The Courage to Be Fair

"The road to hell is paved with good intentions", Friedrich Hayek used to say.

Good intentions alone are not enough. The best of intentions, done in the most mistaken of ways, will lead to the worst of conclusions. The gift of clear thought, is not the domain of many, in this world.

It is sometimes apparent in the actions of politicians, fanatics, dictators, racists, patriots, free market capitalists, human rights activists, etc. And sometimes, just with us everyday people.

We define the issues wrongly. We try to do the so-called right things by being charitable, for the efforts of others. We conflict ourselves internally (and sometimes, externally) and we sacrifice our feelings, in the process. Or we marry out of a sense of obligation - to be fair to the other person.

But sometimes, the premise of being fair, by hiding or denying (to others or oneself) the truth, defeats one's intentions of being fair. Especially, where the truth is crucial, to the long-term happiness, of not just one, but many lives.

Many people want to be fair in their lives, but they don't have the remotest idea, of what fairness involves. Pity is not necessarily fairness. Neither is charity or self-sacrifice. None of it means anything, if we conceal or suppress the truth in our hearts and as evidenced in our actions. Fairness cannot be built on a foundation of lies, deceit and betrayal.

But not many have the courage to constantly live in reality and to be fair, in substance. So, they drape themselves in the cosmetic and false sense of fairness - and the sense of self-sacrifice makes them feel, that they've done the right thing. For others, at least. But the garb of martyrdom cannot be built, on falsehood.

A mind that functions without the heart, will never be wise. For wisdom is made up in both parts - in the gift of clear thought and the compassion of the heart, coupled with the integrity to admit one's internal truth and to act on it. To use one without the crucial other - is to make animals out of Man.

If you ask the wrong questions, you will get the wrong answers. And if you care not for guidance and to probe once in a while, whether you're lost and refuse to ask for directions - then all your good intentions, will lead you to hell (and perhaps, your loved ones too) be in this world or the next. A good strong home, can never be built on weak foundations.

For fairness, requires you to have the courage to be truthful, especially when it's the hardest, to do so. Otherwise, the only fairness that you will ever achieve is the false one, in your own delusionary world. Cowardice in life, is a passport to failure.

And inevitably, one day, reality will step in. Welcome to Hell - one that has been built, on your own good intentions and lies.

Crossing The Line

Sometimes, people make mistakes and they repent and make amends. Sometimes, people just keep making the mistakes and never repent.

Tonight, my brother pleaded with the family to let him sell the property which he embezzled from my mother, when she was still alive. The property is supposed to be a part of the family pesaka.

His excuse was that his financial condition had worsened, he had been in arrears for about 9 months and the banks had sent him a final note - before they would take legal measures and proceed to "lelong" the approximately RM300,000 Pantai Hillpark condo.

Forget the fact that some of his children are in private schools and universities. Forget the fact that he's sending my niece to Australia, within a year. Forget the fact that he's got money to pay his other debts, on things less important.

Despite how important it is to the rest of the family, that the property that has been stolen be returned to the estate, (in honour of Mum's wishes and memory) he has raised the white flag and asked to be saved financially, yet again.

He's not only stolen the property and charged it to the bank - he shall now get away with it scot-free, as the sale of the condo would release him from all his debts incurred on charging the property. And there seems to be no remorse on his side - just relief.

We may be brothers, but he seems to have been born without a conscience. I used to look up to him, as a child - and now I can only look down at him, in wide disbelief.


And the family has no choice but to agree - to allow the auction would have been detrimental to his reputation, as a lawyer and businessman. A private sale would fetch him a better price and help him resolve his debt.

Most of all, my thoughts were on my nephews and nieces and how their future would be affected financially, if their father's deck of cards started crumbling. The next generation, should not have to pay for the mistakes of the current generation.

Reluctantly, I was forced to agree. There is no measuring money, against blood. If my Mum was still alive - this is what she would have done - although it would have deeply broken her heart.

We did the right thing. We consented to the sale of Mum's condo and he forfeited his share of the pesaka family house in PJ(which unfortunately, is worth RM100,000 smaller than the condo) and allowed him to owe the estate, the balance of monies. I suspect we'll never see that balance either, for a long while - and if something happens to him - we may have to forgive that loan too and "halalkan".


But to me, it's not about money. It's about the principle. Something that was stolen, must be returned in its original form. Then only, can the option of forgiveness be exercised. Stealing cannot be condoned - especially within family members. It shakes the foundation of trust, between family members.

Mum had mentioned about the condo being returned to her, even down to the last one week before her death, from cancer. I guess she foresaw somehow, that if the stolen property was not returned, it would lead to a major split in this family.

Originally, the condo was supposed to be mine. Mum wanted to sell me the condo at a 50% discount when she was alive - it was going to be her one big financial gift, to me. Unfortunately, it was not meant to be - I found out at that time, that my brother had charged the property away, to a bank. And all hell broke loose, when Mum found out.

It really broke her heart that Abang, her favourite son, had stolen her only unencumbered property - her "insurance" in life and her intended gift for me.

I did not even mind, if what was supposed to be mine, is now part of the pesaka property, to be shared by all. What was important to me - was the principle - that my mother's wish that her property be returned to her, is honoured - even if it's done in her death. It's a pre-requisite for the healing to begin - especially for me.

And now, even her wish cannot be honoured in her death, anymore. I am both deeply angry and sad.

Abang talks about the importance of strengthening family ties all the time. But how do you strengthen family ties, when the bond of trust has been broken and when you cannot (or should I say, will not) make amends for crucial mistakes? The bond of family, is built upon trust and respect. Without those, no family unit can survive.

Sometimes, some things are lost and can never be regained. And with it, the window to resolve the outstanding issues. This is what my brother has lost, last night.

And with it, something else - the opportunity to regain my respect, for him.
If it matters at all, to him. I really don't know, if it matters to him. What is the point in striving to take the higher road in life, when you are taken advantage of, by your own family members?

Maybe not all things in life, are meant to be forgiven. Until forgiveness is actually asked for, in substance.

The Good, the Bad and the Indifferent

In a conversation within Xena's car, I was contemplating how our attitudes in life mirror some of the precepts in criminal law.

Let's take the analogy of homicide.

Good people generally know that it is wrong to kill and they generally, do not. And there are people that feels that it is not wrong to kill, with malicious intent - let's call them "bad people" and therefore, they kill. That's called murder - killing with pre-meditated and malicious intent.

And then, there are the people who kill WITHOUT malicious intent - they killed, unintentionally, perhaps due to a permanent (or momentary) insanity, a loss of control provoked by a fit of anger or simply, a reckless or negligent act where they did not foresee the risk of their actions to others - no matter how unreasonable it might seem to others.

The net effect is that someone still gets killed and it's still a homicide. But the degree of moral culpability that we shoulder, on the person committing the homicide, is different. The law recognizes the moral difference between having and not having the intent to kill - the latter is called manslaughter.

If found guilty, the convicted may still get punished, but the severity of the sentence imposed is lesser and may have more of a rehabilitation bias, instead of a retributive one.

I asked myself - If the law recognizes such a difference, should we in life too?

A person that does not hurt others, may be defined as a good person. A person that hurts others maliciously and intentionally, may be called a bad person. But what do you call a person who does not specifically intend to hurt you - but by virtue of his or her self-destructive nature or actions, does? (and where it is foreseeable that someone else too, will get hurt?)

What do you call the Indifferent - people who don't intend to hurt other people but can't seem to stop themselves from eventually doing so? And where do you lump them on a culpability scale? And if you don't treat them, like the way you respond to "bad people", how do you treat them?

Do you give them a second chance? The law assumes, sometimes, that human beings are capable of change and paves the opportunity for mercy and starting over. Should we assume any less? But do our lives get better or worse, by risking involvement with The Indifferent? The law has sometimes been wrong on its corrective and rehabilitation bent and it is the public that usually pays for it.

Or do you brand The Indifferent as destructive - to be avoided at all costs? Simply because they don't know anymore between the lines of right and wrong - and without conscience or malicious intent, at that. Are they more dangerous than "bad people" - because they don't know what's going to happen next? And life just "happens" to them - like being stuck in an intoxication that never sobers?

A part of me tells me that The Indifferent are animals that we have to understand on a case-to case basis. Each animal is different - but they all have the potential to hurt others, perhaps as shown by previous actions or history.

Perhaps, we have to prepare and harden inside and to expect the worst from them - because it could be a part of their nature to be so. But we must also bear the seeds of hope in them - if God may forgive, then it is an act of divinity for us, to find it in our hearts to forgive as well.

Can you love The Indifferent? As mothers love their sons in spite of them being chronic alcoholics, compulsive gamblers or woman-abusers? Yes, it is possible - though it may repulse many of us. Perhaps, that shows how limitless some forms of love are. And how human we are, despite how strong we try to be.

Know the animal intimately. Realize that it may hurt you, repeatedly. Shield yourself, so that you will not get hurt again. Prepare to take hard and necessary cold-hearted actions. But always leave a door for hope and repentance - because God does, and so should we. People can change, if they choose to do so.

That's my conclusion - so far. Just because I don't know any better, when it comes to The Indifferents of this world.

Dinner with Kitty

I had a good dinner with Kitty last night. No, she's not my cat - Kitty's what I used to call my ex-wife.

Well, actually, I still do call her that. It's a term of endearment that's stuck, despite the marriage being over. And thankfully, we're still very good friends, despite our divorce.

As usual, Kitty had many stories to tell over dinner. She had just returned from a 3-month study trip and was the best student in her class. (Which is not surprising - she had 2 First Class Honours in both her undergraduate and Masters degrees).

What was more amusing was that her work was so good this round, some of her professors wanted to plagiarise it - with permission, of course. Yes, my ex-wife is a super-achiever when it comes to academia - it's truly her forte.

Although in her current job at the Young Turks' Unit in Mr Nice Guy's Office, her research talents are severely under-utilized and under-appreciated. They prefer savvy former strategic consultants or investment bankers in The Office - which is probably why things are in such a mess, in this country.

Her peers and boss treat it like a consulting job - if it goes beyond their scope, they don't look at it - unless it's a billion dollar issue. Who cares, right? The implementation details, are for someone else in Government to worry about. They're just there to help Mr. Nice Guy with the macro stuff.

It's such nonchalance that has brought us to the troubled spot that we're in today. But never mind, that's a story for another day.

Back to Kitty.

Working in The Office has changed her, in a substantive way. She's more confident now - of herself, of her on-the-ground knowledge and lately, of her calling and direction. She knows now that she will pursue her Ph.D and that she's got what it takes to complete it. (She's the only one that ever doubted it, really).

There's very little trace of the diffident girl I used to know, always worried about where she's going in life. It's the new Kitty. Coaxing her into the office, was probably one of the best things I ever did for her, in our marriage. One of the few things that ever went right.

But there's also much of her, that has remained the same. Her obsession with things spiritual like chakras, karmas, crystals, astrology, fortune telling and other things, remain the same - if not more pervasive now, in her life. It's like talking to Madam Zorra, sometimes. :) In that sense, we're still direct opposites.

But she was pleased that I had joined salsa classes. It was something she always wanted to pursue.

Over dinner, Kitty regaled me with tales of her trip to Paris, her chase for her flight at the Charles De Gaulle Airport, her surprise marriage proposal from an Indian national in the UK, whom she met for the first time (haha!), watching "Jesus Christ Superstar" with one of the Selangor mayors who was a coursemate, a man who had died for 6 months before his body was recovered above Grandma's room, etc.

Kitty's a pretty animated storyteller.:) Even when the issues were really quite grim, Kitty always found a little humour in it. I laughed so hard last night, at some of her hilarious stories. She was one of the few people that I could talk to, that would allow me the leisure of keeping quiet and becoming more of the listener. It's nice for a change.

And then, she'd switch into her serious mode and express her fears about her future plans - about jumping into the unknown. I told her that it's never the unknown, when you know that you're making the right decision and your heart and mind is behind it. Sometimes, we first have to lose our balance, to learn how to dance.

In the car, on the ride back, I realized that this is probably one of the most spectacular blessings, in my life. That we're still such good friends and our previous history has not driven us apart. It has taken much understanding and sacrifices on both sides - but it has worked. I've not lost her.

We all make mistakes in life - some bigger than others. But sometimes, if we have the sincerity and courage to be fair to others and have their interest at heart first, the bond of mutual affection, will never break.

We may not be married to each other anymore (and we both realize that it's a good thing) but we've kept what's important - the knowledge that we will always be there for one another.

There are so many things to be thankful for, if we bother looking. Despite the occasional tsunami that ravages our lives, we should never lose a sense of perspective. Fortune always favours the bold.

Mum's Advice

During a meeting with the NGO gang yesterday, LC, a happily married lady with 3 kids, said something that reminded me of my Mum.

"If you want to be happy, always marry a person who loves you more, than you love him - and not a person, who you love more".

Mum used to say the same thing all the time, when she was alive. I used to think the line so cynical, so pragmatic, so unromantic. It was like an insurance policy. It implies that you're not entirely going to die for the other person, but at least he will, for you.

Perhaps, it would work better with a woman than a man. Or a pragmatist, rather than a romantic. I knew it never worked for me - otherwise, I'd still be married.

And why can't 2 people be equally in love with each other? (Not that direct measurement, is possible - though I suppose the show of commitment and acts of sacrifice does come out in the deeds, one is willing to do in the name of love)

I smiled politely at the advice. In my mind, I dismissed it, immediately. Could not accept it, when Mum as alive and still cannot swallow it now. It's just not in my nature, I guess.

I'm just a hopeless romantic fool. In love and in life. Give everything, risk everything, feel heavenly happiness and occasionally, be hurt like hell and yet, regret nothing.

Good and bad - and it's still more good than bad -it's brought me to where I am today.

I know you only said it to protect me, Mum - but you also brought me up to always do my best. I'm not afraid to fail, Mum, but I am afraid, of fearing to live.

Detoxification Begins

Detox is hard. But from experience, I know it will get easier with time.

Am tired of the "exhaust yourself with activities till you can't think" strategy. I seem to have more energy than friends, plus the exhaustion tends to follow you through to the next day. And there are some friends, I don't want to hang around with, because they accentuate my sadness.

Can't seem to read, because I'm distracted. So, I'm watching a lot of TV. Thank God for good movies, on the ASTRO movie channels. I'm keeping to myself a lot - I have to get used to this. Even if I do think about her when my mind is at rest and a part of me jumps a little, everytime I hear the padlock click, at the front grill. It's usually the neighbours, though I wish it wasn't.

Next week, I'll be busy with the renovation work and have to start preparing to move to the new condo. Plus, have to do the speech for Josh and Ms. Prim's wedding too on the 1st of May. Joyful things to look forward to.:)

I've got salsa classes later, but I'm really not in the mood to dance. But I will go, because I should and I don't want to disappoint my (very serious and dedicated) instructors. Tomorrow, I'll will be busy with renovation shopping.

But on the nights I'm alone, I have to be strong enough to absorb it. Can't keep running myself to exhaustion - it's got to be a mix of the busy and the lull. The memories don't make it easy and my inability to hate, is debilitating. But prayers help, a little.

But it's a good start, to the detox. And one day, hopefully not too long from now, I won't even notice that I'm trying and it would not hurt anymore. Just like the scar of an old, deep wound - the only thing that will hurt, perhaps, is the memory.

On the right track now. Just keep going, I remind myself. One day at a time. This hurt will pass. It must.

A Tale of 2 Bachelors in Bangsar

This a true story between Rizal and Stingray.

Once upon a time on a very early morning in Jalan Telawi, Bangsar, (like 3 a.m. early) after supper in Pelita Nasi Kandar, Rizal and Stingray found out that Rizal's car couldn't start, because it ran out of petrol.

Darn it. Never mind, we thought. We're lucky - there were 2 petrol stations nearby - one was a BP station and the other, a Shell station. In the larger scheme of things, the car problem could not have happened at a better place.

So, we walked to BP. Rizal managed to find a small motorcycle oil bottle and filled it up. We walked merrily back to the car, to fill up the thirsty Alfa Romeo 146. And Rizal tried to start the car again. It chugged a little and it died again.

Drat! There wasn't enough petrol to start the car!

So, the boys walked back to the BP petrol station. This time, Rizal asked the BP petrol attendant for permission to use the bigger water container belonging to the petrol station, which is usually used for the washing of cars. His request was declined flat - which peeved him a little.

But Rizal being ever resourceful - dug into the trash can and found a - Voila! - a bigger bottle. He filled it up and we walked back to his car. After some difficulty in funneling the petrol into the tank and losing half of the petrol fluid poured, Rizal managed to get the car started.

Phew!

We were both tired and it would be great to just get the car filled up with petrol and to go home. I said to Rizal - "take the shortest route possible". Didn't want to take chances that the car would die on us, yet again.

As Rizal drove by the BP station - and remembering how unhelpful the BP petrol attendant was - he said with a macho-shit attitude "just for the way he treated me, I'm filling up my petrol at SHELL!! Ha! Padan muka dia!".

Ah yes, revenge of the consummate consumer. Yeah, serves BP right for not being customer-friendly. Orang tengah susah tadi, bukannya nak tolong. Bodoh!


And it would have been a perfect ending too, had after we parked beside the Shell petrol pump, if we were not greeted with a sign at the front door that said - TUTUP.

Ahhhahahahahahahahhahahahahahhahahaha.

Padan muka kita! Ahhahahahahhahahahahhaha.

After a good laugh, we sheepishly drove back to BP, filled the car up till full tank and drove home laughing at ourselves, almost all the way. :)

Thanks for the laughs, Rizal. I needed to laugh like that - it really cheered me up. Haha!

Wowing them in Parliament

Yesterday, the Prince and I presented to a Parliamentary Committee, full of Members of Parliament. Conclusion: we wowed them. :)

It was intimidating, presenting after a Professor whose an authority on WTO issues and has written several books on it. Not to mention that it was a compelling presentation on Malaysia's position (or lack of it) when it comes to trade liberalization, be it on a bilateral, multilateral or plurilateral basis.

But then again, it was two different areas and we were coming more from an issues and implementation perspective.

The Prince started off not very well, due to the amount of detail in the slides presentation. I was getting nervous - it's never a good sign when the MPs look bored and restless. It was an information overload.

What was needed, was for us to size down the essential points into bite-size information. The opportunity came when the MP from Puchong, (whose quite well read, I must admit) intervened to ask a pertinent question. The Prince followed up with a short reply and I signalled him, to be given the opportunity to answer the question.

Then I worked the room - as I've done in the last 4 years. Key issues, key causes, key remedies. Keep the message short and simple, the solutions workable. Coupled with the depression I've been feeling, in the last few days, I was intense in sending the message across. The funny thing about my life, is that I've always excelled in work or studies, when I am most depressed. It gives me that "edge".

Suddenly, the room came alive and questions from the MPs came in a barrage. It worked - we had them clued in and interested. After that, they were attentive - most asked very relevant questions.

I must confess - my perception of our MPs changed slightly. Yes, they severely lacked awareness, did not have any form of core research team and were ill-equipped to play their role as a check on the Executive arm of the Government - but they were more than willing to listen and be advised, on issues. It was heartening - humility is one of the fundamentals of good leadership.

The MP from Jerai - constantly one of the best UMNO comedians in UMNO General Assembly - showed a more serious side and expressed his concern on the lack of R&D collaboration done by local corporates with local universities. He took several pot shots at Proton - and the room laughed gregariously.

Dato' Chairman invited us to present the whole of our proposals for RMK9, into their Memorandum, to be presented to the Cabinet. The Prince and I were elated - we just found ourselves some new allies, in the policy lobbying game. And perhaps policy monitoring too, if the MPs were willing to stand up to the Ministers and demand accountability and proper implementation on Government policies.

At the end of 45-minute presentation, Dato' Southern Star, who was the Secretary of the Committee, obviously warmed up to us. He was a bit suspicious of me in our first meeting, but all of that had dissolved away. He knew that we had the interest of the industry and Malaysia at heart and we're just trying to solve the problems at the implementation level, in our own way.

"We should work closer after this, " he said. I was pleased - the ice had been thawed.

Dato' Role Model said to me jokingly after that - "you know, this Parliamentary Committee has not lobbied for any policies yet, under RMK9. But we have do a nice lobby in Parliament. Literally." I replied, "Yes, but you do have a lot of people sitting in a very nice lobby. It's a start." ;)

At lunch, Dato' Chairman and I agreed that the main problem right now lies with the implementation of policies by the Government. No matter how good our national policies were, if we can't effect the implementation properly, national resources will go to much waste. The needed solutions will take a lot of political willpower and a strong desire to reform the civil service.

The question is: would the willpower at the top be there? Or will it be the usual live and let live, so typical of Malaysian political leadership?

The Prince and I left Parliament House, after lunch. Deep in our hearts, we knew that something good was beginning. And that our days of policy-making in Parliament - had just begun. The future is just waiting to unfold.

Gosh, I need more days like this. :) Especially now. Thank you, God.

Selling Dreams

Today, the truth came - communicated via SMS, no less. She has made up her mind on the man that she'll be with, again - and for the 3rd time consecutively, (after 2 spectacular U-turns, each time intensifying in strength and magnitude) it's NOT me again.

Well, at least, she's consistent.

She said I was a "mere infatuation" and that "she'll never trust her heart again". Amazing,... how deliberately cavalier we are, with the lives and hearts of others.

She admitted that she lacked the courage to take the leap out from her current relationship, into one with me. Well, at least, she had the courage to admit that, if not anything else. Though it's a small consolation.

It's been a difficult day. I was literally in tears when I received the SMS (right before I met one of the kitchen renovators) - it hurt more than I thought it would, even though I was prepared for it. But there were many things to be done today, involving renovation of my new condo - and I forced myself to focus.

Xena was a pillar of strength today. She took the day off just to help me out with my renovation shopping. We did that for the good part of the afternoon and caught "Be Cool" at the cinema at 6+.

We had dinner and coffee after that and now, I'm finally home. After the dinner, Xena, noticing that I was lengthening our time out, said to me, "You have to go home sometime, you know." She noticed that I was dreading from going home and being alone. All the memories will flood back to me, when I'm at home.

Yes, she was right - I had to go home, sometime. There's only up to a certain point that you can distract and exhaust yourself. Eventually, you will have to deal with the hurt.

How am I? My faith in my judgment of people, is badly shaken. My faith in other people, is substantially weakened - in their ability to change and overcome their own fears and circumstances. The truth is, some people never change and will never overcome. It occurred to me that some people will never truly realize their potential in life, simply because they've grown addicted to security and predictability.

My heart is hurting and numb, all at once. How do people find it in their hearts, to play with the feelings of others, like this?

Xena and I did a post-mortem over lunch. Our conclusion was that I had to stop having the "saviour complex" and stop entangling myself with women who were emotionally needy and unstable. Admittedly, their neediness made me feel wanted. Or they've had some traumatic or perspective-shaping personal, relationship or family experience that has traumatized them and coloured their perception in life.

And coming from a background like that, I understood the need to be loved. Only people who are starved of affection, will understand another in the same circumstance. I was very much a giving person, because I understood what it's like to long for and to need affection.

Perhaps, that's why she stayed. She needed to feel loved and I gave her that. And I was in love with her.

But unmistakably, there is a profile there - of the sort of women I've always chased and fell in love with, be it in the past, or today. They were all problematic and I became their self-appointed saviour. To rescue the damsel in distress - from their past and themselves.

And the conclusions too, have been consistently the same - it is the "saviour" that will need the emotional rescuing, soon enough.

I can't change the way people are. But I can minimize my chances of being hurt in the future and not feeling so much, like a manipulated, emotional fool. I can choose not to set myself up for disappointment. I want to learn from this episode, so that I will not repeat it, in future.

But meanwhile, I have to grieve and let the healing take its course. Am so tired of being played out - and having faith in others, more than I really should. Maybe it's time to be alone, for a few years. And focus on other parts of my life, which is not so littered with a string of failures and heartbreaks.

When I passed by Fandango's at Sri Hartamas just now, there was this familiar song that was playing - I think it's called "Jesse", if I'm not wrong. Part of the lyrics that was being sung, I could relate to and it tugged at my heartstrings.

"Jesse, paint a picture,
of how it's gonna be,
By now, I should know better,
your dreams are never free,...

Tell me all about our little trailer
by the sea,
Jesse, you could always sell any dream to me,
Jesse, you could always sell any dream to me,...."

It's going to be a long night ahead, being awake. But I've got chocolates with me, as company. Let the slow path to healing begin.

Repeated Mirages of the Heart

It's 4.30 a.m. in the morning. I'm wide awake, asking myself some really hard questions.

I'm questioning my good judgment on people's characters - could I have been SO wrong? Was there any justification in the faith that I had put in you - or was I clouded by what I wished to see?

In a sense, I felt I knew you best - where the others did not. My judgment should be based on what I saw and felt - for the others, did not know you. Even the benefit of the doubt, that I gave you. The faith and belief that I put in your loving words and gestures. It made me believe in us - in the possibility of our future together.

Did I delude myself? Were you just playing me out? Are you keeping your options open?

Matters of the heart, were always clear to me. My choices were always full of clarity - the only times I've gone wrong is when I've ignored the choice and will of my heart. But I always knew what I wanted in my heart, when I listened to it.

But I thought, that perhaps, that it's different for other people. Maybe they don't trust the judgment of their hearts. Maybe they're a bit more practical - maybe their minds always overcame - even in matters of the heart. Maybe they've grown up believing that happiness is this middle road between contentment and stagnation, in their relationships - not entirely happy, but stable in its inadequacy.

After all, cynics are never wrong. They don't leave any space for their judgment to be wrong - any ill-fated event is expected and any form of joy, is just an exception to the rule.

But surely, there must be characteristics common, to all things called love.

When you say you love someone, there must be a degree of respect, loyalty and exclusivity. There must be a deeper certainty, beyond the type of day-to-day niggling doubts that we may face in our professional or working life. There must be a feeling that you don't want to be with anyone else - and hurting the other person is anathema to you.

Do all people love the same way? Or is it open-ended for some of us?

To say I love you - even when I can't commit or till I don't. That I'm loyal to you - when the circumstances allows for it. That I'll commit to you - when I bloody well feel darn ready - and before that, please don't take my expressions of affection and dreams of the future, seriously - I'm just going with the thrill of the moment.

And that you'd just have to share my love with another, until I decide whether I should commit to you. Perhaps, on the pretext that it's the fairest thing to do, for all parties. Please don't get hurt - it's not personal - it's just the "professional" thing to do.

Could it be that some of us can only love (or claim to love) in a cold, unconscionable, heartless manner? Where the "I" comes much further ahead than the "we?"? Or even "you that I love?"

Is there nothing anymore, that's sacrosanct? Has love, respect, loyalty and consideration become negotiable nowadays, to some of us? A cheap commodity that's available anywhere?

Deep down inside of me, I know that these values are non-negotiable. For anyone.

Was there any part of your love that was true? When we sat down and discussed future possibilities of family, children and growing old together? Was any part of that real - or were you just keeping me "warm" - to exercise the option, should you decide to? A spare tyre, when your notions of the adequacy of a loveless stability is punctured, with another?

Does it not hurt you, when you hurt me like this? Or it this all part and parcel of what you think maturity is, in the real world?

Was there really any real chance between us? Did you believe so? Or were just playing with me - letting on me build on my willful mirage? A mirage that came repeatedly, too - like a broken record, as one of my friends would say.

I quiver inside, at the thought, that I could I have been SO wrong about you. :( The evidence, seems to incontrovertibly, point that way. And nothing but my deep faith and love in you, keeps me from believing otherwise.

God Almighty, give the truth the strength to surface. And take away this willful mirage from me, if my faith in her, has been misplaced. Perhaps, my eyes and judgment, are as blind as her heart.

I hope not.

I Don't Understand,...

I'm going to break my word about not talking about my feelings. Because I'm hurt tonight and I need to get it out of my system.

I don't understand how people blow hot and cold, even in the name of love. I don't understand how for all the regard that they seem to hold for you, an apology seems to be the hardest thing for them to ask for.

I don't understand how it goes when they say what you think and feel matters, and they go on to trivialize your feelings, in the next second. I don't understand how people say that you shouldn't go to bed angry and they do precisely that - keep you awake in anger and bitter disappointment.

I don't understand how pride always gets in the way of respect and promises chucked away like the lightest of waste paper. Even if the promises matter highly, to you.

I don't understand how people expect to be loved, when they refuse to reciprocate. To receive the warmth of love constantly, but to reciprocate only as and when they feel like it.

I don't understand why no matter how much kindness and thoughtfulness you invest in others, it seems to be so hard for people that you're close to, to return the bare minimum, on things that really matter to you.

I don't understand why people let these callous moments, ruin a perfectly good night. And that many of these nights put together, will break a perfectly whole heart. Even the mighty oak tree will falter, if you keep chipping at its base, everyday.

Regret, is a dismal and unconsoling company, to keep. A stitch of care and humility in time, will save you a grief of nine times, in the future. Lust may be the downfall of Man, but remember, Pride is the downfall of the Devil.

And if people understood that, their lives would be that much better - and they would try that bit harder. Because no one really wins, when you hurt the ones you love. It's a lose-lose equation. For in the long run, you will only receive what you give.

Only that, baby.

Catching up with the Boys in Singapore

It's close to 4 a.m. in the morning and I'm wide awake. Sleep is such an elusive pleasure nowadays. :(

As I'm tying this, Alicia Keys' "If I Ain't Got You" is crooning in the background. I've forgotten how soothing good music can be, in the serenity of mornings. :)

In the next few hours, I will be leaving for Singapore for about 2-3 nights. Am catching up with some of my university buddies in Singapore - Benster, Ah Kang and Denz (who will be flying in from the UK). Every once a year or so, I go down to Singapore for this annual reunion, where we converge and mutually update on what's been happening in each other's lives.

I just realized that this will be 10th anniversary of our friendship. 10 years - wow! How time flies! But old friends are the best - there seems to more to relive each time we meet up - even if we're repeating the same old stories.

Benster was my housemate in the UK. Now happily married with a gorgeous wife, Karen (who is the daughter of a timber tycoon in Malaysia) and a new addition to the family, a baby daughter. It's amazing that this boy who used to be obsessed about the Phantom of the Opera and computer games - is now one of the top criminal litigation lawyers in Singapore.

Benster used to make much better money, when he was defending drug lords in Singapore. They paid cash, according to him. Haha! But his conscience got the better of him and now, he's focusing more on commercial litigation. And the latest news is that he seems to be climbing up the ladder of PAP Youth and bringing a breath of fresh air, a bit of heart and soul, to the kiasu and geek-driven political party,....

Ah Kang (this is what we affectionately call him) has his own legal firm in Singapore and is at the same time, running a tuition business (with his girlfriend, Katherine) and a restaurant (with his dad). He's so entrepreneurial and a great cook to boot. He's also actively involved with Sunday school and is a model citizen - I call him "church boy" sometimes, half-mockingly in fun.

Denz is the high-achiever Malaysian in the group. First class honours in both his degrees in Buckingham Uni. and his Masters in Law from Cambridge Uni., he's now practising Technology Law in a prominent mid-sized firm in London and doing top-notch legal work for the likes of Microsoft, Oracle, etc. (Apparently, the American technology firms, prefer to outsource their international legal agreements to the mid-sized firms in the UK, for reasons of privacy and quality of work)

Denz is now waiting to get married to his girlfriend of over 12 years, Siew Hooi next year. She's in an art college in London - a talented designer cum former merchant banker. As a couple, things don't get better than these two. They're so perfectly matched. Brains and beauty, class and humility. All in one.


It seems like all the boys are doing well, in both work and life. But they claim that they look forward to these annual reunions, because "the most interesting stories come from me". I swear that's another way of saying that they're living vicariously, through me. Haha! But then again, single life must look good to people "who eat the same dish" everyday,...;)

But yes, at this stage of my life, I would love to have the constancy of having the "same dish" every day. They envy the excitement of my life and the storm of taking an unconventional career path (or sometimes, relationship path) and I envy their strong relationships with their partners and their families.

There's much laughter, reminiscing and new stories to look forward to tonight, in Lion City. The Boys are together again. For the 10th year. Older, stronger, wiser and most certainly, closer.

Thank God, for old friends. :)

p.s. Will only continue blogging again, upon my return from Singapore. Until then, feel free to leave your comments. Take care, people! :)

p.s. # 2 - Voice, I want out and bought a Kelly Clarkson CD, after being intrigued on your entry on "A Beautiful Disaster". It's a great song and I can SO relate to it! Haha!

Eureka at Last!

It is ironic that on one of the saddest days of my life, I received a piece of really good news that I had been waiting for, for 4 years.

It came through an SMS from Good Fella, our contact from Really Solid Partner, who is our umbrella body, for the Even Bigger Program.

Apparently, the final approval stage for the Even Bigger Program, has been passed, at the DG level and will now go the Board of Directors, for endorsement. The industry, will now see something that has not happened, ever, in Malaysia. Something I've been lobbying for, together with my NGO, for 4 whole years.

It's now in black and white. :)

It's been a long journey. It's a bit surreal that it's finally here - confirmed. Thank you, God.

We pulled it off once with the Program, in 2003. And now, the Even Bigger Program, in 2005. I'm elated. :)

It's days like these, when all those endless and repeated lobbying meetings seem worth it. And where we have done justice, to the people whom elected us and we represent, because we deliver on our promises.

I called our new Chairman, The Prince to tell him. He was overjoyed. We're finally at the real destination. He congratulated me and I told him it was a team effort, literally. ;) But we both took a moment, to relish the success and to reflect on the long and arduous journey, up to this point.

Here's a toast to the Even Bigger Program - may this new baby, bring much joy to the industry in Malaysia. Alhamdulillah - where one door shuts, another opens widely.

I'm humbled by your blessings, All Merciful. Your timing could not have been better. I so needed this win, just to keep my faith going.