Mimpi Pari

"The two hardest tests on the spiritual road are the patience to wait for the right moment and the courage not to be disappointed with what we encounter"

Name:
Location: Malaysia

Thursday, May 31, 2007

Patah Yang Tersembunyi

Tiap langkah ke depan
ku rasa makin sesat
Semakin tua, semakin matang
tapi bagai menggapai bahagia
yang tidak
mungkin

Tiap hari berlalu
aku merayu menahan masa
untuk tunggu,
jangan persiakan mudaku
dalam hanyut hidup
sebatang kara

Tiap minggu berlalu
Dalam tiap kejayaan bermakna
yang terasa kosong,
kerna tiada cinta 'tuk merai
bersama,
Aku patah di dalam

Tiap bulan berlalu
Dimamah usia
dengan hidup lakonan berulang
tanpa arah,
Berlari dari realiti
kehidupan pincang

Tiap tahun berlalu
Aku persoalkan, ya Tuhan
arti ujian dan
takdirMu bagiku,
Aku bagai retak dalam sempurna,
patah yang tersembunyi

Separuh hayat telah ku sampai,
Masih mencari akhir garisan
dugaan Mu,
Dalam sabar terhakis haus,
dipangku bara harapan
yang makin malap

Mungkinkah aku
diantara insan
yang akan ajal semangatnya
sebelum hayatku?
Ya Tuhan,
Aku masih menunggu jawapan.



Nukilan:
Stingrayz
1 Jun 2007

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Just Love The Child

It was a pretty heavy conversation to have after watching Shrek 3 - but I guess both of us were feeling in that mood.

Zelda (not her real name) was pouring out her concerns and worries to me - about being a divorcee with a child - and how she regrets the circumstances that she feels that she's put the child through - not having a father or a constant father figure in his life.

From the way she related the story, it sounded like she blamed herself - even if the divorce was not her fault.

And she felt it a double whammy - being a product of a divorced family herself - and remembering how tough and awkward surviving public perception can be - and the "menumpang kasih" bit, with other people's families - wanting to belong, but knowing that you're not quite "in" the family.

But we did acknowledge that times have changed - and that children are less awkward nowadays (and sometimes, rather cheerful), about telling others about the state of their broken family - perhaps, a sign of the growing acceptance of divorces, within society - especially within the post-Merdeka "baby boom" generation.


*************************************

I pointed out to Zelda that coming from a broken or divorced family (at least, a civil one) may be the short-end of the stick in one sense - but it may be a hidden blessing in other ways.

Children with challenging family backgrounds generally do have a capacity to mature faster and understand more, than adults give them credit for. They empathize better with others and most times, they're less judgemental (unless they've got deep-seated insecurities, which they refuse to acknowledge). They're more resilient and not so easily rattled by the often disappointing nature of ordinary people.

Sometimes, they learn to value the important things more - like love, respect and commitment - because they try so hard to gain, what they've never had. And some make exceptional parents (even exceptional single parents) because of the love and stability they never had.

Of course, there are side-effects - not all products of a divorced family turn out well. Some carry the scars with them, all throughout their lives.

Some have problems trusting or letting go of themselves sufficiently to love, almost afraid to be happy, for fear of being vulnerable to heartbreaks and letdowns. Some just go on a destructive path and not understand the meaning of the word commitment, much less its observance.

Some just choose the wrong man/woman for all wrong reasons, as if compensating and in substitution, for the sort of man they feel they should not go for. And some - choose to be with exactly the sort of destructive man/woman - which ended the marriage of their own parents - almost like a suicidal pattern.


But this is not to say that if you're divorced, your children will end up in a bad way. And there's no reason we should believe so. Many products of divorced families go on to become exceptional lovers/spouses/parents - and it is due to their difficult past experiences.

It's not about quantity of people - it's about the quality of love given. A single parent that is focusedand showers constant love on a child, is better than having a set of parents, that are neither attentive or supportive.

So, this is what I say, Zelda - you're an exceptional person who have survived many challenges and you always want the best for your child. From the way you speak of him, he is the center of your universe, the only blessing from an unfortunate set of marital circumstances.

Just love your child - there's more than enough love there, that he will never feel short of. Perhaps the guilt or regrets never really do go away, but it's not what happens to you (or your child) that makes your life - it's what you make happen, as well.

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

The Song Playing In My Head,....

This song by John Mayer, sometimes describes what I feel about Malaysia.


Perhaps, in all parts of the world, there will be those of us who are waiting on the world to change,.....and some of us who are moving the world to change, in our own small ways. To each, his own shoes to fill.

*****************

Waiting On The World To Change

me and all my friends
we're all misunderstood
they say we stand for nothing and
there's no way we ever could
now we see everything that's going wrong
with the world and those who lead it
we just feel like we don't have the means
to rise above and beat it

so we keep waiting
waiting on the world to change
we keep on waiting
waiting on the world to change

it's hard to beat the system
when we're standing at a distance
so we keep waiting
waiting on the world to change
now if we had the power
to bring our neighbors home from war
they would have never missed a Christmas
no more ribbons on their door
and when you trust your television
what you get is what you got
cause when they own the information, oh
they can bend it all they want

that's why we're waiting
waiting on the world to change
we keep on waiting
waiting on the world to change

it's not that we don't care,
we just know that the fight ain't fair
so we keep on waiting
waiting on the world to change

and we're still waiting
waiting on the world to change
we keep on waiting waiting on the world to change
one day our generation
is gonna rule the population
so we keep on waiting
waiting on the world to change

we keep on waiting
waiting on the world to change

Monday, May 21, 2007

The Best Male Friend To Women Award?

If there is an award that I could probably vie for and comfortably win, it's the award for being the best male friend to a woman.

There are many women who think I'm a great listener. They think I give good advice, despite my own life, being a distinct mess. They think I'm reliable and that I'm there for them, most of the time - especially when it counts. My shoulders have been a crying point, for many.

They say I'm fun to be around. They say I'm nice and a gentleman. They say they enjoy the intelligence, the warmth, the clownish company. A few of them look up to me like a brother figure and some, like a leader figure.

Sometimes, some of them say that any girl would be lucky to have me. And that some fine day, some lucky girl out there, will be. This "lucky" girl might as well be a leprechaun for all I care - it's almost become a fictional notion.

I suppose, one could take all these things as compliments - if one thought it was true.

But I honestly don't. I'm not sure if it's sympathy or people just being nice to me.

Because if I'm all that - then how come none of the people whom I like (and whom also says all these sweet nothings) would never want me for themselves?

It's that feeling I'm getting nowadays.

Good enough to be every girl's close (or best) friend, but never their lover.

That's the truth that bothers me. And maybe that's the reason why I don't try anymore.

It's because you know you've become extremely good, at something - and perhaps, as a result, totally awful at the other.

Maybe it's true, maybe it's not. Not that I know any better. The last time a woman I was totally crazy about, truly wanted to be my wife - was just way too long, ago.

And it's so far back in my life, it' beginning like a "fluke" phase that will never happen again.

For all the spectacular things that I can do - something that comes naturally to others - comes as such a struggle, to me.

And I have no idea why.

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

In Need of a Holiday

I haven't taken a holiday break yet, since the beginning of the year. And it's coming to mid-year now.

And as of a month ago, significant events happened that's making this a pretty long year. Nothing makes you age, more than shocking events - and surviving them.

My spirit is feeling a little sapped - my faith in people (and mainly, leaders of all forms) is greatly shaken. And the stress of dealing with this entire event, has escalated to the point that it's affecting my sleep.

I badly need a break. The sort of feeling you have when everything becomes predictable and uninspiring - jaded, mundane - almost a helplessly stale feeling. A deja vu in Murphy's Law. I need a taste of something different - a new vista, a refreshing perspective, a renewed faith in the goodness of people and life.

Something spicy - like the feeling of traveling alone in Spain, that I had, a few years back. Life-changing experiences. New people. New things to understand.

I need a reason to fight. Something that tells me that there's light at the end of the tunnel - and that it isn't just another oncoming train.

Every fibre of my being is screaming out for a break, on an island somewhere - or just peering over a quiet lake, while sitting on the balcony of a water chalet. With fun and pleasant company - a pretty one would be a bonus, but one can live in hope, can't one?

Just a little bit more, I tell myself. Let's get this house in order - and once everything normalizes, let's go take that long-deserved break. I've earned it.

Early June - it's time to go. Just a little bit more to go, boy.

Just a little bit more.

Wednesday, May 09, 2007

Rapatmu, Sayang

Rapatmu
Bagai udara yang menyelubungi jasadku
Seperti bayang yang mengekoriku
Seakan memori yang termanis
Bak selesa enak mimpi
yang teramat mengujakan

Rapatmu di sisiku
Walaupun kau tiada
Maupun pintu hati
ku tutup ketat,
Berlari dari kemahuan diri
yang terlalu
mendalam

Rapatmu
Dahaga tanpa puas
Yang melawan arus masa, jarak
dan lontaran kebencian
yang berulang-ulang
tanpa hentian

Namun rapatmu
Tidak bisa ku takluki,
Ketahuilah,
Kau lebih dekat pada hatiku
dan segala keinginan yang mungkin
ku idamkan,
Dari diriku sendiri

Walaupun dirimu
aku jauhi,
tapi rapatmu
bagai nafas yang perlu,
mengiringi sunyi setiap hari,
tanpa suara dan kelembutanmu,
sayang.


Nukilan:
Stingrayz
9 Mei 2007