dreams are never wrong.

***********************************

At my age (and with the wealth of experience, I've had in relationships) - post-mortems are a little passe.

It's like revisiting an old playground, trying to find something new, each time - sooner or later, you find that there's nothing new to discover anymore. All playgrounds are somewhat similar in layout and playground toys.

After a while, it becomes all too familiar - you spot a pattern from a far away - sometimes, you don't even have to be looking in the playground anymore, to understand what has happened.

When a kid injures himself in a playground, it's always for the same reasons - they only hurt themselves when they choose to ignore age-old advice on being careful and learning the proper way to climb onto a see-saw or a swing or a slide. There's a natural order that must flow and be understood so that kids don't injure themselves, or other kids, for that matter.

It's when kids ignore these rules - and think themselves superhuman beyond the reach of playground rules and being hurt - that a fall usually happens. And a great big mighty injury, too. A deep wound or gash - perhaps, even resulting in a lasting scar.

And if one day, the kid learns the correct way to be in a playground - he may actually have fun without hurting himself. He must accept that he is not superhuman - his reach is finite, his enthusiasm blinding, his patience, not as unlimited as he thinks.

Otherwise, he will hurt himself. Again and again and again.

***************************

The thing about making (many) mistakes in one's life on a regular basis and learning from them - is that it teaches you to recognize what mistakes look and feel like.

As the mind tries to isolate each new situation to be fair to new people and situations, the heart and the hurt it feels, never lies and never forgets. You never forget how people made you feel. And from it, you learn to recognize general patterns of human behaviour and reactions - by trial and error.

It's important that we learn from past mistakes - to avoid future ones. Yes, our fate is partly in our hands, due to the persuasion of effort - but do recognize what it takes for something to work and whether the correct pre-conditions are there.

Some things fit. Some things don't - and some things will always refuse to fit and remain rigid and non-adaptive, stuck in a worldview that only invites conceit, selfishness and misery.

And over time, due to self-knowledge and awareness - and the understanding and empathy of many other types of human behaviours - you will instinctively know what works, what doesn't and what it takes to make something difficult work.

You understand more and you blame (yourself and others) less - it's not about finger-pointing and winning arguments - it's about thinking as "we" instead of just "me".

Call it survival instincts - you may, in spirit, be willing to traverse through all these mighty challenges and obstacles in your way- but your heart and mind, has conspiratorially decided that it's not willing to take the battle scars, anymore.

And there comes a certain point - when you have to let go - because the situation warrants it and it is beyond your reach.

As you get older and as your lifespan gets shorter - the ability to give up on the wrong path, is just as important, as the ability to persevere on the right one.

Learn it well - for it may save you much grief, in what remains of your life.

********************

August - your sunset is upon me now, again. I am learning your bitter lesson and I shall survive this severely traumatic episode - tired, but hopefully, not broken.

And God - it is Your infinite wisdom that I always look to, for the greater purpose and understanding, of all the sunsets that happen. I don't yet know why - but I have faith, that You know what's best for me.

Meanwhile, God - give me strength and patience for all the uncertain days ahead. And I plead to You for pockets of blessings and happiness, in the journey ahead - until I'm at the place where I'm meant to be.

InsyaAllah.