Conversations and Non-Conformity

A few people in my life in these last few days, pointed out that I talk too much about my past. And I talk about it, like it just happened yesterday.

And that I never think about the impact, of telling others about my past. That I never look at things from their perspective. That most people are generally not as transparent with their lives, nor do they expect others to be so.

It made me pause and reflect, for a while. I've always been a non-conformist. And what struck me was that you (or your actions) can't be understood in the proper context, within an ocean of conformists - where people observe normative behaviour in that particular society. If you choose to be different, then you stand the risk of being misunderstood or worse, being misconstrued as a bad or lost person.

For instance, I choose not to be hard and cynical. As a result, I absorb a lot of grief )perhaps, too much) and rationalize it. I have a tendency to look at things on the bright side and to give people the benefit of the doubt (some of my friends think that it is naively and overtly so), perhaps, even when they don't deserve it. I try to comprehend and accept and where possible, reconcile, forgive and move on.

I have given up on very few people in my life. One of them is dead and a few of them, well, are just hopeless causes. For these extreme few, I'm resigned to the fact that they're incapable of change for the better.

But all this "process" of trying not to be cynical and aging gracefully with passion for life, takes conversation. Conversations with others, both close and distant and conversations in my head. Lots and lots of conversations. Sometimes, it leads me to ponder things for far too long, always discovering a fresh perspective, from an old situation - even years after the event has happened.

Sometimes, situations work like a boomerang and I come to realize a fresh perspective in the shoes of others, whom I never thought I would understand. This is actually quite good for one's humility.

Life's like that - but it's all a matter of how you deal with it and the choices you exercise. And we make differing choices, according to different life philosophies.

But more importantly, to dare to try out new things and make mistakes. Mistakes are essential for humility and learning. People who don't get out from their comfort zone and risk making mistakes, are forever cocooned in the warm bliss of willful ignorance and become arrogant yet inexperienced, know-it-alls.

There's too many of those, nowadays. Bright people who practice orthodoxy and live with theoretical constructs, all their lives. They have a book on everything, that they have not tried.

It's hard to grow older, to retain a sense of perspective, maintain one's faith in life and humanity and to humbly admit, that most of the time, we don't have all the answers. And where we do know the answers, acting on it can be full or thorns and barriers.

To me, it's about aging and retaining a childlike innocence and faith in life, despite all our personal tragedies and trauma. You can only learn, with an open mind and an open heart. Otherwise, we are blind to the lessons in life.

The conversations should continue, I feel. But perhaps, more with myself and less with others, except for a select few - although that would compromise the diversity of angles and opinions, that I can gather on an issue.

But there are times when I'm tired of being misunderstood and judged (especially by the people I care about) - maybe it's the price of being a non-conformist. And it makes me harder to love, by people who conform.

The world can be a lonely place, for those who choose to take a different path from society's norms. The quest for happiness may require us to be a schizophrenic and a chameleon all at once, when it's suitable.

Thank God for The Boys

Last night, was a very long night for me. Had some further bad news in my personal life. Sometimes, it's like these bad things conspire to happen to you at the same time.

My luck with women that I like, (or love, for that matter) is horrible. The women that I don't like, I tend to do much better with. Talk about ironic, huh? Perhaps, it's because I'm not "brutal" enough. I swear that it feels that gentlemen are out of fashion nowadays.

Every girl seems to want a man who couldn't care less about them. No attention, no support, no romance, no affection, no passion, no commitment - just be there and "exist" sort of men. I call it the "tak hairan" syndrome - the boys treating the women, like they're no big deal.

One of my ex-girlfriends of a few years ago, narrated this strange phenomenon to me, on one of her philandering boyfriends: "Dia tak hairan dengan I. And there were so many other girls that were after him, that I felt that I had to fight for him, to be worthy of his affection." I froze in amazed bewilderment.

Yesterday's news, hit me badly. I felt numb. This has happened to me, too many times. There is a consistent pattern here, within the women themselves. The women that I tend to pursue. They want men who don't really want them. Or where the emotional risk is low and they know they'll survive. It's perplexing, really.

Truth be told, I can't change them. But I can do something, about my tendency to fall for these types. There is a certainly a pattern here and I've got to break it. Doing the same things repeatedly and expecting a different result - is stupid.

Anyway, last night was a long night. I spent it alone in my condo, in front of my notebook. I was famished but I couldn't bear another night of eating alone - food tastes awful in perfect silence. The 6 hours after I received the bad news, felt like a lifetime. I felt really down - self-doubt started plaguing me. Is there something wrong with me - that everyone I've liked has left? Despite all my best efforts?

Then the Regent's Ville boys called me out for supper. They're the boys that I've grown up with, since I was 8 years old. I've known some of them, for a total of 24 years. It's amazing.

We went for supper in Subang Jaya and the moment I got into Ivan's car, it was a laugh a minute, with the boys. My emotional burden lifted and I forgot all my problems for the next few hours, amidst much laughter and thought-provoking discussions. The jokes are still as inane and silly as when we were teenagers, but we never seem to outgrow them.

That is the beauty of the Regent's Ville boys - there is no problem created that is big enough, to stop us from enjoying each other's company.

Yes, life can be so challenging and tricky at times. But I'm blessed with so much that's good too - like my lifetime friendship with the boys. And just because I'm crap in one major area of my life, doesn't mean that I have to be constantly unhappy. Life goes on and I always have the option of living like the glass is half-full, as opposed to half-empty.

Thank you, God, for the boys. Some of your blessings to me, are constant and beyond measurement.

Action Speaks Louder Than Words

Note and reminder to self: The next time you want to check on someone's sincerity, watch their actions, not their words.

It always gives them away, sooner or later. And consistently, too. The people you can count on, are the people who will pull through for you, in deed, and in times of need and not just in words.

I've just realized lately, how many people can craft and weave their words skillfully and yet, falter when it comes to the altar of reliability, fairness and decisiveness. Some are consciously schizophrenic and some are not. Some are selfish, some don't even see the conflict in their nature and what they profess to believe. Some are amphibians, righteous on the land, but with the ability to adapt and wade into murky waters, if necessary.

Anyone can paint a picture from a dream, but too few in this world, would have the sincerity, to push that dream to reality. And to stand by what they believe.

Each time, I look for these unique, sincere individuals who can walk the talk. And I admire them and I hope for many more, like them. Otherwise, the world will be a pretty disappointing place, full of illusionists.

How beautiful the human being - so real, so false, so diverse, so complex, so conflicted and capable of the greatest of successes and failures.

The Signs of Downfall

There are mornings when I wake up, believing that this country will not make it, in the long run. This is one of those mornings.

In my younger days, I used to believe that we could change this country. That the best and brightest have an obligation to change and return, so that we could make the next leap. To become the Japan, Korea, Taiwan, Finland or Germany of this world a force to be reckoned with. Or at least, heading towards it.

I knew that the centre of all change in Malaysia, is politics. Nothing moves in this country, without politics directing it there, first. But I found the values of the political system in Malaysia, contradictory to my values. To succeed in this political system, means selling out, both on my principles and the people. I found the people in Parliament, or at least the bulk of them, to be mere rubber stamps - endorsing the ruling party and the Executive on all counts.

So, I made a choice. Until the political system changes, I will try to make change via alternative means perhaps on a smaller cause. An NGO that works for a specific community appealed to me - it had a specific cause, there was not much money involved in the system and leaders, mainly do still get elected on merit. And we could push for more effective change, perhaps on a narrower basis, but certainly much more in depth.

I was lucky. The NGO I'm in right now, are full of people that I'm proud to call Malaysians. People who are dedicated to their cause, selfless, with a strong set of principled values. Sometimes, they wade in the murky waters that political Malaysia is, but have managed to stay above water, without being forced to swallow anything toxic to their way of life.

But then, I found that the scenario in other NGO's were not as good. Some would deliberately defeat the national agenda, even if it meant distorting data and statistics. Some would work at fulfilling what's good only for themselves, but not for the community they represent, or for the big picture. Some are just as bad and corrupt, as the politicians in the ruling parties.

I found that even though consultation was done on a frequent basis with NGOs and the Government and civil servants constantly tap our ideas and efforts, but they seemed less than sincere in pushing what's important for the national agenda - than what is important to the Minister, or Prime Minister.

Much publicity, expenditure and fanfare is based on what they think, would please the Prime Minister - so much effort goes to "kow-tow"ing the leader - and making the leader look good. And sometimes, most of the GLCs behave the same way, too.

They forget the people they represent, they forget the customers they serve, they forget the trust that has been given to them - be it as leaders of the political or corporate world. Almost always, the substance of the intended effort, gets sacrificed for political expediency and the benefits of continued patronage.


I found that, even playing in a smaller, more focused and narrower space, may not in reality, ensure effectiveness in Malaysia. Because the system is SO political, even things done at the fringe (and are not considered political) will be affected. Governance does not get done properly, unless a Minister looks at the issues. And in some worst cases, unless the Prime Minister looks at the issues.

And now, after almost 4 years of being in the NGO scene - after some spectacular successes and equally spectacular failures - I've come to conclude that it is impossible to change this country. You may make some cosmetic and surface changes, but there are not enough good, willing and capable people in the system to fundamentally change it, for the better.

Despite all the good efforts of the gallant few, the inertia is fighting back. Sometimes, the inertia is supported by a younger generation that have inherited some of the decadent values, of our elder generation.

We are suffering from the hangover of the excesses and deficiencies of the Mahathir era. And things are coming out from under the carpet - things which have the Abdullah administration floored and their hands tied. The implementation system does not work and where it works, it works badly.

And with trade barriers coming down all around us and an educated, globally mobile Malaysian workforce where personal choice, meaning, happiness and economic imperatives, overrides blind patriotism, we are running out of time, to make this country viable, in the long run. The best are leaving us, all the time. And at the current pace, more will continue to do so.

At times like this, I ask myself: What am I fighting for? The small guys in the street? But with no political power, can I protect them in the long run? Will the changes last? Or am I just as vulnerable, as they are?

If I can't make effective change - then why am I staying? My loyalty is to this country, but truth be told, I can be happy in a dozen other countries, with a wife and a few children.

The signs of downfall are all there, for all to see. If Malaysia keeps on this track, it will crash and become a laggard in Asia in a few years. Inevitably. God will not be protecting a nation, full of weak leaders, sycophantic followers and silenced dissidents.

Just go through your history books. You'll see.

The Need for Speed

In the movie "Top Gun", Tom Cruise's character used to say about their fighter jet flying - "I feel the need - the need for SPEED".

Sometimes, I think that's what Malaysia needs too.

I went to see the senior management of Rock Solid Partner, today. It's about the Even Bigger Program, that we were supposed to start working on, next month. What they told me, shocked me.

Apparently, the Chief of Rock Solid Partner, wanted to the Prime Minister to endorse the program first, (even though it's really not necessary, it's more protocol than anything else) before launching it. And this would be in late August and with all the approvals needed thereafter - the Even Bigger Program would only be launched in November/December!

We're going to hold up a national program of importance for 6 months, because protocol in Malaysia requires that the PM endorse it. :( This despite the fact that we've been in discussions over this, for the last 10 months! And repeated assurances that everything is on track, timing-wise.

I know this could happen in the bureaucracy of any country - but it frustrates me, when even one of our better semi-Government organizations, fall to this disease of "tunggu sekejap". These are bright people, cream of the crop - but the culture still remains so old world.

There is no sense of urgency - it's like living in a world where we are blissfully unaware (or choose to be unaware) of the international competition that other countries, are posing to us.

China's hollowing out all our low value chain manufacturing advantage - the price differential is so huge, that even better quality products may not make a difference. And we're not moving up the value chain, fast enough, either. At the other end of the value chain, for instance in ICT, the other giant, India, is way ahead of us, producing market-savvy ICT graduates by the hundred thousands every year.

Thailand's got their equivalent of a Mahathir and are starting to make better foreign cars, than us. And our agriculture sector, is nowhere near theirs, except maybe in palm oil. Young people are not doing agriculture (and are probably not inspired to) - where will we get the workforce to work in the farms and fields?

And the Philippines? With the high level of English literacy there, if the corruption halted even for just a while, they would leapfrog us, as a service economy. They've got all the right elements which investors from developing countries love - they're cheap, westernized, educated, friendly and the women are dead pretty.

Let's not talk about Singapore. Their local economy may not be viable for long, but their strategic international ownership of firms globally held under their GLCs, is impressive. And it will keep them afloat, for quite a while.

We're nowhere near, the league of Korea and Taiwan. Not culturally, not exposure-wise, not from a population perspective, not quality-wise or from an international benchmarking perspective, not from a collaboration with foreigners, in view of getting a larger piece of the market. Identity means nothing without economic survival.

And they don't even live in our multi-racial realities, where we need to "balance" the economic interest of many races, for political stability.

Our civil service, frustrates even the efforts of the noble-intentioned Prime Minister. Our politicians are more interested in making money and Parliament, until very recently, never had any researchers - all this while, a breeding system of the elected and ill-informed. Is it any wonder that issues like the airline costumes of female stewardesses, are being debated in Parliament on taxpayers' time and money?

Where is our sense of urgency? How long will it be, before this feudal culture sacrifices the fate of future generations and buries this country for good? And will God continue to help a country, that keeps working at killing itself? Patriotism without a proper sense of priorities in governance, will destroy a country.

This country needs the speed. Desperately. More importantly, it needs to prioritize the important and the urgent, over and above the social context. We need to stop tip-toeing and start walking and running.

Economically, the world is an unforgiving place. Lose the advantage (whatever we have left that is) and Malaysia will start feeling the painful pinch. And believe me, our so-called national unity will be truly tested, then.

These words have been ringing inside my head for the last few days - "Malaysia: Love it or Leave it". Don't know what it means yet, but I'll find out - soon. I can feel it, in my bones.

Back Online!

Close to one month after moving into my new condo, I finally have internet access at home. No thanks to TM, who has refused to drag in phone lines to my place until there are 200 applicants. But with many thanks, to the latest innovation in town - Jaring Wireless Broadband! :)

It's good to be accessing the Net, from home again. I'm tired of getting to know the cybercafe near MidValley Megamall, really well. Thoughts don't flow to me in a public place, writing is a very private act for me. I need the space and the silence to feel and think. I need to be able to hear myself, think.

The new condo is beginning to look like a real home. The new sofa and dining set (which I got for bargain prices, thanks to value-hunting with Xena) fits in nicely with the look and feel of the condo, creating an relaxed, elegant yet cozy atmosphere.

Next week on Monday, my lovely kitchen cabinet comes in (this is the part I've spent the most money on - so, friends who can cook are welcome to drop by! ;)). Give me another month, this condo will be an amazing place to stay.

There is much to tell. Since my last blog, I've been to both Manila and Singapore. Manila sprang a pleasant surprise for me, in the form of a lovely and intelligent political scientist, whom I've grown to miss. Sometimes, life surprises you when you least expect it. But then again, I will be making a repeat trip to Manila on the 17th - and this time, it's purely for pleasure.

Good to be back online, folks! Hidup Jaring Wireless Broadband!

Manila Adventures - Part 1

Mabuhay! (That's welcome in Tagalog)

Am now in Manila for a few days for an ASEAN conference. And guys, Manila is fascinating!

Am bunking over in a hotel in the Mandaluyong side of town, for the period of the conference, till Friday night. Pretty cheap 24-hour broadband rates from within my hotel room, but the speed is just a bit faster than dial-up, really.

Manila is a great contradiction. They've got shopping malls over here, that will make you feel like you're right at home in KL. Posh foreign brands litter their malls, perhaps, to a worse extent than say Mid-Valley Megamall or One Utama in KL.

The malls are packed in comparison to the ones in KL, perhaps reflecting the population density in Manila. It's ironic - they looked very Malay to me, but they don't sound Malay. I had to keep reminding myself that I was in a foreign country - because it was like shopping in Shah Alam.

But most of the buildings are old, dilapidated, painted with gaudy colours like blue and yellow in combination and greatly in need of maintenance or upgrading. Even as I was flying in, the aerial view of the roofs showed that most parts were like Kampung Baru, except with more greenery surrounding them.

There's a suspicious and crammed-looking vehicle (which I think is called the Jeepny - it's like an extended limo version of the jeep) which acts as their local "mini-bus". AF, my friend whose a part of the delegation, explained that the Jeepnys did not have any proper stops - you get down wherever you want, by instructing the driver directly.

AF, who specialises in foreign policy, told me that the Philippines is more like Indonesia than us - there is a great disparity of wealth, concentrated in the hands of the few. Most of the local people, do not have the resources to enjoy the sophisticated goods and services, provided in Manila.

The local people are very polite and friendly, and on average, generally speak a better level of English in the services industry than Malaysians do and a large number of the female population is good or above average looking, which should be a great boost to heir services industry. I was amazed that the girls behind the counter at the hotel lobby, looked like a KL pageant line-up.

The civil service has a 4-day week here, in the Government's current austerity drive. Rising petrol prices are killing the locals, but there's not very much they can do about it (It reminds me of how fortunate Malaysia is). But they work 10-hour days, in their 4-day week.

Music videos on certain channels come with sub-titles, which I'm sure helps the karaoke business quite a bit. :) A lot of the billboards used local models, who I think would certainly outshine most Pan-Asians we have back home.

The nightlife in some parts of town, seem pretty sophisticated and westernized - the stretch outside the hotel seems to have all the same cafes as Bintang Walk. I forget that I'm an expatriate here and just like KL girls are friendlier to Mat Sallehs, the Manila girls are the same to me. But I'm not complaining. Mabuti! (Good!)

The conference will be launched in about an hour - this is where the hard work begins. Am just glad that I don't have to present a paper, this time round. But still, the pressure is there - to find angle to contribute positively over the next few days and to reflect well on the Malaysian delegation.

And hopefully, some concrete (and implementable) resolutions and measures after the conference for follow-through - I hate conferences that just end up as pure talk shops.

But I'm not optimistic - as a regional collective platform, ASEAN still has a problem being taken seriously, by governments of their respective member states - every country is at a different stage of development, with different sort of problems (from a policy or implementation perspective) - and local priorities (be it economic, social or political ones) take priority.

But yes, of course - one must continue to hope and strive - despite the contrary evidence of experience and circumstances. And yes, almost always the pulse of hope is spearheaded by the regional academicians, the press, NGOs and civil society participants - the people with the vision and the will, but without the power.

More on Manila later. Have got to catch lunch now. Paalam! (Goodbye!)

My Best Friend's Wedding

As of the 1st of May 2005, Josh and Ms. Prim are now legally husband and wife. :)

Alhamdulillah - sometimes, fairy tales do come true. Truly, I cannot be happier for the both of them. Especially my best friend - no one deserves it more than him.

It was a memorable akad nikah at the exquisite Masjid Wilayah. I was Josh's pengapit and ring-bearer at the akad nikah. He was nervous, but he tried not to show it. The lafaz nikah came and he passed it the first time round, with no hesitations. I saw Ms. Prim smile, (or should I say Mrs. J now?)perhaps anticipating the joy of their future lives together.

As Joe performed the sunat prayers after the akad nikah was over and I stood behind him, at the back of my mind, I pondered how far my best friend had come. As a man, he had grown under Mrs. J. I have a new level respect for him and the man that he is today. He was a terribly nice friend before this, but now, he's an outstanding man.

The night's wedding reception at Dewan Merak Kayangan, was even more engaging. It was simple, warm, unpretentious and well-planned and executed. The MCs were professional (yes, ZR, you and Genius Chick both, were good) and Farah, the appointed wedding singer (who happens to be the bride's cousin) sang well, not to mention, extremely pretty.

The bride and bridegroom looked resplendent and happy. I gave the wedding speech of my life for my best friend - and I was thankful that both of them (as well as the crowd)loved it.

Didn't get a chance to quote anything from any of the books, as it was all packed up into boxes (since I'm moving houses), but I decided to go with what works - to write straight from the heart. And I did, because I meant every word.

And do me a favour, my two lovely friends - when you have children, please let me share the joy with both of you - I would love to be their godfather who will strive to spoil them with gifts and affection (If I don't ever get married, they might be the only kids that will ever get to benefit from my affection, haha!)and whom they will absolutely adore.

There's much to look forward to. Because of both of you, I will continue believing in fairy tales. Even if, it never happens to me.

To Mr. and Mrs. J - Selamat Pengantin Baru, semoga bahagia ke anak cucu.